# Could you remain friends with a person who left their spouse because the spouse had been crippled? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 29, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480 "2014-12-29T22:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/21 "2014-12-30T01:47:27Z")
I would not remain friends with this person. Not necessarily because she is treating her husband badly. IMO the basis upon which they have built their marriage is between them, and is both their responsibility, and frankly, none of my business. If their relationship was built upon freedom travel and excitement, obviously she feels that this circumstance has shaken that basis, so let her be free. But at the same time she is showing that freedom, travel and excitement are more important to her than love, companionship and loyalty. This is so far from my own values and priorities that we are just not compatible as friends. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/22 "2014-12-30T02:06:08Z")
I would judge her as kind of stupid for getting married without anticipating such a scenario. Did she just tune out during the “through sickness and health” part of her vows? However, love can make people do stupid things. You can be a good person and rush into things without thinking. And no ever really anticipates the worse. I’d probably remain friends, but if she asked for my opinion about her decision, I’d let her know that I thought it was a messed up how she could walk out of a legal obligation so easily. If she asked for additional commentary, I’d let her know that she should at least pay spousal support so that Geoff can get something positive out of the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/23 "2014-12-30T02:07:51Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Let’s say you have a friend, **Erica** , whom you’ve known ten years or so and consider among your closest amigos. Erica is married to Geoff, whom you like well enough but aren’t especially close to; he’s more of a friend in law. They’ve been married for five years, and to hear Erica they’re happily married–or at least were, until half a year ago. > > What changed? Glad you asked. Six months previous, Geoff was in a bad automobile accident that left him a quadriplegic and in need of a great deal of nursing care. The good news is that this doesn’t put a financial strain of Geoff & Erica; Geoff has more money than Croesus. The bad news is that Erica is having a hard time dealing with it. The man she married, she told you, was vital, strong, active, and exciting–not a wheelchair-bound cripple. She’s still young, she tells you; she wants to travel the world as they planned before their married, seeing the sights, trying new and exciting vistas, and having adventures. Thus she plans to file for divorce. She won’t be seeking spousal support, as she is still working; she just wants to be gone. > > Does hearing all this from Erica change your opinion of her? If so, will it keep you from maintaining the friendship? I would think her tremendously shallow and callous. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/24 "2014-12-30T02:10:13Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > Do not be too quick to condemn anyone - esp. one who has undergone such an extreme change in circumstance. > One day, you’re young, rich and ready to see the world. > Next day, you are trapped in the life of a live-in nurse - no travel, no restaurants, not even a long drive in the country. > > If Erica was the only person who could care for him, that would be one thing - but if he is wealthy, and number of skilled nursing possibilities are open to him. > > Kinda the ultimate on “walk a mile in her shoes”. But “through sickness and health” _specifically takes such possibilities into account._ ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/25 "2014-12-30T02:15:49Z")
> [@Fallen](#): > > Given Blinkie’s story, knowing human nature in general, and knowing that people get divorced over things \*far less serious \*than this sort of radical situation, at my age, I’d find it difficult to decide that I wanted nothing more to do with a loved one because (s)he made a different choice than I might. Doesn’t make her a terrible human being, and possibly not even a terribly flawed human being. > > One might decide to cut ties with another after discovering the loved one is a cold-blooded murderer or lacked a conscience, but I don’t know that it makes sense to decide that you no longer want someone in your life because (s)he chooses to end a relationship with someone because of this circumstance. > > What I’d be more curious to know is whether the friend of Erica will remain friends with Geoff. Who is Blinkie? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/26 "2014-12-30T02:17:14Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > Do not be too quick to condemn anyone - esp. one who has undergone such an extreme change in circumstance. > One day, you’re young, rich and ready to see the world. > Next day, you are trapped in the life of a live-in nurse - no travel, no restaurants, not even a long drive in the country. You know, being married to a disabled person does not mean being shackled to a disabled person. I married a disabled man and there are some things he just can not do. However, he has NEVER stopped me from doing those things. Indeed, he _encourages_ me to do things even when he can not join me in doing them. Thus - assuming this couple is financially well off and Erica is not the only caretaker - Erica would NOT have to be the “live in nurse”, she could still go to restaurants (actually, quads can go to restaurants, too), long drives in the country, and yes, even travel the world. She may not be able to do it _with Geoff_. So, a lot depends on things not mentioned in the OP. Is Geoff willing to let Erica do things on her own that he can’t do with her? What, exactly, is causing the split? I can envision circumstances where such a split is best for both people, and circumstances where both people might be asshats. There is a distinct difference between my situation, where I entered into a relationship with someone disabled from the get-go, versus the acquisition of a severe impairment later on. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/27 "2014-12-30T02:21:25Z")
If they have that much money, she should be able to travel solo part time. Why isn’t she doing that? That would be they key to my answer. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/28 "2014-12-30T02:35:31Z")
I’m not going to answer the question because there are just too many possible variables. But, I will say that Geoff is better off without Erica in this scenario. If I was Geoff, I couldn’t live the rest of my life with someone who was utterly resentful and miserable because of my plight. It’s not to say that when people have to take care of a loved one they need to be cheery and positive all the time - that’s surely impossible. Erica, however, would only make the situation worse. I’d say she should head out to find her “adventures” and not let the door hit her on the way out. In other words, good riddance, Erica. Me - I can be loyal to a fault when it involves someone I truly care about. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/29 "2014-12-30T02:53:07Z")
Yes, I would be friends with Erica. She’s young and has her whole life ahead of her. I’d like to think if I were Geoff, I would WANT her to leave so she could have the possibility to live that life we once dreamed of together. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/30 "2014-12-30T02:59:21Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > But “through sickness and health” _specifically takes such possibilities into account._ Ah, but was that in her vows? Not everyone uses the same ones. Besides, “'till death do us part” is in the traditional vows, too, and I’m not going to stop being friends with someone if they got divorced over infidelity, abuse, or just no longer being happy together. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/31 "2014-12-30T03:11:54Z")
Not to make this about gender, but I suspect there would be a much more negative reaction if a man divorced a crippled wife because of her being crippled. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/32 "2014-12-30T03:12:44Z")
> [@Tzigone](#): > > Ah, but was that in her vows? Not everyone uses the same ones. Besides, “'till death do us part” is in the traditional vows, too, and I’m not going to stop being friends with someone if they got divorced over infidelity, abuse, or just no longer being happy together. People do stop being friends over those type of issues/break-ups. The friends that I lost after my divorce - I realized were not really the type of friends I wanted to have. I was thinking a bit more about the Geoff and Erica scenario. I think that would bothers me most about it is not the fact that she wants to leave - if I was Geoff I would want her to go on with her life and find happiness in whichever way she chose to - it’s the time frame that seems pretty cold. I think that after 5 years of marriage, Geoff deserves more than a mere 6 months from Erica to adjust to all the changes ahead of him. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![Octarine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/22d042/32.png) [@Octarine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Octarine)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/33 "2014-12-30T03:21:59Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Who is Blinkie? [Here’s his thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=539322) He was a poster who developed Locked In Syndrome after a stroke - basically, he could only move his eyes, and posted using some sort of scrolling computer technology. He recently passed away, hence the altered title. The thread’s a pretty amazing read - at one point, he talks about how when his smell first came back, the first thing he smelled was a lemon, and it was the most beautiful sensation in the world. He also wrote a piece for Teemings - ['Twas the Stroke Before Christmas](http://www.teemings.net/series_2/issue_01/stroke_1.html) - which goes into more detail. ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/34 "2014-12-30T03:27:11Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Not to make this about gender, but I suspect there would be a much more negative reaction if a man divorced a crippled wife because of her being crippled. Yeah, that’s a given. ---
**Author:** ![Octarine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/22d042/32.png) [@Octarine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Octarine)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/35 "2014-12-30T03:27:48Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > But “through sickness and health” _specifically takes such possibilities into account._ Oh, come now. Going by this logic, you may as well outlaw divorce because “'till death do us part”. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/36 "2014-12-30T03:48:48Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I would judge her as kind of stupid for getting married without anticipating such a scenario. Did she just tune out during the “through sickness and health” part of her vows? I got remarried and never once considered that he may be in an accident and become a quadriplegic. It’s a pretty unlikely outcome for most people, even if we were truly good at imagining horrible outcomes. (Most of us really don’t take “there are only two ways out of this marriage” very seriously, even though it’s true.) ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/37 "2014-12-30T04:40:12Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I got remarried and never once considered that he may be in an accident and become a quadriplegic. It’s a pretty unlikely outcome for most people, even if we were truly good at imagining horrible outcomes. (Most of us really don’t take “there are only two ways out of this marriage” very seriously, even though it’s true.) And even if we can conceive of such a possibility when we make the vow, we have no real way of knowing what that would mean on a visceral, day-to-day level. We really have no way of anticipating what particular challenges any relationship will face, and if we think we can predict how we’ll handle them, we’re kidding ourselves. I speak from recent experience. My husband is not disabled but after 12 years of awesome we had a series of adverse life events this year that were the equivalent of throwing a live grenade on our marriage. And we are still picking up the pieces. And it’s not like we never faced challenges before this. We had years of experience dealing with life’s sucker punches and then this one thing blew it all to hell, in what seemed like an instant. We are finding equilibrium now, but nonetheless, I find myself humbled. I don’t think I would ever dare to predict our reaction to any given event, after experiencing this. Relationships are fragile things, all it really takes to threaten one is a well-aimed blow to your most vulnerable spot. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/38 "2014-12-30T04:46:19Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > And even if we can conceive of such a possibility when we make the vow, we have no real way of knowing what that would mean on a visceral, day-to-day level. We really have no way of anticipating what particular challenges any relationship will face, and if we think we can predict how we’ll handle them, we’re kidding ourselves. > > I speak from recent experience. My husband is not disabled but after 12 years of awesome we had a series of adverse life events this year that were the equivalent of throwing a live grenade on our marriage. And we are still picking up the pieces. And it’s not like we never faced challenges before this. We had years of experience dealing with life’s sucker punches and then this one thing blew it all to hell, in what seemed like an instant. We are finding equilibrium now, but nonetheless, I find myself humbled. I don’t think I would ever dare to predict our reaction to any given event, after experiencing this. Relationships are fragile things, all it really takes to threaten one is a well-aimed blow to your most vulnerable spot. Indeed. Crowing about our sticktoitiveness is like crowing about your immune system. There are a lot of bugs out there that we never encounter. We don’t really know what would fell us if we were exposed. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/39 "2014-12-30T04:47:44Z")
Before reading the OP, my thought was that it depends a bit on what kind of friend I am with the non-injured spouse. If we’re work-friends, in the sense that we chat about the game on Monday and we go out to lunch together more often than not, I could probably stay friends with the person. If they’re the kind of friend that I know through some mutual organization, like volunteering with the Humane Society or whatever, where I see them but not their spouse, yea, I could probably stay friends with them. If they were the kind of friends were we saw each other mainly though dinner at each other’s houses and joint family activities, I would have a much harder time with that. After reading OP, it’s not super clear what kind of best friend Erica is supposed to be. I assume the latter, but OP reads like I barely know Geoff. I think it’s not so hard to stay friends with someone that left their spouse (for whatever reason they left), if you barely know the spouse and think of them as “so-and-so’s spouse” instead of as a person in their own right. For that reason, I think I’d be able to stay friends with Erica, unless she started being extraordinarily selfish in other ways. I might think less of her, but I could stay friends. If it was one of those couples where I am as good friends with one as with the other, I don’t think I’d be able to stay friends with the leaving spouse. Just too awkward. But if I have to be honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t spend as much time with Geoff as I should either. I would be too uncomfortable, which is really shitty of me but probably the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/40 "2014-12-30T04:49:58Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > And even if we can conceive of such a possibility when we make the vow, we have no real way of knowing what that would mean on a visceral, day-to-day level. We really have no way of anticipating what particular challenges any relationship will face, and if we think we can predict how we’ll handle them, we’re kidding ourselves. > > I speak from recent experience. My husband is not disabled but after 12 years of awesome we had a series of adverse life events this year that were the equivalent of throwing a live grenade on our marriage. And we are still picking up the pieces. And it’s not like we never faced challenges before this. We had years of experience dealing with life’s sucker punches and then this one thing blew it all to hell, in what seemed like an instant. We are finding equilibrium now, but nonetheless, I find myself humbled. I don’t think I would ever dare to predict our reaction to any given event, after experiencing this. Relationships are fragile things, all it really takes to threaten one is a well-aimed blow to your most vulnerable spot. You are wise. Relationships fail for much more trivial reasons than permanent disability. Friendship can be much longer lasting because they require much less effort. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=3)