# Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 24, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852 "2020-12-24T23:02:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2020, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/164 "2020-12-28T18:19:45Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#): > > I first noticed this on a van proclaiming “snacking solutions”, then one for a business offering “fenestration solutions”; there’s probably some whizzkid in a chemicals company all geared up to rebrand them as “solutions solutions”. I occasionally see a truck with a trailer full of lawnmowers, weedeaters, etc. His logo is: “Lawnage Solutions”. I’m pretty sure this qualifies him for any CEO job. > [@DeadTreasSecretaries](#): > > Without buy-in from all key stakeholders around the meaning of guest, these headwinds are going to occupy too much bandwidth. We’re going to need to have an open dialogue to drill down where the rubber really meets the road. Remember, there is more than one way to skin a cat. Some of our more useless managers discovered the word: “aperture”. They were as clueless about its meaning as about “time frame” and “bandwidth”, but they set about trying to out-stupid one another by inserting it into sentences. We declared a winner when one VP announced (via company-wide video) “We should strive to open our apertures for the good of the company.” You could hear the laughter all over the plant. ---
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2020, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/165 "2020-12-28T19:11:08Z")
There’s a van I sometimes see advertising “Funeral Solutions.” ---
**Author:** ![DeadTreasSecretaries](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deadtreassecretaries/32/4817_2.png) [@DeadTreasSecretaries](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadTreasSecretaries)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2020, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/166 "2020-12-28T19:37:33Z")
I hope the company is called Fuggeddabaddit ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2020, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/167 "2020-12-28T22:39:42Z")
Some newer alternatives? [https://www.economist.com/1843/2020/11/30/from-zumping-to-toxic-productivity-workplace-slang-for-the-pandemic](https://www.economist.com/1843/2020/11/30/from-zumping-to-toxic-productivity-workplace-slang-for-the-pandemic) ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/168 "2020-12-29T00:46:47Z")
> [@pullin](#): > > “We should strive to open our apertures for the good of the company.” > > You could hear the laughter all over the plant. I suppose what the exec really meant was BOHICA. That involves opened apertures. 😉 As well, any photographer knows that when you open the aperture you lose depth of field. Said another way, your focus goes to hell. Or at least your ability to focus on more than one thing. So when the boss tells you to open your aperture, you can answer “Sure Boss; glad to. Now I can’t focus on {long list of ancillary BS}. I can only focus on one thing. And since it’s 4:30 right now, I’m focused on going home. Ta ta until tomorrow.” ---
**Author:** ![pirviii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pirviii/32/3233_2.png) [@pirviii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pirviii)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/169 "2020-12-29T02:09:15Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I suppose what the exec really meant was BOHICA. That involves opened apertures. That was my exact thought of what aperture was needing to be opened wider because they are going in dry. ---
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/170 "2020-12-29T15:49:49Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I suppose what the exec really meant was BOHICA. That involves opened apertures. 😉 > > So when the boss tells you to open your aperture, you can answer “Sure Boss; glad to. Now I can’t focus on {long list of ancillary BS}. I can only focus on one thing. And since it’s 4:30 right now, I’m focused on going home. Ta ta until tomorrow.” Ha! Learned another acronym! Shortly after the “aperture” incident, I employed another well-known acronym: “FIGMO”. Although not precise, it was descriptive enough – which is why I’m posting late on a weekday morning with my second cup of coffee. 🕶 ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/171 "2020-12-29T20:33:05Z")
I complained about this in the Pit, but I just got an email entitled “CRITICAL ASK” and had to walk away for a second so I didn’t punch my laptop. Unfortunately I work in regulated healthcare markets, so while I sympathize with those who hate acronyms, they’re a language I’m required to speak. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/172 "2020-12-29T20:47:22Z")
I just ran across another ubiquitous one - why is everything always “pivotal”? (rhetorical question) ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/173 "2020-12-29T21:47:00Z")
It’s the only way to have a paradigm shift. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2020, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/174 "2020-12-29T23:58:39Z")
> [@Odesio](#): > > > [@Duckster](#): > > > > Yes there is. > > > > Human Capital Management. > > What’s a better word or term to use? I’m in HR and never viewed HCM to be particularly dehumanizing. Derf (of “The City” cartoon) once drew a corporate org chart, in which the front-line employees were positioned at the bottom, one level below the office furniture. That’s how HR, and especially HCM style of HR thinks of employees. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2020, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/175 "2020-12-30T00:36:56Z")
> [@psychobunny](#): > > I will also second the substitution of client for patient and care provider for doctor, nurse etc. I tend to think that “client” works well for anyone who pays for, and receives, a service rather than a product. I am bothered by companies that provide something that I consider a service but call it a product. In particular, banks and other financial firms and insurance companies provide a variety of types of accounts or policies, all of which they call “products”, although I think of those as services, not products. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2020, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/176 "2020-12-30T00:39:41Z")
> [@psychobunny](#): > > ’m just going to add “drill down”. You are looking at a subset of the data. There is no drilling involved. “Drill down” seems to work because of the way one arrives at the desired subset: First you look at a larger set of the data, then pick out what attribute in all that data is of interest and limit your view to the data with that attribute, then repeat that process, successively narrowing down the subset of data. I think “drill down” is suitable for that process. ---
**Author:** ![SCAdian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scadian/32/3292_2.png) [@SCAdian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCAdian)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2020, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/177 "2020-12-30T00:49:54Z")
“Bubble up.” As in “That’s a good suggestion – I’ll bubble it up to higher management.” And not a bowl of rainbow stew in sight… ---
**Author:** ![blabbermeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9a140/32.png) [@blabbermeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blabbermeister)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2020, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/178 "2020-12-30T02:32:10Z")
People saying “I feel” instead of “I think” in a business context when you’re not expressing a feeling or emotion. They probably do this to prevent criticism, because “you can’t blame me for how I feel.” “I feel that sales would increase if we made the product harder to use and stopped advertising.” Well, your feelings are wrong. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2020, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/179 "2020-12-30T23:18:33Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > I am bothered by companies that provide something that I consider a service but call it a product. As mentioned earlier upthread, you are going to have to deal with it being called a “solution” otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Sponge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dark_sponge/32/121_2.png) [@Dark\_Sponge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Sponge)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2020, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/180 "2020-12-30T23:51:47Z")
Being in IT, my hated word is ‘cloud.’ People ask about moving to the ‘cloud’ or getting services in the ‘cloud’ but cloud just means Internet. It originates from network diagrams where the Internet is traditionally drawn as a cloud: [![](https://online.visual-paradigm.com/repository/images/4161e7b6-63f0-41c2-97a9-d5d68eeae243.png) ](https://online.visual-paradigm.com/repository/images/4161e7b6-63f0-41c2-97a9-d5d68eeae243.png) ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Mouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mighty_mouse/32/7776_2.png) [@Mighty\_Mouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Mouse)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2020, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/181 "2020-12-31T00:21:25Z")
> [@Dark\_Sponge](#): > > People ask about moving to the ‘cloud’ or getting services in the ‘cloud’ but cloud just means Internet. It originates from network diagrams where the Internet is traditionally drawn as a cloud Doesn’t it actually mean you don’t know or care where your data/programs are physically stored? In case it’s not obvious, I’m not in IT (though I have a graduate degree in Computer Science it was before this was a thing) ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Sponge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dark_sponge/32/121_2.png) [@Dark\_Sponge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Sponge)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2020, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/182 "2020-12-31T00:53:29Z")
> [@Mighty\_Mouse](#): > > Doesn’t it actually mean you don’t know or care where your data/programs are physically stored? Most of the time cloud services are multi-homed so that’s not a terrible definition. Of course, the reason why you don’t care is because it’s on the Internet. I’ve never heard of a multi-homed internal network service/website being referred to as ‘in the cloud.’ ---
**Author:** ![peccavi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peccavi/32/388_2.png) [@peccavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peccavi)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2020, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852/183 "2020-12-31T02:51:48Z")
The cloud isn’t the network through which the cloud services are accessed and it isn’t “the internet”. It is remote storage, processing, and programs that allow users to “pay by the sip” for use without needing any knowledge about the hardware they are using. But the “cloud” a user is accessing is a defined set of servers maintained by a single entity (Amazon AWS is an example) that is accessed through the internet. The symbol for the internet has traditionally been a cloud, but the term cloud computing has only been around for about 25 years, hence the confusion. > **[Cloud computing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloud_computing)** > > Pages for logged out editors learn more > > > Cloud computing is the on-demand availability of computer system resources, especially data storage (cloud storage) and computing power, without direct active management by the user. Large clouds often have functions distributed over multiple locations, each of which is a data center. Cloud computing relies on sharing of resources to achieve coherence and typically uses a "pay as you go" model, which can help in reducing capital expenses but may... And internal clouds are definitely a thing. If a corporation is big enough, virtualization of a bunch of servers and providing access to employees rather than paying for higher performance processors and bigger disks for each employee is cost effective. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corporate-speak-that-pisses-you-off/928852.md?page=10)