Thanks, friend!
Oh, wow, I wrote carrots when I totally meant celery. If you’re going to use carrots, either use frozen carrot, or cut the carrot really small and maybe microwave it/cook it on the stove a few minutes before the onion goes in.
Normal procedure: Chop up as much onion and celery as you like- I generally do three to four celery stalks plus one whole onion. If the only onions you have are mild, add a minced clove of garlic. Dump it in either a microwave safe container or a nice big frying pan- either way, you need something with a lid. Pour in a can of chicken broth, half a can of water, and any chicken drippings you might have at hand. If you are using homemade or box broth, you want enough to cover the veg and make 'em float, but not more than about 3 inches deep in the pan. 2 is probably enough. Simmer on the stove while you get on with the rest of the prep OR microwave 10 minutes.
Skin and debone at least half of a roasted chicken (yay Costco!) Leave the wings intact and dump them in with the veg- they’re too much work to bone out, and the gelatin helps with the mouth feel. Cut or tear the meat into bite-size or slightly bigger piece. Stir the meat with as much black pepper as desired and a tablespoon or two of flour. If it’s home roasted chicken and you think it wasn’t quite salty enough, add a tiny pinch, but if it’s Costco it’s plenty salty.
When the veg is slightly softened, stir the in the floured chicken, making sure all the pieces get moistened so the flour is absorbed. Microwave it until it’s boiling, about 5 minutes, or turn up the heat to do the same. (If you’re cooking on the stove, stir a lot here!)
In the bowl that previously contained the chicken, dump in approximately 1 cup of Bisquick. You might need more if your pan is really big. Add one egg, and enough milk to make a wet dumpling dough- not quite a batter, but nearly so.
Sprinkle dried sage on the surface of the stew, or lay on many leaves of fresh sage. (If you don’t like sage, I bet thyme could work, but I’ve always used sage) Drop gobbets of dumpling on to the boiling stew- focus more on getting most of the surface covered than in making them thick, as they will puff up. I use a big cereal/dinner spoon plus another to help scrape the goo off. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes or simmer on the stove for 5 to 10, depending on how long it takes for the dumplings to finish.
Try to let it cool down a tiny bit before eating, but I always burn my tongue.
Did he mean jarred minced garlic, or jarred whole cloves of garlic?
I personally know of at least two local restaurants where I know the chefs, and both of them chop their own garlic. They are both far from 5 star restaurants.
I have no problem believing that your average restaurant buys their garlic in jars, but unless Ellen’s Brother has actually visited every single restaurant in America, I have to doubt his word. Especially since the two chefs I know definitely chop their own. As many have noted, there is a taste difference between minced-and-stored-in-oil garlic and freshly chopped garlic.
And there is no law saying 5-star establishments have to make everything on site, either. Especially since there’s no real definition of 5-star. Who awards these stars? Michelin is the most common star-awarder that most people cite, and their top rating is 3 stars, and they only rate a small handful of countries/cities.
That said, I’ve been to my share of highly rated restaurants, and though many of them do make a lot of stuff in-house, I’ve definitely been served bread/charcuterie/butter from outside the establishment. It’s really just up to the restaurant - if they can find a reputable high-quality supplier, they might opt to bring something in rather than make it themselves.
Minced, I believe, coffee— but I’ll ask him on Saturday when I see him.
ETA: I’ll also probe him to see where he gets his “every restaurant in America” hyperbole, Athena!
Your brother is wrong. Really wrong. Very, very wrong.
I’ve worked in many kitchens that use fresh garlic exclusively, none of which were 5-star rated.
In her cookbook, Susan Spicer from Bayona in New Orleans says that they started using the jarred whole cloves in their signature garlic soup, just because they needed so much of it every day. I’ve had the soup, and it was fabulous (as was everything else there), so I can’t argue with that.
I still can’t get behind the pre-minced stuff, though.
Wait’ll he hears about this! 
I’ve got a question: lots of you keep mentioning using canned/boxed stock – is there really stock available and I’ve somehow missed it on the shelf, or do you just mean broth?
There’s really stock. You can buy either one at my grocery store. ETA: meaning broth OR stock.
Two words: Liquid Smoke.
Yeah, and I’m in Texas, too. The shame-- oh, the shame.
Wow! Clearly I’ve been semi-sleepwalking through the store for years. Okay, off to genuinely look at what’s on the shelf. 
That explains the first part of your username, I suppose.
I steam corn in the microwave. Just husk it, put it on a plate with a little water and cover with a big pyrex bowl and zap. It’s a shortcut, but my wife and I think it’s best this way.