# Create your own Tract. HAW HAW HAW! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 17, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652 "2003-02-17T16:25:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorkusmalorkusmafia/32/7266_2.png) [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/161 "2003-02-26T22:18:48Z")
Bob is glowering over Jason’s **prostate**. Sounds like Bob is gittin’ him some gud reer en’ lovin’. It is even more appropriate that Bob is flaming around with objects. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2003, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/162 "2003-02-26T22:31:03Z")
Hmm… **king** …I’m not sure where you’re going, here? Are you setting it up for Bob to burn down Jason’s house, or for Jason to blow himself up at the factory, or both or neither? I’ll go with whatever for the next panel, I just don’t want to screw it uo if you have something specific in mind. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/163 "2003-02-27T00:43:36Z")
Well, I guess I’ll just do a panel, hope it doesn’t screw anything up. **Panel 13** We see the exterior of the house and street with Jason walking down the sidewalk. A familiar “Haw, Haw!” is emanating from a window of the house. A young woman is standing on the corner. She is wearing a T-shirt that says “Darwin” and a pentagram on a pendant. She has two-tone hair and and multiple facial piercings. There is a poorly drawn demon standing behind her and laughing. She calls out to Jason **Woman** : Hey, are you **Saved93**? It’s me, **Bi\_Witch**. We sent some e-mails to each other. **Jason** : Yeah, sure, Bi\_Witch, you’re the bisexual, Pagan, evolutionist Dungeon Master! We talked about going to the Dopefest together. **Bi\_Witch** : Do you still want to go? ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/164 "2003-02-27T03:51:54Z")
Don’t worry wherever it ends up it ends up. I just didn’t wnat us repeating ourselves. Gives both Jason or Bob a chance to do something different… Also when someone suggested Bob could end up in a Burn ward I figured I’d give him a way that was ironic… you know Chick requesting people to burn albums or D&D games. I don’t know seemed sort of fitting. But this isn’t just my story so if it goes elsewhere let it. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/165 "2003-02-27T04:11:25Z")
You’re right of course **kingpengvin**. Let’s just have fun. And may I say, your Freudian slip is showing. A prostate Jason? HAW HAW! And your “fundie defense mechanism” I am in awe I tell you, AWE! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/166 "2003-02-27T04:53:54Z")
Shucks t’wernt nuthin. This is going quite well. May I make a suggestion for the next one that we drop Bob and do a traditional Chick Storie Like [Dark Dungeons](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.asp) or perhaps something futuristic like[The Last Generation](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0094/0094_01.asp) or better yet socially relevent and timely like [Soul Story](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0069/0069_01.asp) . It may keep us out of a Rut of having Bob come in to denounce everything. Instead we can just have someone suffer from their sin (Bingo, or being an octogenerian etc) then some busy body comes for one panel to tell them the error of their ways before they Kack it and end up in hell or before the Faceless God ™ ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/167 "2003-02-27T06:30:43Z")
Ooh, I’d like to do _The Last Generation_ just so I could whomp the little facist youth in the face with a metaphorical 2x4 of righteous indignation. _Soul Story_ is also close to my heart too. I wonder if we can get Samuel L. Jackson to play Leroy… \ I’m has happy as a little girl. Sorry, got carried away there for a minute. Alright, I have to get focused. Give me a few minutes and I’ll do the next panel before bed. ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/168 "2003-02-27T06:55:53Z")
**Panel 14** Jason is still talking to Bi\_Witch but his posture has gone slack and his gaze is on his feet. Badly drawn dog with sawtooth tail barks at demon. **Jason/Saved93:** I, I’d like to go but I’ve been having second thoughts. I’ve read post from people who have gone to Dopefests and it seems like things get our of hand. Padeye wrote about the vast amounts of alcohol that everyone consumed at the LA Dopefest '01 and how they were nearly all arrested at the motel when the Los Angeles police came about the noise complaint. I saw the pictures he took and everyone looked really happy but I’m not sure about going to such a wild bacchanal. **Bi\_Witch:** Oh yeah, I was there. Well they aren’t all that much fun but we’ll give it a try. **Jason/Saved93:** (to self) There were a lot of really cute girls in the pictures. Maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. Bob has me so confused. [John 2:1-11](http://bible.gospelcom.net/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&passage=john+2%3A1-11&version=NKJV) does say that Jesus’ first miracle was to make wine from water, _good_ wine, for the wedding feast at Cana when they ran out. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/169 "2003-02-27T10:50:48Z")
Ooooh, **Padeye** , that Bi Witch is sneaky! Using a little reverse psychology, isn’t she? True Story: I am told that when I was four or so, and had just started going to Sunday School, that I was acting badly and didn’t want to go. So my Dad took me out of the Sunday School superintendents office and told me “Alright, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. In fact, I’m not going to _let_ you go. You won’t get to be in the Christmas pageant with the other kids or do the fun games and other stuff, etc, etc.” And then I wanted to go. My dad is a wise man, and apparently he and Mark Twain were on the same wave length. ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/170 "2003-02-27T11:00:25Z")
Beautiful! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/171 "2003-02-27T13:22:09Z")
Except, I believe, Twain became an Atheist… ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/172 "2003-02-27T14:23:41Z")
I was thinking about Tom Sawyer and the fence, HAW HAW!!! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/173 "2003-02-27T14:54:19Z")
make a panel!!! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/174 "2003-02-27T17:41:17Z")
I’m just about to leave work, will be home shortly to do #15…Oh boy, this is going to be fun! ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/175 "2003-02-27T18:10:30Z")
TheLadyLion pointed out something in the first panel of _The Last Generation_ that I overlooked. Supreme Justice Mahoney has a small “s.j.” after his name. Her many years of Catholic school stood her in good stead and she identified it as society of Jesus, the Jesuits. That should come as no suprise to those who know Jack’s brand of rabig anti-Catholic paranoia. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/176 "2003-02-27T19:21:05Z")
**Panel 15** _ **Bi Witch** and **Jason** are going up the walk to a nice looking, older style home. Note that in the flowerbed there are two small CATHOLIC statues, St. Francis and the Virgin. The demon is now leering from around a corner of the house._ **Bi Witch** (In thought balloon: _Well, this turkey is going to know the truth pretty soon, all I have to do now is get him in the door_) Well Jason, here we are! Pretty nice huh? It used to belong to my parents, but…well, everyone else is here, for the Dopefest I mean. We’ll all have name tags but we had to have _just one more_ . **Jason** Really, why is that? **Bi Witch** That would be spoiling the surprise of your _very first time_ at a Dopefest!(She thinks, _Come ON, just go in the door!)_ ) ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/177 "2003-02-27T20:14:04Z")
\*\* Panel 16\*\* Jason is staring in horrified disbelief (including the obligatory “surprisles” lines poping out of that empty coconut of his) at 12 other Dopers. Bi Witch is closing the **Door of Doom** holding a toe tag between her thumb and forefinger. Yep you guessed it the Dopers are wearing hooded cloaks and are standing around a pentagram chanting “CECIL Show us the way!” **Bi Witch** Just throw your clothes over there and put the tag on your toe. You must prepare to open your mind as you are about to become our Sacrifice to Cecil **Jason** : Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/178 "2003-02-27T20:34:49Z")
GASP!!! This isn’t like the MPSIMS Dopefest threads at all! We’ve strayed ffrom the formula here and there but we must get some of the obligatory Chick cliches in there. ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/179 "2003-02-27T20:48:19Z")
Will Jason become Shish kabob for teh Evil minons of teh Straight Dope. Will Jasno’s house be burned to the ground in order to rid the world of sinfulness. Can Bob Save Jason before he’s sliced and Diced? And will the nefarious Cecil have his way and plunge the world into a darkness of **H** omosexuality, **O** peness, **R** ock, **R** oll playing, **O** rigin of the species, or **R** ebelliousness ? Tune in next time and see!! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2003, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652/180 "2003-02-27T20:55:32Z")
Will kingpengvin bother to preview his posts and stop with the typos??? Not bloody likely. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/create-your-own-tract-haw-haw-haw/155652.md?page=10)