# Crazy Fenris's Used Soul Appraisals **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 25, 2001, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509 "2001-05-25T18:50:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/21 "2001-05-26T02:07:23Z")
My soul… I do work in a cube farm but I mock the company and its customers frequently. I have a tendency to flirt but I’m good at it-or so I’ve been told. I do have three animal familars-two birds and a gecko. I’ve trained one of the birds to say “Shut your piehole.” I support my friends, both IRL and the ones I only know via email,without hesitation. And I’m not too proud to admit I’m somebody’s little ferret-check the sig. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/22 "2001-05-26T02:07:27Z")
Mine is a romantic soul; filled with the pleasure of candle lit rooms and chilled white wine; soaring in the sweet night air or floating in the arms of my best beloved. My soul shines through the window of my eyes like the rising sun in paradise. My soul moves me to weep at love songs, when princesses are rescued, and when the dog comes home. Moonlight, gentle sighs, long lingering glances, and all such trappings of romantic love are etched upon my soul, forever to remind me of my one, true beloved. My soul is pure in this devout, chaste love, sanctified in the flames of passion, and immortalized by my true love’s adulation. Yeah, right. And if ya believe that, I got a bridge I’d like you to see. Perfect for ya, one owner, only got crossed on Sundays after church. I swear. But hey, Fenris, if ya got time, give me a price on the one I described, just, you know, for a lark. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/23 "2001-05-26T03:02:56Z")
Oh for goodness sakes, why didn’t you SAY so! I’ve got 127 of them! Been using some as footrest stuffing (I’ve found that Fenwickian footrests really are superior), and we used the rest to make a bitchin’ leash for Cerberus. I am willing to let them go, though, if the money’s good enough (got a few popes down here that’ll do just as well for stuffing). I’m looking to open a bed n’ breakfast/casino on the outskirts of the Vatican City. Showgirls, a 24-hour-buffet, and Elvis-themed wedding chapel, and all that snazzy stuff. What’ll you give me for them? I’ll even toss in this really cool decoupage coffee can–it was the first soul I ever caught myself, and I _do_ get a lot of compliments on it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/24 "2001-05-26T12:09:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hardygrrl \* > \*\* > I do have three animal familars-two birds and a gecko. I’ve trained one of the birds to say “Shut your piehole.” > \ > And I’m not too proud to admit I’m somebody’s little ferret-check the sig. \*\* Friend, CRAZY FENRIS has researched your soul and with a soul like yours CRAZY FENRIS can confidently state that when you go bargain with The Adversary, you should be able to hold out for: A seat in the U.S. Senate (or elected body of your choice), along with a Limo Driver who’s willing to put out on request, 1/4 pound of non-Fattening Godiva Chocolates delivered monthly AND a monthly stipend of $368.55, deliverable in Indian-head nickels. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/25 "2001-05-26T12:36:33Z")
I, being the stupid idiot that I am, promised my soul to my girlfriend who took it and promptly broke-up with me. So I’m looking for a used soul that I could buy, or at the very least lease. Preferably a nice virile male one but I’m willing to settle for an outgoing lesbian. I’d be willing to pay just about any price. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/26 "2001-05-26T16:52:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by hardygrrl \* > > \*\* > > I do have three animal familars-two birds and a gecko. I’ve trained one of the birds to say “Shut your piehole.” > > \ > > And I’m not too proud to admit I’m somebody’s little ferret-check the sig. \*\* > > A seat in the U.S. Senate (or elected body of your choice), along with a Limo Driver who’s willing to put out on request, 1/4 pound of non-Fattening Godiva Chocolates delivered monthly AND a monthly stipend of $368.55, deliverable in Indian-head nickels. > \*\* **hardygrrl** , being a chocolate lover, I’d recommend holding out for a whole pound of non-fattening Godiva chocolates every two weeks. Ya never know what you can get unless you bargain… Oh, and my soul? Not for sale, unless my husband decides to sell it… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/27 "2001-05-26T17:04:32Z")
As much as I love Godiva, I’m a diet so I want to trade that for being Jeff Hardy’s shower girl for a night and that Stinky Paws be the chauffeur that puts out. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/28 "2001-05-26T17:37:58Z")
Fenris, I could use an evaluation before I head to the crossroads. Hook me up! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/29 "2001-05-26T18:18:56Z")
I have the soul of a dancer with two left feet, the soul of a poet without whimsey, the soul of a colorblind artist, the soul of a writer’s block. I have no idea how I got them - I’m thinking they were mixed in with my stuff last time we moved. So, can we deal here? I’m not looking to score big or anything… just a little something to put away for my golden years. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2001, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/30 "2001-05-26T19:36:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > \*\*Fenris, > > I could use an evaluation before I head to the crossroads. Hook me up! \*\* Gimme something to go on here, MH. I’m not a mind-reader, y’know! 😃 Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2001, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/31 "2001-05-27T02:11:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > > \*\*Fenris, > > > > I could use an evaluation before I head to the crossroads. Hook me up! \*\* > > Gimme something to go on here, MH. I’m not a mind-reader, y’know! 😃 > > Fenris \*\* Very well, Fenris. I am a generous man, always willing to purchase the beers. I am a rabid hockey and football fan, but I go to baseball games cause they’re cheap, and for the atmosphere at beautiful Coors Field. I can frequently be seen being kind to animals, and never throw cigarettes out of the car. My truck is always clean, unless it take it four wheeling, because I like to leave the mud on it for a couple days. I do not use the ashtray, I use a soda can which I recycle. I mow my lawn whenever I damn well feel like it, and not a minute before. Sometimes, I hurt myself and don’t realize it for a couple hours, when I look down and say, “Wow, what the hell is that from?” I play softball (3rd base) with passion. Fat Tire is my favorite beer. I plan on taking a friend of mine on a pilgrimage to the brewery as soon as he returns from out of state. I am not beyond driving 40 miles to the airport to spend 20 minutes talking with a friend passing through town. I get teary-eyed imagining the Avs winning the cup, and Ray Bourque skating a victory lap holding it. The mountains, my home, and my dog sometimes make me want to weep with happiness, and my son is the most important person on the planet to me. Do your worst. ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2001, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/32 "2001-05-27T02:12:01Z")
Fenris… I’m not looking to buy right now. Just shopping around, checking out the prices. Thats all. I just want to make that clear up front. Heck, I didn’t even bring my checkbook. Question, how are you in such buddy buddy cohorts with the Devil that you get a cut of souls. Also, what do you plan on doing with only a small percentage of mine and the others? Create some Mega-patchwork soul? ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2001, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/33 "2001-05-27T02:35:45Z")
Uh, Fenris? Yeah, you. The CRAZY one. I have borne (gasp!) an illegitimate child. I do things my own damned way. I don’t iron my seams flat when I quilt. I picked up and moved 3000 KM away from everything familiar just ‘cause I felt like it. I let my kid play outside until dark. I read my kid bedtime stories every night. I have taken homemade cookies to every stinkin’ rehearsal for every single production I have ever been in. I still miss my dog that died 15 years ago. I have a tattoo. I worked for an escort agency - albeit fully clothed in the office manager position. I don’t always floss. I’m damned cute and tell people that all the time, whether or not they believe me. I have been known to swallow. I don’t use Napster because I believe it’s theft. I make kick-ass pie. How much ya got for me? Ginger ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2001, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/34 "2001-05-27T13:11:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FairyChatMom \* > \*\*I have the soul of a dancer with two left feet, the soul of a poet without whimsey, the soul of a colorblind artist, the soul of a writer’s block. I have no idea how I got them - I’m thinking they were mixed in with my stuff last time we moved. So, can we deal here? I’m not looking to score big or anything… just a little something to put away for my golden years. \*\* Fairy: The Dread One (per the BlueBook) will offer you: A complete collection of every Roald Dahl book ever written (even the Gremlin one) A recipe for perfect pancakes A magic wand which will complete paperwork for you. A massuse who’ll rub your feet/back/neck on demand A $722.05/month stipend A box of paints, a rhyming dictionary, and tap-dance lessons. Crazy Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2001, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/35 "2001-05-27T13:25:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > \*\*I am a generous man, always willing to purchase the beers. I am a rabid hockey and football fan, but I go to baseball games cause they’re cheap, and for the atmosphere at beautiful Coors Field. > \ > I get teary-eyed imagining the Avs winning the cup, and Ray Bourque skating a victory lap holding it. > Do your worst. > \*\* \*\* Satan _LIKES_ sports fans. For YOU, he’ll make a special offer (and I’m feeling generous since the Avs beat the snot out of the hated Jersey Devils (and humiliated that unctous, smarmy announcer): Per Douglas Wallop’s The Year The Yankees Lost The Pennant (aka the musical “Damn Yankees!”), he’ll transform you into the best hockey player EVER, AND let you play for whatever team you want for one (1) season. He’ll also give you a megababe for that season. Crazy Fenris, still feeling giddy from the Avs victory last night, WILL tell you the catch: Do not play for the Avs. His DREAD plan is that he’ll get whatever team’s town worked up into a frenzy with the hope of victory, and then…you’ll lose the Stanley Cup in the last possible game, thus destroying their hopes and dreams. Should you take this offer, might I suggest you choose Jersey as your team? When you’re done, he’ll give you a lifetime supply of Fat Tire beer, a home in the foothills, and the magic power to let you slap the “Four Wheeling, even on property where it’s allowed, is EVIL” crowd (Peter Boyles, for example) in the face, at will, from a distance. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Wastrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f17d59/32.png) [@Wastrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wastrel)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2001, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/36 "2001-05-27T22:14:44Z")
Aw damn, I’d love to take advantage of this offer, but I think I sold my soul for a giant Pog with Steve Allen on it. Damn, I wonder where I put it? Nah, can’t be too important, it WAS only my soul after all. -Wastrel ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2001, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/37 "2001-06-01T06:49:02Z")
**Fenris,** some of us are still waiting for our appraisals. I have to tell you, customer service is very important in this line of work. People just don’t have time to wait for slow appraisals–they’e apt to just go a sell their souls for the first price offered. We wouldn’t be thinking of selling at all if things weren’t in dire straits. And if we sell before you give us a quote, well, we get screwed, but you get nothing. I swear, I don’t know how you stay in business. I don’t want to be rude, and I don’t want to have to ask to talk to the manager, I just want you to do what you advertised. I’m glad we had this talk. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2001, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/38 "2001-06-01T14:20:26Z")
OK, I’ll queue-up for an appraisal: **Fenris** : I love my wife and dote on my daughter. I’m kind to animals, and keep three cats. No dogs 'casue I’ve no time for them I volunteer at homeless shelters, and donate to organizations that serve the homeless. I donate to environmental causes and to Paws With A Cause. I served the country for 15 years in the Navy, working on nuclear reactors and submarines. I’m capable around the house, cook well, and can fix the car. The Dark One would probably _love_ my chili: It can set wooden spoons on fire and peel the chrome off the stove. I lean slightly to the right-of-center: Fiscally conservative, socially liberal (but not _too_ liberal 😉 ) I’m a damn good shot. I give blood. BUT: I’m a Technology Consultant to the pharmaceutical industry, and can be an insufferable know-it-all. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2001, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/39 "2001-06-01T14:42:34Z")
Alright, Fenris. Take this one for a test drive and see what it’s worth. Caucasian male, age 28. Smokes, but is cutting back. Or, at least that’s what he’s been telling himself for three years. Works as an auditor for a small phone company, where his job is to screw over big phone companies. Owns a PT Cruiser. Was a lifelong Redskins fan but switched allegiance to the Ravens in October of '00 (before they were really on the radar as “going anywhere”). Moderates The Pit, though not with the sanguine sarcasm of Alphagene, nor the swift and deadly justice of Lynn. Right now, said soul is in the possession of a girl named Rebecca; I just want to make sure she gets a good price if she ends up shopping it around. ---
**Author:** ![Wartime\_Consigliori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9d8465/32.png) [@Wartime\_Consigliori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wartime_Consigliori)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2001, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509/40 "2001-06-01T14:45:32Z")
“Dear Fenris, Please Don’t Put A Price On My Soul”–Bob Dylan (paraphrased, of course). “I’m A Soul Man”–What is currently playing on the loudspeakers in Fenris’ showroom. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crazy-fenriss-used-soul-appraisals/66509.md?page=3)