# Coworker asks if her teenaged son can live with you. What do you tell her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 19, 2016, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424 "2016-11-19T15:10:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/61 "2016-11-19T22:52:22Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I think the same thing when people act like this is the **absolute craziest thing they have ever heard of**. When you use hyperbole in a written thread where anyone who can read can see that nobody said anything like that, you come off looking like a nutjob. > [@astro](#): > > I have to think what kind of hot house flower, hermetically sealed lifestyle is it where you are **clutching your pearls in horror** …like a nutjob. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/62 "2016-11-19T23:00:53Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > It is unusual for a mother who makes as much money as this one does. > > She’s currently living with her ex-sister-in-law and her family–which is probably why there isn’t a couch available at her home. **She lives with these people not because she can’t afford rent for place (she makes over $60K), but because she doesn’t want to live alone.** She’s convinced that she can’t hack living by herself. Well, there’s the solution to both of her problems, right there! She can rent an apartment and have her son move into it with her! ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2016, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/63 "2016-11-19T23:15:14Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > When you use hyperbole in a written thread where anyone who can read can see that nobody said anything like that, you come off looking like a nutjob. > > …like a nutjob. > [@](#): > > It’s threads like this that make me wonder about this place sometimes. It’s like some people who come to SDMB live in an alternate dimension or something. > > If a colleague came up to me and asked if their troubled teenage son could move in with me I would be so stunned I’d probably stare at them for a bit, blink and then say “sorry, I may have misheard you there…” Well … when you can recover your wits from being “so stunned” and agog that she dare even ask such transgressive thing let us know. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/64 "2016-11-20T00:18:02Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Well … when you can recover your wits from being “so stunned” and agog that she dare even ask such transgressive thing let us know. who is “us?” 'cos it seems to be just you. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/65 "2016-11-20T00:39:53Z")
I’m married, but if I were single, my response would have been identical to yours, **monstro**. ---
**Author:** ![Oddball\_92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/b3f665/32.png) [@Oddball\_92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oddball_92)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/66 "2016-11-20T01:01:57Z")
I would also vote NO. Just tell the co-worker you are not ready to have anyone living with you. There are so many red flags here. NO. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/67 "2016-11-20T02:54:48Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > **Monstro** had this happen to her, she politely declined the request and came to post her mild surprise at the situation. For that she gets called a judgey drama queen. Even if you work somewhere (homeless shelter, youth home…) where this sort of thing is maybe not that strange, it’s still completely inappropriate to suggest that **Monstro** has some sort of personal flaw for being mildly surprised by a colleague suggesting that she take in their troubled child. It seems to be only one person who’s questioning what monstro did. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/68 "2016-11-20T02:54:40Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The desperate mother is doing exactly what I would expect a lower middle class desperate mother who has few other options to do, especially if she’s trying to find a place for her kid to sleep for few days on a few hours notice and does not have the resources for an apartment or hotel. You can always say “no” and that’s what the OP quite properly and politely did, but acting as if this is akin to an incontinent T-Rex barging into the room in terms of being an unusual or ridiculously demanding social faux pas is absurd. … Really. Saying no? Completely appropropriate and kudos for saying so in a diplomatic manner. Being so judgemental? This request cannot be overlooked? Holding it against her? What the fuck? For whatever reason she thought **monstro** was the kind of person who would help her out, who could be trusted. Weird sometimes how people see someone like that when the other person feels they do not know them at all. If anything it should be flattering if the vibe one gives off says that. I’d have said no also, but get my knickers in a knot over being asked? Far far far from it. Maybe a little sorry for the person that _I’m_ the closest they have to someone who they can trust for such help. That’s sad. But many are living lives like that, without extended family or other social supports. To those who are reacting like the woman making the request came in and vomited on \*\*monstro \*\*, or took a dump in front of her - I’m not a religious person but I’ve been part of congregations anyway. That’s often the sort of extended social support that someone like this might go to, if they were a member of one. As part of that community the call has sometimes gone out for congregants to help another congregational member out in various ways, as if we were extended family. Sometimes to take people new to the community who had no where yet to stay into their homes while they got on their feet. I never personally did that but I know people who did. If any of you are members of congregations of whatever faith and this request was a call out to the congregation for help, maybe the minister, priest, or rabbi knew you had a spare room and asked you on this family’s behalf - would you respond with similar affront? Or just acknowledge, reasonably, that you cannot be quite _that_ charitable right now? ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/69 "2016-11-20T02:56:53Z")
Nope not just one. Because **monstro** is _not_ just expressing mild surprise. Mild surprise? Sure. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/70 "2016-11-20T03:28:23Z")
> [@](#): > > Coworker asks if her teenaged son can live with you. What do you tell her? How much rent can you pay? Seriously, my jaw would probably drop too, but I’ll bet she is just asking everyone, in the hope the casting a wide net will snare something. She may be looking at Craigslist as well. He may not be able to rent in his own name because he has no job or credit history-- you need at least one or the other. She’s going to have to sign on as his guarantor, and she may be hoping his father will take him back in a month or two if he cleans up, so she doesn’t want to sign a 12-month lease. She wants a month-to-month situation. Places like that exist, but they are usually in pretty seedy areas of town, and she may not think he’ll clean up if he’s in those areas. Or, it could be something else entirely. He may need a few months of not living with either parent before he qualifies for some kind of financial aid at a college, or something like a Pell grant. If the OP doesn’t want him, say “No.” That’s the long and short of it. Anything else she might perceive as “Maybe.” “My apartment is too small” might be heard as “Get back to me if I move.” “I can’t do it now” might be heard as “Ask again in another month if you are desperate.” “Even WTF?” might be heard as “I need time to get used to the idea.” “Check Craigslist,” might be heard as “I’m here to help in other ways.” A clean, emotionless “No” is the way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/71 "2016-11-20T07:33:48Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I hear it’s fun to stay at the YMCA. I hear you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/72 "2016-11-20T10:57:12Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > I’d have said no also, but get my knickers in a knot over being asked? Far far far from it. Maybe a little sorry for the person that _I’m_ the closest they have to someone who they can trust for such help. That’s sad. But many are living lives like that, without extended family or other social supports. This is why we said yes to our now ex-housemates. No extended family nor friends in this area other than us, they just lost their house in another state as well as jobs. I initially didn’t want to, but as my husband pointed out, we did have a spare bedroom and we’ll charge them board, which is what we did. The latter is a whole other story, however. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/73 "2016-11-20T12:52:06Z")
“I’m sorry, no. I hope it works out for him.” This is all the response that is required, and all that I would give. mmm ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/74 "2016-11-20T14:46:24Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Really. > > Saying no? Completely appropropriate and kudos for saying so in a diplomatic manner. > > Being so judgemental? This request cannot be overlooked? Holding it against her? What the fuck? Has anyone ever asked you if their troubled son can share a tiny (800 sq ft) house with you, when you don’t know said kid and you only have a formal relationship with the requester? If not, then maybe you can give me a break for being shocked and wondering what combination of bad choices and chaos would cause a middle-class woman of means to stoop to this level. > [@](#): > > For whatever reason she thought **monstro** was the kind of person who would help her out, who could be trusted. Weird sometimes how people see someone like that when the other person feels they do not know them at all. If anything it should be flattering if the vibe one gives off says that. As I’ve repeatedly said, she has no reason to trust me since apart from work, she doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know a single thing about my private life because I don’t talk about it with her–as not only does her personality grate, but she has politics and conspiracy theories that I find unacceptable for a modern-day human being to hold. The only thing she knows is that I’m without any dependents. Since I’m the only coworker in that boat in our unit, I’m guessing I’m the only one she contacted. But perhaps I’m wrong. > [@](#): > > I’d have said no also, but get my knickers in a knot over being asked? Far far far from it. You don’t know what you would have done, so don’t preach to me about what you would have done. My knickers aren’t in a knot, thankyouverymuch. If my knickers had been in a knot, I wouldn’t have been able to speak to her the way I did. I guess I’m a sheltered person. I’m unaccustomed to the dysfunctional families of the middle and upper-middle classes. If I worked at Walmart or McDonald’s, I’d totally understand why a coworker would be desperate like this woman apparently is. But as I said, this woman is not poor or working class. She’s got professional degrees. > [@](#): > > Maybe a little sorry for the person that _I’m_ the closest they have to someone who they can trust for such help. That’s sad. But many are living lives like that, without extended family or other social supports. If your child is that hard to house (dad doesn’t want him, she can’t convince her sister-in-law to give him the couch for a couple of nights, and he’s too precious to bed down at a hotel), then attempting to make him your coworker’s problem is crappy, not to mention stupid. I have never been able to make myself feel sorry for someone. It either happens naturally or it doesn’t. I like this person ok and I have felt sorry for her in the past. But I can’t sympathize with someone who’d make this kind of request without first exploiting other options. And I repeat: She has options! She explicitly told me he was being kicked out of his house on Friday. What is so wrong with her credit card that she can’t put him up in an extended stay hotel for a week until they find something more permanent? Why does asking that question mean I’m Judgey McJudgyface? Let’s say you have a colleague that comes to you and asks if you’ll baby sit their child for the night because they can’t find a babysitter willing to watch him. Wouldn’t you find that request to be odd and nervy? Wouldn’t you judge that person just a little? Wouldn’t you have questions? That’s where I am right now. I’m not about to pin a scarlet letter on Coworker’s chest. But I am weirded out because I’ve always figured someone making a middle class salary should have some protections from this level of desperation. > [@](#): > > To those who are reacting like the woman making the request came in and vomited on \*\*monstro \*\*, or took a dump in front of her - I’m not a religious person but I’ve been part of congregations anyway. That’s often the sort of extended social support that someone like this might go to, if they were a member of one. As part of that community the call has sometimes gone out for congregants to help another congregational member out in various ways, as if we were extended family. Sometimes to take people new to the community who had no where yet to stay into their homes while they got on their feet. I never personally did that but I know people who did. If any of you are members of congregations of whatever faith and this request was a call out to the congregation for help, maybe the minister, priest, or rabbi knew you had a spare room and asked you on this family’s behalf - would you respond with similar affront? Or just acknowledge, reasonably, that you cannot be quite _that_ charitable right now? Do you really not understand how a workplace is NOT the same thing as a church congregation? To wit, this coworker is deeply religious. She knows I’m a not a believer because once she told me, apropos of nothing, that I should believe in Jesus because there were no downsides to believing, but plenty for not believing. I don’t know if she still attends church (she was when she gave me that sermon, which happened a few years ago), but if I were a fellow congregant of hers, I probably would have a totally different reaction. For one thing, I’d know her kid and he would know me, and the two of us would have a network of people who’d help mediate the situation, if things turned out unpleasant. We have none of that in our current relationship. I’m pretty sure our boss isn’t going to get involved if Coworker’s son makes my life unpleasant and Coworker refuses to deal with it. For Coworker not to see this indicates she’s not that bright. I reserve the right to judge people as “not that bright” when that’s what their actions portray. If you can say you have never judged someone the same way, then you’re a special human being. But you’d also be a got-damn liar. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/75 "2016-11-20T15:06:33Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > " My son is getting kicked of his home because of some poor choices he’s made, and he’s going to be homeless if I can’t find him a place to stay." I would have been negative on the situation to start out with, but once I heard this, it would move into the “hell, no” range. He’s 19. He’s an adult. The mom does not need to find him a home, _he_ needs to find him a home. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/76 "2016-11-20T15:22:09Z")
I agree with the above. The “kid” is an adult and therefore, at least in theory, fully capable of hustling himself up his own residence. If he doesn’t even have one buddy or lover who’d shelter him on their couch and neither one of his parents will do it, this is a situation festooned with red flags. He could be pathologically antisocial of the eating food that doesn’t belong to him, punching holes in the wall, leaving the toilet unflushed variety. Or worse. I’d be side-eyeing the mom as well. She sounds like she may be an enabler, which might explain two things: 1) why she’s trying to come his rescue rather than giving him tough love and 2) why he’s not self-sufficient and fucking up bad enough to be homeless now. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/77 "2016-11-20T15:23:36Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > For whatever reason she thought **monstro** was the kind of person who would help her out, who could be trusted. Weird sometimes how people see someone like that when the other person feels they do not know them at all. If anything it should be flattering if the vibe one gives off says that. this goes way beyond “helping someone out.” we’re talking about someone who is: - 19 years old - described as “troubled” - which has led to one parent kicking him out - the other parent doesn’t want him living with her - presumably has no job I’m pretty sure if one of your co-workers came up to you and asked “hey, can you finish raising my kid for me?” You’d be pretty taken aback. 'cos that’s what this amounts to. and then nevermind the kinds of people he might have over. I daresay it wouldn’t take long before **monstro** started having stuff go missing. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/78 "2016-11-20T15:39:35Z")
The request is tantamount to asking a coworker to cosign on their kid’s car loan. A kid who has already demonstrated problems paying their bills. It would require an act of masochistic selfishness to agree to such a thing. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/79 "2016-11-20T16:04:05Z")
I wouldn’t take a well behaved teenager that had their shit together and that was someone i actually knew. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2016, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424/80 "2016-11-20T16:09:29Z")
**monstro** you apparently know her well enough that she “knows” you are an intensely private and quiet person, that you know how much she makes, what her debts and obligations are, “know” exactly why she is living with her ex-sister-in-law and her family, you “know” that she’s “convinced that she can’t hack living by herself” … you apparently know enough about each other that her asking you this was not just enough for you to be “mildly surprised”, or “shocked”, or “wondering”, but that this request cannot “be overlooked”, such an affront to you that you “can’t help but hold this against her” and judge her as “a hot mess” … I certainly do not know anywhere near that much about those who I have only a “formal” working relationship with. I barely know that much about family and close friends. Not even all of my family. And I have only a very few close friends. FWIW you do not know me, and you do not know how I know or do not know what I would have done in a case of being asked for a major favor from someone who I barely know but who saw me as the closest they had to a friend to rely on surprising the shit out of me as I did not see them like that. It has happened and when I said no and did not help (even though theoretically I could have) I felt the way I described. I knew saying no was the rational response but I still felt a little guilty and more than a bit sad for the person that they came to _me_. Bluntly, damn straight you are sheltered and classist if you believe that dysfunctional families and circumstances and hard times are things that only happen to those who work in Walmart and McDonalds. My job gives me windows into lots of families’ lives: dysfunctionality and desperate circumstances and social isolation occur in all economic strata. You can reserve the right to judge people who you claim to not know at all as hot messes and not that bright based on the poor judgement they demonstrated in asking you for a major favor. And yes I reserve the right to judge you for doing that. You posted here. And you got plenty of reassuring affirmation. You don’t like that a couple of us see your polite and diplomatic no as what we’d do, the completely rational response, but your expressed indignation at being asked as a bit pathetic and inappropriate? Too effin bad. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/coworker-asks-if-her-teenaged-son-can-live-with-you-what-do-you-tell-her/772424.md?page=5)