# Could you remain friends with a person who left their spouse because the spouse had been crippled? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 29, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480 "2014-12-29T22:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/101 "2014-12-30T22:09:37Z")
Nm ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/102 "2014-12-30T22:10:59Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > … > But I married him because I can’t imagine my life without him. A whole notebook full of injuries doesn’t change the person he is. I would probably distance myself from someone who apparently married someone based on who he was at 30, without considering that he will change physically and intellectually, just as she will. Barring some sort of abuse (not “allowing” her to travel without him, expecting her to be a full-time nurse when there are other good options, that sort of thing,) I’d find Erica’s decision to be very self-centered, possibly cruel. > > But like I said, I can’t be very objective right now. The key difference here though is that you don’t WANT to leave your husband, so there is no decision to be made. Hypothetical Erica no longer wants to be with her husband, so she could stay anyway, or decide to go. Her feelings aren’t a decision, they just are what they are. Self-centered perhaps, but it would be cruel to stay and be bitter and resentful, possibly keeping both of them from happiness with someone else or alone. ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/103 "2014-12-30T22:30:38Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > The key difference here though is that you don’t WANT to leave your husband, so there is no decision to be made. Hypothetical Erica no longer wants to be with her husband, so she could stay anyway, or decide to go. Her feelings aren’t a decision, they just are what they are. Self-centered perhaps, but it would be cruel to stay and be bitter and resentful, possibly keeping both of them from happiness with someone else or alone. I think that my judgment of Erica would stem from the fact that she married Geoff in the first place, not that she divorced him. I’d feel the same way if I discovered that a friend married someone for money, and left because he no longer had any; or married someone because she loved dancing with him, and he developed a physical problem that prevented him from dancing. It just sounds like someone with massively poor judgment. And, as you say, self-centered. Not exactly the top two traits that I prefer in my friends! ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/104 "2014-12-30T22:41:18Z")
It does sound as if she never actually loved him in the first place, as who would leave a loved one under such circumstances, but I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she must have at least THOUGHT she did and now is doing the right thing under the circumstances instead of allowing social pressure to force her to maintain a sham marriage. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/105 "2014-12-30T22:43:55Z")
One reason (perhaps the major reason) why this is so disturbing is the idea of marriage being “in sickness and in health” etc. That’s the whole point of that clause in the traditional vows - it indicates that you are marrying the person as they are, _and_ as they will be, whatever that might be. You aren’t supposed to marry someone on the condition that they continue to be (athletic, hot, rich, good looking, good in bed, whatever) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/106 "2014-12-30T22:45:58Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > It does sound as if she never actually loved him in the first place, as who would leave a loved one under such circumstances… Honestly, this strikes me as having a profound ignorance about the realities of dealing with disability. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/107 "2014-12-30T22:48:49Z")
To all you folks who have no problem with what Erica plans: Does your answer change if the loved one she plans to abandon (albeit with the appropriate nursing care) is her parent? Her minor child? If Geoff isn’t flush with money? ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/108 "2014-12-30T23:01:40Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Honestly, this strikes me as having a profound ignorance about the realities of dealing with disability. I am well aware, from personal experience, that the reality is that it sucks. But when someone I love needs me, the idea of fleeing is honestly not something that crosses my mind because there is no way to be happy knowing they are suffering alone. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/109 "2014-12-30T23:09:12Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > But when someone I love needs me The “caretaker” role is not one that should be filled by one’s spouse, at least not the primary role. That role-confusion is one of the major reasons why such.marriages collapse post-injury. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/110 "2014-12-30T23:11:36Z")
Since my answer is “it depends on a lot of factors” no, not really. When my mother was dying my eldest surviving sister, being a doctor, dealt with it fairly well. I went and lived with my parents for a couple months (even a thread about it on the Dope) until the end and did a lot of the care-taking. My other sister, however… not terribly helpful. Couldn’t even go into the bedroom where mom was. I know a lot of people thought she was shallow and horrible and all sorts of things. The thing is - _that’s how she’s always been_. She has not, and does not, handle medical stuff very well, has always been a bit self-centered and selfish, and so on. It was _completely_ consistent with her lifetime character. I’ve occasionally been asked if I was ever angry about that. Well… no, probably because I didn’t _expect_ anything else from her. She _did_ come out and help with things like grocery runs and upkeep on the rest of the apartment. She helped out to the extent she psychologically could do so. By that time in my life I’d grokked that not everyone has the same capability or tolerances and adjusted accordingly. (I can’t imagine the psychological horrors she went through when her eldest child was severely brain injured in a car accident and she became his primary caretaker for a considerable time, her ex-husband being even more useless about such things than her in some ways. Then again, I think being caretaker for your child, even an adult one, is different than being a caretaker for anyone else.) So… some people can deal with disability and some can’t. Forcing the latter to stay involved isn’t going to help anyone. If it’s apparent Erica is one of those “can’t deal with it” people then admitting it early rather than later is better. My sister with the brain injured adult son? She and her ex have relinquished custody/power of attorney over him because they both realized that that was in _his_ best interests. It struck me as strange at first, but they haven’t abandoned him, they’ve made it possible for his interests to be guarded by people better able to handle those matters than they are. They are still involved with their son, they still have input, but at a level that they can handle, with matters they can’t reliably deal with handled by someone able to manage them. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/111 "2014-12-30T23:14:51Z")
The whole point of “commitment” is that you stick to it even when it’s tough. If you abide by it when things are easy, but abandon it when it’s tough…then that, by definition, isn’t “commitment.” ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/112 "2014-12-30T23:17:16Z")
You know, sometimes you make a commitment with every intention of keeping it… and later find out you can’t. There’s sticking with something tough to do, and then there’s being simply unable to do it. At a certain point you have to admit your limitations and deal with them. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/113 "2014-12-30T23:32:12Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > To all you folks who have no problem with what Erica plans: > > Does your answer change if the loved one she plans to abandon (albeit with the appropriate nursing care) is her parent? Her minor child? If Geoff isn’t flush with money? I don’t think most of us are saying we have “no problem,” with it, but we’re saying we wouldn’t stop being her friend. We understand people are complex, less then perfect, and doing the best they can for the most part. I certainly had a “problem” with my father having an affair and leaving my mother. He had other decent qualities and I came to terms with his mistakes and continued to maintain a relationship with him. I have maintained friendships with friends who left for reasons I didn’t agree with as well. As to your question, I would be greatly troubled if she left (“abandoned” to use you term) a minor child. I see that as different. Adults are on their own, whether they parents, spouses, friends etc. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/114 "2014-12-30T23:34:08Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > You know, sometimes you make a commitment with every intention of keeping it… and later find out you can’t. > > There’s sticking with something tough to do, and then there’s being simply unable to do it. At a certain point you have to admit your limitations and deal with them. Sure. Sometimes soldiers stand and fight, sometimes they run away. Some are never put to the test. This is reality; it does not follow that _there is no difference_ between honoring a commitment and discarding it, if and when the test of fire comes. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/115 "2014-12-30T23:36:39Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > Sure. Sometimes soldiers stand and fight, sometimes they run away. Some are never put to the test. This is reality; it does not follow that _there is no difference_ between honoring a commitment and discarding it, if and when the test of fire comes. I don’t want to be married to someone who is just honoring a commitment. I don’t need a pity husband. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/116 "2014-12-30T23:38:00Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > The “caretaker” role is not one that should be filled by one’s spouse, at least not the primary role. That role-confusion is one of the major reasons why such.marriages collapse post-injury. No doubt, but I’m talking about all loved ones, not just spouses, and I’m talking about actually caring, not being a caretaker as such. When I actually care about someone, I would never think I could just distance myself from them and be happy. It just wouldn’t be possible. Maybe other people are different and more power to them. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/117 "2014-12-30T23:38:43Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I don’t want to be married to someone who is just honoring a commitment. I don’t need a pity husband. What else must there be? That is not a rhetorical question; rhetorical questions are against Rhymer Rule something or other. What is the essential element that makes marriage desirable for you? Is it love? If so, what sort of love? Because simple physical passion doesn’t last forever. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/118 "2014-12-30T23:40:57Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > No doubt, but I’m talking about all loved ones, not just spouses, and I’m talking about actually caring, not being a caretaker as such. When I actually care about someone, I would never think I could just distance myself from them and be happy. It just wouldn’t be possible. Maybe other people are different and more power to them. Well, sure - I have a hard time imagining abandoning a loved one no matter what. That’s why I held my mom’s hand in mine while she died. I can make that commitment and unfortunately I have had experience in my life that I can keep it. I also recognize that not everyone else can pass such a test. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/119 "2014-12-30T23:48:23Z")
It’s more of a handicap than a test in my case. Maybe if I could just happily prance away leaving ill/needy people in my wake I’d be living a glorious carefree life of selfish hedonism! Run far, run fast, and don’t look back, hypothetical Erica. You only have one hypothetical life, don’t waste it emptying hypothetical bedpans. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/120 "2014-12-30T23:50:11Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > It’s more of a handicap than a test in my case. Maybe if I could just happily prance away leaving ill/needy people in my wake I’d be living a glorious carefree life of selfish hedonism! You’re just too good for this world. We’re not worthy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=7)