# Create your own Tract. HAW HAW HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 17, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652 "2003-02-17T16:25:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/141 "2003-02-25T18:12:01Z")
LOL! Keep up the good work people! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/142 "2003-02-25T19:01:48Z")
Damn, I need to get the next panel up I see. I’m at work, and the cafe doesn’t have a computer I can use, so I sneaked into the library here(it’s not actually my break time) so that I could see how the tract is progressing. I’ll be home in about an hour and will get my turn in. Psssssssst, don’t turn me in! ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/143 "2003-02-25T20:20:01Z")
let’s have the role of Satan be played by, ummm… **Satan**? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2003, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/144 "2003-02-25T21:15:07Z")
**Panel 7** _Background: As Bob sips his water he remembers the old cliche about the Devil being able to quote Scripture, and decides two can play that game._ **Bob** : Jason, I’ve been to the Straight Dope. I’ve even posted on their boards, trying to show them the pure Truth. Now, did you know that Cecil Adams cast doubt on the existence of Heaven? **Jason** : No! Do you, umm, gulp, have a cite for _that_? **Bob** :Yes! That prince of decievers once wrote back in response to a question as to “Who invented Paradise?” Well, we know from the Bible that Paradise, or Heaven, has always been there. **So how could anyone less than God say it was _invented_?** _It’s Jason who is shocked and bewildered now!_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ My having Jason do a quick turnaround here is based on the assumption that so far he hasn’t got too deeply into the Dope. So his heart is still fundie, even though his mind has encountered some new ideas. I’m taking my inspiration here from the time when I was taking classes before joining the Episcopal church. (I was raised in a different Christian denomination) The cathedral provost said, during class one day, “being Episcopalian means you don’t have to check your brains at the door.” Interestingly enough, his name was Bob. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/145 "2003-02-26T01:33:25Z")
**Panel 8** **Jason** : [frantically typing on the keyboard] Let me do a search, yes, here it is…I don’t know, Bob, Cecil doesn’t really say that God did not create Heaven, only that the Zoroastrians knew about it before Christ was born. **Bob** : Zoroaster had no son! **Jason** : That’s a straw man fallacy…hey, I see you’ve been pitted 85 times. **Bob** : Those Dopers have their own little clique. I give a factual answer in GQ and they call it “witnessing.” Those fools. They will burn in Hell! It seemed a little early for Jason’s turnaround, we still have a lot of panels to go…and we have to devise a way for Jason to end up in a burn ward ---
**Author:** ![Truth\_Seeker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Truth\_Seeker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truth_Seeker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/146 "2003-02-26T02:24:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*and we have to devise a way for Jason to end up in a burn ward \*\* A few possibilities . . . [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3\_036.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_036.html) [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1\_222b.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_222b.html) Perhaps my favorite, though it comes from MPSIMS – a tragic toaster-pastry accident. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1855495&highlight=flammable+pastry#post1855495](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1855495&highlight=flammable+pastry#post1855495) Or, perhaps, this. Though illustrating it might be a bit much for a Chick Tract. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=53950&highlight=fart](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=53950&highlight=fart) [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1\_079.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_079.html) ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/147 "2003-02-26T03:44:45Z")
Actually, Diogenes, I should have indicated better that Jason was not so much turned around as still new to belief in the Dope. He’ll need more time to learn how to stay firm in his new “faith” BTW, I like how you had him frantically typing for an answer! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/148 "2003-02-26T04:14:03Z")
I just had an idea. What if BOB is the one who ends up in the burn ward, specifically because he ignored a piece of information on the SDMB. **Truth Seeker’s** fart-lighting thread might be funny but unlikely for Bob. We would need to think of something dangerous that Bob could try, that an SDMB thread or a Cecil column explicitly said would be a bad idea. Then Jason could visit Bob in the ICU and deliver a lecture on the dangers of ignoring Cecil/ the SDMB. Then Bob can be informed that Jason has cast him into the (BBQ) pit once again for being such a numbnuts. It would be a complete reversal on the usual tract formula, so maybe the rest of you would rather still play it straight and make it more like a real tract, if so, that’s cool with me. So, what do you think? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/149 "2003-02-26T04:24:03Z")
Let’s do a trilogy. We can finish this one straight, and then do a final one totally for laughs, with Bob getting crunched in some imaginative fashion. Something with UFO’s and _probes_. Bob has to be against aliens doesn’t he? After all, it’s us humans who were made in God’s image. (I know, I know, but that’s how Bob would think) ---
**Author:** ![Truth\_Seeker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Truth\_Seeker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truth_Seeker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/150 "2003-02-26T08:29:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Baker \* > \*\*Let’s do a trilogy. We can finish this one straight, and then do a final one totally for laughs, with Bob getting crunched in some imaginative fashion. Something with UFO’s and _probes_. Bob has to be against aliens doesn’t he? After all, it’s us humans who were made in God’s image. (I know, I know, but that’s how Bob would think) \*\* Hmmm. If you want to play it “straight,” should Bob really be dizzy and reeling? Nothing phases Gospel Bob! > [@](#): > > \*\*We would need to think of something dangerous that Bob could try, that an SDMB thread or a Cecil column explicitly said would be a bad idea. \*\* Well, here’s one possibility, though I guess this would be unlikely too, On the other hand, he _does_ have that moustache . . . [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1\_270b.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_270b.html) Perhaps Bob might forget to wash up. > **[Why are men supposed to wash their hands after urination? Plus: urine therapy!](https://www.straightdope.com/21342195/why-are-men-supposed-to-wash-their-hands-after-urination-plus-urine-therapy)** > > Dear Cecil: > First, an (elderly) joke. > A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately... ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/151 "2003-02-26T14:14:04Z")
**Panel 8** - Jason is shown with two faces one facing Bob one facing his monitor with the Swively lines denoting his quick head turns between Bob and the computer ob is holding his Bible before Jason and pointing a condemning finger\* **BOB** : How do I put this delicately? **CESIL IS SATAN!!!** You must shun him and his ilk. Did you know that this very message plank was supported by funds from both the Vatican and the Young Homosexual Communists of America\*? Did you not also know the word Cite is dirived from the Mesopotamian word for Tanru? Tanru is the God of deceit. A deceiver Jason… **A FALSE GOD!!!** **Jason** : B…but what they say actually seems to make sense logically… I think… My head is spinning! I could use some water now… box below (\*which is also funded by the Vatican)! From Chick publication’s “The twenty only truths you need to know outside of the bible” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/152 "2003-02-26T14:45:16Z")
**kingpengvin** , shouldn’t your panel above be #9? ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/153 "2003-02-26T15:13:54Z")
uhhhhh yeah… I always had a little trouble with numbe… I call thee out heathen BURN!!! sorry… fundie defence mechanisim when errors are pointed out… ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/154 "2003-02-26T15:45:54Z")
Excellent. I love it when we can work wild eyed conspiracy theories into this. That’s where I got my introduction to Chick and his ilk, years ago when I actually believed his anti-Catholic rants. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/155 "2003-02-26T16:16:16Z")
Come to think of it maybe Bob can use the story of Thomas as his example as to why questioning is wrong… mind you he’ll bend the story completely. ---
**Author:** ![dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorkusmalorkusmafia/32/7266_2.png) [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/156 "2003-02-26T17:45:01Z")
Panel 10? Jason: Why are you saying all these things? Bob: God requires us to prosthelitize and turn the heathens to the proper faith. Jason: But what about live and let live? Bob: If that were the case, you would go to HELL! God requires us to prosthelitize so Hell doesn’t overflow back on Earth. I think it is already happening seeing all the heathens around the Straight Dope. ---
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/157 "2003-02-26T18:49:09Z")
Hmmm how about reversing things and have Bob be converted to SDMB? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/158 "2003-02-26T20:07:25Z")
I think we’re gonna do that in the next thread. I think it would be great if it was a _total_ reversal, waaaay over the top. Got to figure out how to quote Cecil in Scriptural fashion though. Perhaps Cecil and Staff Reports could be like different testaments. Replies or comments could be Apocrypha. The subject of the column would be named, with numbered chapters and sentences. So the column about Catherine the Great and the horse would be “Cecil:Book of Catherine, 2:1 _Catherine the Great died of a stroke while sitting on the commode_” **Panel 11** **Bob** : Jason, at least tell me you haven’t been to one of their heathen rituals known as a Dopefest have you? **Jason** :(with head hanging) Well, no, but I’ve been _invited_. It sounded like fun. **Bob** : Fun for the Devil, you mean! _For the devil prowls about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour_ You have to choose! The Straight Dope or your very soul! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/159 "2003-02-26T20:10:04Z")
How did I get that frowning smilie in there? It should be a ( . Dang, proofread Baker, proofread! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/160 "2003-02-26T21:07:14Z")
**Panel 12** Bob is glowering over a prostate Jason who appears to be in that weeping praying position that sinners who convert end up in. (That silly spider is now eating the fly) Bob is also holding a flaming torch. Hmmm I wonder what he has planned. **Jason** : Ohh how could I be so foolish forgive me God I should not have had such an open mind! **BOB** : That’s right a mind that is open is an invite for Satan! Remember there is nothing Straight about Dope! Now why don’t you purge your mind by taking a walk by the old abandoned Fireworks/Acid company, while I purge you files of this filth! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=9)