# Coworker asks if her teenaged son can live with you. What do you tell her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 19, 2016, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424 "2016-11-19T15:10:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/21 "2016-11-19T16:44:28Z")
> [@astro](#): > > But don’t be so judgey about the request itself until you are a helpless and desperate situation yourself. I’m pretty sure this is where the drama is, not in the OP. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/22 "2016-11-19T16:51:50Z")
I’m also left wondering if mom doesn’t have a couch that son can crash on for a few days/weeks as needed. She can’t put him up, but other people should??? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/23 "2016-11-19T16:56:04Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I’m also left wondering if mom doesn’t have a couch that son can crash on for a few days/weeks as needed. She can’t put him up, but other people should??? Well, I could imagine a scenario where that would lead to more family drama. Of course, the fact that this scenario presents as full of family drama is good reason for monstro to keep well away from it. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/24 "2016-11-19T16:57:02Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > This happened yesterday, and I’m trying to figure out how my response squares with the general consensus. I hope if somebody asked me something as outrageous as that I’d be able to handle it as well as you did. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/25 "2016-11-19T16:58:18Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I’m also left wondering if mom doesn’t have a couch that son can crash on for a few days/weeks as needed. She can’t put him up, but other people should??? The usual scenario is that bad decision making, hot mess mom is already someone’s guest, generally with existing kids, and there is no more room at the inn. They do not want to endanger their existing relationship. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/26 "2016-11-19T17:03:24Z")
> [@astro](#): > > My God, it happens all the time in the real world that people need to deal with these kinds of scenarios, stop being such hothouse flowers. Just say "no I can’t " without the rolleyes and dramaqueenery, they’re not asking you for a kidney. I’d be far more willing to donate a kidney than to take in some troublesome rando 19-year-old dude. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/27 "2016-11-19T17:13:14Z")
I agree with everyone else; you did the right – and safe thing. I was once confronted with a similar situation, made even tougher because the post-high school teenager was a cousin. But he had no job, no money, no transportation and I knew he once had stolen (and used) credit cards from his parents. No way I was going to leave him alone in my house or lend him my car. I did let him ride my motorcycle once, and it came back with some new scratches he didn’t tell me about. Red flags all over this one. But I let him stay for two days, as I had a spare room and a full fridge. (There’s a fine line between generosity and assholery.) I gave him rides and fed him until he found (or made) some friends to move in with. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/28 "2016-11-19T17:18:05Z")
From start to finish, I would say, “No.” Then I’d go find some better friends. What does she think you are, a social worker? Where the hell does someone get off trying to unload their damaged kid onto someone else like this? I can understand where she’d be desperate, but come on. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/29 "2016-11-19T17:29:43Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Don’t get fluffed up about it. Your answer was fine. A desperate parent who needs to relocate a kid on an emergency basis will naturally cast around to the closest available people she knows, co-workers and friends to house her kid. It’s strange how many people in this thread are reacting to this inquiry almost like some kind of physical affront or incredible request. > > My God, it happens all the time in the real world that people need to deal with these kinds of scenarios, stop being such hothouse flowers. Just say "no I can’t " without the rolleyes and dramaqueenery, they’re not asking you for a kidney. Exactly ---
**Author:** ![bibliophage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bibliophage/32/7615_2.png) [@bibliophage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bibliophage)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/30 "2016-11-19T17:30:10Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > “I live in a very crowded one bedroom apartment. I have nowhere for a guest to sleep. Besides the fact that I’ve a very private person and don’t really know your son. Sorry, no.” This response has too many excuses for my taste. Suppose the OP already has a two-bedroom apartment or soon moves into one and she finds out. Almost as bad, it might encourage her to come up with creative solutions. “Look, here’s a two-bedroom apartment for rent and it’s not much more than what you’re paying now.” Simpler is better. “No, sorry, that’s just not possible.” If she persists, just keep repeating “It’s just not possible.” I think I read that in a Miss Manners column years ago and I’ve had occasion to use it once or twice. It works. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/31 "2016-11-19T17:31:56Z")
The OP doesn’t even owe the cow-orker an explanation. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/32 "2016-11-19T17:38:52Z")
If her son is a minor, they may be committing child neglect - regardless of his “life choices.” But, yeah, hell no. My response right now would be “I have my hands full with my own” and after they are out of the house “I’m done raising my kids, don’t need to do that again.” ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/33 "2016-11-19T17:49:30Z")
The postal carrier I’ve had for close to 7 years put me in a similarly shitty position last month over her 30-something son getting paroled this month w/ nowhere to go. She knew I hoped to rent rooms in my home at some point and said she’d be paying his rent to me. I took his name and her number and said I’d call her; I’ve been hiding from her ever since I looked up what he was jailed for - stealing cars and such w/ his GF for drug money. He can’t move in w/ his folks b/c his younger siblings are there, as is his sister and HER kids. Why not rent him an apartment? She doesn’t want to get that much responsibility in her name for him. I understand the desperation she feels and I’m grateful not to be in her position, but damn. ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/34 "2016-11-19T18:01:02Z")
I’d have done exactly what the OP done, though maybe not quite so measured. It sounds like both the co-worker and her son need a lot more than just a temporary roof over his head. I don’t know how close OP feels to the co-worker in question in terms of wanting to help her find some support; just turning a blind eye to whatever mess the son’s got himself into isn’t it, and getting involved in any other way sounds like a recipe for more and more trouble. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/35 "2016-11-19T18:14:05Z")
I’m trying to wrap my brain around why a coworker would ask the OP for such an inappropriate favor and why the OP would even second guess refusing it. > [@astro](#): > > Don’t get fluffed up about it. Your answer was fine. A desperate parent who needs to relocate a kid on an emergency basis will naturally cast around to the closest available people she knows, co-workers and friends to house her kid. It’s strange how many people in this thread are reacting to this inquiry almost like some kind of physical affront or incredible request. > > My God, it happens all the time in the real world that people need to deal with these kinds of scenarios, stop being such hothouse flowers. Just say "no I can’t " without the rolleyes and dramaqueenery, they’re not asking you for a kidney. I feel like this is actually a fairly uncommon request. At least how the OP portrayed it. “Do you know anyone looking to rent out a spare room?” is a reasonable ask. “Do YOU want to rent out a spare room…” is not unless you have already established that you are running a B&B. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/36 "2016-11-19T18:23:29Z")
If you feel you have to give an explanation, just say “I doubt that the city statues will let me rent out a room, and I don’t want to break the law.” Not one person in a million will check with the city to see if it’s true. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/37 "2016-11-19T18:28:19Z")
“Ummm, what? You’re kidding, right? Oh, you’re not, well, no.” ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/38 "2016-11-19T18:30:52Z")
Wow **monstro** , you’ve had some doozies for co-workers over the years. ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_Smythe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f04885/32.png) [@Jane\_Smythe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_Smythe)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/39 "2016-11-19T18:35:52Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > You should feel proud of yourself - you were clear, concise, and politely expressed your true feelings. I’d venture that 90% of the drama in people’s lives could be avoided if they were able to consistently do that. > > (And this request screams red flags! “My dysfunctional son can’t get his shit together. Would you like to make him your problem?”) Exactly. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/40 "2016-11-19T18:46:15Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I’m trying to wrap my brain around why a coworker would ask the OP for such an inappropriate favor and why the OP would even second guess refusing it. > > I feel like this is actually a fairly uncommon request. At least how the OP portrayed it. > > “Do you know anyone looking to rent out a spare room?” is a reasonable ask. > > “Do YOU want to rent out a spare room…” is not unless you have already established that you are running a B&B. The desperate mother is doing exactly what I would expect a lower middle class desperate mother who has few other options to do, especially if she’s trying to find a place for her kid to sleep for few days on a few hours notice and does not have the resources for an apartment or hotel. You can always say “no” and that’s what the OP quite properly and politely did, but acting as if this is akin to an incontinent T-Rex barging into the room in terms of being an unusual or ridiculously demanding social faux pas is absurd. It’s obvious a lot of dopers do not have any real connection or understanding of what it’s like to truly live at the margins. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424.md?page=3)