# Crap future X-men movie mutants **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 28, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708 "2003-03-28T04:38:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![ChaosGod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ac91a4/32.png) [@ChaosGod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChaosGod)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2003, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/141 "2003-04-10T22:26:59Z")
**Strawman** - Able to defeat any theory he proposes ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/142 "2003-04-11T01:25:14Z")
I used to be an avid player of _Champions: The Super Hero Role Playing Game_. I have a stack of _Champions_ characters over an inch thick which I’ve concocted over the years. Some of my less-inspired creations included:[ul][li] **Ice Cube** - He has all the powers of an ice cube. Because he _is_ an ice cube. An _evil_ ice cube! With his evil henchman, Spatula, he faces down his arch-nemeses Rubber Band and Bowling Ball.[/li][li] **Levis** - A rules maven once commented that 1 DEF armor was the equivalent of wearing 4 pairs of Levis blue jeans at the same time. So, this character wears **200** pairs of Levis at the same time! Sure, this makes gives him 50 DEF armor, but it makes it awfully hard for him to walk.[/li] **Offensive Ego Combat Value Woman** - Her OECV is 23, so she’ll never miss when she attacks someone with one of her mental powers. Unfortunately, she doesn’t **have** any mental powers – but if she ever did, whoo boy, watch out![/ul] ---
**Author:** ![cankerist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bc79bd/32.png) [@cankerist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cankerist)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/143 "2003-04-11T04:08:14Z")
Thanks jr8. The link was wikkid funny! Actually my “Gaydar” post was ripped off an old SNL live script. :: hangs head in mock shame:: ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/144 "2003-04-11T05:14:57Z")
Then there’s **Spoiler Man.** He … shoulda used a spoiler, man. ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/145 "2003-04-11T13:59:26Z")
Ten-Eyed Man was pretty funny. But what the hell is “female billiards”? **Continence** – He never has to go to the bathroom. _Ever._ **Superglue** – Has the power to stick to any surface, but not to unstick. Has been on a wall in Des Moine, Iowa since 1964. **Gender Bender** – Looks good in either a tuxedo or a frock; can use any public restroom. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/146 "2003-04-12T23:08:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Baldwin \* > **Continence** – He never has to go to the bathroom. _Ever._ I think Batman had the same problem. You never saw him go to the bathroom, did you? (Dave Barry wonders if that’s why Batman is always grimacing.) ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/147 "2003-04-13T00:52:35Z")
**Explosive Man** : Can cause his body to explode in a blast equivalent to ten tons of TNT. However, he can only do it once. ---
**Author:** ![captainQwark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@captainQwark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/captainQwark)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/148 "2003-04-13T01:09:23Z")
That meatwad character is actually a character on the cartoon network show “teen hunger force.” ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/149 "2003-04-13T02:30:35Z")
**Duh Mindreader** : Telepathetic – can read the minds of dumb people. **I Run Man** : Can run 30 mph on train tracks. **The Greaser** : Can, at will, exude butter from the soles of his feet. **Superfly** : Can catch any housefly within three feet of him. **Chat-tel** : Can send text to Messenger clients by mindpower alone. No receiving abilities, alas. **Hep-mo-tizer** : Can precisely replicate any Keb Mo song. I would say _ **The Visible Man** : can turn his skin translucent at will_, but I think that one’s been done. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/150 "2003-04-13T03:17:40Z")
And leave us not forget **Yuda Man!** He excels at cheering for athletes. ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/151 "2003-04-13T03:31:54Z")
**Mr. Nice Guy** - His power naturally makes people like him. Not enough that villans won’t still try to kill him, but they’ll feel kind of bad afterwards. **Sketch** - Has the ability to create photo-realistic drawings, but only of things she’s looking at right then. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/152 "2003-04-17T00:29:30Z")
**Mister Fusion** - If you put any hydrogen-based compounds into him – beer, banana peels, whatever – he has the power to turn them into an ear-pleasing blend of jazz and rock music. ---
**Author:** ![rexnervous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@rexnervous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rexnervous)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/153 "2003-04-17T02:10:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by McDuff \* > \*\*AH!!! I spot plagiarism, right there! > > And I happen to know because I was standing next to the originator of this pun when he made it up. We then told someone else, who put it on Spinnwebbe as a caption, and I can only assume that this is where you have got it from! > > Damn. The speed these things spread across the internet. \*\* Actually, sorry to burst your bubble, but it came to me of my own accord. It’s like one of those synchronicity things. ---
**Author:** ![WonTon\_Sean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/54ee81/32.png) [@WonTon\_Sean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WonTon_Sean)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/154 "2003-04-17T05:49:36Z")
The Sissyfighter - Fights crime with a barrage of slaps Captain Bigmouth - Unable to keep any secrets Sgt. Beef Hardrock Killbody - Greatest living male ballet dancer The Human Zit - Able to pop pimples on enemies from a distance of 14 feet The Incredible Sulk - Sits in his room, crying softly Pentasense - Able to discern color by smell, can hear if a penny lands heads up or down from 300 feet away. (note: can only use senses for lame, bar trick type things) ---
**Author:** ![dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorkusmalorkusmafia/32/7266_2.png) [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/155 "2003-04-17T15:40:16Z")
Captain Bigmouth has been done. His real name was the Riddler and he was a pretty big DC Comics villain for batman. Read about him at seanbaby’s website. ---
**Author:** ![c\_goat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@c\_goat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/c_goat)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/156 "2003-04-17T19:48:29Z")
**Mr. Naughty** - Knows if people he meets have had naked pictures taken of themselves. **The Goatee** - Has a goatee that can’t be shaven off, plucked, waxed, dyed, or removed in any other manner. People think he’s evil but he’s not. Often seen with **Sideburns**. **Sir Mix-a-lot** - Likes big butts. Cannot lie. ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/157 "2003-04-18T01:24:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by astro \* > \*\* > > The Trouser Snake - has 3 foot long, semi-intelligent prehensile penis able to do his bidding, but use of power so disgusts people he has to wear baggy pants, and only job he can keep is as a tele-commuting C++ programmer. > \*\* They already made a movie about this guy… > [@](#): > > [Badmovies.org](http://www.badmovies.org/movies/soulvengeance/index.html) > Characters: > > Charles - Trying to go straight after spending three years in prison, but first he wants to strangle a couple of people with his giant prehensile penis ---
**Author:** ![Emperor\_Penguin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c2a13f/32.png) [@Emperor\_Penguin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emperor_Penguin)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/158 "2003-04-18T01:28:28Z")
Oops…nForgot the name of the movie. [Soul Vengeance](http://us.imdb.com/Title?0073735) a.k.a. **Welcome Home Brother Charles** ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/159 "2003-04-18T06:27:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WonTon Sean \* > **The Human Zit - Able to pop pimples on enemies from a distance of 14 feet** Unfortunately, that too has been done already. In the _E-Man_ comic book, they had a villain group called the F-Men, led by Ford Fairmont. The F-Men was, surprise surprise, a parody of the X-Men. One of their characters was **Zitpops** – the pimples on his face were constantly and uncontrollably popping, with devastating force, and the only thing that could keep them in check was his ruby-begonia face shield. He was expected to lose his power at age 30. They also had:[ul][li] **Clodhoppus** , who could turn into organic concrete;[/li][li] **Kitty Porn** , who walked into walls, and sometimes even walked through them; and[/li] **Weasel** , who’s the best there is at what he does, but what he does he doesn’t really know. (He also has petulantium fangs that _snikt_ out of his upper gums.)[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calredic)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708/160 "2003-04-18T11:39:50Z")
**Super-Stretch** – Can extend any part of his body as far as he wishes (a la Plasticman, etc.)… but his power doesn’t work in reverse. **Leadfoot** – Can accelerate to any speed, but is unable to slow down. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crap-future-x-men-movie-mutants/164708.md?page=9)