# CorpSpeak will drive me nuts
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [November 4, 2004, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029 "2004-11-04T19:50:26Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/1 "2004-11-04T19:50:26Z")
Not pitworthy, really.
I’m getting so tired of corporate speak that I’m ready to boycott anyone who uses it.
“Please advise if you have any spare cycles to…”
Despite my overwhelming intelligence, I’m not a computer.
“Do you possibly have the bandwidth to…”
And I may be mindnumbingly fast, but I’m not a broadband pipeline either.
“Give me a moment to get my arms around this…”
Hey, you see this? Get your arms around THIS.
“I need you to reach out to…”
How about I reach out and slap ya some?
“Let’s put this topic in the parking lot…”
What say we just take it out to the alley instead?
“I’d like to schedule a roundtable…”
Just because you’re a pointy-headed, tin-foil hat wearing freak doesn’t mean I’m going to mistake you for a knight.
From now on, when anyone formats one of their requests this way, I’m just going to say “Huh? I have no clue what you mean” until they say it in normal, plain English.
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### Author:  [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/2 "2004-11-04T19:54:24Z")
I think you have too much on your plate right now. Let’s bang our heads together and see if you can come to a consenus about the best way to tackle this problem.
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### Author:  [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/3 "2004-11-04T20:01:20Z")
I’d like to get some face time in the board room before the pow-wow - can you meet me there in 20.
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### Author:  [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/4 "2004-11-04T20:06:32Z")
At the end of the day, we need to identify the root-cause issue. Maybe we need to task someone with this new inititiative, and liaise with other teams to get their feedback.
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### Author:  [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/5 "2004-11-04T20:12:39Z")
In the post-election coverage, it seems there is some new FCC regulation mandating that _every sentence_ must begin with a particular phrase for which I harbor an irrational, seething hatred: _going forward/_
I can’t come up with any good reason why I despise it so much, other than its ubiquity.
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### Author:  [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/6 "2004-11-04T20:14:01Z")
AAAAHHH!!! _wham_ _wham_
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### Author:  [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/7 "2004-11-04T20:26:28Z")
Sounds like a project!
We need to submit a request to project management so they can round up the troops, gather requirements and create a project plan.
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### Author:  [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/8 "2004-11-04T20:33:18Z")
> [@Tiggrkitty](#):
>
> Sounds like a project!
>
> We need to submit a request to project management so they can round up the troops, gather requirements and create a project plan.
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were in on my call this morning. The problem (root-cause issue) is, I _am_ project management, so all these brainwashed flunkies come to me spewing the dreck that’s been forcefed to them. Corpspeak is to the Business world what foie gras is to geese. Some people think it’s the greatest; I think it’s horrendous.
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### Author:  [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/9 "2004-11-04T20:45:29Z")
Maybe you just need to think outside the box.
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### Author:  [@hopesperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hopesperson)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/10 "2004-11-04T20:56:59Z")
Why don’t you take a spin through the report and see if we can solution some of our recent challenges. I’ll touch base with you later.
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### Author:  [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/11 "2004-11-04T22:12:49Z")
Heh. When I worked for a mega-corp we some of us played “Bullsh\*t Bingo” during meetings. Pick 25 or more of your least favorite corporate buzzwords or phrases. On a 5x5 grid, randomly write a buzz word or phrase in each block. Play just like bingo, except instead of “B5” and “A27” you’ll be marking off “root causes” and “roundtables”. It looks like you’re hanging on the speakers every word ('cause you are) and taking notes (but you’re not). Instead of yeeling “BINGO!” a simple cough and raised eyebrow is enough to let all the players know who won. Even more fun when wagers are made beforehand.
Slight highjack -
Every meeting also has the ubiquitous handouts. I used to make a tic mark on my copy everytime the presenter used a verbal crutch - i.e.: um, ah, like (I really despise “like”). You’ll find that most folks have a particular verbal crutch, some of which are pretty amusing. The most I ever recorded was a gentleman who used “um” over 400 times in a 30 minute presentation. That’s an average of one “um” every 4.5 seconds!
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### Author:  [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/12 "2004-11-04T22:17:13Z")
Our next steps should be to incentivize the sales force to really make this a win-win situation, and leverage that opportunity to build greater brand equity.
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### Author:  [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)
#### Post date: [November 4, 2004, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/13 "2004-11-04T22:18:10Z")
If you network with some of your associates and utilize their resources and amalgamate your diversified talents, you can produce a deliverable that will effect more efficacy throughout the rest of the team. You must coordinate with your key players to develop a game plan that has everybody on the same page. The company is shifting its focus and envisoning new paradigms, so be prepared for tomorrow’s new chalenges.
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### Author:  [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/14 "2004-11-05T00:00:41Z")
Thanks for helicoptering this issue, **TellMeI’mNotCrazy** ; we’ll escalate it and task some resource and quality time on it; going forward, we should touch base in seven and kick it around, run our best possible practices up the flagpole - see who salutes, then implement robust and user-centric synergies.
At this time, the convergence isn’t mature enough to to target deliverables, but it is mission-critical, so we’ll pick the low-hanging fruit first. Let’s maintain transparency on this one.
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### Author:  [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/15 "2004-11-05T01:11:15Z")
> [@Mangetout](#):
>
> Thanks for helicoptering this issue, **TellMeI’mNotCrazy** ; we’ll escalate it and task some resource and quality time on it; going forward, we should touch base in seven and kick it around,
Good Lord, how do you do that without going into grand-mal seizures? 😃
Vlad/Igor
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### Author:  [@jessicala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jessicala)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/16 "2004-11-05T01:39:36Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#):
>
> I think you have too much on your plate right now. Let’s bang our heads together and see if you can come to a consenus about the best way to tackle this **problem**.
You haven’t gotten the memo yet? You out of the loop? In this day and age, we do not have “problems.” We have _issues_. Your negative vernacular is adversely affecting the morale of the group, and that’s a big red flag.
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### Author:  [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/17 "2004-11-05T11:13:18Z")
> [@Vlad/Igor](#):
>
> Good Lord, how do you do that without going into grand-mal seizures?
Simple! it was a win-win situation; the bottom line is that we outsourced the knowledgebase, globally.
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### Author:  [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/18 "2004-11-05T11:17:34Z")
Just be grateful that you work somewhere that empowers you to speak your mind.
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### Author:  [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/19 "2004-11-05T11:52:50Z")
This thread has jumped the shark.
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### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [November 5, 2004, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/corpspeak-will-drive-me-nuts/273029/20 "2004-11-05T12:11:23Z")
The problem, as I see it **TellMeI’mNotCrazy** , (who is, in fact, insane and she knows why 😃 ) is that you have failed to visualize the total picture. Instead of internalizing, you should look globally. The new benchmarks we have actualized should empower the team to envision the total corporate concept. Take these paradigms back to the drawing board and conceptualize them and get back in three so we can kick them around and see if we get any field goals.
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