# Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852 "2020-12-24T23:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![Paul\_was\_in\_Saudi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b77776/32.png) [@Paul\_was\_in\_Saudi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_was_in_Saudi)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2021, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/285 "2021-02-24T13:28:30Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Profoundly stupid he is. Profoundly stupid. Ah, you know Phil. ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2021, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/286 "2021-02-24T15:11:13Z")
I guess ultravires would not mind me calling someone a tool. You know, an implement used for doing work, really handy…? After all, “tool” couldn’t possibly have multiple meanings that are distinguishable by context. ---
**Author:** ![Bonum\_Legatum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bonum_legatum/32/6183_2.png) [@Bonum\_Legatum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bonum_Legatum)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2021, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/287 "2021-03-12T10:46:13Z")
“Team” as in "I don’t know who can help me so I’ll spam this email out to everyone I know and ask for the _team’s help_. No, you are not putting a team together. You just want some help that one person might give you. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2021, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/288 "2021-03-12T16:16:42Z")
“When we take a holistic approach” essentially means summarizing what you just said. Just say “In summary” and stop trying to sound so urbane. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2021, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/289 "2021-03-13T01:48:31Z")
> [@Knowed\_Out](#): > > "When we take a holistic approach” essentially means summarizing what you just said. That isn’t what that means at all. It’s absolutely not the way I’ve ever heard it used. “Take a holistic approach” means to consider the impact of decisions on the entire organization, not just a part of it. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2021, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/290 "2021-03-13T01:57:09Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > “Take a holistic approach” means to consider the impact of decisions on the entire organization, not just a part of it. - We’re dealing with corporate speak where they re-optimize the definitional matrix for optimal utilization of oral and written communication. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2021, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/291 "2021-03-13T03:50:15Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The one that I hate is “Due to unexpectedly high call volumes, you may be on hold for…” I’ve heard that same message at the same company for literal YEARS. The call volumes are not unexpected at all. It’s just a baldfaced lie. You heard that message for YEARS and you think the call volume was ~~normal~~ ~~average~~ within statistically normative parameters? How long would you expect to wait when call volume is heavy? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2021, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/292 "2021-03-13T04:31:23Z")
We’re “agile”. It’s used interchangeably as in “we use agile/scrum project management methodologies” and as in “we are a nimble organization”. What it usually means is “we don’t know what we are doing and are making up shit as we go but want to appear trendy and modern”. ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2021, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/293 "2021-03-13T11:14:26Z")
[Deleted on second thoughts] ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2021, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/294 "2021-03-13T11:17:10Z")
> “we use agile/scrum project management methodologies” = Everybody shoves their oar in and no-one gets the blame when it all goes wrong. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/295 "2021-03-14T00:06:37Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > We’re “agile”. > > It’s used interchangeably as in “we use agile/scrum project management methodologies” and as in “we are a nimble organization”. > > What it usually means is “we don’t know what we are doing and are making up shit as we go but want to appear trendy and modern”. I’ve been on projects where this works very well. But then I was on a six-month project that morphed 3 times and took three years. It worked very well in the end and I was grateful for the project extension (as a contractor) but it wasn’t terribly agile until the client truly decided what they want. ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/296 "2021-03-14T00:09:30Z")
My company is undergoing both an “agile transformation” and a “digital transformation”. Simultaneously. “Agile transformation” so far means they will send out blanket emails advertising classes which are limited to 40 attendees. In a 2,000 employee organization. “Digital transformation” means they send out emails with links to internal websites that have the words “digital transformation” on them. I still haven’t figured out exactly what that means in a software organization. What were we doing before if it wasn’t digital? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/297 "2021-03-14T04:09:20Z")
Is there a Board of Corporate-Speak that meets periodically to come up with this stuff? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/298 "2021-03-14T04:15:38Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Is there a Board of Corporate-Speak that meets periodically to come up with this stuff? - It’s been tried. No one understood what anyone else was saying. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/299 "2021-03-14T04:39:05Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Is there a Board of Corporate-Speak that meets periodically to come up with this stuff? Oh, you mean the Covid Corporate-Speak “During These Challenging Times” Board. Well, as of Tuesday, it’s mandatory that you log onto… oh, you can’t? Well, the Zoom link is in the quarterly update email that you didn’t get, but we do know that it went to Cheryl who should’ve forwarded it to you. You need ahold of her to get that link and join the meeting (well, the awkward phase of the meeting where we try to troubleshoot Zoom for Cheryl and Muted Marv) in the next…let’s see…ten minutes. Go! ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/300 "2021-03-14T04:40:46Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > That isn’t what that means at all. It’s absolutely not the way I’ve ever heard it used. > > “Take a holistic approach” means to consider the impact of decisions on the entire organization, not just a part of it. You’re not making the term any more likeable to me. 😼 ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/301 "2021-03-14T07:46:28Z")
The potential trouble with “holistic” is that it can be yet another way of getting more and more people partially involved, with no-one having ultimate responsibility for getting _something_ done. Or, simply, it’s making the best the enemy of the good. But done well, it does mean not overlooking something important. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2021, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/302 "2021-03-14T14:26:26Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#): > > The potential trouble with “holistic” is that it can be yet another way of getting more and more people partially involved, with no-one having ultimate responsibility for getting _something_ done. This is true of course but wasn’t really my point. As a practical matter, when a company starts assigning a degree of responsibility to everyone, what happens is people ignore that and just do what’s logical. ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2021, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/303 "2021-03-15T18:18:40Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > when a company starts assigning a degree of responsibility to everyone, Ahem… companies do _not_ assign responsibility. They empower the community. They transform employees into stakeholders. They get buy-in. They promote engagement. They certainly do not do anything that can be described in a recognizable English sentence. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2021, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/304 "2021-03-15T23:12:58Z")
“Personal brand”. I guess it’s sort of what back in the day we would call “reputation”. Except that it feels more “managed” and phony (like one might treat a brand of toothpaste or laundry detergent). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=16)