# Create your own Tract. HAW HAW HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 17, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652 "2003-02-17T16:25:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/181 "2003-02-27T20:57:24Z")
Well then **Padeye** you must lead us back to the true path. And sacrifices were mentioned in The Last Generation. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/182 "2003-02-27T21:16:18Z")
**Panel 17** **Jason** , wild-eyed and blubbering, is now spread-eagle and tied down to stakes in the middle of the pentagram. The rest of the Dopers continue to stand in a circle, now chanting “Cecil, Cecil, Cecil.” **Bi\_Witch** stands over jason with a dagger. The giggling demon floats overhead. **Bi\_Witch:** Christian newbies make the best sacrifices. They’re so pure and innocent. A “bang, bang, bang” emanates from the front door **Bi\_Witch** : Ah, that must be the holy moderator, come to observe the sacrifice. **BuffyFan** , go let him in! but is it REALLY the Holy Moderator? Could it be somebody else? Somebody bringing fire? ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/183 "2003-02-27T21:19:38Z")
hint hint ---
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/184 "2003-02-27T21:33:17Z")
LOL! I wonder what Cecil would think of this tract? ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/185 "2003-02-27T21:49:52Z")
**Panel 18** The gathering turns to the door as a nondescript man in a double breasted suit enters. He places a briefcase on a table and opens it. An unholy glow from the case illuminates his face. He removes a document and begins to read. **The Moderator’s Attorney:** The Chicago Reader, Inc., and its agents, including the administrators and moderators of the Straight Dope Message Board, are in no way responsible for anything associated with any real life meeting of our members. While we permit SDMB users to post announcements and other discussion of meetings and events on the Straight Dope Message Board, we don’t organize, sponsor, endorse, approve, or have any formal association with such events or any activities that may occur at them. We don’t vouch for any individual or group organizing an event. Attend at your own risk. SDMB moderators and administrators who attend events do so as private individuals and not as representatives or agents of the Chicago Reader, Inc. We encourage all attendees at these events to obey the laws of the jurisdiction in which they are held. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/186 "2003-02-27T22:47:04Z")
Padeye, I don’t know how I’m going to top that, but I’ll think of _some_ response. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/187 "2003-02-27T23:24:34Z")
Okay, gotta start wrapping this tract up. **Panel 19** **Bi Witch** Did you _hear_ that Jason? Dopers can do ANYTHING WE WANT TO! Your feeble 10 Commandments tell you what _not_ to do! WE have free will! You @#$%^&\* fool! And here(she brandishes the knife) is the instrument that will put our indelible mark on you! _YOU ARE OURS NOW!_ **Jason** (In a facial closeup inset) EEEEEEEEEEYOOOOW!!! That _hurt!_ Oh my sweet Lord! What have you done to me? _The poor lost soul of Jason is tugged away by the demon, as the chanting crowd continues to murmur “Cecil is the Master, Cecil the All-Knowing”_ ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/188 "2003-02-28T00:42:13Z")
\*\* Panel 20\*\* The Door is burst open and all Straight Dope members are Horrified at the site before them. Ther is Bob with his shirt torn exposing half of his shaved chest. He is Brandishing a Flame thrower and behind gritted teeth bellows **BOB** Sinners Beware! \*\* Prepare yourselves for Judgement day as I bring the might of the Lord upon thee with the vengence of Fire to purify you and smite the demons that plague this unholy institution!\*\* **Moderators Attorney** Excuse me sir but that is slander. **Bi Witch** GASP! It is Bob! Get him boys! Ok maybe I’m taking it too far but damn what an image ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/189 "2003-02-28T00:47:12Z")
Two more panels to go! Or is it just one? I’m not sure if the “check off” panel is officially part of the story. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/190 "2003-02-28T01:03:48Z")
**Panel 21** We see Jason standing before the faceless God on his toilet. An angel is standind behind Jason. **Jason** : I’m so sorry, Lord, I didn’t know what they were. They seemed so nice online. **Faceless god** : You were warned, Jason, and now you have died in your sin. This is no second chance. My faithful servant, Bob, has dealt with all your Cecilist friends and now you will join them in Hell forever. Goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/191 "2003-02-28T01:08:02Z")
That shoud have said “_there_ is no second chance,” not “this is…” ---
**Author:** ![Truth\_Seeker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Truth\_Seeker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truth_Seeker)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/192 "2003-02-28T01:19:27Z")
Is panel 19 supposed to be a JDT reference? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/193 "2003-02-28T01:34:39Z")
You know, I wondered if anyone would catch that! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/194 "2003-02-28T04:39:49Z")
ok over my head, a “Jtd reference”? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/195 "2003-02-28T05:00:23Z")
JDT are the initials of a former poster who is now, ummm, banned. He had, shall we say, an obsession with a certain portion of his anatomy. There is a recent thread in General Questions, started (1/30/03) by a poster named purgepro. Read through it and the reference will be clear. ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/196 "2003-02-28T05:05:24Z")
**kingpengvin** : [Jack](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=43031&pagenumber=1)[Dean](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=44175)[Tyler](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=47631&highlight=Tyler) And as long as I’m posting, I just want to say - great work guys! These are amazingly funny. ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/197 "2003-02-28T05:09:57Z")
Oops. [Jack](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=43031&pagenumber=1) [Dean](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=44175) [Tyler](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=47631&highlight=Tyler) ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/198 "2003-02-28T06:02:28Z")
Okay. That went in a different direction than I expected but it works. “Cecilist?” I would have gone with “Cecilian Mafia.” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/199 "2003-02-28T10:53:48Z")
So is this tract over? No “sum up” or decision panel? Anyway, this was fun! Shall we do as Padeye suggested on 2/26 and do just **one** more, this one “a more traditional Chick story” without Bob? He _does_ get a little old after a while. Or do we ccomplete a trilogy with a completely total parody? I’d lean towards the former myself, because with guys like Chick, who needs to parody? Ideas? Titles? Suggestions? Third time’s the charm you know! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/200 "2003-02-28T11:32:03Z")
OK, I know this is soon but I had two ideas, and this is my last post for a few hours, and my first break. I have to leave for my stupid\* job in a few minutes. \*Actually, I really like my job, it’s just that it’s been distracting me from this thread! It occurred to me that in the Chick tracts I have read, when you see women outside of the home, they are usually “not on God’s side”. Also, the folks who encourage others towards salvation are almost always male. What about _Girls Just Want To Have Fun_, about the dangers of women outside the traditional wife and mother role? It could sort of parallel _Dark Dungeons_, with the main character getting saved, while the supporting character comes to a sad end. Two girls in school wanting CAREERS, even partying, but one starts to feel empty, you get the drift. As an alternative, for a total parody, we could do one where real Dopers are roasted, with names named. Only with their explicit consent of course. I saw in “Cite?” that Padeye used his own name and that was fun, talking about all the alcohol consumed at a Dopefest. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=11)