# Could you remain friends with a person who left their spouse because the spouse had been crippled? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 29, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480 "2014-12-29T22:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/41 "2014-12-30T06:55:51Z")
I’ve read that there is a high percentage of divorce among parents of children who become disabled or have long term serious illness. The strain of everything just makes it much harder to have a good relationship. It could be that Erica is in the middle of the grieving process and this is part of it. It’s really to so say without actually being in the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/42 "2014-12-30T07:14:13Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > The Geoff in this scenario is not the same person Erica married. He’s not a lesser person, but he is a different person. But everybody changes. You are not the same person you were five years ago; you will not be the same person five years from now. Nor will your spouse in five years, let alone twenty, be the same person you married. Marriage is _by definition_ a commitment and expectation to go through changes with someone, yours and theirs. Granted, a major trauma can change someone faster or more dramatically or unpredictably than anyone might have anticipated. But so can ‘lesser’ events. Sometimes the dealbreaking difference is only the cumulative weight of a thousand tiny changes, no one of which would even be worth mentioning alone. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/43 "2014-12-30T07:27:39Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > And even if we can conceive of such a possibility when we make the vow, we have no real way of knowing what that would mean on a visceral, day-to-day level. We really have no way of anticipating what particular challenges any relationship will face, and if we think we can predict how we’ll handle them, we’re kidding ourselves. It seems to me that the question isn’t about anticipating possibilities or predicting reactions; it’s about what people actually do. Things _will_ happen that we don’t expect, that’s pretty much given. That doesn’t mean that _what we do_ in the unplanned-for case somehow isn’t a real or fair test of character. Indeed, maybe it is the only one. ---
**Author:** ![Jake\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Jake\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake_Jones)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/44 "2014-12-30T08:28:12Z")
The one variable not mentioned is how the injured spouse is handling this drastically life-altering tragedy. I guess we’re supposed to assume that he’s handling it as best as can be hoped for under the circumstances in this hypothetical, but that’s an enormous assumption to make in the real world. And who wants to accuse their newly paralyzed spouse of behaving badly in response to such an event? I think **Hey Hey Paula** has the only valid criticism against the healthy spouse here, in that six months is awfully soon to make that kind of decision final in the wake of such tragedy, even in a relatively new marriage. I would still give anyone, let alone a close friend, a lot of leeway under the circumstances. They would have to really show themselves as indifferent or callous before I wrote them off. ---
**Author:** ![Waymore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Waymore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waymore)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/45 "2014-12-30T08:58:32Z")
I couldn’t remain friends with Erica. Abandoning somebody you’re committed to for better or worse while that person is at the absolute lowest point of their life displays a self absorption I can’t respect. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/46 "2014-12-30T12:21:09Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Not to make this about gender, but I suspect there would be a much more negative reaction if a man divorced a crippled wife because of her being crippled. True, a man would seem like some sort of ogre if say his wife became handicapped. But a woman, it would be all “you go girl!”. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/47 "2014-12-30T12:34:58Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > True, a man would seem like some sort of ogre if say his wife became handicapped. But a woman, it would be all “you go girl!”. And yet the majority of posts have been the opposite of this. ---
**Author:** ![Chief\_Pedant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@Chief\_Pedant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chief_Pedant)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/48 "2014-12-30T12:51:31Z")
Does your personal standard for friends proscribe narcissistic ones? If so, Erica is off the list. If you are open to having friends with that particular personality trait, keep her as a friend within whatever level of relationship you permit for friends with flaws. This is a question of your values; not hers. I find almost everyone from almost any walk of life interesting. I would not consider those who violate outright my personal standards close “friends.” But neither do I find almost anyone’s personal ethics or behaviour a cause to shun them. If you are personally close to Geoff, and a friendship at any level with Erica hurts Geoff, the equation changes. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/49 "2014-12-30T13:33:18Z")
Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if **Skald the Rhymer** ’s binary vision of events was all we ever had to consider? ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/50 "2014-12-30T14:03:39Z")
I don’t “get” marriage. Making a lifetime commitment to someone is basically saying that even if you want to be free of the person at some point in the future, you are going to stick around anyway until one of you dies. Why would anyone want this? Of course people know when they marry (depending on where they live) that they can get divorced, but if they see that as a future possibility, what is the value of the commitment anyway? You can always stay with someone until you tire of it without marrying them. I guess if your religion dictates that you must marry or remain a virgin or you are up for insurance benefits or tax advantages if you marry, then that explains why people do it, but the “lifetime commitment” aspect seems quite absurd. I would fully support any friend leaving a spouse for any reason at all. If you don’t want to be with someone because they are a quadriplegic or because they won’t quit leaving toenail clippings around the house, it’s all the same to me. I sure wouldn’t want to be the quadriplegic whose spouse stays out of obligation. Maybe the quadriplegic will find love elsewhere at some point after the unloving spouse is out of the way. Staying with someone you don’t want to be with is no favor to them. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/51 "2014-12-30T14:15:22Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > Wouldn’t life be so much simpler if **Skald the Rhymer** ’s binary vision of events was all we ever had to consider? What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t have a binary vision of events. I haven’t given an opinion one way or the other about Erica. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/52 "2014-12-30T14:23:23Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Erica is having a hard time dealing with it. The man she married, she told you, was vital, strong, active, and exciting–not a wheelchair-bound cripple. This logic is what bothers me the most. A husband could say, “The woman I married was beautiful and had a lovely face - not the woman with third-degree burns now whose face is hideously melted from the blazing house fire she escaped from last week.” A wife could say, “The man I married was healthy, not the pancreatic-cancer patient hooked up to IVs and tubes right now.” A husband could say, “The woman I married was young, energetic, and athletic, not the 70-year old hag who is in a wheelchair now.” All in all, it’s just an awful sentiment. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/53 "2014-12-30T14:24:17Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > And I respect that. The question, though, is whether Erica’s behavior would be sufficiently disturbing to you to wreck the friendship. Yes. She has proven herself to be severely lacking in integrity. Not the kind of person I would want to hang out with. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/54 "2014-12-30T14:32:06Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Yes. All people have their failings. > > And until I’ve seen them in this situation themselves, and acting differently, I’m not going to take the word of people who would say “I would never do something that shallow myself”. Words are cheap. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > I answered the question. I don’t think it reveals anything about Erica. I think these sum up my attitude fairly accurately. I can’t honestly say that I wouldn’t do the same thing if I was in Erica’s shoes. I mean, I like to think I wouldn’t, but it’s just not the sort of response that is truly predictable. I’m also not sure that I would encourage Erica to stay with Geoff if she was genuinely going to be unhappy anyway. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/55 "2014-12-30T14:33:13Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > This logic is what bothers me the most. > A husband could say, “The woman I married was beautiful and had a lovely face - not the woman with third-degree burns now whose face is hideously melted from the blazing house fire she escaped from last week.” > A wife could say, “The man I married was healthy, not the pancreatic-cancer patient hooked up to IVs and tubes right now.” > A husband could say, “The woman I married was young, energetic, and athletic, not the 70-year old hag who is in a wheelchair now.” > All in all, it’s just an awful sentiment. Well it’s not something Hallmark should make a card about, but people can’t help how they feel. Isn’t it better to act on those feelings and go away than to live a lie and pretend feelings you don’t have because you don’t want people negatively judging you? It’s like a closeted gay person in a heterosexual marriage. Why should the spouse be victimized by this type of deceit? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/56 "2014-12-30T14:34:18Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > I don’t “get” marriage. Making a lifetime commitment to someone is basically saying that even if you want to be free of the person at some point in the future, you are going to stick around anyway until one of you dies. Why would anyone want this? If you don’t get marriage you don’t get marriage, I’m OK with that. It does declare that you have made a commitment that goes beyond the casual. For some people that’s important, and outside of religious/legal/tax/insurance purposes. A sizable number of marriages DO last under one of the two partners dies, so apparently there are quite a few people who _do_ want to stick around until death. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/57 "2014-12-30T14:39:05Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > This logic is what bothers me the most. > > A husband could say, “The woman I married was beautiful and had a lovely face - not the woman with third-degree burns now whose face is hideously melted from the blazing house fire she escaped from last week.” > > A wife could say, “The man I married was healthy, not the pancreatic-cancer patient hooked up to IVs and tubes right now.” > > A husband could say, “The woman I married was young, energetic, and athletic, not the 70-year old hag who is in a wheelchair now.” > > All in all, it’s just an awful sentiment. Well, yeah, awful _but it happens pretty often in real life._ Post-disaster divorces/break ups do happen. People left maimed and crippled all too often lose family and friends who can’t deal with the changes. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/58 "2014-12-30T14:58:54Z")
Would it really be better for her to stay with him and slowly come to resent everyone and everything in her life? I’d stay friends with her. Actually I’d make it a point of supporting her just because I know lots would judge her harshly. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/59 "2014-12-30T15:00:38Z")
> [@Hey\_Hey\_Paula](#): > > I’ve been married for 20 years; my spouse has been chronically ill/disabled for 16 years. I totally get the “this is not the marriage I signed up for” feelings. And I’m not a strong or wonderful or amazing person, I’m just me, coping the best I can. > > If Erica were a friend of mine, she would have my sympathies, and all my coping tips. If she told me she wanted to divorce her husband, only six months after his accident, I’d also advise her not to do anything rash so soon after such a life-changing event. She may feel differently in another six months, or she may not, but there’s no need to act right this very second. I agree, just six months after the accident, both Erica and Geoff are still adjusting. Some counseling might be in order, and maybe more nursing help or household help if that stuff is causing stress. If after another year or so after trying to work things through she still wants to leave, I wouldn’t blame her, but six months is an awfully short time to deal with a big change like this. > [@Broomstick](#): > > You know, being married to a disabled person does not mean being shackled to a disabled person. > > I married a disabled man and there are some things he just can not do. However, he has NEVER stopped me from doing those things. Indeed, he _encourages_ me to do things even when he can not join me in doing them. > > Thus - assuming this couple is financially well off and Erica is not the only caretaker - Erica would NOT have to be the “live in nurse”, she could still go to restaurants (actually, quads can go to restaurants, too), long drives in the country, and yes, even travel the world. She may not be able to do it _with Geoff_. > > So, a lot depends on things not mentioned in the OP. Is Geoff willing to let Erica do things on her own that he can’t do with her? What, exactly, is causing the split? I can envision circumstances where such a split is best for both people, and circumstances where both people might be asshats. I also agree with this. Erica can still do some of the exciting things with him, just it might take more planning. And she can definitely do a lot of exciting things without him while still being married to him. Some married people without disabled spouses travel alone just because the spouses aren’t interested in traveling to the same places. She’s not required to be his live-in nurse since they have money to pay for a real one. I’d like to know how Geoff is treating things. Is he angry and bitter at the world? Did he fall into a depression after the accident? If so, I wouldn’t blame Geoff, but I also wouldn’t blame Erica thinking about leaving the marriage. Or is Geoff handling things pretty well? Does he have bad days, but is overall accepting that this is how it’s going to be now and adjusting well? If so, I’d have less sympathy for Erica wanting to leave. People do get divorced for any number of reasons. If someone I know gets divorced, I don’t interrogate them about the reasons to see if I approve or not. I think I could still be friends with Erica, although I would advise her to not make any too hasty decisions, and see if there was anything else she could do before divorcing. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/60 "2014-12-30T15:00:42Z")
I’m not sure why this scenario should be any more wrong than divorce for any other reason. Fundamentally, she is no longer happy in her marriage. Maybe she’s being too quick to bail without putting forth any effort to find a way to be happy, which speaks perhaps to her level of commitment in the first place. In the end, however, divorce is not a moral failing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=4)