# Create your own Tract. HAW HAW HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 17, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652 "2003-02-17T16:25:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2003, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/61 "2003-02-20T11:09:55Z")
Baker takes a bow. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be signing autographs later. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2003, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/62 "2003-02-20T12:20:47Z")
I think Kirk Skywalker should make an appearance somewhere as some sort of fake messiah figure. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2003, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/63 "2003-02-20T14:04:17Z")
**Panel 17** We see the intensive care unit of a hospital. Scott and Jenny lie sise by side in hospital beds. They are both hooked uo to life support systems with a variety of tubes. Their mother is standing and sobbing over the beds. There are no nurses or doctors in sight. Bob enters the room **Bob:** Hello, Mildred, I came as soon as you called. **Mildred:** Bob, thank God you’re here. The doctors say they won’t live the night. I pray you’re not too late to save Jenny’s soul! Sorry it took so long, everybody. The listing still showed **XWalrus2** as the last poster last night. I didn’t know it was my turn. Thanks for the nudge, **Baker**. ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/64 "2003-02-20T16:00:53Z")
Panel 16 makes it appear they’re already dead but I’ll continue with the on life support scenario in panel 17 **Panel 18** In the background a doctor from another tract talks to his patient. **Doctor:** You’re dying and there is no cure. That’s not the worst part though… Bob and Mildred discussing the fate of Jenny’s immortal soul. Badly drawn dog with sawtooth tail chases lesser demon in circles at the foot of the bed. **Bob:** Unfortunately Jenny’s fate has been sealed by the dark forces of science fiction. When she accepted that seemingly innocent star treck symbol she really made a pact with Satan, damning her sould to an eternity in hell. **Mildred:** But woudn’t Jenny be forgiven through the grace of lord Jesus Christ because she didn’t know what she was doing? She’s only a child. **Bob:** Oh no, rules are rules and God can’t change them. * * * I walk a fine line here as a Christian but I think we’ve done a good job of portraying how twisted J.C.'s tracts are. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/65 "2003-02-20T17:05:22Z")
Actually, Padeye, your approach is fine. I did leave the ending of 16 rather ambiguous, but one could interpret it as a sort of near-death state, rather than all the way dead. I’m looking forward to the judgement! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/66 "2003-02-21T04:45:49Z")
**panel 19** - Bob stands before the two beds ready to make his last shpeel. The two kids are shown with banages over their heads and tubes up their noses so you know they are seriously in trouble. The fact a boy and girl (even though brother and sister) are in the same room lets you also know they will both die very soon. no Doctor or nurses are near by\* **BOB** : Jenny please this is your last chance to escape your fate. Please understand that there is nothing the force will do for you. Spock did not die for your sins! **Jenny** : (weakly) N…n…no. Understand this. Spock died to save the entire crew and according to the script… he rose again on the third movie. How is that different than your beliefs? **Scott** : Huh? Wait I remember that… But?? Bob please help me understand this… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/67 "2003-02-21T05:29:58Z")
Spock resurrected in the third movie, that’s brilliant, **king** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/68 "2003-02-21T05:52:33Z")
I can’t resist doing the next panel. And I _loved_ the third movie allusion too **kingpengvin**. **Panel 20** **Bob:** Scott and Jenny, both of you, that was just an evil attmept to confuse you! Hear the Word of the Lord in 2Corinthians 11:14"For even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light" **Scott** Yes, yes Bob, that explains it. Thank you Jesus!(In a very weak whisper now)“Mommy, who is that man dressed in a white robe standing there?” **Jenny** “But, but, _why_ would they do that?” _An inset of two EKG’s flat lining_ **Evil unseen voice**"Why Jenny? Why _indeed_? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/69 "2003-02-21T06:04:15Z")
**Panel 21** We see a split panel. In the first half of the panel we see an angel approaching Scott **Scott:** Where are we going? **Angel:** To your mansion in heaven. In the second half of the panel we see another angel approaching Jenny. **Jenny:** Are you one of the Jedi Vulcans? Are you taking me to the stars? **Angel:** No, Jenny, there is no Force. You were warned but now it is too late. Kirk Skywalker had no son. I think we’ll have to go over 21 panels. We still need to show Jenny being cast into the fire and then do the questionaire page ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/70 "2003-02-21T06:05:02Z")
I made a mistake in using the verse I did for Panel 20. It might be confusing when Scott sees “The man in the white robe” So here is Bob’s speech in the true version(think of it as a DVD alternative) **Bob** Scott and Jenny, both of you, that was just an evil attempt to confuse you! Hear the Word of the Lord in 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12 “Therefore God sends upon them a strong delusion, to make them believe what is false, so that all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasue in unrighteousness.” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/71 "2003-02-21T06:10:04Z")
**Diogenes** from here on out I am going to leave it up to you. As on of the starters of this thread you two should get to decide on the ending. Just make it _really_ lurid, and don’t forget a last HAW HAW! ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/72 "2003-02-21T10:47:32Z")
i loved that too, **kingpengvin** , and **Baker** ,the “jedi vulcans” were a nice touch. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/73 "2003-02-21T11:20:06Z")
\*\*XWalrus2, \*\* I’d like to take credit for the Jedi Vulcans, but that particular piece of literary mastery is from \*\*Diogenes. \*\* Makes me jealous. ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/74 "2003-02-21T11:23:31Z")
**Diogenes** , then, that was genius. ---
**Author:** ![dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorkusmalorkusmafia/32/7266_2.png) [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/75 "2003-02-21T16:02:04Z")
Wow, this is true mastery. I bet you could put chick on it and it would seem real. If someone was good in photoshop they could make this seem real. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/76 "2003-02-21T16:35:34Z")
> [@](#): > > We don’t have an artist but it would be great if somebody could draw the panels. If someone can compile all the panel scripts together into one big file, I’ll have a go at drawing it up. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/77 "2003-02-21T16:38:54Z")
Wouldn’t it be great to make more and more bizarre ones, and distribute them around the place too, to discredit the real ones… not that I’m encouraging anyone to do anything illegal, just saying. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/78 "2003-02-21T16:42:38Z")
Tell you what I’ll email you just the panels. I have one editing choice if it is ok with the others… The panel which describes the Starfleet symbols "true meaning should come during the hospital scene instead of the begining. It would flow like a typical Bob rant. and make more sense. Let me know if that is a problem… ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/79 "2003-02-21T16:48:01Z")
**Panel 22** _Jenny is standing over the “lake of Fire” ™ She has a scared expression. Satan is shown pulling of his Satan face revealing that he is in fact George Lucas!!!_ **JENNY** : You aren’t Satan You are (Gasp) George Lucas! **LUCAS** : Wrong Jenny, we are one in the same and now for your eternal damnation!!! Stan Roll reel one of Phantom Menace the extra special, extra long, more Jar Jar than before Directors cut! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/80 "2003-02-21T17:05:46Z")
Dang! That would have been 21… wait we could insert a one panel meeting with the faceless god on the toilet. And follow with a scream of the damned and teh check box… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=5)