# Could a vampire get breast implants? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 14, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772 "2010-09-14T20:38:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/21 "2010-09-15T11:07:19Z")
In Christopher Moore’s second of his Vampire Trilogy, **You Suck: A Love Story** a hooker who has breast implants loses them after she becomes a vampire. In his universe (as in many others), becoming a vampire means that your health problems are fixed, and you are returned to your “original” state. In her case, that meant that her body rejected the implants. So in Moore’s reality, the answer is “No”. Of course, there is no “canonical” vampire biology – vampires as we know them are essentially a creation of the past two centuries of fiction, and their properties have been created by some weird evolutionary process that relies not upon adaptive radiation and natural and sexual selection, but writer imagination radiation and reader selection. You can create a vampire reality in which your vampire’s Stripper Boobs are possible, but if too many readers opt for Christopher Moore’s Boob-Rejecting reality, or some other writer’s continuity that;'s inconsistent with implants, then your vampire won’t stand the test of time. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/22 "2010-09-15T11:10:27Z")
> [@amarinth](#): > > Couldn’t she just use a glamour of some kind to make people think she was better endowed when she was on stage? That seems more vampiric than surgery. “She”? Can’t male vampires get implants? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/23 "2010-09-15T12:43:23Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > So in my version implants would not be needed, as a flat-chested human would grow aesthetically proportionate breasts. What’s considered “aesthetically proportionate” by a person is considered “too small” by another one, “too big” by a third… and that applies to muscles as well as boobs. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/24 "2010-09-15T13:05:34Z")
> [@Manduck](#): > > They should be violently rejected during a performance. That could be your climax! Hollywood will be beating a path to your door! THAT IDEA IS MINE! MINE!! YOU CAN’T HAVE IT!!@! … or pierced by a wooden stake. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/25 "2010-09-15T13:09:37Z")
> [@One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](#): > > > [@Sailboat](#): > > > > You should _totally_ name her **Countess D**. > > Pre op, Countess DD afterwards… 😉 …and you thought your Thanksgiving debacle was going to be bad. “Please pass the mashed potatoes.” “I can’t reach…!” “_Behind_ her chair. Thank you…!” Then there’s the religious ramifications (altar boy sold separately) “…Father Merrin, Father Merrin! I need you to bless this bra. Its the only hope we have of protecting the world from _10 pounds of Unholy Silicon…!_” btw- Any chance she could sashay through a fancy restaurant topless and have the same effect on men that Gabriel Byrne had on women in ‘End of Days’? (Oh, nm; Any woman could do that…) ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/26 "2010-09-15T13:51:16Z")
I don’t see a problem with her getting breast implants. Just make sure she doesn’t feed on the innocent 12 hours before her surgery and there’s another vampire available to fly her home afterwards. The surgeons are also probably going to need to know her blood types and what her DNR (Doesn’t Need Resuscitation) orders are. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/27 "2010-09-15T14:10:14Z")
The doctor would also be a vampire, FWIW. There is a whole network of vampires with various specialties that she will become aware of. ETA: In my world, vampires are not “out” to the public. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/28 "2010-09-15T17:16:00Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > > [@drastic\_quench](#): > > > > So in my version implants would not be needed, as a flat-chested human would grow aesthetically proportionate breasts. > > What’s considered “aesthetically proportionate” by a person is considered “too small” by another one, “too big” by a third… and that applies to muscles as well as boobs. Basically, both men and women should look good enough as vampires that no one would ever think to complain. They’re not Greek gods carved in stone, but they should be attractive to a very wide spectrum of humanity. I think of it as a evolutionary trait that aids in feeding and survival. An ugly vampire is going to have a lot more difficulty in the seduction and blood draining department - glamoring or not. Vampires on the town should never have a problem getting on the good side of the velvet rope just based on their looks. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/29 "2010-09-16T04:28:48Z")
Be that as it may, in the world I’m creating, vampires look just like they did as humans when they were turned. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/30 "2010-09-16T06:28:21Z")
Well, that allows for a type of natural selection, then, unless there are other ways to get the needed blood. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/31 "2010-09-16T11:30:50Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Well, that allows for a type of natural selection, then, unless there are other ways to get the needed blood. But if the DD look is intended to get blood pumping from other parts of their victims bodies to where the vampire wants it, then the whole neck thing is a fallacy? I guess I drastically mis-understood back on Buffy when I heard the line, “Oh yeah, these vampires are going Doooown…!” :eek: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/32 "2010-09-16T14:01:36Z")
I’m seeing an evil Von Helsing character adding garlic to the saline solution and thinning the walls of the implant some. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/33 "2010-09-16T14:29:51Z")
Why bother with garlic? Holy water is just water with a little salt (saline) and a blessing. If a priest blesses her saline implants, she’s a walking time bomb; one rupture and PIFF! Pile of ash. Speaking of which, my first thought was: bless the surgical instruments. That’ll prevent healing during the surgery, and she’ll just need a good drink afterward to kickstart the healing process. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Accident](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr.Accident](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Accident)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/34 "2010-09-16T14:40:40Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > Speaking of which, my first thought was: bless the surgical instruments. That’ll prevent healing during the surgery, and she’ll just need a good drink afterward to kickstart the healing process. Depends on how blessed objects react to vampire flesh in her book. Some stories I’ve read have the objects burst into flame when it comes in contact with undead beings. That wouldn’t be to good on an operating table. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/35 "2010-09-16T14:45:14Z")
Just cuz they heal fast doesn’t mean they have super-sensitive immune systems. Most people don’t reject implants, their tissue heals around them. No reason vampires should be any different–they just recover faster from the surgery. The idea of filling them with holy water is pure genius. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/36 "2010-09-16T17:43:34Z")
They’re going to be cohesive silicone gel implants, not saline. So they’re kind of like jello, not liquid. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/37 "2010-09-17T02:36:55Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > They’re going to be cohesive silicone gel implants, not saline. So they’re kind of like jello, not liquid. Jello? Bursting into flame? Did we just invent vampires with napalm shootin breast action? (Lets see Barbie top That this holiday season…) ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/38 "2010-09-17T03:45:33Z")
> [@Apollyon](#): > > Now I’m trying to remember the name of the vampire story that mentions the vampire stripper who takes everything off… everything! :eek: (Vampire fast heal FTW). I don’t know if it’s the story you’re thinking of, but there was a scene like that in _The Bloody Red Baron_ by Kim Newman. ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2010, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/39 "2010-09-17T03:56:38Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > > [@Apollyon](#): > > > > Now I’m trying to remember the name of the vampire story that mentions the vampire stripper who takes everything off… everything! :eek: (Vampire fast heal FTW). > > I don’t know if it’s the story you’re thinking of, but there was a scene like that in _The Bloody Red Baron_ by Kim Newman. That’ll be the one. 🙂 Thank you. I kept thinking _Anno Dracula_ but was sure that wasn’t right… both decent vampire novels (particularly if you like alternate history / inclusion of fictional and historical characters). Have to find the 3rd book some time. ---
**Author:** ![Brayne\_Ded](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2018, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772/40 "2018-07-01T21:16:22Z")
The problem with the undead, whether vampires or zombies, is that they break the laws of nature and so you essentially have to create laws of your own. Do vampires bleed if injured? What if one got mashed by a truck? What happens to the food they eat? What happens if they do not get blood? Do they just fade away - and perhaps even die - if they don’t get their refills? Do they feel pain? Do they feel anything, apart from hunger/thirst? Since they are logically impossible, you simply need to create a consistent scheme. Implants? OK, if post-transition. But filling them with holy water - or holy silicon, and yes, it can leak - would be interesting. Vampirettes (and gay vampires, assuming that vampires have any sort of sex life or sexual feelings at all) offer all sport of possibilities, some quite lurid. Is a blowjob a satisfactory substitute for blood? Would anyone want to have sex with a vampire, even assuming they don’t become lunch? Do they feel cold to the touch? Or burning hot? Could a vampire become a mummy or a daddy? What would the offspring be? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-a-vampire-get-breast-implants/553772.md?page=3)