# Crap future X-men movie mutants **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 28, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708 "2003-03-28T04:38:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![IcicleFuzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ba8739/32.png) [@IcicleFuzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IcicleFuzz)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/41 "2003-03-28T17:07:40Z")
**The Incredible Jerk** - Blessed with the power to annoy the hell out of anyone within half a mile radius. ---
**Author:** ![Simbelmyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Simbelmyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simbelmyne)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/42 "2003-03-28T17:10:58Z")
can continue to drive slowly, slowing all traffic stuck behind him, no matter what amount of psychic pressure is bent upon him. ---
**Author:** ![psiekier](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/psiekier/32/116_2.png) [@psiekier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psiekier)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/43 "2003-03-28T18:45:21Z")
How about **Metor Attractor Boy**. The last time I heard about him was the first time he used his power. ---
**Author:** ![Phelan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Phelan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phelan)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/44 "2003-03-28T22:08:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CalMeacham \* > **Can’t-Eat-Matter Lad** – completely incapable of ingesting _any_ substance. How he remains alive is a mystery. Maybe he’s photosynthetic? ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/45 "2003-03-28T22:28:54Z")
Scott Adams had Dilbert starring as **Boro** , the most boring man in the universe. Like the male version of **Big Alex** , he could bore his date in seconds by regaling her on his boss’s funny confusion of token ring and ethernet. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/46 "2003-03-28T22:47:31Z")
The Red Herring! His only superpower is to make people think he has more superpowers. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/47 "2003-03-28T22:55:05Z")
I read one comic book once that had a character with the ability to blow up with the strength of some super-duper powerful bomb. She said that she could only use it once… ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_of\_the\_CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/58956e/32.png) [@Earl\_of\_the\_CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_of_the_CC)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/48 "2003-03-28T23:23:10Z")
The Estimator- Has that ability that Dustin Hoffman’s character has in Rain Man of counting stuff really really fast, except not always perfectly accurate. Also can estimate about how many inches or centimeteres an object is just by looking. The Man of Milk- Ability to keep milk from spoiling. Elitist Movie Bastard Man- Thanks to his abilities, he has both seen, and hated, every movie ever created. Athletic Supporter Man- Has psychic ability to freeze motion. But only if the thing in motion is a baseball. And only if it’s about to hit someone in the nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Simbelmyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Simbelmyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simbelmyne)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/49 "2003-03-28T23:32:08Z")
Can obliquely insult others without saying anything directly. ---
**Author:** ![SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceGhostofArrakis)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2003, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/50 "2003-03-28T23:45:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DreadCthulhu \* > The Paper- can make origami cranes that fly and give you nasty paper cuts. Already done. [Papercut](http://www.wellsvilleusa.com/petepics.html) was a villian on \* The Adventures of Pete & Pete\*. He’s the first “foe”. ---
**Author:** ![AtomicDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@AtomicDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AtomicDog)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/51 "2003-03-29T00:03:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Yumblie \* > \*\*A mutant with the ability to communicate with kitchen appliances. Of course, kitchen appliances typically don’t have much to say, so this mutant wouldn’t be very useful. \*\* “Would you like some nice buttery toast today? How about some scones? A muffin perhaps? Hello? Hello?” ---
**Author:** ![Number](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/number/32/242_2.png) [@Number](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Number)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/52 "2003-03-29T04:08:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AtomicDog \* > \*\*“Would you like some nice buttery toast today? How about some scones? A muffin perhaps? Hello? Hello?” \*\* “We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns. And definitely no smegging flapjacks!” ---
**Author:** ![Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/73ab20/32.png) [@Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caesar_s_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/53 "2003-03-29T05:19:16Z")
I’m bad with superhero names so put your own before the abilities 🙂 Can mess up people’s hair, like, really badly. The ability to travel back or forward in time by exactly one second. The ability to tell exactly how much memory is in a computer instantly Anti-Jingles can get any song stuck in your head, even if it hasn’t got a catchy beat Someone who can instantly see everyone’s memories as if they were his/her own for a moment, and can’t control their power. (Think about it, you’d become sympathetic to villains and hate your best friends and so on.) ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/54 "2003-03-29T05:33:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simbelmyne \* > \*\*Can obliquely insult others without saying anything directly. \*\* Oh, yeah, that _exactly_ the level of creativity I’ve come to expect from you. ---
**Author:** ![AtomicDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@AtomicDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AtomicDog)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/55 "2003-03-29T05:41:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Number \* > \*\*“We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns. And definitely no smegging flapjacks!” \*\* “Oh, a waffle man, eh?” ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/56 "2003-03-29T06:30:53Z")
Recall – remembers absolutely EVERYTHING that he ever saw, heard, felt, smelled, tasted, thought, or experienced in any way whatsoever. As a result, he’s pretty much paralyzed by: a total inability to make generalizations, since he remembers ALL the exceptions extreme difficulty understanding the whole concept of “time”, because every moment of his life is as vivid as this instant total emotional burnout, because he’s always experiencing the full effect of all his best and worst memories at once ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/57 "2003-03-29T07:09:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Caesar’s Ghost \* > \*\* > The ability to travel back or forward in time by exactly one second. > \*\* Actually, this could possibly be useful in a fight. If you get hit, or shot, or stabbed, instantly go back a second and dodge really quickly. Repeat until you win or get away. ---
**Author:** ![cankerist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc79bd/32.png) [@cankerist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cankerist)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/58 "2003-03-29T15:21:35Z")
This all reminds me too much of the scene in “Mystery Men” when they are auditioning asipring superheros to join their elite cadre of crimefrighters. That movie just cracks me down every time. lol Bateman - the ability to discern the brand of any item of clothing worn by an enemy. Man-man - the ability to wear tights and a cape and not have his sexuality questioned (a la ‘bruce wayne’ and ‘dick’ grayson) ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/59 "2003-03-29T16:07:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Caesar’s Ghost \* > \*\*I’m bad with superhero names so put your own before the abilities 🙂 > \*\* What do you think of these names Can mess up people’s hair, like, really badly: **The Tousler**. The ability to travel back or forward in time by exactly one second: **Mr. Hip Hop**. The ability to tell exactly how much memory is in a computer instantly: **Memorex** (Okay, there _might_ be trademark problems here 🙂 ). Anti-Jingles can get any song stuck in your head, even if it hasn’t got a catchy beat: **Sing-Song**. Someone who can instantly see everyone’s memories as if they were his/her own for a moment, and can’t control their power: **Sympathico**. Now one of my own: **Speedthru** : infallibly picks the quickest lane, whether in the supermarket or on a multi-lane road. _Yes_ **Cankerist** , this is exactly like _Mystery Men_ (liked that one, too). Only this time we can play, too. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/60 "2003-03-29T16:10:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by cankerist \* > **Bateman - the ability to discern the brand of any item of clothing worn by an enemy.** Didn’t get this one at first, but on review: ROTFL! And yes, how _did_ he do that? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=4)