# Crap future X-men movie mutants **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 28, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708 "2003-03-28T04:38:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/121 "2003-04-06T06:36:33Z")
> [@](#): > > I_Originally posted by Eats\_Crayons_ > \*\*Internal Clock - wakes you up ten minutes before your alarm is supposed to go off. \*\* This is my mother. I always wondered how she does it (It’s not like I call her up to tell her what time I set my alarm for.), and here it turns out it was a super power. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Satisfying Andy Licious_ > **The Humin Tawch: Can wrap his body in flame, but only in the Bronx.** Andy, I think I love you. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/122 "2003-04-06T15:36:07Z")
Flatulatus - able to stop hearts with a single fart. ---
**Author:** ![rexnervous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@rexnervous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rexnervous)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/123 "2003-04-06T16:22:40Z")
**Vlad the Impala** - able to morph instantaneously into a blood-sucking antelope, but is unfortunately terrified of anything that moves and prances away at rapid speed And the triplets… **Bi-ronic Man** - Has the strength of a machine, but only when picking up men at orgies **B-ironic Man** - Can expound with the strength of a machine on the ironies of B vitamins **Byronic Man** - Can recite at will any of the early nineteenth century romantic poems, with the strength of a machine. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/124 "2003-04-06T16:47:14Z")
**Debugger** - Ability to spot syntax errors (and just syntax errors) at nearly the speed of light. **Lurker** - Ignored, unnoticed, unheeded until the Lurker suddenly unlurks and produces a post of such prose and well-augmented arugments that everyone stand dazzled! **The Living Complier** - Ability to analyse source code within a quick period of time and predict the output accurately! **The Obusfcator** - Make any sentence virtually unreadable. **Lagmare** - His presence causes all network in a 1 km sphere around him to lag. **Photocopier** - Gifted with the ability to create illusions, but only in black and white ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/125 "2003-04-06T17:15:15Z")
**Letter Man** - Can take any letter that happens to be on his varsity sweater that day, and use it to change objects into other things by respelling their names! Arch enemy: The Spell Binder. No, wait … that’s already been done. ---
**Author:** ![Charybdas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Charybdas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charybdas)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/126 "2003-04-06T19:54:45Z")
**The Auditor** - Can cause mega-corporations to implode with just his trusty adding machine. **The Cuisinarte** - He slices, he dices… And my favorite from the TICK **Multiple Santa!** ---
**Author:** ![McDuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@McDuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McDuff)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2003, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/127 "2003-04-06T23:41:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by rexnervous \* > **Vlad the Impala** - able to morph instantaneously into a blood-sucking antelope, but is unfortunately terrified of anything that moves and prances away at rapid speed AH!!! I spot plagiarism, right there! And I happen to know because I was standing next to the originator of this pun when he made it up. We then told someone else, who put it on Spinnwebbe as a caption, and I can only assume that this is where you have got it from! Damn. The speed these things spread across the internet. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2003, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/128 "2003-04-07T03:44:20Z")
You sure Vlad wasn’t a **Chevrolet** Impala? ---
**Author:** ![ChaosGod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ac91a4/32.png) [@ChaosGod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChaosGod)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2003, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/129 "2003-04-07T04:06:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AzRaek \* > \*\*His alternate name? **Amway** \*\* 😃 😃 😃 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2003, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/130 "2003-04-07T07:42:40Z")
> [@](#): > > **Gazebo Boy:** He has the power to turn into a gazebo, and back again! Of course, in gazebo form, he just sits there, so he’s not very useful when it comes to fighting evil, but he’s **great** at weddings and outdoor parties. \*\* And works against dumb fighters who think the Gazebo is a monster… [http://www.opentechsupport.net/forums/archive/topic/3132.html](http://www.opentechsupport.net/forums/archive/topic/3132.html) ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2003, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/131 "2003-04-07T09:56:59Z")
**Spud Eye** - She can telepathically see through the eyes of any uncooked potatos within 500 feet of her. Unfortunately, she mostly gets telepathic images of root cellars, backyard gardens, and the undersides of kitchen sinks. **The Sedimentary Scourge** - Can transform into a living being composed of any sedimentary rock…only very slowly over the course of thousands of years. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/132 "2003-04-08T00:23:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Juniper200 \* > \*\*Andy, I think I love you. \*\* Wow! I just turned into The Incredible Blushing Man! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2003, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/133 "2003-04-08T02:33:03Z")
**Reverse X-Ray Man** - He can see through solid lead, but nothing else. ---
**Author:** ![wierdo203](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f14d63/32.png) [@wierdo203](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wierdo203)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/134 "2003-04-09T02:12:05Z")
**Psyence:** Projects a supernatural field, six feet in radius, centered on his center of gravity, that stops all supernatural phenemon within itself. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/135 "2003-04-09T17:59:09Z")
Snce his anti-supernatural-phenomenon field is supernatural, would it also stop itself? ---
**Author:** ![wierdo203](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f14d63/32.png) [@wierdo203](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wierdo203)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2003, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/136 "2003-04-09T21:49:43Z")
That’s the point of the joke. ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/137 "2003-04-10T04:01:26Z")
**The Credible Hulk** - an overweight man with a bad complexion and anger management problems. When angered, he doesn’t become completely irrational, but he _does_ lose the ability to conjugate verbs. **Occultor** - has the ability to extinguish streetlamps by walking under them. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/138 "2003-04-10T18:04:06Z")
I’m surprised no one has used these yet: The Invisible Man — His entire body is transparent to light. Since this includes his retinas, he is totally blind. (On the bright side, he can’t be detected by enemies… unless he’s clothed… or dirty… or wet… or has a full bladder… or has recently eaten… or is carrying something… or if it’s raining or foggy or there’s a lot of dust in the air.) The Ghost — Has the ability to pass through solid objects. First discovered this power as a teen, when he fell uncontrollably through the solid mass of the Earth and died of suffocation a few minutes later. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/139 "2003-04-10T18:39:49Z")
This thread needs some Brunching Shuttlecock links. Here’s their suggested [Unsuspected Superpowers](http://www.brunching.com/superpowers.html). And whoever it was who suggested **Gaydar** might enjoy [this](http://www.brunching.com/gaydar.html). My own offerings: **The Zapper** – able to fry insects upon contact. **The Clapper** – able to turn off any lights in the same room by clapping. **The Slapper** – Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (sorry – small UK joke there) ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/140 "2003-04-10T22:09:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jr8 \* > And whoever it was who suggested **Gaydar** might enjoy [this](http://www.brunching.com/gaydar.html). Not to mention the old (but sadly not archived) article in _The Onion_ titled, “I Have This Amazing Blackdar.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=8)