# Could you remain friends with a person who left their spouse because the spouse had been crippled? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 29, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480 "2014-12-29T22:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/121 "2014-12-30T23:50:17Z")
These kinds of things rarely happen out of the blue. There’s usually a LOT more to the story. As for the whole “men leaving their sick wives” thing, out of curiosity I looked for “women leaving their sick husbands” research, and there doesn’t seem to even BE any. 😕 I’ll admit that my search was quite cursory. As for breast cancer, I’m a health care professional and the child of a 30-plus year survivor, and I have NEVER personally known, or even heard about, a man who left his wife because of this, nor have I ever had a conversation with someone who said they did. Oh, I’m sure it’s happened out there somewhere, but not to anyone I know; the people I know who split up would have done so anyway. Research does state that the divorce rate for such couples IS THE SAME as for those who haven’t been through this. Another stereotype is for parents of autistic children. Anecdote: Someone on another website said that their local support group had 9 couples who were married at the time the kids were born; two were divorced, and one of them had separated before they had any inkling that the child was disabled. Other people have told similar stories. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/122 "2014-12-30T23:57:41Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I don’t want to be married to someone who is just honoring a commitment. I don’t need a pity husband. I haven’t said anything about pity. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2014, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/123 "2014-12-30T23:58:03Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > It’s more of a handicap than a test in my case. Maybe if I could just happily prance away leaving ill/needy people in my wake I’d be living a glorious carefree life of selfish hedonism! > Run far, run fast, and don’t look back, hypothetical Erica. You only have one hypothetical life, don’t waste it emptying hypothetical bedpans. Sometimes I think you just take opposing stances in threads simply to be argumentative. You really come off as having no real idea what you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/124 "2014-12-31T00:03:29Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > What else must there be? > > That is not a rhetorical question; rhetorical questions are against Rhymer Rule something or other. What is the essential element that makes marriage desirable for you? Is it love? If so, what sort of love? Because simple physical passion doesn’t last forever. Not quite addressing your question, but I know of a marriage where every iota of love seems to be gone. There’s no physical passion, but there’s also no respect, no emotional support, no degree of caring, no real interest in the other spouse’s life. They have loud and voluble arguments (I’ve been witness to some of those), but that’s pretty much the only interaction. Whatever drew them together is gone, but they “honor their commitment” by staying married. I’m sorry: there’s no honor in making each other and everybody around them miserable. I don’t think better of them for toughing it out when it is obvious that the situation isn’t going to improve. Perhaps Erica never really loved him, or perhaps she’s shallow and silly. Perhaps she’s given it her best shot and figured out that both of them are miserable in a relationship that could not withstand bad times. I don’t KNOW what goes on (or went on) in their marriage. Without walking a mile in her moccasins, it’s pretty presumptuous to judge her. Now on the other hand if this is just one more episode in a long string of silly and shallow actions, then one must accept Erica is silly and shallow, and take her or leave her as you would any other silly/shallow person within your circle. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/125 "2014-12-31T00:22:17Z")
Maybe Erica _believed_ she was in love with Geoff or _wanted to believe_ it during easier times. How many people do you think have ever _truly_ been in love? I dont think it’s as many as some might imagine. Some people really don’t know what love is. Sometimes such injuries are clarifying moments for couples, when they realize (often painfully and not at an even pace) that their love isn’t as strong, and deep, as they liked to believe it was. I for one, am extremely thankful that I was single and without a significant other at the time of my car accident that left me paraplegic. If Erica was so shallow for marrying Geoff for attributes that his injury robbed him of, couldn’t the same thing be said of Geoff? That _he_ may have married Erica for equally shallow reasons? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/126 "2014-12-31T00:25:18Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > What else must there be? > > That is not a rhetorical question; rhetorical questions are against Rhymer Rule something or other. What is the essential element that makes marriage desirable for you? Is it love? If so, what sort of love? Because simple physical passion doesn’t last forever. It takes love and respect. And more, I only want to be married to someone who wants to be married to me, and is not staying out of some sort of obligation or, worse, some weird attempt at saintly self-sacrifice. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/127 "2014-12-31T00:26:40Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Sometimes I think you just take opposing stances in threads simply to be argumentative. You really come off as having no real idea what you’re talking about. I understand and accept that most of my opinions are unpopular, but they are my real opinions nonetheless. What makes you think I don’t know what I’m talking about with regard to my own opinions? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/128 "2014-12-31T00:31:47Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > I understand and accept that most of my opinions are unpopular, but they are my real opinions nonetheless. What makes you think I don’t know what I’m talking about with regard to my own opinions? Your opinions strike me as coming from a place of ignorance on the matter. You sound extremely confident that you’d know how you would respond to some of the most highly unpredictable situations human relations can concoct. If I am mistaken and you _do_ have real-world experience with the subject being discussed, please accept my apology. But your posts don’t seem to read as if you have. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/129 "2014-12-31T00:36:50Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer View Post > What else must there be? > > That is not a rhetorical question; rhetorical questions are against Rhymer Rule something or other. What is the essential element that makes marriage desirable for you? Is it love? If so, what sort of love? Because simple physical passion doesn’t last forever. As I tell my wife, when the benefits of being with me are outweighed by the negatives, she is free to move on. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/130 "2014-12-31T00:41:28Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Your opinions strike me as coming from a place of ignorance on the matter. You sound extremely confident that you’d know how you would respond to some of the most highly unpredictable situations human relations can concoct. If I am mistaken and you _do_ have real-world experience with the subject being discussed, please accept my apology. But your posts don’t seem to read as if you have. I have never been married, so have not had the opportunity to leave a recently-disabled unloved spouse, no. You got me there! I have been primary caregiver to a relative dying of cancer and another with a degenerative disabling disease. Does this qualify me to have an informed opinion? Also, I choose my actions and opinions according to what I feel is an internal logic and consistency and I have confidence in my own ability to predict my future thoughts and behavior based on my experiences. Is that really so odd? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/131 "2014-12-31T00:42:48Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > As I tell my wife, when the benefits of being with me are outweighed by the negatives, she is free to move on. But before then, she _isn’t_ free to move on? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/132 "2014-12-31T00:44:36Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > I have never been married, so have not had the opportunity to leave a recently-disabled unloved spouse, no. You got me there! > > I have been primary caregiver to a relative dying of cancer and another with a degenerative disabling disease. Does this qualify me to have an informed opinion? Im just giving you _my opinion_ on the impression your posts give me. Eta: And being the caregiver to a relative isnt the same dynamic _whatsoever_ as husband/wife. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/133 "2014-12-31T00:48:36Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > It takes love and respect. And more, I only want to be married to someone who wants to be married to me, and is not staying out of some sort of obligation or, worse, some weird attempt at saintly self-sacrifice. Most people I’ve talked to think of their marriage commitment precisely in terms of love and respect. > [@slash2k](#): > > I know of a marriage where every iota of love seems to be gone. There’s no physical passion, but there’s also no respect, no emotional support, no degree of caring, no real interest in the other spouse’s life. They have loud and voluble arguments (I’ve been witness to some of those), but that’s pretty much the only interaction. Whatever drew them together is gone, but they “honor their commitment” by staying married. I’m sorry: there’s no honor in making each other and everybody around them miserable. Indeed. By my lights, their commitment is already broken and dishonored. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/134 "2014-12-31T00:50:36Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Im just giving you _my opinion_ on the impression your posts give me. Eta: And being the caregiver to a relative isnt the same dynamic _whatsoever_ as husband/wife. I guess I must have missed the part where only married people with disabled spouses were supposed to have opinions on this hypothetical scenario. Mea culpa! ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/135 "2014-12-31T00:56:19Z")
After five years of being a full-time caregiver to my disabled husband, we are now currently separated and it isn’t at all because of his disability. Instead, it’s because he’s non-compliant and willfully killing himself. And trying to take me, who has mental difficulties of my own, with him. I don’t want us to be apart. I want to remain married. He’s the love of my life and my best friend. But I’m dying trying to take care of someone who will not do a single positive or helpful thing for himself. So, I have no idea what will happen. I’m a wreck. But I know one thing for sure, I can understand people that walk away from this. Because truly, this has been the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do. Especially to sit back helplessly while you watch the other person needlessly waste away. No judgment on Erica from me. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/136 "2014-12-31T00:59:37Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > I guess I must have missed the part where only married people with disabled spouses were supposed to have opinions on this hypothetical scenario. Mea culpa! Um, excuse me? Where did I criticize you for _having_ an opinion? It was the tone and certainty of that opinion that I took issue with. Since you’ve never been in such a situation, you’re smug certainty comes off a bit sanctimonious. And the only reason I dismissed your experience being a caretaker for a disabled relative is because it provides minimal insight into how you would respond to a situation such as Erica’s in the OP. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/137 "2014-12-31T01:04:50Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Um, excuse me? Where did I criticize you for _having_ an opinion? It was the tone and certainty of that opinion that I took issue with. Since you’ve never been in such a situation, you’re smug certainty comes off a bit sanctimonious. For the And the only reason I dismissed your experience being a caretaker for a disabled relative is because it provides minimal insight into how you would respond to a situation such as Erica’s in the OP. Well, pardon me for my certainty of my own behavior then, I guess. I don’t personally see it as admirable (or not), so I don’t know what you think I’m being sanctimonious about, but I was not trying to offend anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/138 "2014-12-31T01:06:12Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > After five years of being a full-time caregiver to my disabled husband, we are now currently separated and it isn’t at all because of his disability. Instead, it’s because he’s non-compliant and willfully killing himself. And trying to take me, who has mental difficulties of my own, with him. I don’t want us to be apart. I want to remain married. He’s the love of my life and my best friend. But I’m dying trying to take care of someone who will not do a single positive or helpful thing for himself. So, I have no idea what will happen. I’m a wreck. But I know one thing for sure, I can understand people that walk away from this. Because truly, this has been the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do. Especially to sit back helplessly while you watch the other person needlessly waste away. No judgment on Erica from me. Quoted for truth. ---
**Author:** ![Waymore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Waymore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waymore)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/139 "2014-12-31T01:19:47Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Seeing (and thus treating) your spouse and marriage as an albatross around your neck, breeding nothing but resentment is, IMO, a much graver life mistake for both partners. These types of situations arise _all of the time_ IRL and the reactions from people on the outside who just see an able-bodied partner leaving a recently disabled one are usually fairly uniform. They condemn the leaving spouse as a horribly shallow, selfish person who callously is leaving their partner at life’s lowest moment. > > But severe spinal cord injury changes _ **everything** _. It changes things even in ways one would never expect or could ever prepare for. Life radically, traumatically changes in the blink of an eye. For both injured spouse and caring spouse, the injury itself is a devastating tragedy with myriad physical and psychological impacts. However, there is one crucial difference between the injured spouse and the caring spouse after a spinal cord injury (in theory, at least). One of these people can get up and leave this terrible nightmare. Now, knowing, at least a bit, of what such a life entails, I would NEVER judge a person who fled the horrors of a severe spinal cord injury. I think everyone deserves at least a chance at real happiness. I’m not trying to minimize the impact of such a traumatic event. But that doesn’t change the facts of the situation. If an individual of her own free will publicly vows before friends, family and the community that she will stay with this one person for life, but then backs out because she still wants to have fun, there’s nothing else to call it but utter selfishness. If abandoning the person you joined your life to when that person is at the very nadir of their life isn’t selfish, nothing is. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2014, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480/140 "2014-12-31T01:43:36Z")
> [@Waymore](#): > > I’m not trying to minimize the impact of such a traumatic event. But that doesn’t change the facts of the situation. If an individual of her own free will publicly vows before friends, family and the community that she will stay with this one person for life, but then backs out because she still wants to have fun, there’s nothing else to call it but utter selfishness. > > If abandoning the person you joined your life to when that person is at the very nadir of their life isn’t selfish, nothing is. You are assuming so much here. You are assuming you know what is causing her to leave. Simply to “have fun” is an awfully cynical and shallow assumption, I’d say. A marriage isn’t a prison sentence. For _either_ partner. Both people, the injured and uninjured, deserve a chance at real happiness with someone that truly loves them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/could-you-remain-friends-with-a-person-who-left-their-spouse-because-the-spouse-had-been-crippled/708480.md?page=8)