# Create your own Tract. HAW HAW HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 17, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652 "2003-02-17T16:25:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2003, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/241 "2003-03-04T09:12:24Z")
Why can’t I learn to preview? @#$%^&\*!!! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2003, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/242 "2003-03-04T14:47:31Z")
**panel 7** Julia is confused looking with the twisted evil face of Ms. LeFay looks longingly at her. **Julia** : I… I … don’t know. I mean My Dad told me that I should be a good girl and not participate in anything this hedonistic. **Ms LeFay** : Listen to you! You are being called a girl by a man…YOUR FATHER. You are a woman with a mind of your own, you have to think for yourself. Now come here and kiss me like I told you to! **Julia** : O…Ok if you say so. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/243 "2003-03-04T14:52:12Z")
By the way according to Bob doesn’t #$%& mean Jesus? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/244 "2003-03-04T17:46:25Z")
I agree with Diogenes that we can’t let this tract go without a few swipes at Catholicism. I have a plan for a few panels later. And after all, if you can’t trust a priest, who CAN you trust? **Panel 8** _Ms. LeFay gets Julia in a clinch. But suddenly Julia struggles and breaks away._ **Julia** N-n-ooo! This isn’t right! _She runs from the party into the night, sobbing,_ **Julia** What is wrong with me? Why can’t a liberated woman get a real _man_ to like her? _She looks up and sees a sign that says “The Lounge Bar”, and you can see her come to a decision._ * * * Okay, I know a name like “The Lounge Bar” is tacky, but it’s tacky in Chick style! ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/245 "2003-03-04T18:14:40Z")
Oooh, hellbound women in comfortable shoes. \ I gotta watch this. HAW HAW HAW! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/246 "2003-03-04T18:32:29Z")
**Panel 9** We see Susan back at her dorm room. She is sitting in a pristine chair with a crucifix on the wall behind her. She is holding a Bible in her lap and looking worridly at a clock which tells us that time is 11:15. **Susn:** That’s funny, Julia has never been out this late before. I hope everything is all right. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2003, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/247 "2003-03-05T13:38:29Z")
\*\* Panel 10\*\* Meanwhile at the club Julia is beside a big lout who kind of looks like Burt Ward does these days. He is leering at her as she holds a liquor bottle and looks a little drunk. On her left (sinister) side is a demon goading her on. **Julia** : Ohh dear, I’m a little tipsy and it’s two hours past my bed time. **BURT WARD** Aww c’mon baby You are a Liberated woman… how about coming back to my house for some Premarital sex? **Sparky the demon** : Do it Julia… Time to Liberate yourself HAW HAW HAW! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/248 "2003-03-05T17:37:32Z")
This is seriously spooky. The panels Diogenes and kingpengvin are writing are as close to what _I_ would have written as makes no difference!!! **Panel 11** _It’s dark where Julia is. We see a closeup of her face, and a discreet bit of bare shoulder. Just beyond Julia there is another head, but all we see of it is the hair._ **Julia** (blinking) Ooooh my head hurts! What happened? Where am I? ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/249 "2003-03-05T18:00:12Z")
I like how you named the demon, not anonymous like in Jack’s work. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/250 "2003-03-06T01:57:56Z")
**Panel 12** We now see that Julia is in bed with Burt Ward. A neon sign reading “MOTEL” is visible through a window over the bed. Sparky the demon is leering down from a ceiling fan. **Burt:** Hey baby, you were great last night. You sure are some liberated woman! **Julia:** What? Who are you? What are you talking about? Please tell me we didn’t… \*\*We sure did, baby, want to go again? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/251 "2003-03-06T01:59:11Z")
Sorry I screwed up that last bit of coding. That should have been Burt talking (obviously). ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/252 "2003-03-06T13:55:15Z")
**Panel 13** (the unluckiest panel of them all) Julia is crying and is before her mentor Ms. LeFay LeFay has an evil twisted visage and looks like she is gloating **Julia** : Then I woke up in bed with Burt Ward! I don’t know what to do because I think I’m pregnant and I also have a strange burning sensation! **Ms LeFay** : That sensation is because you slept with a man! You see Burt is paid by our organization **WAMBAMAG** \* to find waywards like you and give them a venerial disease as punishment. box on the bottom \*\*\* Women against Men Because All Males are gross\*\* see Chick publications “the real Woman’s Movement” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/253 "2003-03-06T17:34:28Z")
I’m still hoping for a syrupy deathbed conversion, with Susan hovering nearby, but there’s time to put Julia through a few more trials and tribulations. Let’s see, we’ve done women’s lib, lesbian, fornication, drinking, etc. No RCC swipes yet, but let’s see about this. **Panel** 14 _Julia is in a drugstore, walking dejectedly away from the pharmacy window. The though balloon over her head speaks for her_ **Julia** :Well, at least the doctor says I’m not pregnant, but I _do_ have…gulp…how can I tell my folks? I can’t trust Ms. LeFay, Burt didn’t _really_ like me, there’s no one to turn to, just _no hope_ for me! _Julia looks at a shelf display that has SLEEPING PILLS. Meanwhile, in an inset in upper corner of panel, Susan is talking on the phone_ **Susan** : Jerry, I’m just so worried about Julia. She’s been so depressed, and now she’s missing again. Please help me find her and give her the hope of Jesus! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/254 "2003-03-06T18:32:45Z")
**Panel 15** The phrase **Later that evening** Appears in one corner of the panel. In the rest of the panel we see Susan and Jerry reurning from a campus wide search for Julia. They are just walking back into Susan and Julia’s dorm room. They are talking as they walk in and at first, they don’t notice the unconscious Julia sprawled on the couch. Julia is holding the empty pill bottle in one hand (because, of course, everyone who od’s on pills always continues to clutch the empty bottle while they wait to die.) **Susan:** We’ve searched EVERYWHERE, the malt shop, the pizza parlor, the chapel, the quilting club. I don’t know where she could be. Maybe we should call the po…JULIA!!! **Jerry** You call the ambulance, Susan. I’ll pray with her. I just hope that she hasn’t already died in her sins! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/255 "2003-03-06T18:44:15Z")
**Panel 16** In the Hospital a Catholic Priest (There you go Baker) is giving last rights to Julia who is lying in bed with a bandage on her head and a tube up her nose. There are two doctors confering on her case… prognosis is not good. Sparky is dancing with joy. **Dr 1** : MMMM it doesn’t look good, I mean we’ve pumped her stomach but her venerial disease has spread all over her body. She’s not long for this world. **Dr. 2** I agree. Those sores were so horrible I nearly threw up! Do you think we can save the fetus? **Sparky the Demon** That’s right padre give 'er the last rites! Soon she’ll be with the Master. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/256 "2003-03-06T19:03:56Z")
**kingpengvin** , I love it! The venerial disease has spread all over her body! Awesome touch! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/257 "2003-03-06T20:33:41Z")
MEDICAL SCIENCE MARCHES ON! Personally I stole the I’m going to throw up line from the archeologist who discovered the hyrogliphics portraying sodomy in Doom Town By the way good news Jack’s Condemned Fred Flinstone and other Lodge brothers to Hell in his latest [Good ol boys](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5022/5022_01.asp) Bob saves two in one blow way to go!!! ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/258 "2003-03-06T21:35:27Z")
I like the “I’m going to vomit” bit from _Doom Town_. Mind you I think those archeologists have weaks stomachs. Then again I’ve been toughened by years of Jacks awful illustrations so seeing a stone carving of a guy getting fucked in the ass isn’t gonna make me blow chunks. Thanks for the tip on the new tract. For a second I thought the shining path guerilla was Mr. T. Jack did a good job of drawing the AK-47s and the obligatory “buddabudda” sound was reassuring though I’m suprised Jack didn’t spell it “buddhabuddha.” Does anyone remember how cartoons in the National Lampoon magazine used the same “sound” for machine guns? Quiz time. If a loyal 32nd degree freemason stands tall and refuses to deny Jesus does the guerilla shoot him or not? Does Bob? Lol, Just before I hit submit I got your Fred Flintstone reference, BAHAHAHAHA! err, I mean HAW HAW HAW! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/259 "2003-03-06T21:48:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kingpengvin \* > > Julia is beside a big lout who kind of looks like Burt Ward does these days. **kingpengvin** , I’ll never look at Robin the same way again! I didn’t tell you before how perfect that description is. Also, thanks for throwing the priest in there, I’m gonna use him! **Diogenes** , your picturing of the pill bottle scene was great! **Panel 17** _Susan and Jerry have arrived at the hospital room. The doctors have left Julia ALONE(huh?) with the priest, and they are shocked to see the good father giving Julia the “last rites” by “laying on of hands”(nudge, nudge, wink wink)_ **Jerry** :YOU VILLIAN! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? Take your perverted religious practices elsewhere!\* Jerry tosses out priest, while Susan kneels at Julia’s bedside\* **Susan** :Lord, Julia was only misled by false and devious doctrine. Please give me one more chance to witness the true path, that she may not die in her sins! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/260 "2003-03-06T21:53:23Z")
**kingpengvin** , I also forgot to tell you I liked the nice touch in the one panel, where you had a footnote referencing another tract, just the way Jack does! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=14)