# Could you be romantically involved with someone who'd been the Other Person multiple times... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 30, 2011, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777 "2011-05-30T18:30:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/41 "2011-05-31T20:04:01Z")
The OP does specify that the person’s _last several_ relationships have fit this pattern. It’s hard to imagine that happening if it wasn’t knowing and at least partly deliberate–most likely a _strategy_, as **Skald** admits. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/42 "2011-05-31T20:14:50Z")
I just don’t see how it’s my responsibility to see that someone else doesn’t cheat. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2011, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/43 "2011-05-31T20:19:13Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > I just don’t see how it’s my responsibility to see that someone else doesn’t cheat. Are you saying that you’re okay with \*dating \*someone who’s behaved as described in the OP, or that you’re okay with _being_ someone who acts that way? ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/44 "2011-06-01T01:45:22Z")
I’m not seeing a problem here. I guess I must lack the relevant equestrian skills. If I really clicked with someone, especially someone who’d never cheated on a partner, what difference could it make to me what had gone down in the past before I hooked up with them? Would it even be any of my business to go there? ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/45 "2011-06-01T01:59:53Z")
What difference could it make? It’s part of who they are as a person. Or were–but it’s usually best to assume that people haven’t changed until there’s evidence they have. “Equestrian”? ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/46 "2011-06-01T06:33:56Z")
I voted “Wait a minute” because it depends (to me) on whether this person always knew the other party in the relationships (the cheat-ees, IYW) well or not. Someone who was a serial mistress, that’s OK by me. All the blame falls on the cheater, IMO. Someone who slept with her friends’ husbands? Not Cool. ---
**Author:** ![shantih](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@shantih](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shantih)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/47 "2011-06-01T12:38:35Z")
Absolutely not, never, no way, no how. I could never commit to someone whom I couldn’t fully trust. Anyone who could get involved with someone in a monogamous relationship with someone else is not a person I could trust. If this happened once and it was a question of him breaking up with her as soon as he realized she was, as previously unknown to him, together with someone already, fine, but the OP makes clear that this has happened a number of times, so he must have chosen to be involved with women who he oughtn’t to have been. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/48 "2011-06-01T15:31:26Z")
I went with the “I could marry/cohabit” option only because there was no “It depends” option. I don’t think I’d be LIKELY to get involved with that person because I think being the Other Person is fairly low on the scale of morality (and I was once that person for the period of about a week, so I’m not pointing fingers). But I also think it’s impossible for me to say that I’d never ever get involved with someone, no matter what the circumstances, no matter if they’d changed as a person, no exceptions, no way, no how. And if I’m willing to look beyond their past (or see them as a different person now) to the extent that I’m willing to date them and/or sleep with them, then I have to imagine that I’d be willing to marry the person at some point. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/49 "2011-06-01T17:39:17Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > “Equestrian”? Oblique reference to the riding of equines at elevated altitudes, as a metaphor for a certain style of discourse. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/50 "2011-06-01T17:54:14Z")
> [@Johanna](#): > > Oblique reference to the riding of equines at elevated altitudes, as a metaphor for a certain style of discourse. Okay, I still don’t get it. More details, please. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/51 "2011-06-01T17:58:56Z")
I have been and could again. I tend to see being “the other person” as kinda shady but morally neutral depending on circumstance. If the single person is making the advances, on the married one, I tend to see as more inappropriate than if the married pursues the single. If a single person is sleeping with a married person and the married person initiated the relationship, the single person is not breaking any promises to the married persons spouse. If they are not looking for committment they are not really doing anything different than picking someone up from a bar. The responsibility to say no I feel falls primarily on the person involved in a committed relationship. A single person targeting someone who is married is IMHO alot less cool, but still the primary responsibility here falls on the married person to say no. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/52 "2011-06-01T18:11:14Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > And the person has not cheaed on his or her own partners anyway. This being the key point for me. If an individual has never cheated on a partner, that’s what matters to me vis-à-vis becoming their partner. I just don’t see the other stuff as all that significant. That doesn’t mean I think it’s A-OK. I also rated it “bad, but not as bad as cheating.” Where I differ is that I’m willing to let it slide because I just don’t give it that much weight, as far as my own interests are concerned. > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Okay, I still don’t get it. More details, please. The concept of “high horse” meaning to hold oneself morally superior. An attitude that may be even more offensive to me, personally, than someone’s having formerly been the “other” person. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/53 "2011-06-01T18:24:43Z")
Well, that would hardly be fair, would it? I have been before, myself. I grew up and out of it, no reason not to think that my partner couldn’t do so. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/54 "2011-06-01T20:41:20Z")
My votes: **"I could marry and/or cohabit with this person."** I know I am not my wife’s first sexual partner, and I don’t care. I know I’m her last. If any of her previous partners had been married, it wouldn’t be a huge deal, as I was certain she was done sleeping with _anybody_ else before we got married. But… **"I think this person’s behavior is bad, but not as bad as cheating."** Being the Other Person is not exactly morally neutral. You’re aiding and abetting another’s unethical behavior. It’s not nearly as bad as cheating, though. A single person has made no promises to be faithful, and (speaking only for myself, I guess) can have more of an “any port in a storm” mentality. When I was single, I came _thisclose_ to having sex with a married acquaintance one drunken night. I admit I felt a bit weird about it, but I rationalized that I didn’t know anything about her husband or the state of her marriage, and figured there must be a reason she’s making this choice. I definitely would have gone through with it, but she put on the brakes at the last minute. Had we done it, though, I’d still be the same person – one who’s never cheated on an SO. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2011, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/55 "2011-06-01T22:14:43Z")
n/m ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2011, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/56 "2011-06-02T00:23:09Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Are you saying that you’re okay with \*dating \*someone who’s behaved as described in the OP, or that you’re okay with _being_ someone who acts that way? As someone who had a year long affair with a married man (and no, I wasn’t friends with his wife), I feel bad in way, but not as bad as I’d feel if I’d cheated on a boyfriend. Honestly, if someone told me they’d been with a married woman before, I’d think, “So?” If it happens a lot then I think he just has commitment issues and I’m not interested…but I’d rather date someone who had an affair or a fling or even cheated than, say, a guy who lives with his mom and is 33 or someone who was a recovering coke addict or whatever. There are certain things that are off-limits, like Evangelical Christians and pedophiles, but not this. Life is spicy. As long as your head is on straight and I like you, who gives a fuck? ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2011, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/57 "2011-06-02T00:27:50Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > But… **“I think this person’s behavior is bad, but not as bad as cheating.”** > Being the Other Person is not exactly morally neutral. You’re aiding and abetting another’s unethical behavior. But you’re not breaking the law. And how is it different than buying sweatshop-made jeans at the Gap or eating at your favorite restaurant that underpays its undocumented immigrants? What if you vote for a candidate who has a bad position on something but you don’t want to vote for the other guy? Or if you drive a gas guzzler, or don’t tell a friend she’s getting really freaking fat, or whatever? There are 10,000 things you can do that are ‘shady by proxy’, and I think when it comes to love and relationships, it gets awfully hard to be judgy. Don’t all the good romance movies have affairs in them? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2011, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/58 "2011-06-02T00:56:48Z")
> [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](#): > > This is the part I don’t understand. “Plutonic” in the sense of “mythological ruler of the underworld” or in the “Disney dog” sense? > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Are you new to typos? That was obviously meant to be _platonic_. :o --===oo8888 Wooooossshhh! ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2011, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/59 "2011-06-02T00:58:04Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > Life is spicy. As long as your head is on straight and I like you, who gives a fuck? QFT ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2011, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777/60 "2011-06-02T12:41:55Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > But you’re not breaking the law. And how is it different than buying sweatshop-made jeans at the Gap or eating at your favorite restaurant that underpays its undocumented immigrants? What if you vote for a candidate who has a bad position on something but you don’t want to vote for the other guy? Or if you drive a gas guzzler, or don’t tell a friend she’s getting really freaking fat, or whatever? There are 10,000 things you can do that are ‘shady by proxy’, and I think when it comes to love and relationships, it gets awfully hard to be judgy. Eh, I don’t think it’s all that judgy to think it’s wrong to cheat on your spouse. And if I’m the one you’re cheating _with_, I’m directly helping you do something I think is wrong. No, it’s not a crime, it’s not the end of the world, and it is forgiveable – and yes, I was ready and willing to go there myself years ago. I don’t think I’m on a high horse here, just pointing out that such behavior strays a bit south of the “morally neutral” line. That doesn’t make somebody a horrible person; we’ve all visited that side of the line for one reason or another, I’m sure. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-be-romantically-involved-with-someone-whod-been-the-other-person-multiple-times/583777.md?page=4)