# Could you be romantically involved with someone who'd been the Other Person multiple times... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 30, 2011, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777 "2011-05-30T18:30:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/21 "2011-05-31T00:37:27Z")
I wouldn’t date someone like that because we would have no future together. I wouldn’t say he was a bad or immoral person, but we obviously have different views of what monogamy means and how important it is. I don’t let the person who knowingly gets involved with a non-single person off the hook, either. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/22 "2011-05-31T02:53:30Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > This is the part I don’t understand. “Plutonic” in the sense of “mythological ruler of the underworld” or in the “Disney dog” sense? Plutonic in the sense of what Doc’s Delorean ran on before he engineered it to run on garbage! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/23 "2011-05-31T08:20:29Z")
Fuck morality, I’ve known people who were “the other one” and those who knowingly stayed in that situation generally had the self-esteem of wet pavement; they stayed because they were convinced they “couldn’t do better”. The “marriage-breakers” are a different thing: they never become “the other one”, all they want is to have a one-night stand and crow about it. I don’t think I’d be able to have a relationship with someone whose self-esteem was that low. If they’d grown a spine between the last one and mine that would be a different animal, but it just seems unlikely for someone who hasn’t grown one several times going. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/24 "2011-05-31T09:44:07Z")
I’m not sure about the top part yet, but the morality I think is clear. It’s still bad, but not as bad as cheating. For one thing, they may have convinced you that they are breaking up with the other person. Sure, that can be stupid to believe, but it’s not wrong. Another is that the relationship could have started without you knowing what was going on. While not breaking it off is wrong, it’s understandable. It’s also how the previous point can become so convincing. But even that is situational: the guy who slips up once is not too bad, while the guy who actually pursues only married partners is much worse. Merely having been the other person though is not as bad, though. I think the top part depends on whether I can reasonably be sure she did it out of stupidity, loneliness, etc, and that, once in a real relationship, it won’t happen again. I would not do it for moral reasons. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/25 "2011-05-31T12:09:31Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > And the person has not cheaed on his or her own partners anyway. To continue the analogy, that’s rather like defending a counter-surfing dog with “Well, he’s never taken food off an actual plate!” Just because stealing food from a plate is more egregious than stealing it off the counter, that doesn’t make the counter-surfing any less unacceptable. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/26 "2011-05-31T13:03:24Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > It’s my own fault for not including an _It depends on the circumstances_ option, but do you make no allowance for the possibility that the person has changed? Humans are not dogs, after all. And the person has not cheaed on his or her own partners anyway. You said in the OP title _multiple times_. That’s damaged goods, and I’m not the Dog Whisperer. And humans are worse, because they rationalize more. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/27 "2011-05-31T15:14:04Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > It’s my own fault for not including an _It depends on the circumstances_ option, but do you make no allowance for the possibility that the person has changed? Humans are not dogs, after all. And the person has not cheaed on his or her own partners anyway. I actually think it’s MUCH EASIER to train a dog not to steal food off the counter! ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/28 "2011-05-31T15:16:29Z")
I answered that I wouldn’t get involved at all, but that’s easy to say in a hypothetical from the comfort of my marriage. Never say never, and all that. It is the closest answer, but if I were lonely or desperate, who knows? I don’t see the upside to dating someone who has often been the Other Person. They must be getting something out of it, or why do it? Do they like being involved in harm to other relationships? If so, they’re a douche. Do they not want to have to put more time in a relationship with someone who’s not juggling partners? If so, it seems like they’d have trouble with the kind of relationship in which I’d be interested. Do they have low self-esteem? I don’t really want to spend all my time propping someone up. Do they like the excitement? I don’t like that kind of excitement. Unless I’m missing some positive attribute that would draw a guy to that situation, I don’t see a reason to waste my time when there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Oh, I also answered that it’s not as bad as cheating, but still bad. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/29 "2011-05-31T16:07:22Z")
twenty years ago? Maybe. In their recent history? never. Like An Arky says, I am not here to fix people. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/30 "2011-05-31T16:12:41Z")
I can’t answer without more information about her breasteses. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/31 "2011-05-31T16:34:05Z")
Depends on whether the cheating is of the drunken one nighter variety or of the series of long term affairs variety. I can’t judge anybody for the former - I’ve been there myself on more than one occasion. When I’ve been single, I seem to be especially attractive to tipsy chicks in bad relationships. I’m not proud of it and I don’t intend to ever go back down that road. The long-term Other Woman scenario speaks to a distinct lack of self-esteem, though. I don’t know if I could be involved with somebody who got in to that situation repeatedly. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/32 "2011-05-31T17:14:34Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > This is the part I don’t understand. “Plutonic” in the sense of “mythological ruler of the underworld” or in the “Disney dog” sense? Are you new to typos? That was obviously meant to be _platonic_. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/33 "2011-05-31T17:25:43Z")
I would not have a relationship with such a person under any circumstances. (First box ticked.) I think this person’s behavior is morally _about as bad_ as the cheater’s, but not identical. (No box ticked.) ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/34 "2011-05-31T17:33:58Z")
That’s a choice they make. My choice is to not want to be in a serious relationship with them. FWB? Different story. But I have a hard enough time trusting people as it is. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/35 "2011-05-31T17:52:26Z")
No interest at all. A person who does not respect other people’s relationships will not respect their own. If its not as bad as cheating, it’s close. I would make exceptions for people who become the “other person” unknowingly, althought if it was a pattern, I’d have to wonder how unknowing they really were. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/36 "2011-05-31T17:54:53Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No interest at all. A person who does not respect other people’s relationships will not respect their own. I’m not convinced that follows. A woma can be a thief without wanting herown property stolen; a man can be willing to beat up strangers but not his wife. Et cetera. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/37 "2011-05-31T18:06:27Z")
I answered “no way no how”, but with the understanding that she didn’t know the guy was a cheat. If he kept his marriage secret from her, then she’s just as much a victim as the wife. On the moral culpability point, I don’t think the “other woman/man” is as morally culpable as the married person, but that’s largely because there often seems to be an element of self-delusion to it. “Oh, he really loves me, not her… He’s going to marry me and we’ll live happily ever after as soon as the divorce goes through”. The Other Person is lying only to one person (albeit lying to oneself is probably the worst kind), but the married person is lying to _everyone_, probably including themself. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/38 "2011-05-31T18:11:17Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > I answered “no way no how”, but with the understanding that she didn’t know the guy was a cheat. If he kept his marriage secret from her, then she’s just as much a victim as the wife. > > On the moral culpability point, I don’t think the “other woman/man” is as morally culpable as the married person, but that’s largely because there often seems to be an element of self-delusion to it. “Oh, he really loves me, not her… He’s going to marry me and we’ll live happily ever after as soon as the divorce goes through”. The Other Person is lying only to one person (albeit lying to oneself is probably the worst kind), but the married person is lying to _everyone_, probably including themself. I also worry about someone’s need or willigness to be “the dirty secret” or “misunderstood bad guy.” I’ve only been “the other woman” one time - and then it was a flirtation and I had no idea he was with someone else (we lived in different cities). I ended it as soon as I found out. Any other married men I have been with have either been married to me or legally separated and already moved out and moved on. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/39 "2011-05-31T18:14:37Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > I answered “no way no how”, but with the understanding that she didn’t know the guy was a cheat. If he kept his marriage secret from her, then she’s just as much a victim as the wife. > > On the moral culpability point, I don’t think the “other woman/man” is as morally culpable as the married person, but that’s largely because there often seems to be an element of self-delusion to it. “Oh, he really loves me, not her… He’s going to marry me and we’ll live happily ever after as soon as the divorce goes through”. The Other Person is lying only to one person (albeit lying to oneself is probably the worst kind), but the married person is lying to _everyone_, probably including themself. I won’t speak to the motivations of others, but when I was in my twenties and sleeping with married women, I was never lying to myself about my motivations. I’d seek out married women because I didn’t want any sort of commitment, and they were best for that. ETA: And before anyone excoriates me, no, I wouldn’t do that now, and yes, I realize it was immoral. ---
**Author:** ![Dahnlor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dahnlor/32/533_2.png) [@Dahnlor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dahnlor)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/40 "2011-05-31T19:35:27Z")
The question is made to be unclear as to whether the “other person” was aware that the person they became involved with is cheating. Did they find out that they were cheating before or after they became involved? Did they continue the relationship after finding out? Does this person express any remorse over being in that relationship? The OP leaves every one of these possibilities open. I could answer any of the poll options depending upon these details. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777.md?page=3)