# Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852 "2020-12-24T23:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 23
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/445 "2022-06-18T07:21:38Z")
Don’t know if anyone mentioned it, but “resource”, as a person, infuriates me. I am not a book you can page through. I am not a spreadsheet which you can download and scroll through. I am a person filled with knowledge for your query. Ask away, but don’t say, “My trusted resource told me…” ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Mouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mighty_mouse/32/7776_2.png) [@Mighty\_Mouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Mouse)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/446 "2022-06-18T09:42:22Z")
Glad I’m not the only one who was pissed off by being referred to as a valuable resource in my performance evaluation. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/447 "2022-06-18T09:43:37Z")
> [@Mighty\_Mouse](#): > > Glad I’m not the only one who was pissed off by being referred to as a valuable resource in my performance evaluation. - At least you’re not a “report”. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/448 "2022-06-18T11:27:55Z")
Maybe not “corporate speak” in the strictest sense, but it happens at work, so I will share. My boss loves to ask and answer his own questions: _“Are we going to make this change? Yes. Is it going to be easy? Probably not. Is it going to benefit us? Yes!”_ mmm ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/449 "2022-06-18T11:32:22Z")
_“Are you going to do all the work and am I going to take all the credit if it works? Yes!”_ _“Am I going to micromanage to the point of failure and put all the blame on you? Yes!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/450 "2022-06-19T14:58:10Z")
> [@Locrian](#): > > Don’t know if anyone mentioned it, but “resource”, as a person, infuriates me. > > I am not a book you can page through. I am not a spreadsheet which you can download and scroll through. This is absolutely deliberate on the part of corporate management. They want to be damn sure that every employee knows damn well that employees are nothing other than “assets” in some accountant’s journal, right up there with the office furniture. And don’t you ever forget it! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/451 "2022-06-19T17:19:29Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > They want to be damn sure that every employee knows damn well that employees are nothing other than “assets” in some accountant’s journal, right up there with the office furniture. And don’t you ever forget it! And when they say they want their employees to feel the brand again, they mean “like cattle”. ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/452 "2022-06-19T23:02:03Z")
Taken from a government website: _The_ [insert event here] _has a full suppression, values-driven strategy that utilizes a mix of tactics (direct, indirect and point protection) when and where the probability of success is high and the risk is commensurate to identified values._ I’ll let you take a WAG at what sort of event this word salad is a part of. Tripler “Values-driven strategy” indeed. . . 🫤 ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/453 "2022-06-20T04:48:00Z")
> [@Tripler](#): > > I’ll let you take a WAG at what sort of event this word salad is a part of. I thought of a WAG. Then I googled it. (Hint: there is enough in your quote to be immediately googlable.) My WAG was basically right. ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/454 "2022-06-20T14:16:16Z")
I’m bothered less by terminology than by the general tone of corporate rhetoric. Whenever some company does something unkind or hurtful and gets called on it, they release a statement like, “Company X is committed to providing outstanding products / services to our community, and do not tolerate whatever it is we authorized and are sorry we got caught doing.” Just STFU. Nobody believes that crap. It’s just a series of noises made in the hope that it will quell the crisis without actually doing anything. The classic one might be when you call (virtually any company anywhere) and before you reach a human you get, “This call may be recorded for quality assurance.” As if their concern is actually serving the customer better. From what I understand, it’s more about policing the people who work the phones, who are in turn forced to read from annoying little scripts that insult the intelligence of everyone involved. Sometimes it’s the actual tone of voice of the speaker themselves. Going through some airports in the country the person doing the canned announcements about not leaving your bags unattended and such… What an incredibly cloying, faux-polite voice. It’s actually painful for me to hear. I’m far from a violent guy, but I always imagine pummeling the person in front of that microphone. Saying corporate bullshit with perfect diction and a welded-on smile doesn’t make it any less dishonest. ---
**Author:** ![Mk\_VII](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Mk\_VII](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mk_VII)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/455 "2022-06-20T21:40:45Z")
‘Resources’ are there to be exploited. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/456 "2022-06-20T22:38:28Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > From what I understand, it’s more about policing the people who work the phones, who are in turn forced to read from annoying little scripts that insult the intelligence of everyone involved. So much this. And why are call volumes heavier than normal more than 50% of the time. We’re not buying that either. Mgmt basically looks to see that you (employee) follow the script and hang up again ASAP. I know this because I’ve worked customer service at more than one place. They even timed you when their client says long calls are okay, because customer is #1. Not to the call center business though. Making money is #1 and high call turnover is part of that. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2022, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/457 "2022-06-21T00:45:16Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > _“Are you going to do all the work and am I going to take all the credit if it works? Yes!”_ > _“Am I going to micromanage to the point of failure and put all the blame on you? Yes!”_ This totally belongs in this other thread: > [@What memes or bumper stickers actually make a good point?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-memes-or-bumper-stickers-actually-make-a-good-point/964879): > > I have no bumper stickers on my car, I do not read or post to Twitter. This is because I feel it’s very unlikely that any actual wisdom can be expressed in so few words. There is always context that goes beyond the pithy quote, often rendering it useless, untrue or at least incomplete. On Facebook, which I look at infrequently these days, I am sometimes exposed to memes. Lots of times I skip over them. But if I do read them I generally engage my skepticism filter and assume that, even if it sou… ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2022, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/458 "2022-06-21T00:47:42Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > I’m bothered less by terminology than by the general tone of corporate rhetoric. Whenever some company does something unkind or hurtful and gets called on it, they release a statement like, “Company X is committed to providing outstanding products / services to our community, and do not tolerate whatever it is we authorized and are sorry we got caught doing.” > > Just STFU. Nobody believes that crap. It’s just a series of noises made in the hope that it will quell the crisis without actually doing anything. This. Whether aimed at employees or at the public it totally means > [@](#): > > We are abject f\*\*\*ing liars that think you morons are so f\*\*\*ing stupid that our transparent doublespeak and euphemization of, well, everything, will totally buffalo you into thinking we’re angels, not psychotic criminals. ---
**Author:** ![WildaBeast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wildabeast/32/6_2.png) [@WildaBeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WildaBeast)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2022, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/459 "2022-06-21T01:11:00Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > I’m bothered less by terminology than by the general tone of corporate rhetoric. Whenever some company does something unkind or hurtful and gets called on it, they release a statement like, “Company X is committed to providing outstanding products / services to our community, and do not tolerate whatever it is we authorized and are sorry we got caught doing.” I’ve been hearing a lot of statements like that in the corporate sponsorships on NPR lately. Maybe not exactly like what you’re saying, but industries that have been criticized for something trying to spin it as something positive: - A property investment company that buys houses to flip for a profit (an industry that’s been getting flak for outbidding individual buyers and generally driving up home prices) – “We’re improving the community by refurbishing homes to return to the neighborhood.” - The California Almond Board (criticized for using a lot of water during the drought) – “Almond trees aren’t unique among trees in their water needs and the almond industry created lots of jobs” - The California Rise Council (same as above) – “The ‘small’ amount of water used on rice fields creates artificial wetlands which creates habitat for wildlife.” ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2022, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/460 "2022-06-27T18:20:47Z")
Has anyone else noticed that when the top managers of a company are revealed to be sexually harassing employees, or cost cutting or shoddy practices kill customers, the flacks will say “XYZ Corp is dedicated to a safe environment to all or to quality.” Translation: it is in a mission statement somewhere, but we pity the poor fools who think that anyone violating this will be held accountable - unless they make noise or we want to get rid of them for some other reason. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2022, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/461 "2022-06-27T19:06:45Z")
Here’s my favorite for where I live: We need to do X to keep energy prices low. Since that savings never shows up on my bill, the translation is Let do X so the energy company can make even more profit destroying the environment (and your neighborhoods). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=22)