# Crap future X-men movie mutants **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 28, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708 "2003-03-28T04:38:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/81 "2003-03-31T13:15:40Z")
> [@](#): > > Radioactive man - is extremely radioactive and no fun to be around. Don’t laugh - A GM firnd of mine once wound up with a player who randomly rolled an RPG character with permanent transformation into living Plutonium! He had his own personal car which he drove by taking off a shoe and sticking his foot into the boiler. He legally had to wear a radiation confinement suit at all times. ---
**Author:** ![Simbelmyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Simbelmyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simbelmyne)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/82 "2003-03-31T18:29:24Z")
his six pack is so impressive that everyone seeing them falls under the power of his indomitable will. _Secret weakness: Donuts and beer._ ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/83 "2003-03-31T21:10:38Z")
How about: **The Muter** - able to mute commercials…_with his mind!_ **The Kink** - knows his date’s, uh, preferences…_with his mind!_ (lord knows, most men never figure this one out) **Fastlane** - of European descent, able to move drivers out of the far left lane enabling him to go however fast he wants, regardless of traffic. Okay - maybe that should be a legitimate power - I would sure as heck want it. **Mr. Ripe** - can detect whether any fruit or veggie is ready to eat…_with his mind!_ or **Mr. Ripe** - can detect whether a baby’s diaper needs changing…_with his mind!_ All for now… PS: this reminds me of Christopher Walken’s Saturday Night Live skit “Ed Schlosser: Trivial Psychic”. ---
**Author:** ![Fiat\_Lux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ea666f/32.png) [@Fiat\_Lux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiat_Lux)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/84 "2003-03-31T21:19:36Z")
**Captain Reliable** : Always turns up _exactly_ five minutes late ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/85 "2003-03-31T21:57:29Z")
**Pairwise** - Can do anybody’s laundry and never lose a single sock. **Ad-voider** - Can switch channels during a commercial and always come back just as the show is starting up again. ---
**Author:** ![buckgully](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb9ed0/32.png) [@buckgully](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buckgully)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/86 "2003-03-31T22:33:35Z")
**Ghost Sponge** Is possesed by the ghost of a sponge he loved as a child, who has granted him all the wisdom of the 7 sponge kingdoms. **The Log** Is a log, and just sits there. The other superheroes are too embarrased to ask anyone else if it’s a superhero or just a log, so they all just pretend it’s supposed to be there. **Screechy Baby** Looks like a baby, capable of an earsplitting screech that can make diners cringe and waiters forget orders. **The Oblivious Pair** Parents to Screechy Baby. Their power is that they are incapable of hearing SB’s screech or noticing the annoyed stares of those around them. **Mr. Cellular** Knows what’s being said on the other half of any phone conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/87 "2003-03-31T22:40:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fiat Lux \* > \*\ ***Captain Reliable** : Always turns up _exactly_ five minutes late \*\* Cool! My uncle is a superhero! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/88 "2003-03-31T22:56:16Z")
**Divisia** : able to divide herself into an exact carbon copy, the better to “team up” with herself to defeat supervillains. Weakness: unable to recombine into singular form; already did the division once, long ago. In the womb, actually. Really just a pair of twins when you get right down to it. **Captain Johnson** : is a commissioned officer in the United States Army. Powers: outranks **Lieutenant Martinez**. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/89 "2003-04-04T15:16:34Z")
The Lactator - well… you know … and _lots_ of it on demand! Was last seen working the Starbucks counter. The Annoytrix - whatever the most obnoxious or socially awkard thing to do or say in any given situation will be immediately apparent to her and she will initiate that behavior. The Trouser Snake - has 3 foot long, semi-intelligent prehensile penis able to do his bidding, but use of power so disgusts people he has to wear baggy pants, and only job he can keep is as a tele-commuting C++ programmer. Dr. Pre-Cog- can look into the future tell what is going to happen, but can only see 5 seconds ahead. The Slug - When danger threatens he can exude a thick and slippery slime from his skin at will. Rooms with the Trouser Snake. ---
**Author:** ![Labor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Labor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labor)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/90 "2003-04-04T15:29:01Z")
**Captain Spirit** - promotes school spirit throughout the land. **Mr. Spill** - always leaves a ring of coffee on the counter after pouring a cup. **Actual Wife** - able to find fault in any domestic plan. I hope that didn’t get too personal. ---
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/91 "2003-04-04T15:57:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Terrifel \* > \*\*“Jingles”–can get rid of that song running through your head > \*\* I don’t know what his/her name would be, but the person with the opposite power, who can CAUSE a song to begin running through your head, would be awesome! “Surrender! Or you’ll never stop hearing ‘Muskrat Love’ as long as you live!” (Now, don’t post and blame me for what you’re hearing in your head. I woke up this morning with ‘Hokey Pokey’ playing full volume in my head–in Chinese. Top that!) ---
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/92 "2003-04-04T16:08:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NoCoolUserName \* > **I don’t know what his/her name would be** OK, I gotta read ALL the posts before I put mine in. I was distracted by the music. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/93 "2003-04-04T16:56:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simbelmyne \* > \*\*If strangers intrude into his personal space or touch him without permission (like public transportation) spike spring out of his costume and enforce his personal space. \*\* But wouldn’t that be USEFUL? Since the bad guy would get impaled… ---
**Author:** ![Squange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/838e76/32.png) [@Squange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squange)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/94 "2003-04-04T17:18:01Z")
how about: **The Stump:** Able to make his hands and feet fall off instantly…once. **Dr. Mild:** Able to make any food within 5 feet taste exactly like lukewarm wheatina. **Non-Sequitor Girl:** Uncontrollably mentions things that have absolutely nothing to do with the current situation. **The Amazing Corpse:** Can quietly fall over dead at will. ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/95 "2003-04-04T17:24:07Z")
**The Humidore** , able to break out in a sweat with the slightest effort. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/96 "2003-04-04T19:09:21Z")
The Dribbler – instantly turns ordinary glasses into dribble glasses – with his mind! Lacto-Master: unlike Lactator, the Lacto Master is male, and his power is to make all women in a 1 mile radius lactate – not copiously, just enough to stain their bras and shirts and be really annoying. Tinnitus Man: Can hear when other people’s ears are ringing. ---
**Author:** ![bong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@bong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bong)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/97 "2003-04-04T19:17:34Z")
Wo-Man: Is a woman. Who’s a MAN! ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/98 "2003-04-04T19:23:49Z")
> [@](#): > > Actually, this could possibly be useful in a fight. If you get hit, or shot, or stabbed, instantly go back a second and dodge really quickly. Repeat until you win or get away. Nah. people just can’t react and move that fast. By the time they’d figured out that he should go back in time its too late. ---
**Author:** ![dweezil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@dweezil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dweezil)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/99 "2003-04-04T19:26:20Z")
A friend and I did this once. I remember a few: **Super-Bounce Ball** : bounces around the room uncontrollably for a few seconds until he gets lost under a piece of furniture. **The Electric-Slide** : can force groups of people to start line dancing at will. **Invertebrate Man** : not really a power, so much. Had some young ward to cart him around strapped to a hand truck. Could be flung at enemies. **The Postman** : a villain who’s unnaturally disgruntled and surly. ---
**Author:** ![dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorkusmalorkusmafia/32/7266_2.png) [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/100 "2003-04-04T20:07:44Z")
> [@](#): > > The Letch, who can literally undress you with his eyes. Batman wouldn’t stand a chance against him. “Hahahahah Batman, looks like you are without your utility belt now.” “Holy trouser snakes Batman. I haven’t seen you shriveled up like that since Mr Freeze dumped you in the cold pond.” Batman, of course, slinks off in shame sans utility belt. Australian Man. He can replace any condiments on your sandwiches to vegemite with his mind. “Hey, I thought I put mustard on my sandwich!” 411 - can instantly recall numbers of people and businesses with his mind. The Hosernator - his penis can tie itself in a knot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=6)