# Court case where I am the "victim" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 18, 2019, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163 "2019-05-18T21:56:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/41 "2019-05-19T12:35:30Z")
> [@](#): > > Quoth **Bijou Drains** : > > they can prosecute without the victim ever going to court? A lot of people ask this question, but if you think about it, it has to be that way. Otherwise, it’d be impossible to prosecute a murder case. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/42 "2019-05-19T12:49:59Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > they called me up and asked if I was worried about her being released and I said no. I don’t know what would have happened if I said I was worried , I was not expecting that call. Maybe they would have kept her in more time if I said I was worried? Probably. This has happened with female friends of mine whose male partners were arrrested for domestic abuse. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/43 "2019-05-19T13:11:13Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > I am fine to let it play out without me. Just don’t want to end up in trouble for not testifying. and how would they decide I am a hostile witness if they force me to testify? IANAL but I was a juror in a court case where this happened. It wasn’t a big deal. A prosecution witness was very clearly trying to help the defense because she had overlapping interests. The DA was getting aggressive with questioning her, so defense asked the judge to declare hostile witness rules. You should get legal counsel, but I think they will point out that many domestics get dismissed for lack of evidence. Like your situation, the prosecution’s witness flips and doesn’t want to testify, there isn’t other physical evidence, so it gets dismissed. But they can’t simply drop charges, so I would be surprised if there’s any way to simply skip the proceedings. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/44 "2019-05-19T13:14:23Z")
> [@jackdavinci](#): > > So…why did she call 911? Either she was right to call, in which case you can testify that she injured you in self defense, or she called solely to threaten you, which might actually be worse than the other things, both to you and to the public safety. In either case, you really should probably both keep your distance. This. There are a limited number of reasons why she might have called 911 1. Someone needed medical treatment or at least she thought that was the case - possible, but that doesn’t seem consistent with your minor, non-bleeding scratches. 2. She wanted the police to respond because she was afraid she would continue to be violent toward you if they didn’t. Unlikely, but a red flag if true. 3)She wanted you to be arrested or at least inconvenienced simply because she was angry and was using the 911 call to do so. Very possible- and giant red flag. Think back- you say drugs and alcohol weren’t involved and I can understand your memory of some things being foggy but you should be able to remember the gist of she said on the 911 call and what the cops said when they arrived. ---
**Author:** ![Bijou\_Drains](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bijou_drains/32/2814_2.png) [@Bijou\_Drains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bijou_Drains)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/45 "2019-05-19T13:22:46Z")
I was upstairs and did not hear her make the call. (she was downstairs) Next thing I know the cops arrive. The cops asked me what happened and I told them . She told them as well, she was outside when they talked to her. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/46 "2019-05-19T19:27:38Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > can’t say why she called 911 since I cannot talk to her. I think my minor injuries were from when she pushed me off of her. The whole thing is sort of a fog , partly because it was so traumatic and it was over very fast. Cops said she was arrested for starting it by throwing the phone which to me is shocking and dumb. If she threw the phone first and the rest followed, yes she started it. > [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > As I said there is nothing worse than seeing your GF in handcuffs in the street at 11 pm and knowing she was going to jail and I was helpless to stop it. Nope. I say [something like this](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phil_Hartman#Death) would be worse. What you should ask your therapist, and work with your therapist to resolve (in my opinion) is why you are so hellbent in trying to either absolve your abuser of her responsibility or to take responsibility for someone else’s violent/abusive action. Again, I realize this is on the mild end of the spectrum but, you know what? Most of the time when it winds up on the other end it _started_ on the mild end. Assuming you’re both adults _no one_ should be throwing objects at the other in anger. Assuming you’re both adults you both need to face your own consequences for your own actions. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2019, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/47 "2019-05-19T19:51:36Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > I was upstairs and did not hear her make the call. (she was downstairs) Next thing I know the cops arrive. The cops asked me what happened and I told them . She told them as well, she was outside when they talked to her. So in other words, she started the altercation, called 911 after it was over, didn’t tell you why and apparently didn’t even tell you she called? Big giant red flags. Think about the reasons for calling 911 in my prior post- which do you think it was? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/48 "2019-05-20T01:30:57Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > . . . , I realize this is on the mild end of the spectrum but, you know what? Most of the time when it winds up on the other end it _started_ on the mild end. . . . And this is the reason that police started arresting all instances of domestic violence instead of trying to decide which ones were bad enough to “count”. One of my son’s friends had a wife who had anger issues. Her husband considered her to be abusive, but not violent, and the police were never called in. What worried him was that she got unreasonable when it happened. He finally decided to leave when she had an anger fit while he was driving on the freeway and she grabbed the steering wheel and jerked on it because he wasn’t paying her the attention she thought she deserved. If he hadn’t had a good grip, they’d have gone into a retaining wall at freeway speeds. If she had shown awareness afterwards that she had been wrong, he might have stayed to try working things out. But she didn’t and he started seeing a future that he just couldn’t handle. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/49 "2019-05-20T01:51:58Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > I was not attacked at all. She threw a cell phone at me (not an attack ) and then there was some wrestling where I got scratches from her nails. Also I cannot talk to her until the case is settled. I did find that in 20% of cases the person calling 911 is arrested so that is a surprise to me. In a practical sense, you have the power to say anything you need to say, whether or not it’s true, when called to the stand in court. I’m not suggesting you commit perjury - just pointing out that if it even came to a trial, your girlfriend need not ever say anything as she would be advised to take the fifth. If you are forced to testify, you have the power to say the scratches were accidental and not an assault. As there is no one else that was ever in that room, that would be the end of the state’s assault case. Also, while you have been instructed not to contact her, you can contact her attorney, and rehearse what you need to say in court to make this case disappear. Furthermore, you wouldn’t have to lie. Simply saying that you do not recall the altercation clearly, and the scratches could easily be accidental, is plenty to establish reasonable doubt. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/50 "2019-05-20T01:57:31Z")
Also, the way the process works, you can give a recorded statement to her attorney. Her attorney can then present that to the DA. The DA is going to sum up the case - now knowing what you are going to say if it came to testimony in court - and would most likely drop the case long before trial. The general rule for attorneys is that they never ask a witness a question they don’t already know the answer to. If the DA knows you’re going to say you don’t recall clearly, and it was probably an accident, then the DA will know they have to try to win the case with your damning testimony. Since the DA probably cannot win in that scenario, the case would be dropped. ---
**Author:** ![Bijou\_Drains](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bijou_drains/32/2814_2.png) [@Bijou\_Drains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bijou_Drains)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/51 "2019-05-20T02:32:20Z")
Court can tell me who her lawyer is I assume? ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/52 "2019-05-20T02:42:46Z")
> [@Bijou\_Drains](#): > > Court can tell me who her lawyer is I assume? Probably. Also you aren’t under any restrictions - you can contact her and tell her to tell her attorney to contact you. She might not be able to reply without falling afoul of the bail conditions but her attorney isn’t bound by this and has the power to contact witnesses such as yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/53 "2019-05-20T02:46:10Z")
I’m not one to ever tell anyone that they don’t need a lawyer, but you don’t need a fucking lawyer. She needs a lawyer. A lawyer for you will be a waste of money but go ahead and waste it if you want. A lawyer is your advocate not hers. You are not charged she is. You can go in and tell the prosecutor that you don’t want the case to go forward. Or you can pay someone to go in and tell the prosecutor you don’t want the case to go forward. The prosecutor’s decision will be the same. In my court what happens 99.87% of the time when the victim doesn’t want the case prosecuted they will do a conditional discharge. If there is no further acts of domestic violence in 90 days or 6 months or whatever then the charges are dropped. Maybe with some mandatory anger management. It generally does not end badly for anyone as long as there were only minor injuries and no criminal history. Beyond that my rule of thumb is once the cops are called the relationship is over. Doubtful you’ll listen to that. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/54 "2019-05-20T02:48:41Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Beyond that my rule of thumb is once the cops are called the relationship is over. Doubtful you’ll listen to that. I can second this. It could be a **lot** worse. All she had to do was say you sexually assaulted her and you’d be the one in jail. There does not need to be any evidence other than her statement for you to be imprisoned for this. Sound far fetched? Then why did she call the cops if her intention was not to have them bring harm to you? You need to find another girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/55 "2019-05-20T03:01:56Z")
> [@SamuelA](#): > > In a practical sense, you have the power to say anything you need to say, whether or not it’s true, when called to the stand in court. I’m not suggesting you commit perjury - just pointing out that if it even came to a trial, your girlfriend need not ever say anything as she would be advised to take the fifth. If you are forced to testify, you have the power to say the scratches were accidental and not an assault. As there is no one else that was ever in that room, that would be the end of the state’s assault case. > > Also, while you have been instructed not to contact her, you can contact her attorney, and rehearse what you need to say in court to make this case disappear. > > Furthermore, you wouldn’t have to lie. Simply saying that you do not recall the altercation clearly, and the scratches could easily be accidental, is plenty to establish reasonable doubt. Based on what the OP has posted in this thread, this is very bad advice. **Bijou Drains** , I’m sorry you’re going through this. ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/56 "2019-05-20T03:07:16Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Uh… perhaps take a step back. For me, a total stranger, this seems like an odd reaction. Maybe “victim” is the wrong word for you here, but I don’t really understand why you’re so worried about this. You didn’t call the police and you weren’t arrested. Why not just let it play out without you? Domestic violence cases are very hard for just this reason. The parties normally have a strong emotional bond to each other. That doesn’t suddenly end because one has been arrested. In fact, as **Bijou Drains** ’s posts make clear, he has been emotionally upset, to put it mildly, to see his girl friend led away in handcuffs. It’s the normal instinct to want to help one’s significant other. Telling him to step back and just let it play out without him goes against that deep-rooted instinct to help the loved one. It may be good advice, but it’s very hard to do. ---
**Author:** ![SamuelA](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@SamuelA](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SamuelA)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/57 "2019-05-20T03:19:55Z")
> [@Northern\_Piper](#): > > Telling him to step back and just let it play out without him goes against that deep-rooted instinct to help the loved one. It may be good advice, but it’s very hard to do. Also, how is it good advice? Our “justice” system is not based on any kind of redemption. She won’t get therapy and do some community service and have to say she’s sorry and get forgiven by society. Any conviction at all, felony or misdemeanor, will prevent her from many forms of gainful employment for the rest of her life. The U.S. has a “revenge based” (retributive instead of restorative) justice system, similar to other theocracies like Saudi Arabia. If the OP thinks a conviction is not warranted in this scenario (even if she did technically assault him it was probably an accident in the heat of passion), it probably isn’t “justice” for it to happen. If he just “lets it play out”, that will be the outcome. ---
**Author:** ![Bijou\_Drains](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bijou_drains/32/2814_2.png) [@Bijou\_Drains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bijou_Drains)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/58 "2019-05-20T03:34:58Z")
around 10 years ago she was arrested at a political protest and did community service and that is off her record. Now that was not considered assault but it was also a misdemeanor. It was a case where people were told to leave the protest site and most did but she stayed and was arrested. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/59 "2019-05-20T03:46:44Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > I’m not one to ever tell anyone that they don’t need a lawyer, but you don’t need a fucking la This is a dumb take. If he wants advice on how to act in certain legal proceedings, then he needs a lawyer, not some internet rando’s opinion. Isn’t it against board rules for people to say stuff like this? ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2019, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163/60 "2019-05-20T04:27:09Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Isn’t it against board rules for people to say stuff like this? Nope. It’s not against the rules. It used to be that we did not allow legal advice here. I am assuming this was because the SDMB did not want to be on the hook legally for any legal advice given in the forums. Quite a while ago, we changed this rule. You are now free to give any legal advice you would like to give, as long as it is in the IMHO forum. By placing it in the IMHO forum, that emphasizes that anything posted is just the opinions of some online internet folks, and is not the equivalent of professional legal advice. Also important to note in this case that Loach is posting as a regular user (there is nothing identifying the post as moderation), and is not representing the SDMB in a legal capacity. This is Loach’s opinion, and he is free to post it, just as anyone else is free to post their legal opinions. Anyone can post their opinions on legal matters. But only in the IMHO forum. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/court-case-where-i-am-the-victim/834163.md?page=4)