# Could you be friends with someone in a group marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 5, 2010, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684 "2010-09-05T14:44:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/41 "2010-09-05T19:45:01Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’d be completely grossed out. Sorry if that offends anybody. I think they should legally be able to live however they want, but I wouldn’t want any part of it. It sounds delusional and immature to me. I prefer the company of adults. Why do you judge it delusional and immature, **Dio**? That is, is your reaction purely visceral, or do you have a reasoned argument? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/42 "2010-09-05T19:53:57Z")
Yes, the reasoned argument is that human beings do not bond organically as sexual/romantic groups. They bond as pairs. That’s how we’re wired. These kind sof “swingers,” and the like do what they do because they are incapable of genuine intimacy with another person. “Group” scenarios and “polyamory” and the like are tactics for avoiding intimacy (or often in the case of women, just going along with it to please men). Your scenario is also awfully precious and clean – everybody loves each other and is faithful, there is no tension or cracks. Everybody is perfectly healthy and happy. Bullshit. That doesn’t happen in real life. ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/43 "2010-09-05T19:54:44Z")
In my head, once Dorian has let “me” into the loop, there is an inevitable overshare- due to being the only one at work who knows, and thus “work wife”, receptacle of confidences and shoulder to cry on. If that initial conversation with Dorian is the only time we discuss the ins and outs of their relationship, I’d be fine with it. I have friends who have a whole “with benefits” thing going on, but I’d rather not know the details, and so we don’t discuss that aspect of their relationship, and I don’t discuss my single friends’ casual pickups either. I just don’t care to. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/44 "2010-09-05T19:56:52Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > > [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > > > I’ve been a fan of the idea of group marriages ever since I first read _The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress_. When Heinlein went further and laid it all out in _Friday_ in much the same scenario as you did, I became more than a fan.\ > > Except the people in her first group marriage were massive dicks. Friday’s? Yes, although as I remember it, (i) the wheels only came off when she outed herself as an AP and (ii) there was one prime dick and the rest were just too used to falling in with her control-freakery. (Names escape me, I haven’t read the book since my copy succumbed to damp about 20 years ago.) ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/45 "2010-09-05T19:58:48Z")
Long as they’re not trying to pull me into the relationship I’m not fussed. I have too much other stuff going on in my life without worrying about which of the people I know is sleeping with which other ones. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/46 "2010-09-05T20:04:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I see we now have three votes for dialing back in one form or another. Do any of y’all wish to explain your reasons? > > > > Is that really fair in this scenario, though? I mean, the only reason “you” (i.e., the hypothetical protagonist) knows about the arrangement is because “you” stuck “your” nose in it (out of friendship, but still). Dorian didn’t volunteer the information until it became necessary, and is clearly being discreet about it. > > They weren’t being discreet about it in your scenario. The one dude’s wife was making out with the other dude right in front of the “you.” > > Incidentally, seeing grown aduts engage in PDA’s is a turn off all by itself, regardless of their relationship status. You don’t hold hands with your wife in public? Hug her? Hold her close while standing in line? Kiss her hello or good-bye? Anyway, the scenario is (intentionally) vague about what Chris & Reid were doing. ONe could easily assume that they were holding hands and perhaps hugging while in line, and kissing in the movie theater. Having not noticed “you” in behind them, they may have thought no one was around who knew them and they could relax. By the way, I’m not sure what you mean by “turn off” here. Do you mean that you find public displays of affection simply distasteful to observe, or that you disapprove of them ethically, or something else? > [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Is that really fair in this scenario, though? I mean, the only reason “you” (i.e., the hypothetical protagonist) knows about the arrangement is because “you” stuck “your” nose in it (out of friendship, but still). Dorian didn’t volunteer the information until it became necessary, and is clearly being discreet about it. > > Is that really true, though? “You” in the scenario didn’t butt in until after “you” noticed two people in relationships with other people on a date. I wrote that DORIAN was being discreet, not the other two. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/47 "2010-09-05T20:19:07Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Linty\_Fresh](#): > > > > Sure I would. I’m in Boston not Mayberry, and as long as everyone is following the rules to their own little game, I have no stake in it, moral or otherwise. Dorian seems like a cool guy, and anyway it seems like we’ve got a good working relationship, something I’ve learned to treasure. I’d socialize with the lot of them. > > Who says Dorian’s a guy? > > More importantly, would you answer change if you lived in a more conservative locale? Memphis, say, rather than Mayberry? Yes it would change. If I lived in a more conservative local, Memphis, say, I would be pretty much _guaranteed_ to seek out their company, because after having to hang around uptight smelly Memphis teabaggers (the non-gay, non-I-know-how-to-fucking-spell-shit-on-the-sign-I-wave-around-at-half-assed-demonstrations-looking-like-a-cracked-out-version-of-that-John-3:16-guy-at-football-games-with-meth-mouth variety of teabagging), I would be so sick of their bible belt bullshit that I would be desperately seeking out free-thinkers that did not want me to hire Chuck Norris to kick their testicles into their mouth (or, if money were tight, hire [Jean-Claude van Damme to dance for them](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WrNErNxX1M&feature=player_embedded), until they actually inhale a testicle–their own–from laughing and shrieking in terror at the same time.) > [@](#): > > I don’t have any fucking cake. I have never baked any pastry that possessed motility, much less genitalia, and (Athena willing) I never shall. Dude, get with the times. It doesn’t have to move. It doesn’t have to do anything. If you stick your dick in it, it’s a fucking cake. Errr . . . perhaps I’ve said too much. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/48 "2010-09-05T20:21:50Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I wrote that DORIAN was being discreet, not the other two. 😃 OK, fair enough. I didn’t vote because I was still thinking about it but now that I’ve had some time, I think I’d continue to be their friends. It might weird me out at first but as long as they were nice people otherwise, I think I’d recognize that maybe I just had some hang ups or prejudices. It’s not something I myself would ever choose but that doesn’t mean they still can’t be good people. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/49 "2010-09-05T20:32:07Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > They weren’t being discreet about it in your scenario. The one dude’s wife was making out with the other dude right in front of the “you.” > > > > Incidentally, seeing grown aduts engage in PDA’s is a turn off all by itself, regardless of their relationship status. > > You don’t hold hands with your wife in public? Hug her? Hold her close while standing in line? Kiss her hello or good-bye? Hold hands or put an arm around her, yes. Make out, no. > [@](#): > > Anyway, the scenario is (intentionally) vague about what Chris & Reid were doing. ONe could easily assume that they were holding hands and perhaps hugging while in line, and kissing in the movie theater. Having not noticed “you” in behind them, they may have thought no one was around who knew them and they could relax. You said “snuggling and kissing” in your OP. That’s not discreet. > [@](#): > > By the way, I’m not sure what you mean by “turn off” here. Do you mean that you find public displays of affection simply distasteful to observe, or that you disapprove of them ethically, or something else? Distasteful, obnoxious, self-absorbed (and I’m talking about stuff like necking and petting, not just holding hands or snuggling. I’m talking about the “get a room” stuff). > [@](#): > > I wrote that DORIAN was being discreet, not the other two. 😃 This is a distinction without a real difference, especially since he can see it yet does not comment on it. There’s an exhibitionist quality to that. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/50 "2010-09-05T20:35:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@moi](#): > > > > I wrote that DORIAN was being discreet, not the other two. 😃 > > This is a distinction without a real difference, especially since he can see it yet does not comment on it. There’s an exhibitionist quality to that. Of course there’s a real difference. Do you expect Dorian to control what the other two do? If so, how? Besides, it was a joke. Hence the smilie. ETA: Also, “snuggling” could easily mean raising the seat rest so that the larger person can more comfortably place his or her arm around the smaller person, who in turn places his or her head on the other’s chest. Likewise, “kissing” only implies lip to lip contact, not full on making out. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/51 "2010-09-05T20:38:56Z")
Dorian can explain it right away, since he would have to expect that “you” is discomfitted by it. Watching and saying nothing is a kind of passive-aggressive exhibitionism. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/52 "2010-09-05T20:40:34Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Dorian can explain it right away, since he would have to expect that “you” is discomfitted by it. Watching and saying nothing is a kind of passive-aggressive exhibitionism. What the hell are you talking about? Dorian isn’t present when the hypothetical protagonist sees Chris and Reid. If Dorian HAD been present, the HP wouldn’t have had any reason to say, “Hey, your spouse and best friend are making a fool out of you!” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/53 "2010-09-05T20:47:39Z")
My bad. For some reason I had it in my head that Dorian was standing with “you” in the line for the movie. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/54 "2010-09-05T20:51:57Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > My bad. For some reason I had it in my head that Dorian was standing with “you” in the line for the movie. Okay. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of far more egregious misreadings. Thank Hera I’m pretty. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/55 "2010-09-05T21:32:30Z")
> [@Tengu](#): > > > [@scifisam2009](#): > > > > Ah, I get the name choices now (though not why you went with some first names and some surnames). > > Probably because he didn’t want to make the Scrubs reference obvious by making the last one Turk. So why not all first names? (I’m just curious). > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > My bad. For some reason I had it in my head that Dorian was standing with “you” in the line for the movie. > > Okay. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of far more egregious misreadings. Thank Hera I’m pretty. I misread it that way at first too, because ‘you’ can mean ‘you and Dorian’ or just you yourself, and in the sentences prior to ones about the cinema, you were talking about you and Dorian. Anyway, if someone states that the \*only[//i] possible bond is between two people, and it’s juvenile to act otherwise - oh, and there’s no chance of it working out - then the people in a loving poly relationship are unlikely to want to be friends with them. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/56 "2010-09-05T22:33:27Z")
Well, I’m in the majority on this one. Why would their romantic relationships have anything to do with me? If I enjoyed their company before, what would change that? And by the way, I’d ask whether I can bring my Partner. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2010, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/57 "2010-09-05T22:50:54Z")
You had me at “you like them as much as you like Dorian”. Once that is established, what else is there to consider ? I don’t think I could ever be in something like that myself because I’m petty and insecure and jealous and generally unpleasant, but if it works for them, why the hell should I care ? It would only be a problem if one of the four was just this massive, annoying douche the sight of which I couldn’t fucking stand. Because then I’d miss out on enjoying the company of three good people just because of that asshole. And the three good people would resent me for talking shit about and not liking that rat bastard they all love, and we’d have Words and even the business partnership would turn to shit. And it would all be that one fuckstick’s fault. I hate that guy, fuck him or her and anybody looks like him or her. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/58 "2010-09-06T02:15:47Z")
Yeah! ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/59 "2010-09-06T03:01:37Z")
It seems to this point I’ve been friends, to some degree, with all four of them already. I don’t see any reason why that would change just because all four of them are in a relationship together. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2010, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684/60 "2010-09-06T03:48:09Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I see we now have three votes for dialing back in one form or another. Do any of y’all wish to explain your reasons? Adults can do whatever they want with other consenting adults. But I don’t have to be there with them. People who have this kind of relationship are too different from me to have more than a polite working relationship with me. I don’t plan to comment further. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-friends-with-someone-in-a-group-marriage/552684.md?page=4)