# Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852 "2020-12-24T23:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2021, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/205 "2021-01-02T12:19:52Z")
> [@carnut](#): > > **Company culture** only works for small companies. You want me to believe United Health Group or WalMart only has a single culture. That’s a mighty big petri dish. Big companies do have “cultures”. Working at WalMart corporate is very different from working at Goldman Sachs or Google. But what gets annoying is when these companies try to manufacture a “culture”. Then it just feels cultlike. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2021, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/206 "2021-01-03T22:51:06Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Big companies do have “cultures”. Working at WalMart corporate is very different from working at Goldman Sachs or Google. But what gets annoying is when these companies try to manufacture a “culture”. Then it just feels cultlike. I can buy into that. Note the business-speak, heh. But often that culture-speak breaks down into rote jargon that the company doesn’t really stand by. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2021, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/207 "2021-01-04T16:16:18Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > But what gets annoying is when these companies try to manufacture a “culture”. Right. Organizational “culture” aka The Way We do Things Here grows organically, from an accumulation of precedent set forth by the founders and successive managements, combined with adaptation to how the staff and customers react to those decisions. You don’t create it out of nowhere. And a new policy is not a new culture. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2021, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/208 "2021-01-04T20:27:11Z")
Good evening Ladies and Germs … ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2021, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/209 "2021-01-04T21:56:00Z")
Today, the Jack White piece called “Corporation” came up on my feed and I thought that is this thread. “Is everybody with me?” ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Sponge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dark_sponge/32/121_2.png) [@Dark\_Sponge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Sponge)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2021, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/210 "2021-01-06T23:06:31Z")
> [@peccavi](#): > > The cloud isn’t the network through which the cloud services are accessed and it isn’t “the internet”. It is remote storage, processing, and programs that allow users to “pay by the sip” for use without needing any knowledge about the hardware they are using. But the “cloud” a user is accessing is a defined set of servers maintained by a single entity (Amazon AWS is an example) that is accessed through the internet. > > The symbol for the internet has traditionally been a cloud, but the term cloud computing has only been around for about 25 years, hence the confusion. > > [Cloud computing - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloud_computing) > > And internal clouds are definitely a thing. If a corporation is big enough, virtualization of a bunch of servers and providing access to employees rather than paying for higher performance processors and bigger disks for each employee is cost effective. I think you are confusing the buzzword “Cloud” with the literal definition of cloud computing. Or maybe you just like correcting people you think are wrong on the Internet? I would not be annoyed with an executive or manager asking about cloud computing or even just using the buzzword correctly. I can use cites too: > **[Computer Basics: Understanding the Cloud](https://edu.gcfglobal.org/en/computerbasics/understanding-the-cloud/1/)** > > Using the cloud is becoming increasingly popular in today's world. Get help understanding the cloud in this free cloud computing lesson. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2021, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/211 "2021-01-06T23:27:54Z")
But even your cite doesn’t say the cloud is the internet exactly - sure , it starts out that way but it gets more specific: > Simply put, the cloud is **the Internet** —more specifically, it’s all of the things you can **access remotely** over the Internet. When something is **in the cloud** , it means it’s stored on **Internet** **servers** instead of your computer’s hard drive. Doesn’t seem like “cloud” and “internet” are synonyms- after all, you wouldn’t refer to a wireless cloud connection, would you? ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/212 "2021-01-07T00:10:58Z")
Ugh, just got an email referencing one mentioned above. **Solution** as a generic noun. Not an answer to solve a problem, just a synonym for “thing” or “system”. I was helpfully reminded that as of January 2nd, we have “migrated” (what are we, wildebeest?) to a new “Timekeeping Solution”. Fuck you, it’s just the website where I enter my hours, and it’s the same one as before. All you did was change the backend database, which means fuck-all to me. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/213 "2021-01-07T01:57:45Z")
Hey, if you are not part of the solution, as they say, you are part of the precipitate. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/214 "2021-01-07T02:18:26Z")
IOW, you’re either the sludge or the useless runny part. Either way, your VP only thinks of you as an obstacle to his aggrandizement. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/215 "2021-01-07T03:38:50Z")
last place I worked, I felt a bit like a colloid ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/216 "2021-01-07T03:55:29Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > A few years ago, there was an incredibly irritating CEO fad about obsessing over verbs. Not just any verbs. ACTION verbs. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/217 "2021-01-07T12:36:45Z")
My job heavily involves online learning, and I’m the site admin for our online courses. The platform we use released a core update in September and I watched their video to see what the new features were. Towards the beginning of said video, they referred to the pandemic as “ **this special time**.” My brain shut down in self-defense at that point. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/218 "2021-01-07T15:08:58Z")
Ain’t that _speshul_! Idjits! Then again, anyone in the profit circle of online learning or online connectivity has got to be just overjoyed at the boom in business. The worker bees struggling to keep up with said growth? Probably not so much. ---
**Author:** ![tofor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tofor/32/13727_2.png) [@tofor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tofor)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/219 "2021-01-07T17:16:13Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > I agree it’s an awkward choice of words I think. But I use it simply because it’s part of the jargon. I always understood ‘onboarding’ to refer to all the things that need to be done to get a new employee started. That is, setting up accounts in computer systems, acquiring equipment, filling out W4s, etc. “Bringing in a new person” is a discrete action. “Onboarding” is the process required once somebody has been brought in. I don’t know another precise term to refer to that process. ---
**Author:** ![peccavi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peccavi/32/388_2.png) [@peccavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peccavi)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/220 "2021-01-07T17:17:48Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > IOW, you’re either the sludge or the useless runny part. Either way, your VP only thinks of you as an obstacle to his aggrandizement. I am reminded of the time a high ranking VP was helping me prepare a presentation to an even higher ranking VP on why a particular project should be continued. At one point he started coaching me on what to emphasize and what to stay away from during the meeting and I stopped him and told him: “I know. I’ve played this game before, but I’ve always been the ball.” ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/221 "2021-01-07T17:28:39Z")
> [@tofor](#): > > I always understood ‘onboarding’ to refer to all the things that need to be done to get a new employee started. That is, setting up accounts in computer systems, acquiring equipment, filling out W4s, etc. “Bringing in a new person” is a discrete action. “Onboarding” is the process required once somebody has been brought in. I don’t know another precise term to refer to that process. You are correct. At least that’s how I’ve always heard it used. Once the job offer has been accepted you begin the onboarding process and eventually end up with an employee. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/222 "2021-01-07T18:23:15Z")
> [@tofor](#): > > “Onboarding” is the process required once somebody has been brought in. I don’t know another precise term to refer to that process. “You WILL be Assimilated” comes close. 😉 Another accurate term at my Fortune 100 employer is “Signing all the papers to waive all of the few rights Congress gave you as a worker.” 🤬 > [@peccavi](#): > > At one point he started coaching me on what to emphasize and what to stay away from during the meeting and I stopped him and told him: “I know. I’ve played this game before, but I’ve always been the ball.” Bravo! Well said! But friggin horrific at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/223 "2021-01-07T18:57:36Z")
I was guilty of using corporate speak today. I asked our Group Leader, “Should we **task** someone with coming up with a revised spreadsheet?” Felt like a hypocrite afterwards. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2021, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/224 "2021-01-07T19:01:20Z")
It survives far into the future. [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsYT8YHL-R0) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=12)