Corporate Speak That Pisses You Off

Or management might not be idiots in the way you assume. The top manager at a place I worked once had change consultants in (yes, we were in that much trouble) who led the managers in all the usual bullshit. But during the third off premises meeting they started recommending stuff the top guy didn’t want. They were out on their asses the next day and the change process came to a screeching halt.
Some bosses know that their staff won’t listen to them, but rather to a bunch of experts who will sell the change the boss wants as disinterested parties.
It was fascinating to watch, more fun than work, and we got some good lunches out of it.

Reminds me … there was a fad among corporate management a few decades ago: pick a team of subject matter experts from various lines of business, and lock them in a conference room for months, with a “facilitator”, usually a consultant from one of the Big Six accounting firms. Discuss just what it is your company does. Document the hell out of it: process diagrams, flow charts, interview notes, context diagrams. Put it all in binders, put it on the shelf, and never look at it again.

I went through this in 1990 for my then-employer, a national retail chain (since gone out of business). Eight years later I changed jobs, went to a major electronic payments processing company who was doing the exact same thing with the exact same results. Still have some tchotchkes with our project logo, though.

“Best Practices” is a great thing in theory (learn from other people’s success and failures. learn from your own successes and failures. use industry standards). In practice, you end up with:

  • the person who refuses to do anything unless it’s a “best practice.”
  • the person who insists on doing everything that is labeled a “best practice,” even when it really doesn’t apply to your situation at all
  • the bully who loudly insists that his (it’s always a him) way is the “best practice” and shouts it until everyone else gives up and lets him do what he wants and works around him

You forgot:

  • The person who labels and justifies what you already do as a “best practice”, and changes absolutely nothing.

Great for passing audits, though

Speaking of audits, I remember the year my software organization went from CMMI Level 3 to the top CMMI Level 5! Much glad-handing all around and self-congratulations. As far as I could tell, we didn’t change a damn thing about the way we did software. All we changed were the Powerpoint packages we presented to the auditors.

I am sure that you could get a good price for it at the market in The Well of Lost Plots - Wikipedia

It’s not exactly “corporate”-speak, but the University of Hartford should get recognition for emulating its corporate brethren (or sistern) in announcing that the university will be dropping down from Division I to Division III in athletics. From the ESPN story:

“A move to Division III will allow the University to further strengthen the academic, co-curricular, and wellness experience for all students,” board of regents chair David Gordon said in a statement."

The move was actually precipitated by a study showing the U. of Hartford could save $9.2 million a year by going to Division III. How the anticipated savings affect students’ “wellness experience” is another matter. :thinking:

Well, playing easier teams means getting tackled less equals fewer injuries. Wellness!

Not having good sports teams means more students coming to the school for academics. Oh, and fewer students going to The Big Game on Friday night, so fewer drunks killing their brain cells.

My college had piss-poor athletic teams. But that was great; instead of jocks, we had nerds. I went to one football game in four years, it sucked.

Well… if they decomposed the password into fragments, and then hashed the fragments, then they could enforce uniqueness without storing cleartext passwords.

Obviously much depends on the decomposition here, but you could do stuff like strip out the non-alpha chars, then downcase the rest of it, and use some syllable-detecting heuristic to decide what the maybe-repeatable fragments are. Then hash that information for later reference.

It couldn’t possibly be a comprehensive defense, of course, but it would catch defiant assholes like me who use revolving patterned passwords like Jan2020!.

By reducing tuition.

And people think I can’t make jokes.

Sounds like someone has some Weltschmerz.

I’m a retired U.S. public school teacher and there is a bit of overlap in the jargon- at least, every now and then a new fad tries to force some corporate speak into the faculty meetings.

A big one ten years ago (maybe still) was “As a __________, I always…” or “As a ________, you should…”.

Any time a speaker started a sentence with “As a this that or other…”, it was clear some serious bragging or chiding was forthcoming!

Public schools in Georgia are also terrible about using “pre-planning” (isn’t all planning “pre-” by definition?) and “post-planning.”

I always think it’s a good idea to prepare to proceed to plan to commence to think about doing something. You get so much more not done that way! :wink:

Yeah, that’s like the ISO9000 compliance that went to ISO9004.

I wonder what it’s up to now? It’s all such a load of horse crap, IMO.

That’s a huge irritant on my list. I once asked a cow-orker “So what planning meeting does this one precede and why not combine them into one meeting?” I was told, “Don’t be silly.”

You know things are getting tough when you live in a Dilbert comic strip:

Check this site: Premeeting Meeting Comic Strips | Dilbert by Scott Adams

A trade van I saw yesterday: “Roof Access Solutions” (i e., scaffolders)