# Could you be romantically involved with someone who'd been the Other Person multiple times... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 30, 2011, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777 "2011-05-30T18:30:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/1 "2011-05-30T18:30:33Z")
but never cheated on a partner himself or herself? For purposes of this discussion, consider that _romantically involved_ means at least dating exclusively; one night stands don’t count, nor does fuck-buddyhood or platonic friendship. _Other Person_ means someone with whom a supposedly-monogamous person cheated on his or her partner with; it doesn’t matter if the supposedly-monogamous person was legally married or not, gay or straight. With those parameters in mind: Suppose you met someone who was highly attracted and attractive to you. Early in your dating history, this person tells you that his or her last several relationships have been as described above. Perhaps your potential partner knew from the beginning that he or she was abetting a cheater; perhaps not. Would this knowledge make you less likely to enter an exclusive relationship with him or her? Why or why not? ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/2 "2011-05-30T18:32:11Z")
NO ---
**Author:** ![YaraMateo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/58f4c7/32.png) [@YaraMateo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaraMateo)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/3 "2011-05-30T18:40:54Z")
Seems I’m the first person to vote. No, this person has low moral character. (I know I’m not a saint.) I also have to wonder what type of issue a person must have to only be in these type of relationships. I think those issues would be bigger than dating people who they know are invovled. Lastly, I’d seriously wonder if this person has any type of stds. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/4 "2011-05-30T18:45:17Z")
Hells, no. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/5 "2011-05-30T18:56:25Z")
My longest relationship was with a married man. That being said, I don’t have a _history_ of it. My aversion to relationships is probably similar to that of one who likes being the Other Person, but I would definitely wonder he/she had a penchant for being an asshole. :dubious: I don’t understand why people disclose certain things to potential new mates. I don’t lie, but I don’t treat new men like they’re my diary. Sheesh. Any person who discloses that info to me must a.) really like me or b.) is an idiot or c.) is hoping I understand he has a history non-commitment, so can get away with it easier. ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/6 "2011-05-30T19:13:30Z")
Before I met him my husband was the “other man” in two separate relationships. He had a friend that was a fuck buddy. They were casually sleeping together for a while, until she started to date this guy. They were still friends at that point, but didn’t sleep together. A little while passed until she climbed into his bed. Literally. His explanation to me was that her boyfriend was very inexperienced and not willing to try things like oral. She could only cum orally and was an extremely sexual person. There were no feelings involved, but she apparently needed to get her rocks off occasionally. The other time was worse. He was touring with a company for weeks on end. The way the hotel room division worked was that he was generally sharing a room (separate beds) with this one particular woman. At the time he was in his early twenties and inexperienced with woman. She was in her thirties and married. Things were great and plutonic for the first while and then as they got to know each other more she asked him to kiss her. Things kind of progressed from there. The crazy part was that once that tour was over everybody went home and she told her husband what happened. He was not pleased but forgave her and asked her not to put herself in that position again. But she ignored that request and with the knowledge and disapproval of her husband the exact same thing happened at least twice more. I suspect that she was my husbands first love, and to hear him explain it, there were intense feelings between the two of them and you can’t help who you fall for. While I understand that people can love more than one person, if a person makes a commitment to another than they need to be open and honest with them. I told him early on in our relationship that I was appalled by his and the women’s behavior, and that I would not put up with cheating. I don’t care how deep your feelings toward a person are, you made a commitment and you need to make a choice. I do trust him completely, and don’t worry about him cheating on me. He is a homebody and doesn’t like to go out socially. He basically goes to work, and wherever I drag him too. Also we work in the same tight knit industry and I know all his coworkers quite well. ---
**Author:** ![YaraMateo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/58f4c7/32.png) [@YaraMateo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaraMateo)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/7 "2011-05-30T21:13:58Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > My longest relationship was with a married man. That being said, I don’t have a _history_ of it. > > My aversion to relationships is probably similar to that of one who likes being the Other Person, but I would definitely wonder he/she had a penchant for being an asshole. :dubious: > > I don’t understand why people disclose certain things to potential new mates. I don’t lie, but I don’t treat new men like they’re my diary. Sheesh. Any person who discloses that info to me must a.) really like me or b.) is an idiot or c.) is hoping I\*\* understand he has a history non-commitment, so can get away with it easier\*\*. To the bolded, I was thinking this, too. I think men of this nature. Serial daters and cheaters who tell someone this tend to be doing it as a warning. So, when you catch them they can say “Well, you knew X when we first hooked up”. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/8 "2011-05-30T21:17:58Z")
You just described my husband. We’re celebrating our 20th anniversay this month and as far as I know, he has never gone back to his caddish days. Or he is being extraordinarily discreet, which is just as good. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/9 "2011-05-30T21:26:37Z")
> [@Mrs.Cake](#): > > You just described my husband. We’re celebrating our 20th anniversay this month and as far as I know, he has never gone back to his caddish days. Or he is being extraordinarily discreet, which is just as good. Wait, what? I parse that last sentence as meaning, “I don’t care if my husband’s a cad as long as he is so discreet about it that no one ever knows and I am never inconvenienced or embarrassed by it.” Is that what you meant? ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/10 "2011-05-30T21:29:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I parse that last sentence as meaning, “I don’t care if my husband’s a cad as long as he is so discreet about it that no one ever knows and I am never inconvenienced or embarrassed by it.” Is that what you meant? It’s hard for me to read it any other way. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/11 "2011-05-30T21:46:35Z")
I should add that I have mentioned my views on the sleaziness of cheating on an unknowing husband or wife several times here on SDMB, (the warnings I have received here on the Dope have all been because I told someone who insisted on boasting about having an affair with a married man or woman what an immoral piece of shit I thought that they were, for both the cheating and the bragging about it, not that they could care less what I think) but if a spouse wants to go ahead and willingly turn a blind eye to their partner’s infidelity, I can’t help but feel that it must be for a reason, and certainly none of my business. If Mrs. Cake doesn’t mind her husband getting some action on the side, as long as he is discreet, why should anyone else care? (with the possible exception of the “other woman” Mr. Cake is involved with getting hurt, which would change things) ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/12 "2011-05-30T21:59:23Z")
> [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](#): > > I should add that I have mentioned my views on the sleaziness of cheating on an unknowing husband or wife several times here on SDMB, (the warnings I have received here on the Dope have all been because I told someone who insisted on boasting about having an affair with a married man or woman what an immoral piece of shit I thought that they were, for both the cheating and the bragging about it, not that they could care less what I think) but if a spouse wants to go ahead and willingly turn a blind eye to their partner’s infidelity, I can’t help but feel that it must be for a reason, and certainly none of my business. > > If Mrs. Cake doesn’t mind her husband getting some action on the side, as long as he is discreet, why should anyone else care? (with the possible exception of the “other woman” Mr. Cake is involved with getting hurt, which would change things) I’m not convinced that is what **Mrs. Cake** meant. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/13 "2011-05-30T22:00:44Z")
No. Just like a dog that steals food off the counter, they will never be anything else. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/14 "2011-05-30T22:03:30Z")
> [@An\_Arky](#): > > No. Just like a dog that steals food off the counter, they will never be anything else. It’s my own fault for not including an _It depends on the circumstances_ option, but do you make no allowance for the possibility that the person has changed? Humans are not dogs, after all. And the person has not cheaed on his or her own partners anyway. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/15 "2011-05-30T22:09:38Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I’m not convinced that is what **Mrs. Cake** meant. I didn’t mean only Mrs. Cake specifically; it would apply to anyone in that same situation. (I do think that is what she meant, but if I misread her intent, I certainly apologize to her and Mr. Cake both) ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/16 "2011-05-30T23:09:52Z")
Yeah, no problems with it. Voted wouldn’t want to marry or cohabit, but that’s because I don’t want to marry or cohabit at all. It would probably be exclusive on my part because in general I don’t sleep around, even if my partner’s fine with the idea. In the circumstances described it my well not be exclusive on their part. I didn’t vote on the moral issue, because for me it depends entirely on whether they knew the partners of the people they were with. Sleeping with the partner of a stranger - morally neutral, sleeping with the partner of a friend against their wishes - morally bad. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/17 "2011-05-30T23:19:17Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > Yeah, no problems with it. Voted wouldn’t want to marry or cohabit, but that’s because I don’t want to marry or cohabit at all. It would probably be exclusive on my part because in general I don’t sleep around, even if my partner’s fine with the idea. In the circumstances described it my well not be exclusive on their part. > > I didn’t vote on the moral issue, because for me it depends entirely on whether they knew the partners of the people they were with. **Sleeping with the partner of a stranger - morally neutral, sleeping with the partner of a friend against their wishes - morally bad.** I don’t understand the reasoning of the passage I bolded. Can you expand? ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/18 "2011-05-30T23:31:14Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t understand the reasoning of the passage I bolded. Can you expand? As a general rule, I consider the moral fault in cheating to lie solely with the cheater, not with the third party. If the third party is is a friend of the person being cheated upon, it’s a betrayal of the friendship to sleep with their partner. The part about “against their wishes” in my first post was to make it clear that I’m not talk about situations where everyone involved knows about it and is cool with it, that’s also morally neutral in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2011, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/19 "2011-05-30T23:52:12Z")
I’m not generally a superstitious person, but that person’s got to have terrible karma. Hang out with them and you’re liable to get hit by a truck together or something. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/20 "2011-05-31T00:12:50Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > Things were great and plutonic for the first while This is the part I don’t understand. “Plutonic” in the sense of “mythological ruler of the underworld” or in the “Disney dog” sense? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777.md?page=2)