# Crap future X-men movie mutants **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 28, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708 "2003-03-28T04:38:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/21 "2003-03-28T09:18:03Z")
The Sharpener - Pencils within a ten-foot radius never lose their pointiness. Carpentia - Amy Wynn from Trading Spaces, after exposure to a radioactive subfloor, gains the ability to measure things precisely, _with her mind_! The Folder - Able to fold flat things in half. Not, as he likes to remind people, a handy way of keeping your papers together. The Fizzler - Can make soda go flat, instantly… _with his mind_! ---
**Author:** ![Short\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Short\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Short_Guy)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/22 "2003-03-28T09:23:35Z")
[Shameless plug] I actually did a comic on this once: [http://urcult.keenspace.com/d/20021018.html](http://urcult.keenspace.com/d/20021018.html) [/shameless plug] ---
**Author:** ![cankerist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc79bd/32.png) [@cankerist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cankerist)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/23 "2003-03-28T09:29:11Z")
The Widowmaker - unwittingly causes harmless and happily-married family men to suddenly die. The incredible hulk - people don’t like him when he gets really angry. ---
**Author:** ![Fibber\_McGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a6a055/32.png) [@Fibber\_McGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fibber_McGee)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/24 "2003-03-28T13:32:34Z")
LactHarm - Possesses the ability to make other people lactose intolerant. Reversi - Any toast that he drops always lands butter side up. The universe counteracts this contradiction of one of its most basic laws by causing any cats in his presence to land on their heads. The Rewinder - Can rewind videotapes . . . _with his mind!_ The Sampler - Mentally records the words of others and then replays to enhance conversations. Caller ID Dude - Screens his own calls . . . _with his mind!_ ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/25 "2003-03-28T13:50:03Z")
**Un-Bouncing Boy** – Totally unable to bounce at all, under any circumstances **Can’t-Eat-Matter Lad** – completely incapable of ingesting _any_ substance. How he remains alive is a mystery. _That_ outta outdo the “least powerful” members of the Legion of Super-Heroes! ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/26 "2003-03-28T13:55:02Z")
x > [@](#): > > “Filch”-- can teleport any object, up to 1/8 lb. Actually, this might make him quite a bit more powerful than you might expect. Suppose he could teleport a whole bunch of neutrons into the middle of a mass of U-235? See Robert Heinlein’s short story _Operation Nightmare_ for more details… ---
**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/27 "2003-03-28T13:57:55Z")
Angri-La - Can cause people within a ten-foot radius to become unspeakably angry with her. Stink Bug - The power to generate disgusting fumes (not incapacitating or anything. Just disgusting). The Human Mosquito - Able to produce a high pitched whine near your ear that will really annoy you when you’re sleeping. Java Man – Can discern a brew of coffee by smell alone. Disease Man - Able to contract any illness at will. Toe-Broken from Hoboken (“The Toe” for short)- Can fracture any of her own toes _by force of will alone!_ ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/28 "2003-03-28T14:16:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Yumblie \* > \*\*A mutant with the ability to communicate with kitchen appliances. Of course, kitchen appliances typically don’t have much to say, so this mutant wouldn’t be very useful. \*\* I can communicate with kitchen appliances: Can I have some toast please? Sure. Put something rectangluar in here. Great. Is it done yet? No, it’s still white. But hot enough to burn your fingers. When’ll it be done? When this timer runs down. I want it now! Give it back! Stabs with fork. Die, human! BZZT! I’ve translated this a bit. (eg. toaster for ‘put something rectangular here’ is ‘have a hole in the top’) ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/29 "2003-03-28T14:20:56Z")
Regular Guy – can cure constipation. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/30 "2003-03-28T14:24:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by cankerist \* > \*\*Stabilitron - can prevent anything within a 5 foot radius from his location from being sucked into another dimension. \*\* I have that ability. Try to prove me wrong. I propose a superhero with a capacity to file and collate documents near the speed of light. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/31 "2003-03-28T14:25:14Z")
> [@](#): > > Persuader - can force others to yawn without fail, by yawning at them. > [@](#): > > The Fizzler - Can make soda go flat, instantly… with his mind! > [@](#): > > The Shadow - gets taller as the day goes on. These could actually be useful. Yawning in a fight is bad. And it’s not quite soda but if he undissolved oxygen in your blood you’d be dead pretty quick. And the shadow could go round the earth a lot of times in a fast plane and become a giant. In fact, I’d like to start a thread **Superpowers that are cool only when you think about them for a bit** But I like Meta. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/32 "2003-03-28T14:32:30Z")
Keymaster–can pull his car keys out of his pocket, _holding them by the correct key!_ He also has the ability to pull exact change out of his pockets. ---
**Author:** ![caveman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/caveman/32/7242_2.png) [@caveman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveman)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/33 "2003-03-28T14:42:30Z")
That Persuader is mighty powerful! Made me yawn by just reading his name… ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/34 "2003-03-28T14:49:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Terrifel \* > **"Fuzz"–has elemental control over lint** I _ **love** _ this one! You get my vote for Best Silliness. > [@](#): > > **"Jingles"–can get rid of that song running through your head** If anyone has this power, please contact me, IMMEDIATELY! ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/35 "2003-03-28T14:59:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Beelzebubba \* > \*\*The Human Mosquito - Able to produce a high pitched whine near your ear that will really annoy you when you’re sleeping. > \*\* I work with several of these mutants. Unfortunately, they seem to be able to produce nothing _but_ an irritating whine. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/36 "2003-03-28T15:04:47Z")
Captain Tanfastic - has the ability to speed the tanning process in olive-skinned people or instant first degree sunburns in people having that Irish blue-white skin. Mr Fluffy - has the ability to make kittens playful. So far, he’s successfully managed to keep his mutation a secret. Bill Gates - has the ability to induce a BSOD on any computer he can touch. Including Macs. ---
**Author:** ![big\_alex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e56c9b/32.png) [@big\_alex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/big_alex)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/37 "2003-03-28T15:21:54Z")
Itchman - able to make others feel the need to scratch ---
**Author:** ![big\_alex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e56c9b/32.png) [@big\_alex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/big_alex)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/38 "2003-03-28T15:30:44Z")
Big Alex - able to bore people with unfunny, irrelavant and often pointless posts. Also able to get bogged down in grammar and confused with American language, so that she says something that is perfectly innocent but is taken another way. ---
**Author:** ![Simbelmyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Simbelmyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simbelmyne)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/39 "2003-03-28T15:57:54Z")
Woman with a magical costume that repels all cat hair. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/40 "2003-03-28T17:00:38Z")
The Plothole Kid -can deconstruct movies and television programs at superhuman speed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=3)