# Crap future X-men movie mutants **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 28, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708 "2003-03-28T04:38:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/61 "2003-03-29T16:25:29Z")
**The Lash** : Has superstrong eyelashes **Neurotica** : has the ability to make really harmless things seem more dangerous (like pieces of tape or chair cushions). **The Humdinger** : can make others feel better by making things seem more impressive. In reality, he actually IS impressed by everything, even stuff he’s seen 1000 times, like his own feet. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/62 "2003-03-29T16:35:11Z")
There’s an SF book series call ‘Wild Cards’ where an alien virus infects Earth. IIRC 90 percent of the people who get it die horribly, the other 9 or so percent become grossly physically mutated (called jokers), but a lucky few get super-powers (aces). Some people get really minor, useless powers, and I think they were called deuces. This thread reminded me of that. ---
**Author:** ![Phelan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Phelan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phelan)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/63 "2003-03-29T20:35:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TTT \* > \*\*What do you think of these names > > Can mess up people’s hair, like, really badly: The Tousler\*\*. Or how about \*\* The Hair-asser?\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Number](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/number/32/242_2.png) [@Number](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Number)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/64 "2003-03-29T21:45:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Phelan \* > **Or how about \*\* The Hair-asser?** \*\* No, his power is to make hair grow in inconvenient places. ---
**Author:** ![Hometownboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5e9695/32.png) [@Hometownboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hometownboy)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/65 "2003-03-30T02:50:57Z")
One power I have prayed for… **MINDMELT** – Can instantly melt through speaker wire from a distance of hundreds of yards \* with his mind!\* ---
**Author:** ![Fibber\_McGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a6a055/32.png) [@Fibber\_McGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fibber_McGee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/66 "2003-03-30T04:15:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SpaceGhostofArrakis \* > \*_Already done. [Papercut](http://www.wellsvilleusa.com/petepics.html) was a villian on \* The Adventures of Pete & Pete_. He’s the first “foe”. \*\* There was also a character in the Wild Cards novels called Lazy Dragon, who could animate and possess oragami sculptures, though his powers are a bit different as he transforms oragami animals into full-sized representation of those animals. ---
**Author:** ![sciguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/67 "2003-03-30T04:33:52Z")
**Waitasec** : The ability to come up with a blistering insult that would make his enemies slink off in shame, but only after he’s already used a really lame one. **The 'Nizer** : Can sense when CD’s are in the wrong jewel cases. **Shinter** : Able to find furniture in complete darkness using only his legs and toes. He also has a very large vocabulary of curse words. **Hollow Leg** : Has an oversized bladder. The master of dragging on business meetings. **Coffee Ninja** : Is able to finish off a pot of coffee and sneak out of the kitchen without starting a new pot and not be caught by co-workers. **Spot** : Can discolor a one-inch diameter area of any surface. ---
**Author:** ![irkenDoom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c2a13f/32.png) [@irkenDoom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irkenDoom)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/68 "2003-03-30T04:39:12Z")
**The Popper** possesses the uncanny ability to drop exactly two pills from a bottle, _every single time!_ **Tight Squeeze** does a really, really nice job parallel parking. And there’s **The Letch** , who can literally undress you with his eyes. ---
**Author:** ![Skydive101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f07891/32.png) [@Skydive101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skydive101)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/69 "2003-03-30T04:41:53Z")
**Humpback Jones** - Can instantly summon a humpback whale to appear 1 foot above his own head. **The Shield** - Can shrink and transmogrify body into the shape of a condom. **The Whittler** - Can mentally carve a small block of wood into any shape he desires. **Joe Sandwich** - Can attract all zombies in a 1000 mile radius to his location. ---
**Author:** ![irkenDoom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c2a13f/32.png) [@irkenDoom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irkenDoom)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/70 "2003-03-30T04:53:13Z")
**The UnTangler** can wind the gnarled mess of magnetic tape back into its cassette, _with his mind!_ **The DeScrambler** can get HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, and Pay-per-View Porn, free, _with his mind!_ ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/71 "2003-03-30T05:08:46Z")
**Lysolstrata** - Kills 99.9% of bacteria, mold, mildew and viruses on most household surfaces - _with her mind_. **The Jiggler** - Can stop a running toilet from 50 feet away by using telekinetic powers to jiggle the handle. **Mr. Salty** - Can make food taste saltier without having to put salt on it. **Baconia** - Can instantly link any actor to Kevin Bacon in six movies or less. ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/72 "2003-03-30T07:09:54Z")
**The Cucumber Kid** – when eating crappy fast food hamburgers that have but a single pickle slice as the sole topping, he can get the pickle on the first bite, \* every time!\* ---
**Author:** ![El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Elvis_Rojo)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/73 "2003-03-30T13:02:21Z")
**The Spider?** Can make people suddenly walk into an invisibly thin, yet utterly annoying spider web whenever in public (like, in the parking lot at Wal-Mart). ---
**Author:** ![Simbelmyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Simbelmyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simbelmyne)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/74 "2003-03-30T16:50:21Z")
If strangers intrude into his personal space or touch him without permission (like public transportation) spike spring out of his costume and enforce his personal space. ---
**Author:** ![Lucki\_Chaarms](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lucki\_Chaarms](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucki_Chaarms)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/75 "2003-03-30T18:35:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Enderw24 \* > \*\ ***Meta** - a mutant with the ability to turn normal people into mutants, but their only ability would be the ability to turn other people into mutants. \*\* Owwww. My brain hurts now… how would they know that they were mutants? I mean… uhhh. Owww. LC ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/76 "2003-03-31T05:48:55Z")
But **Sing-Song** (the anti-Jingles) could get a powerful job in advertising/the music industry/marketing or just work for ClearChannel Radio. So I guess he’s a villain. **The Fecal Finger of Fate** - Able to give a stinkpalm (no offense to the real **Stinkpalm** ) to anyone within arm’s reach by touching them with the tip of his finger. **The Punderkind** - Able to make bad puns and weak innuendos out of any statement, no matter how bland or banal. **Mr. Smooth** - Able to pick up unattached, drunk women in singles bars, but only after last call. Assisted by his sidekick, **Wingman** , who distracts the companions of Mr. Smooth’s intended target. Green Grocer Gertie - Able to find the freshest fruits or vegetables in supermarket produce sections - _with her mind_. Her weakness: genetically altered foods. Captain Owie - Able to set off people’s “funny bones” in their elbows but only if they are behind him or are in his peripheral vision. ---
**Author:** ![FabioClone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5f8ce5/32.png) [@FabioClone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FabioClone)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/77 "2003-03-31T06:26:31Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally Posted by Kat_ > The ability to differentiate butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” by taste. Such a mutant would inevitably be my arch-nemesis. His or her career would be a short one. Personally, I nominate **8 Ball** - Can generate a random response to any question, provided the query is in the form of a yes/no question. Has a drug problem. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/78 "2003-03-31T08:15:56Z")
**Loogie** - Can spit small wads of phlegm with pinpoint accuracy. Can be useful at times, but grosses out the other mutants at the academy. ---
**Author:** ![cankerist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc79bd/32.png) [@cankerist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cankerist)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/79 "2003-03-31T09:06:55Z")
TTT - thanks for noticing! I don’t know how he does it either - he has skills beyond us mere mortals I guess. The Green Lantern - has a little green glow emanating from his hands which can illuminate dark places with a faint ambient greenness. Mr. Pierce - has an annoyingly high-pitched modulating siren/alarm which goes off randomly or when people bump him. Radioactive man - is extremely radioactive and no fun to be around. Cap’n Pimp - Has a super-sized right hand fo ‘bitch-slappin’ (From “Doggie Fizzle Televizzle” MWTV). Reflecto Boy with his amazing permanently-attached mirror glasses to hide the direction of his eyes and generally unnerve his foes (state trooper style). ---
**Author:** ![cankerist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc79bd/32.png) [@cankerist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cankerist)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/80 "2003-03-31T09:10:22Z")
AtomicDog - Nice call! “Alright, state your name and power.” “I am The Waffler. With my Griddle of Justice, I bash the enemy in the head, or I burn them like so.” “Ooo, don’t do that.” “I also have, uh, my Truth Syrup, which, uh, is low-fat. And I’ve been working on a theme song. Kind of a- Waffle Maaaaan! Chigga Chigga Chigga Chigga … and I’m running, running like this. The Waffler! Gold and crispy! Bad guys are history! Yow! Chigachigachiga, and I’m running, you know, just think about it. Do you have a- a health plan, by the way? Maybe dental, eye?” “Next.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=5)