# Could you be friends with someone in a group marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 5, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684 "2010-09-05T14:44:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/21 "2010-09-05T16:39:58Z")
All we know of the genders is that at least two of the four are women (else the reference “anybody gets pregnant” wouldn’t work). ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/22 "2010-09-05T16:40:51Z")
[quote=“Skald\_the\_Rhymer, post:16, topic:552684”] > [@Linty\_Fresh](#): > > More importantly, would you answer change if you lived in a more conservative locale? That’s easy. I wouldn’t live in a more conservative locale. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/23 "2010-09-05T16:53:05Z")
95% have no problem with it at all. Did you really expect anything else from this group? Is there anyone responding here that hasn’t read Stranger in a Strange Land at least once? ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/24 "2010-09-05T16:54:37Z")
Been there, done that. Didn’t work out, but neither did my first several attempts at romance. ETA: No yeah, I’d accept the invitation and socialize the the lot of them. No problem at all ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/25 "2010-09-05T16:55:21Z")
I not only maintain the friendship, I point and laugh at people who distance themselves in judgment. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Accident](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr.Accident](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Accident)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/26 "2010-09-05T17:08:49Z")
> [@Projammer](#): > > 95% have no problem with it at all. > > Did you really expect anything else from this group? Is there anyone responding here that hasn’t read Stranger in a Strange Land at least once? Not only have I not read it, I haven’t even heard of it. Is it good? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/27 "2010-09-05T17:16:34Z")
> [@Mr.Accident](#): > > > [@Projammer](#): > > > > 95% have no problem with it at all. > > > > Did you really expect anything else from this group? Is there anyone responding here that hasn’t read Stranger in a Strange Land at least once? > > Not only have I not read it, I haven’t even heard of it. Is it good? I’ll say… yes and no. I’ll also say you’ll be happier with _The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress_, by the same author (Robert Heinlein) and also including group marriages as a plot point. **Projammer** , the board sometimes surprises me. When I started the thread on “Would you be willing to be cut off from all human contact for a year for $1,000,000,” I expected most people woulday say, “Oh, hell no.” But if I recall aright, a good portion of the respondents replied along the lines of “Hell yes. How much can I get for TWO years?” ETA: Incidentally, right now we’re actually running at 100 % willing to be friends with them. The sole dissenting vote is mine, and I only voted so that I could see the poll results more easily. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/28 "2010-09-05T17:18:01Z")
> [@Projammer](#): > > Did you really expect anything else from this group? Is there anyone responding here that hasn’t read Stranger in a Strange Land at least once? Yeah. I think I tried once but couldn’t get past the first few pages. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/29 "2010-09-05T17:19:57Z")
What’s the problem here? Why do I care if four consenting adults are in a group marriage? Actually, I’ve been friends in real life with people in group marriages. It’s a total non-issue, as long as they respect the fact I’m a happy faithful heterosexual monogamist. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/30 "2010-09-05T18:00:26Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@rhubarbarin](#): > > > > Common sense? It’s a man’s name. > > And Reid isn’t? > > Anyway,[here’s at least one female Dorian.](http://www.cinemablend.com/celebrity/40-s-Cover-Girl-Dorian-Leigh-Passes-Away-at-91-11208.html) And [here’s](http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.whatsonsouthwest.co.uk/images/articles/cat2-img1.1208777900.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.whatsonsouthwest.co.uk/article.php%3Fid%3D9894&usg=__e64y-pEhEsfhIHvhaQto-fUS_LY=&h=200&w=200&sz=44&hl=en&start=0&sig2=kKpPDKquE045ChXJDigapQ&zoom=1&tbnid=sW-79kxG3HibpM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=117&ei=X9qDTJiVBsaRswbSrPjlCA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddorian%2Bbirds%2Bof%2Ba%2Bfeather%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26hs%3DMCK%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26biw%3D604%26bih%3D284%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=150&vpy=22&dur=2541&hovh=160&hovw=160&tx=88&ty=139&oei=X9qDTJiVBsaRswbSrPjlCA&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=8&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0) another. But the ‘buddy’ thing made me think Dorian was a man. Is Reyes a first name at all? I guess some people do go by their surnames. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/31 "2010-09-05T18:06:01Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > And Reid isn’t? > > > > Anyway,[here’s at least one female Dorian.](http://www.cinemablend.com/celebrity/40-s-Cover-Girl-Dorian-Leigh-Passes-Away-at-91-11208.html) > > And [here’s](http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.whatsonsouthwest.co.uk/images/articles/cat2-img1.1208777900.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.whatsonsouthwest.co.uk/article.php%3Fid%3D9894&usg=__e64y-pEhEsfhIHvhaQto-fUS_LY=&h=200&w=200&sz=44&hl=en&start=0&sig2=kKpPDKquE045ChXJDigapQ&zoom=1&tbnid=sW-79kxG3HibpM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=117&ei=X9qDTJiVBsaRswbSrPjlCA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddorian%2Bbirds%2Bof%2Ba%2Bfeather%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26hs%3DMCK%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26biw%3D604%26bih%3D284%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=150&vpy=22&dur=2541&hovh=160&hovw=160&tx=88&ty=139&oei=X9qDTJiVBsaRswbSrPjlCA&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=8&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0) another. > > But the ‘buddy’ thing made me think Dorian was a man. > > Is Reyes a first name at all? I guess some people do go by their surnames. It’s the last name of Judy Reyes, who played Carla on Scrubs. Carla, you may recall, was best friends with Eliot Reid and once fantasized about making out with and marrying her, saying it would be easier than her actual marriage to Chris Turk; and Chris Turk of course was best friends with transparently in love with John Dorian, who had an off & on relationship with Eliot Reid. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/32 "2010-09-05T18:09:19Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@scifisam2009](#): > > > > And [here’s](http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.whatsonsouthwest.co.uk/images/articles/cat2-img1.1208777900.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.whatsonsouthwest.co.uk/article.php%3Fid%3D9894&usg=__e64y-pEhEsfhIHvhaQto-fUS_LY=&h=200&w=200&sz=44&hl=en&start=0&sig2=kKpPDKquE045ChXJDigapQ&zoom=1&tbnid=sW-79kxG3HibpM:&tbnh=124&tbnw=117&ei=X9qDTJiVBsaRswbSrPjlCA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddorian%2Bbirds%2Bof%2Ba%2Bfeather%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26hs%3DMCK%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26biw%3D604%26bih%3D284%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=150&vpy=22&dur=2541&hovh=160&hovw=160&tx=88&ty=139&oei=X9qDTJiVBsaRswbSrPjlCA&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=8&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0) another. > > > > But the ‘buddy’ thing made me think Dorian was a man. > > > > Is Reyes a first name at all? I guess some people do go by their surnames. > > It’s the last name of Judy Reyes, who played Carla on Scrubs. Carla, you may recall, was best friends with Eliot Reid and once fantasized about making out with and marrying her, saying it would be easier than her actual marriage to Chris Turk; and Chris Turk of course was best friends with transparently in love with John Dorian, who had an off & on relationship with Eliot Reid. Ah, I get the name choices now (though not why you went with some first names and some surnames). Eliot, of course, is another name that most people would think of as male, not female. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/33 "2010-09-05T18:22:35Z")
I’ve been a fan of the idea of group marriages ever since I first read _The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress_. When Heinlein went further and laid it all out in _Friday_ in much the same scenario as you did, I became more than a fan. I have no problem with the concept, and would be happy to have made some new good friends, regardless of their personal relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/34 "2010-09-05T18:30:52Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#): > > Ah, I get the name choices now (though not why you went with some first names and some surnames). Probably because he didn’t want to make the Scrubs reference obvious by making the last one Turk. Anyway…yeah, I wouldn’t have a problem. Polyamory in any form probably isn’t for me, by experience (though, I suppose if I was involved with someone a little less callous on the matter of my feelings than my ex, it could work), but I see no reason to be bothered by someone else’s doing it. It works for them, that’s great. It doesn’t work for them, it’s no different than any other romantic arrangement not working - I might not remain friends with all of them if they split, depending on WHY they split and if I was friends with any of them simply because they were part of the group, just like if a couple I was friends with split. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/35 "2010-09-05T19:15:14Z")
I’d be fine with the dinner, and the socialising, but on the proviso that I don’t want to hear any more details about their love lives. I assume they’re all happy with the arrangement and having their emotional and physical needs met- I don’t need to know the details. In my experience, however, people in non traditional relationships just love to go on and on about how their arrangement makes them unique and special, but at the same time how everyone else could do it to if only they could open their minds. I won’t go on about how I make my marriage work, and you don’t either, and then nobody gets annoyed, offended, shocked or bored, ok? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/36 "2010-09-05T19:24:52Z")
I see we now have three votes for dialing back in one form or another. Do any of y’all wish to explain your reasons? > [@irishgirl](#): > > I’d be fine with the dinner, and the socialising, but on the proviso that I don’t want to hear any more details about their love lives. > I assume they’re all happy with the arrangement and having their emotional and physical needs met- I don’t need to know the details. > > In my experience, however, people in non traditional relationships just love to go on and on about how their arrangement makes them unique and special, but at the same time how everyone else could do it to if only they could open their minds. Is that really fair in this scenario, though? I mean, the only reason “you” (i.e., the hypothetical protagonist) knows about the arrangement is because “you” stuck “your” nose in it (out of friendship, but still). Dorian didn’t volunteer the information until it became necessary, and is clearly being discreet about it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/37 "2010-09-05T19:25:53Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > I’ve been a fan of the idea of group marriages ever since I first read _The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress_. When Heinlein went further and laid it all out in _Friday_ in much the same scenario as you did, I became more than a fan.\ Except the people in her first group marriage were massive dicks. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/38 "2010-09-05T19:37:00Z")
I’d be completely grossed out. Sorry if that offends anybody. I think they should legally be able to live however they want, but I wouldn’t want any part of it. It sounds delusional and immature to me. I prefer the company of adults. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/39 "2010-09-05T19:39:35Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Is that really fair in this scenario, though? I mean, the only reason “you” (i.e., the hypothetical protagonist) knows about the arrangement is because “you” stuck “your” nose in it (out of friendship, but still). Dorian didn’t volunteer the information until it became necessary, and is clearly being discreet about it. Is that really true, though? “You” in the scenario didn’t butt in until after “you” noticed two people in relationships with other people on a date. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/40 "2010-09-05T19:41:10Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I see we now have three votes for dialing back in one form or another. Do any of y’all wish to explain your reasons? > > > [@irishgirl](#): > > > > I’d be fine with the dinner, and the socialising, but on the proviso that I don’t want to hear any more details about their love lives. > > I assume they’re all happy with the arrangement and having their emotional and physical needs met- I don’t need to know the details. > > > > In my experience, however, people in non traditional relationships just love to go on and on about how their arrangement makes them unique and special, but at the same time how everyone else could do it to if only they could open their minds. > > Is that really fair in this scenario, though? I mean, the only reason “you” (i.e., the hypothetical protagonist) knows about the arrangement is because “you” stuck “your” nose in it (out of friendship, but still). Dorian didn’t volunteer the information until it became necessary, and is clearly being discreet about it. They weren’t being discreet about it in your scenario. The one dude’s wife was making out with the other dude right in front of the “you.” Incidentally, seeing grown aduts engage in PDA’s is a turn off all by itself, regardless of their relationship status. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684.md?page=3)