# Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852 "2020-12-24T23:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![mixdenny](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mixdenny/32/2962_2.png) [@mixdenny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mixdenny)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/42 "2020-12-25T18:48:53Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > Wow! Every word in that statement is complete and utter corporate bullshit. Every word. Yeah! When corporate statements first came out they tended to all sound the same. Whatever the version was that we used at NASA Glenn it sounded like some company that makes soap. There wasn’t anything in it like, “To boldly go…” I liked the CIA statement. It was really bland. It has changed over the years and is now: “Preempt threats and further US national security objectives by collecting intelligence that matters, producing objective all-source analysis, conducting effective covert action as directed by the President, and safeguarding the secrets that help keep our Nation safe.” At least now they mention 'covert" although they blame it on the President. And their FAQ was hilarious. To paraphrase: “Does the CIA spy on Americans?” “No. We are only authorized to investigate foreign issues. Spying on Americans is the job of the FBI.” Alas, it no longer mentions the FBI. ---
**Author:** ![Lancia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lancia/32/17174_2.png) [@Lancia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lancia)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/43 "2020-12-25T18:55:52Z")
I’m in education but it seems that college administrators have adopted this type of language as well. > [@needscoffee](#): > > Our bank’s rep keeps emailing me that she’ll “circle back” to me with the answers to my questions. This has become commonplace, and for some reason yes, it bugs the shit out of me. Tell me you’ll get back to me with the answer to my question or that, if you’re going to address something later that you’ll, well, address something later. Not “circle back to [whatever] later and _unpack it_ [another one that bugs me] more thoroughly.” > [@mbh](#): > > I hate when corporate big-shots want to be on a first-name basis. > [@UltraVires](#): > > I agree. But I think it is more of a societal battle that we are losing. I work at a boarding school, but I’m employed by a community college. So all my business cards say “Prof. Lancia, M.Sc, Associate Professor of English” but all my students call me (and the rest of the faculty) by my first name, which is something we encourage them to do as way of creating a more equal social atmosphere – basically, we are trying to create an environment that is as little like the high schools that they dropped out of as possible. We’re mentors and guides as much as we are teachers. Some new profs who come to work at the boarding school campus seem to have a real problem with that. Personally I have no problem using first names. One that gets me is _ask_ as in “my _ask_ of you is to blah blah blah…” I don’t know why that bugs me so much, maybe because I had an admin that overused that phrase and now its just… I dunno. Insincere. Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/44 "2020-12-25T18:58:06Z")
> [@echoreply](#): > > Under very specific circumstances, “customer” bothers me. I work at a large public university. Along with the academic departments we also have service departments. Some time ago the service departments started to refer to everybody else as “customers.” We are not your “customers,” we are your colleagues. We have the same employer, our paychecks are signed by the same person, and I’m not even paying you with an internal transfer in most cases. I agree on that. The myth of the “internal customer” is one of the more harmful corporate trends out there. It creates a transactional mentality but without the vital informative function of pricing. For example, I have no way to say “customer A isn’t a good return on investment, so we’ll keep doubling their rate until they either yield revenue or go away.” They’ll never pay off, they’ll never go away, so we’re stuck with them. It leads to laziness, inefficiency, local optima and all sorts of bad outcomes, but the tactic will never go away. It gives useless middle management a good way to get pats on the back by abusing their own employees in service of some other lazy department. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/45 "2020-12-25T19:07:15Z")
> [@Saintly\_Loser](#): > > Every time I’ve been hospitalized, or even in the ER, some doctor I’ve never seen before has walked into the room, picked up my chart, and said something like “so, [firstname], how’s the [broken limb or whatever] feeling?” > > If I look at the ID badge on his belt or shirt and say “well, Bob, it feels like crap, now that you mention it,” said doctor invariably gets bent out of shape. I agree about using the right address for the right situation. A different form of the problem is this: I used to take my Army uniform to a civilian dry-cleaners that serviced 99.9% Army uniforms. The lady there always called us by our last names, i.e “Smith” or whatever. No introduction, no honorific, just reading the name off the name tape. I always wanted to say… listen lady… if you’re trying to use military courtesy, my rank is on my uniform, you can call me “sir” or “Captain Smith”. Or if you want to be civilian, then it’s “Mr. Smith”. Or if you want to be friends, let’s introduce ourselves and use first names. But you’re not senior enough to just call me “Smith”. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/46 "2020-12-25T19:21:17Z")
> [@Treppenwitz](#): > > > [@eschereal](#): > > > > You had one of those? We always had Human Resources. > > …and it would be harder to think of a better word to dehumanize personnel. I can think of one: “productivity”. A term that means how much profit the company can squeeze out of its workers for the least amount of compensation. And look, for the holidays, we will give you a gift bag with some fancy-looking cheap-ass candy and a little flashlight with the corporate logo on it! ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/47 "2020-12-25T19:23:08Z")
> [@scareyfaerie](#): > > “Reach out”. No, you’re not “reaching out” to me, you’re about to email me because you’ve made a colossal blunder and you expect me to fix it for you. That one really gets under my skin. First, used this way, it just means ‘contact.’ So just say ‘contact,’ dammit. Second, until it started to get used this way, “reach out” had an emotional resonance to it, like reaching out to someone going through a rough patch to give them some support. Here’s a couple of mine: I work for a government statistical agency. A couple years ago, I got a new boss from the private sector, and he’ll _jump on_ a call, or ask you to do so. Dude, it’s a _phone call_, not a fumbled football. (Which is the imagery I had in my head for the longest time.) It might make some sense if it meant that you were abruptly asked to drop what you were doing and join a call, but he uses it for joining a phone meeting at the beginning of its scheduled time slot. The other one came about because we’re being asked to give up a good chunk of our office space to another government agency. You’ll be glad to know that our space is being _reimagined_. Oh, go fuck yourselves, wouldja? ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/48 "2020-12-25T20:43:26Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Even by your definition, many of the people in a hotel are guests, not customers. Many aren’t paying at all. Either their employer has paid their way, or they’re traveling as someone else’s guest, or they’re just there for a convention or party or something. > > I’m no spring chicken, and I can never remember even _one_ time that I’ve heard a hotel refer to its guests as “customers”. It just sounds weird to my ear. So you are saying that if I am out of town on business but my employer is paying then I am a guest of the hotel? Again, the hotel is _not_ hosting me at no charge, so I still am not their guest. That would be like saying if my wife bought something for me at the grocery store that the store gave it to me for free. It didn’t; just a third party paid for it. The same with a convention or a party. Someone paid for the hotel conference room. I might be considered their guest at the party, but not the hotel’s. That my point: I am not a hotel “guest.” They aren’t inviting me there is a social capacity. I am engaging in a simple, usual contractual relationship where I (or a third party) is paying for them to provide goods and services. There is nothing skeevy or improper about them taking my money. But they are taking my money (or they are taking money from a third party which permits me to be there). As such, I am not their guest. A guest is someone like my mother in law today. She comes to the house, eats my food, watches my TV, uses my restroom, etc. all without charge. If I had charged her, then the very meaning of the word “guest” no longer applies (as well as me probably needing representation in a divorce action) as it would then become a business relationship. The word guest demands that there be no charge or no business relationship. The fact that hotels and restaurants have used it improperly for so long doesn’t change this. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/49 "2020-12-25T20:54:09Z")
ISTM there are 3 categories of corporate speak. I can’t quite say which one I hate the most. 1. Euphemistic BS. Using fancy words hoping to fool whoever hears them into thinking something nicer that reality. And since the audience are not fools and are not fooled, instead it just serves to tell us that the overlords think we’re stupid in addition to powerless. See “rightsize” as euphemism for “mass layoff”, “personal day” as euphemism for “you don’t get sick leave _and_ vacation; you just get one or the other. And not nearly enough”, “buyout” as euphemism for “dismemberment”. Etc. 2. Trendy all but meaningless buzzwords. Most folks here have posted these. Proactively synergize your leverage with _this_ you pompous ManagerTwit! See also **[https://professionalsuperhero.com/](https://professionalsuperhero.com/)** 3. Marketing speak. The promise that doesn’t; the comparison that isn’t; the claim that almost. When I am Emperor there will be a truly ginormous bonfire and a lot of twits will find themselves and all their writings upon it. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/50 "2020-12-25T21:13:26Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > The word guest demands that there be no charge or no business relationship. The fact that hotels and restaurants have used it improperly for so long doesn’t change this. Your entire argument seems to hinge on a very narrow definition of the term ‘guest’. Is it authoritative and universal? Let’s check Merriam-Webster: > [@](#): > > 1. a person entertained in one’s house > > 2. person to whom hospitality is extended > > 3. a person who pays for the services of an establishment (such as a hotel or restaurant) Webster’s dictionary: > [@](#): > > 1. A lodger or a boarder at a hotel, lodging house, or boarding house. Collins dictionary includes the UK term “paying guest” > [@](#): > > A paying guest is a person who pays to stay with someone in their home, usually for a short time. (My mother took in paying guests.) Which demonstrates that “paying” is not mutually exclusive with “guest”. If all the dictionaries say that a paying hotel customer can be a guest, and dictionaries are considered to be authoritative as to the meaning of words, then by what authority do you claim that they’re all wrong and you’re right? ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/51 "2020-12-25T21:15:57Z")
Harvard Business Review had a great podcast episode about this: > **[I Don’t Understand What Anyone Is Saying Anymore](https://hbr.org/2011/12/i-dont-understand-what-anyone.html)** > > Listen to Dan Pallotta explain why we still use jargon, even though we hate it. Download this podcast I’d say that in about half of my business conversations, I have almost no idea what other people are saying to me. The language of internet business... Oh two that came to mind recently: Someone I work with actually wrote “available to timing services” in a document. What he was trying to say was “uses a timer”. I got an alert from eversource that there may be power outages “during the Christmas holiday.” If only we could figure out one word to use to describe “the Christmas holiday”! ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/52 "2020-12-25T21:18:50Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Which demonstrates that “paying” is not mutually exclusive with “guest”. But we have another word for that which is “customer.” This definition has thus destroyed the term “guest” and deprived it of any meaning. If you knocked on my door right now and pointed at my mother in law, and I said she was a guest, would you believe I had charged her for admission? You would not. If I said she was a customer, you would believe that I had charged her. Regardless of dictionary definitions, that is the common understanding of the difference in those terms. Otherwise, we might as well eliminate the word “guest” from our language. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/53 "2020-12-25T21:44:16Z")
> [@eschereal](#): > > we will give you a gift bag with some fancy-looking cheap-ass candy and a little flashlight with the corporate logo on it! - When the next round of layoffs leaves you unable to pay the electric bill, you’ll be grateful for that flashlight. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/54 "2020-12-25T21:49:12Z")
> [@scareyfaerie](#): > > “Reach out”. No, you’re not “reaching out” to me, you’re about to email me because you’ve made a colossal blunder and you expect me to fix it for you. “Reach out” always strikes me as weirdly 60s-ish. It reminds me of the song “Reach Out of the Darkness,” and the Burt Bacharach album _Reach Out_. If someone says they’re “reaching out” to me, I’m tempted to respond with “Groovy,” or “Far out!” ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/55 "2020-12-25T22:41:28Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > But we have another word for that which is “customer.” This definition has thus destroyed the term “guest” and deprived it of any meaning. No, silly, words are not destroyed when they take on secondary meanings. We use a thing called “context”. Most people don’t seem to suffer any confusion about the difference between “guest” and “customer”. People who are supposed to pay, pay. Those who don’t, don’t. I’m not sure what harm you think is happening here. > [@](#): > > If I said she was a customer, you would believe that I had charged her. Regardless of dictionary definitions, that is the common understanding of the difference in those terms. Okay, so we’re going with “I’m right and all the dictionaries are wrong?” That’s your final answer? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/56 "2020-12-25T22:48:23Z")
‘Revert’ when they really mean ‘reply’ ‘I’ll revert to you tomorrow’ No you won’t, You never were me. You can’t revert to me. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/57 "2020-12-25T22:49:40Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > ‘Revert’ when they really mean ‘reply’ > > ‘I’ll revert to you tomorrow’ It’s Indian English. I’m not a fan of that entire category at all, that’s a separate topic, but it’s correct by their rules. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/58 "2020-12-25T22:51:11Z")
It’s been adopted into UK corporate speak (probably when businesses communicated a lot with India when outsourcing there) ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/59 "2020-12-25T22:52:09Z")
Ugh. Well, that sucks, I hope it doesn’t spread across the pond. ---
**Author:** ![blabbermeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9a140/32.png) [@blabbermeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blabbermeister)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/60 "2020-12-25T22:54:28Z")
People at my company have started to pronounce the word “processes” with a long E (processeeze). As if “process” were a Latin word like “index” or “matrix.” We’ve improved a number of processeeze. They seem to think it sounds more professional. In fact, that’s probably why they get promoted so often. I don’t care, I’m still not saying it that way. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2020, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/61 "2020-12-25T22:56:27Z")
Trying to sound sciency I expect. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=4)