# Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852 "2020-12-24T23:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2021, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/305 "2021-04-17T19:48:18Z")
Along those lines, any entitled Karen/Chad on youtube & facebook & twitter that wants something for free is an “influencer”. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2021, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/306 "2021-04-18T03:27:59Z")
Upthread I saw a post about health care organizations talking about a patient’s “health journey”. This is a favorite term of woo devotees, whose “health journeys” involve stuff like vainly trying to change their body pH, chasing the elusive miracle food or supplement, or bizarre practices like urine drinking. Such “journeys” never seem to arrive at the desired destination. If your local hospital or “holistic” medical practice has co-opted the term, it’s best to avoid them and instead journey to a facility that does evidence-based medicine. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2021, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/307 "2021-04-18T11:18:05Z")
Everything is about fucking “journeys” these days. “Designing the user’s journey”. “Leading your company’s journey to the cloud”. Your “career journey with the company.” I get it. They are trying to invoke that something is a long-term process over time, built on a lasting relationship instead of a short-term transaction. But it still sounds stupid. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2021, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/308 "2021-04-18T14:13:35Z")
I had a friend who was in the hospital, and a friend made her a card that among other kind wishes said “I promise not to mention _‘your journey’_ unless that’s accompanied by plane tickets to a South Pacific island.” ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2021, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/309 "2021-04-18T17:06:11Z")
Over here “patient journey” or “patient pathway” means the total experience of a particular episode and treatment, as seen from the patient’s point of view rather than from the narrow focus of each different provider or set of professionals. The aim is to try to make it a more seamless process, rather than bringing in a whole load of woo. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2021, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/310 "2021-04-18T20:21:12Z")
> [@pullin](#): > > “We should strive to open our apertures for the good of the company.” I’d love to gaslight that guy into thinking ‘sphincter’ is a new buzzword. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2021, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/311 "2021-04-18T20:29:21Z")
Yep, I’ve encountered “we’re agile” being used to mean “lots of people will scramble around quite energetically, frantically and ultimately not very productively, to deliver the over-enthusiastic promises I am making to you now”. Or in short: “I like to keep my workforce guessing what will be urgent next” ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/312 "2021-04-19T00:01:12Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > “I like to keep my workforce guessing what will be urgent next” What’s urgent? Everything! Try to prioritize? Everything’s crucial! Well, which should we work on first? “Well, we really need to get A & B done this week, and C, D & E by Friday, oh, and we promised the client we’d get F done before C, and we do have a hard deadline of Saturday morning on G through J…” ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/313 "2021-04-19T00:27:54Z")
> [@psychobunny](#): > > I will also second the substitution of client for patient and care provider for doctor, nurse etc. The substitution of “care provider” for “doctor” is often used to outright scam patients, which is what happens when doctors stop thinking of patients and start thinking of them as customers and clients, i.e., revenue sources. If you go to one of the many storefront “urgent care” medical offices in New York City, which are rapidly supplanting the old-fashioned family doctor and his office, you may be told to have a seat, and that the “care provider” will be with you shortly. Eventually someone will see you. That person will quite likely be a physician’s assistant or a nurse practitioner, _not_ a doctor. But the facility will bill your insurance company for a doctor’s visit, because supposedly there is an actual MD somewhere “supervising” the NP or PA. Of course, “somewhere” may mean in his or her living room, or at their beach house. Who knows. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/314 "2021-04-19T07:19:57Z")
> [@digs](#): > > What’s urgent? Everything! Try to prioritize? Everything’s crucial! I’m still in touch with the team I managed when I quit my IT role back in 2020. They have a two person team now, trying to deliver a list of 15 major projects (at the same time as providing ongoing support). …But it’s OK, because the senior management team has worked out a prioritisation scheme; projects will be classified as one of the following: Urgent, Immediate, or High Priority. I’m not even kidding. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/315 "2021-04-19T19:02:08Z")
If it makes you feel any better, our Agile proctor lost his job when our company reorged. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/316 "2021-04-19T21:36:06Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Well, which should we work on first? “Well, we really need to get A & B done this week, and C, D & E by Friday, oh, and we promised the client we’d get F done before C, and we do have a hard deadline of Saturday morning on G through J…” Back when I was working, I would sometimes have a manager bring a case to my desk and tell me that it was a priority. When I asked if it was more of a priority than the priority case I had been given yesterday (and was currently working on), or the two red-flagged cases that had been placed in my in-basket that morning, the only response I would get was “they’re all priorities”. And no matter what I did, sure as shit somebody would come by later that day and ask why I hadn’t finished whichever case they felt was higher priority than the others. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/317 "2021-04-19T21:58:26Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > “It was _ **not immediately clear** _ I’ve noticed this with bemusement. It’s journalist-speak for “I dunno”. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2021, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/318 "2021-04-19T22:16:18Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > > [@digs](#): > > > > Well, which should we work on first? “Well, we really need to get A & B done this week, and C, D & E by Friday, oh, and we promised the client we’d get F done before C, and we do have a hard deadline of Saturday morning on G through J…” > > Back when I was working, I would sometimes have a manager bring a case to my desk and tell me that it was a priority. When I asked if it was more of a priority than the priority case I had been given yesterday (and was currently working on), or the two red-flagged cases that had been placed in my in-basket that morning, the only response I would get was “they’re all priorities”. > > And no matter what I did, sure as shit somebody would come by later that day and ask why I hadn’t finished whichever case they felt was higher priority than the others. We would be working on a dozen projects at a time, for maybe six different “Account Execs” _(think “Project Managers”, but with less managing and more salesmanshi…well, flim-flam)._ And they always had crises and wanted us to work on theirs rather than someone else’s. Now, I had a guy who had ice water in his veins, and even if it was the CEO with an emergency, he’d say “I’ve got a hard deadline of tomorrow at 5 for Sue’s client meeting. But I’ll start on yours as soon as you have her call me with the go-ahead to switch to your project.” _(Spoiler: Even the boss didn’t have the cojones to talk to Sue when she had a client presentation coming up, so we never had to worry about switching tasks)_ ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2021, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/319 "2021-04-20T07:31:40Z")
I tried that one, ultimately, it doesn’t work if the most senior people in the line don’t believe that resource management is a thing; don’t accept that the time required to do a thing can be measured and calculated, and believe that a person can work just as productively on many different jobs in parallel as they can on one focused task - like ‘sure, write the code for that new process, but can’t you also be designing the workflow for this other one at the same time?’ ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2021, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/320 "2021-04-20T10:43:55Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > - like ‘sure, write the code for that new process, but can’t you also be designing the workflow for this other one at the same time?’ To which the only answer is “Could you?” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2021, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/321 "2021-04-20T11:05:51Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#): > > > [@Mangetout](#): > > > > - like ‘sure, write the code for that new process, but can’t you also be designing the workflow for this other one at the same time?’ > > To which the only answer is “Could you?” - Those who can’t do, manage. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2021, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/322 "2021-04-20T11:09:43Z")
Everything is easy if someone else must do it. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2021, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/323 "2021-04-20T11:47:30Z")
When the customer service automated menu says, “We value your call!” 😐 ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2021, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/324 "2021-04-20T12:06:16Z")
> [@Jasmine](#): > > When the customer service automated menu says, “We value your call!” -😐 Notice they don’t say _how much_ that value your call. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=17)