# Coping, or not, with your spouse’s (SO’s) challenges **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 12, 2018, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002 "2018-12-12T16:50:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2018, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/41 "2018-12-16T03:08:00Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I meant on a message board, or even in a face-to-face conversation or social media. I thought I implied that, but it looks like I didn’t. My aunt made no secret of why she was leaving him. She’d just casually say she didn’t want to deal with all that and couldn’t understand why people were horrified. His grown daughters crucified her on Facebook. She didn’t care. ---
**Author:** ![smokey78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@smokey78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smokey78)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2018, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/42 "2018-12-16T23:12:56Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > It can be pretty scary. I need to be always near to her. We now have it controlled pretty well, but it took a while. Smart phone apps, automated insulin pumps, and continuous glucose monitors do wonders these days. Compared to others’ challenges mine clearly pale in comparison. A friend of mine lost his wife to ALS, for example, and that was utter hell. I am amazed these days with the monitors out there: I work in the healthfield and I saw many folks old and young using the Freestyle Libre monitor. Where you stick on a sensor on yourself and have a reader that you wave on it and it reads the number. And you have to only switch sensors every two weeks. My mom still uses the prick herself daily and put blood in the monitor. She doesn’t complain, she is so used to it as regular routine (and she says she only does it once a day, I think about seeing those orders of diabetics having to test 8-10 times daily!) We had a family friend whose husband was a runner. In his 30s he passed out and I think the diagnosis was a stroke/aneurysm? A few years ago we visited her and her husband was completely incopacitated. (They are now in their 50s) They rely on day shift caretakers who care for him when she works, she is very resourceful, they are also landlords so they get passive income too. She was asked (she told us) how she keeps her spirits up, and she says she’s grateful for their son (who had a full-paid scholarship to a university, he’s finished up by now) and that they just have to look at the positive. She does not feel guilty or bad when she needs a break and goes to all-girl trips sometimes for a break. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/43 "2018-12-17T00:10:09Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > In addition, does anyone really think that someone is going to admit to leaving a sick spouse, or for that matter child, because they couldn’t cope with it and wanted greener pastures? 😕 I have never met one of my aunts. She’s my dad’s older half-sister. A few years before I was born she got married and had two sons. The younger one had a heart condition, and she decided that not only was having a sick kid a drag the whole motherhood thing actually wasn’t for her after all, and gave her ex full custody of both boys. When the little one died, her ex called and let her know. She couldn’t go to the funeral because she had tickets to a music festival. That I know of only one of my uncles ever forgave her for this (he let her live with him a couple of decades later), which means in addition to me, my brother and two of the three of my cousins who were born after this have also never met her because the rest of her brothers and her sister never spoke to her again. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/44 "2018-12-17T00:47:58Z")
Does it count if I left my SO because he was not dealing with my challenges well? ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/45 "2018-12-17T12:46:18Z")
> [@Poysyn](#): > > Does it count if I left my SO because he was not dealing with my challenges well? Count for what? If one has challenges (and frankly, we all have our challenges, some greater than others), and the other ends up deciding to not deal with them well, then that other has made up their mind. Sounds like s/he checked out on you, and then you left. In sickness and in health… I promise to love you, but please don’t burden me with your challenges… otherwise I can’t deal… is that how it goes? ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/46 "2018-12-17T14:18:53Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > My wife and I had been (just) friends in college and reconnected almost 30 years later. Within weeks of our starting to date, nine years ago, some pre-cancerous cells turned up in a routine biopsy after breast reduction surgery. She told me about it, and a few others sensitive details about her past, during our third date, because she didn’t want us to become involved before I knew these things. (I have to say that her honesty and courage in telling me things that might have scared some people off were among the things that made me fall I love with her.) > > I went with her to the doctors while they were deciding whether to do a mastectomy, and waited in the hospital with her family during the operation. We had been dating about seven months at that point. (She had a single mastectomy and breast reconstruction on the same day, and because it was caught very early, she has been cancer-free for eight-plus years.) > > But all along, she and other people, including friends and some of the nurses helping her, were marveling at the fact that I hadn’t left her, as though it was the normal thing for a man to leave his girlfriend/wife when she got cancer. I couldn’t imagine what sort of human being would to that. I hope it’s not as common as many people apparently believe. > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Maybe it’s because you hadn’t been dating all that long and were not married? Are you saying that if we had been married (that is, had a longer and deeper commitment), that I would have been **more** likely to leave her? That doesn’t make much sense to me. Am I misunderstanding you? (FYI, we’ve been married for almost eight years now.) ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_McQwark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@Steve\_McQwark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_McQwark)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/47 "2018-12-17T15:55:01Z")
> [@commasense](#): > > But all along, she and other people, including friends and some of the nurses helping her, were marveling at the fact that I hadn’t left her, as though it was the normal thing for a man to leave his girlfriend/wife when she got cancer. I couldn’t imagine what sort of human being would to that. I hope it’s not as common as many people apparently believe. > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Maybe it’s because you hadn’t been dating all that long and were not married? > [@commasense](#): > > Are you saying that if we had been married (that is, had a longer and deeper commitment), that I would have been **more** likely to leave her? That doesn’t make much sense to me. > > Am I misunderstanding you? > > (FYI, we’ve been married for almost eight years now.) My interpretation of nearwildheaven’s comment was that it wasn’t so much about your not leaving as it was about other people’s level of marveling. So, if you would have had a longer and deeper commitment prior to your wife’s illness, people might not have marveled as much. I’m not sure it’s true though. My wife and I have been married for 20 years and people say that kind of thing to me as well. I think they just want to say something positive and they don’t know what else to say. It’s a kind gesture, but I don’t think they’re really amazed that someone stayed with their spouse. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/48 "2018-12-17T16:35:53Z")
> [@Steve\_McQwark](#): > > My interpretation of nearwildheaven’s comment was that it wasn’t so much about your not leaving as it was about other people’s level of marveling. So, if you would have had a longer and deeper commitment prior to your wife’s illness, people might not have marveled as much. I see. That makes more sense. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2018, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/49 "2018-12-17T18:34:50Z")
Love is a powerful bond, indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2018, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/50 "2018-12-18T03:03:30Z")
My husband left me after 35+ years of marriage for another woman, who only wanted him for his money. Ultimately, she cheated on him and he kicked her out (they did not marry.) A couple of years later, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. Almost a year ago, he had a series of long hospital stays and it was decided that he could no longer be alone at night. I opened my blue-jay mouth and offered to stay a few days every week. It was a bit awkward at first but it quickly became a fun time for both of us when we were together. I emptied urinals and treated bedsores, cooked for him, tucked him into bed and filled his med boxes. We grew closer and closer, and we finally reconciled. He died this past July. I’m very glad I made the choice to step back into his life. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2018, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/51 "2018-12-18T05:02:01Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > Count for what? If one has challenges (and frankly, we all have our challenges, some greater than others), and the other ends up deciding to not deal with them well, then that other has made up their mind. Sounds like s/he checked out on you, and then you left. > > In sickness and in health… I promise to love you, but please don’t burden me with your challenges… otherwise I can’t deal… is that how it goes? That is pretty much how it went. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2018, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/52 "2018-12-18T05:04:10Z")
> [@Poysyn](#): > > That is pretty much how it went. I am sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing better now. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2018, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/53 "2018-12-18T06:41:30Z")
Sometimes people decide not to further the relationship because of the disability. My friend was at one time dating a man who was blind. He was a great guy and they had a good time together but she decided not to pursue the relationship further because she didnt want to have to do all the driving, shopping, and other tasks. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2018, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/54 "2018-12-18T13:01:50Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Sometimes people decide not to further the relationship because of the disability. > > My friend was at one time dating a man who was blind. He was a great guy and they had a good time together but she decided not to pursue the relationship further because she didnt want to have to do all the driving, shopping, and other tasks. Nothing wrong with that. And, good for your friend — they tried dating someone with a significant disability. That’s a lot more than many would try. But after _ **committing** _ to a relationship, through marital vows or otherwise, to then [del]dump[/del] leave the person, is another story altogether. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2018, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002/55 "2018-12-18T14:12:47Z")
In the situation linked to in the OP, it’s something more akin to addiction. The poster’s husband is addicted to overeating and does not seem to be doing anything to address this addiction and she’s asking herself if this is how she wants to live out the rest of her life. It’s a tough choice and I think that a big factor is whether or not the spouse is will to do the hard work to address the problem by trying to get help. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coping-or-not-with-your-spouse-s-so-s-challenges/826002.md?page=2)