# Could you knock out an enraged chimp?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830
**Category:** Factual Questions
**Created:** [July 7, 2010, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830 "2010-07-07T08:20:07Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 8
### Author:  [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/141 "2010-07-12T17:36:37Z")
It seems painfully obvious that a gogoplatta is the only appropriate technique.
[![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AdXd2USw7E)
It’s amazingly simple to execute and there’s no way the chimp could bite you or anything while you’re setting it up.
ETA: Am I the only who is astonded by the fact that everyone is giving Magiver such a hard time, even though almost 90% of all MMA fights are won with the Double Whopper Noodle Squish?
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### Author:  [@EVIL\_COW\_PIE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EVIL_COW_PIE)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/142 "2010-07-12T17:53:26Z")
> [@Magiver](#):
>
> I’ve put people in the hospital so you’re lecturing the wrong person on what can and cannot be done with martial arts. The 3 stooges reference is not an argument and is as childish as the videos you listed.
I reference the 3 Stooges because that is the only time I’ve seen it used. Would you kindly point me to a video, study or article that shows the effectiveness of a two handed simul-strike.
> [@](#):
>
> You’ve provided nothing in the way of dialog regarding the transmission or dissipation of the energy from the impact to the head.
I’m guessing this is your sticking point. You are trying to prove it works on paper, when the rest of us know it doesn’t in real life. We have thousands of examples of a single punch knocking people out on YouTube and exactly zero examples of a double hand punch knocking anyone out. You claimed up thread that the Double Moe would work because it’s the power of a punch X 2. The problem is the biomechanics of trying pull off this maneuver prevents you from putting anywhere near the power into either hand that a conventional punch does. The heavy bag suggestion above should put this to rest.
> [@](#):
>
> Did you watch the video of the brick being struck? Replace the brick with someone’s head and the damage to the brain is going to be substantial.
Exactly, because he uses his entire body to generate that power. Now replace the single hand strike with a double simul-strike and you will reduce the effectiveness of the blow by several orders of magnitude. And the brick won’t break because the hands absorb the dissipation of the energy from the impact, not the brick.
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### Author:  [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/143 "2010-07-12T18:00:11Z")
What would a chimp do if, upon encountering said enraged chimp, you instantly fell over and tucked yourself into a ball?
Also, let’s suppose that you got a chimp some boxing gloves, some shoes, and a mouth guard (filled with glue, I suppose, to keep it in).
What are the odds like now?
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### Author:  [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/144 "2010-07-12T18:02:18Z")
> [@Meatros](#):
>
> What would a chimp do if, upon encountering said enraged chimp, you instantly fell over and tucked yourself into a ball?
>
> Also, let’s suppose that you got a chimp some boxing gloves, some shoes, and a mouth guard (filled with glue, I suppose, to keep it in).
>
> What are the odds like now?
1 vote for “not good”
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### Author:  [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/145 "2010-07-12T18:06:29Z")
> [@Darth\_Panda](#):
>
> 1 vote for “not good”
Why though?
I’m not an expert on chimp combat tactics or anything, but up thread there seemed to be some consensus on the idea that while Chimps can rend and bite their way through a car (or almost… 😉 ) they aren’t all that good at throwing.
Throwing, being similar in my (largely ignorant of fight mechanics) mind to punching…
I’m guessing that if a chimp was able to get on top of you the ground and pound would be absolutely destructive though…
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### Author:  [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/146 "2010-07-12T18:12:03Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Why though?
Well, I’d think that they’d still be able to pull your hands and/or feet out against your weaker muscle strength and bit off fingers and toes (as in the cites). He could probably pull up your head and take bites out of your face. Even if you don’t uncurl he could nibble your ears off. And, if he decides to bite down on your neck and severs your jugular, that’s all for you.
Probably not a good idea.
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### Author:  [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/147 "2010-07-12T18:12:33Z")
Quote:
> [@](#):
>
> Why though?
Basic reasoning is that they are way the crap stronger than us. Same reason that a full grown man could beat the tar out of a little boy, gloves or no.
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### Author:  [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/148 "2010-07-12T18:15:40Z")
> [@Meatros](#):
>
> Why though?
>
> I’m not an expert on chimp combat tactics or anything, but up thread there seemed to be some consensus on the idea that while Chimps can rend and bite their way through a car (or almost… 😉 ) they aren’t all that good at throwing.
>
> Throwing, being similar in my (largely ignorant of fight mechanics) mind to punching…
>
> I’m guessing that if a chimp was able to get on top of you the ground and pound would be absolutely destructive though…
I doubt it. Their muscles are meant for ‘pulling’ not ‘pushing’. With gloves and their biting removed, I’d bet the odds even out a lot.
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### Author:  [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/149 "2010-07-12T18:17:21Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#):
>
> Well, I’d think that they’d still be able to pull your hands and/or feet out against your weaker muscle strength and bit off fingers and toes (as in the cites). He could probably pull up your head and take bites out of your face. Even if you don’t uncurl he could nibble your ears off. And, if he decides to bite down on your neck and severs your jugular, that’s all for you.
>
> Probably not a good idea.
On the ‘curl up into a ball’ point, I was thinking about the idea that if a bear attacks you, you should play dead. I’m not too sure of that advise either, to be honest.
If you fell to the ground as though you ‘died’ or whatever, would that be sufficient for the Chimp to care about something else?
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### Author:  [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/150 "2010-07-12T18:24:22Z")
> [@Meatros](#):
>
> On the ‘curl up into a ball’ point, I was thinking about the idea that if a bear attacks you, you should play dead. I’m not too sure of that advise either, to be honest.
>
> If you fell to the ground as though you ‘died’ or whatever, would that be sufficient for the Chimp to care about something else?
St. James made a modest attempt to “push” away the chimp but was so quickly overwhelmed it was essentially the same as curling up in a ball. Chimp brains and bear brains are two different animals… so to speak.
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### Author:  [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/151 "2010-07-12T18:33:46Z")
It sounds to me like the most horrific aspect of the chimps, and the one that freaks everyone out, is not their raw fighting ability but the fact that their manner of attack happens to be aimed at disfigurement rather than efficient killing.
One would have to think that these attacks are how they fight with each other, rather than a specific type of attack geared to humans. Question then is: in the wild, do you see a lot of chimps with parts of their faces or fingers or genitals missing, having been bitten off by other chimps? (ISTR a NYT article about bonobos mentioning one whose penis had been bitten off in an attack by a group of females.)
> [@msmith537](#):
>
> Seriously though, a full-grown tiger is like 400 lbs of asskickery and a chimp is like 140 lbs.
One of the primary points of this thread is that size isn’t everything, when it comes to fights between different species. Also, I don’t think tigers and chimps overlap territories. That said, Gray Ghost had a good cite for leopards and lions.
What about gorillas?
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### Author:  [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/152 "2010-07-12T18:35:59Z")
“Get the chimp in a _gogoplatta_”.
Yes, if you want it to chew your balls off first.
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### Author:  [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/153 "2010-07-12T18:38:23Z")
> [@ivan\_astikov](#):
>
> “Get the chimp in a _gogoplata_”.
>
> Yes, if you want it to chew your balls off first.
This makes me wonder…
Suppose you get a chimp in an arm bar. Let’s also suppose that this chimp simply wants to out muscle you (as opposed to ripping your leg off or whatever), would it be possible to break the chimp’s arm, or would the chimp simply be too strong?
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### Author:  [@thirdname](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdname)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/154 "2010-07-12T18:43:34Z")
I went ahead and sent an email for Bas at the Inside MMA show’s email address. I don’t think I get the channel that it’s on (HDNet), so if anybody watches that show, keep an eye out.
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### Author:  [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/155 "2010-07-12T18:57:29Z")
> [@thirdname](#):
>
> I went ahead and sent an email for Bas at the Inside MMA show’s email address. I don’t think I get the channel that it’s on (HDNet), so if anybody watches that show, keep an eye out.
I watch it occasionally, I’ll report back if I catch him addressing it.
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### Author:  [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/156 "2010-07-12T18:58:24Z")
> [@Meatros](#):
>
> Also, let’s suppose that you got a chimp some boxing gloves, some shoes, and a mouth guard (filled with glue, I suppose, to keep it in).
>
> What are the odds like now?
I’d vote for a prime heavyweight boxer (Lennox Lewis or a Klitschko brother in their prime.) The chimps 3 biggest assets are: teeth, dexterity, strength. Teeth and dexterity are gone with the gloves and mouthpiece, and the strength advantage isn’t going to be that huge over a 6’5"+, 250+lb prime athlete.
> [@Darth\_Panda](#):
>
> Basic reasoning is that they are way the crap stronger than us.
I wonder how much stronger - if at all - they are than a guy like Lesnar, or hell, Pudzianowski. There’s gotta be a point where bodyweight comes into play. I mean, would all the strength in the world matter if your 140lb ass got picked up and punted across the room?
> [@Meatros](#):
>
> Suppose you get a chimp in an arm bar. Let’s also suppose that this chimp simply wants to out muscle you (as opposed to ripping your leg off or whatever), would it be possible to break the chimp’s arm, or would the chimp simply be too strong?
Chimp would definitely be too strong, unless maybe you were incredibly strong yourself. Bob Sapp, et al, have “curled” their opponents out of armbars.
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### Author:  [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/157 "2010-07-12T18:59:29Z")
> [@Meatros](#):
>
> This makes me wonder…
>
> Suppose you get a chimp in an arm bar. Let’s also suppose that this chimp simply wants to out muscle you (as opposed to ripping your leg off or whatever), would it be possible to break the chimp’s arm, or would the chimp simply be too strong?
I don’t think it is a matter of anatomy whether you can armbar a chimp, but whether his chimp brain is smart enough to realize how to power out of it. If you started the fight off with the armbar already “sunk” I’d put the odds at 50/50…the chimp has 10x more strength than needed to power out of it (insanely strong humans have powered out of fully sunken armbars before), but does it know how to?
Supposing you break the chimp’s arm with the armbar, if it is truly enraged aren’t you dead meat after anyways? I think a blood choke is the only possible way to finish the chimp off, a rear naked choke is called Mata leon (Kill the lion) for a reason.
I think a gogo is way safer than an armbar because your body is farther away from the chimp’s mouth.
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### Author:  [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/158 "2010-07-12T19:02:04Z")
I’ve also sent an email to Chuck Norris and mentioned some little hairy guy wants a fight with him.
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### Author:  [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/159 "2010-07-12T19:03:01Z")
> [@julius blaze](#):
>
> I think a gogo is way safer than an armbar because your body is farther away from the chimp’s mouth.
Are you joking? His mouth would be DEFCON 1 distance from your balls.
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### Author:  [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)
#### Post date: [July 12, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-knock-out-an-enraged-chimp/545830/160 "2010-07-12T19:04:53Z")
I would pay to see that Kiai guy fight a chimp. Hopefully, he’d go for the gogoplatta.
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