# Creative answers for a question of "Where are you from"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 27, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257 "2010-09-27T19:49:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![put\_down\_the\_sabre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/da6949/32.png) [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/put_down_the_sabre)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/121 "2010-10-05T10:58:27Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > \ > > > [@acsenray](#): > > > > If all you’re interested is your own enjoyment and edification, then there’s no downside for you. I’m telling you from the other end of the conversation that you’re sending a meta-message, which is “I can tell by looking at you that you’re not one of us, so let’s discuss the ways in which that is true.” > > For the record, I’m not interested _only_ in my own enjoyment and edification (though I consider asking a question for my own edification–fighting ignorance–a perfectly worthy motive). I am also interested in other people enjoying and being edified. > > When I’ve been asked questions of background, or when I’ve asked it, the meta-message I’ve understood or intended has often been something like, “I suspect by looking at you or listening to you that your background is different from mine–yet here we both are! We may be different, but we must also be somehow the same. Both facts are interesting and good, so let’s discuss the ways in which that is true.” > > \ I actually think this gets to the heart of the problem. It’s been raised a few times that it is hard to take this question too angrily, because from the asker’s point of view, they are just asking an innocent question, and you’d have to be really sensitive to get uptight about it. What you say here is a perfect example of this, and your obvious lack of bad intentions are what people mean when they say “I know she’s just trying to be friendly”. And if it was a one-off, if you were the only person in your town who did this, maybe it wouldn’t be at all bothersome. You just want to make a connection. But now imagine that someone wants to ‘fight their own ignorance’ or ‘discuss how we got here’, to slightly mangle your words, several times _a day_, when I am just trying to go about my daily business. That is when it gets annoying. It gets annoying and sort of offensive when it constantly happens, which is why it gets complicated because you can’t blame a single asker for it constantly happening. But don’t you see that when I’ve been asked about where I come from at length several times already today, by people who just want to share stories as you describe, in a bookshop, when I’m trying to buy coffee and when someone overhears me talking on my mobile, and waits until I finish my call to ask me, that your apparently innocent pushing of the same line of questioning at a bar that night is very tiresome? pdts ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/122 "2010-10-05T11:15:31Z")
yesterday I was calling around for info on water softeners. One guy calls me back and starts to practically grill me on my last name, why I must be related to the boys who do his concrete work and do I know so and so. I told him 1) my name is pronounced different, 2) yes it’s spelled the same as the locals here but I assure you it is pronounced the way it is. I tried to steer the conversation back to water filters and he was having none of it. So he says, where are you from, you’re not Dutch are you? No I am not Dutch, and just to be kind to the old guy I say but my husband is. So he says where is your husband from, now through clenched teeth I tell him Chicago. next question from the grand inquisitor is How did you end up in GR? COmpletely fed up, I tell him oh we took the long route… he wanted to make chit chatty gossipy genealogy talk, all i wanted was to find out about his freaking Kinetico water softeners. When he calls back with an appt time, he wants to know if tonight would work out. I say no I have to shuttle kids around, OH? hs ears perk up, do they play ball? Beg your pardon, Your Kids, he says, do they play football? I was done with his nosy questions. Said I would call him back after I talked to my husband and hung up on him! ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/123 "2010-10-05T13:50:59Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > But why evade it? I imagine you make the subject seem much larger, and draw much more attention to yourself, doing so. Why not just have a simple factual answer ready and–in most cases, I would think–be done with it? Because, as per OP, the people will insist on volunteering random crap that you really don’t have the time for. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/124 "2010-10-05T14:43:57Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Exactly. I don’t mind if we’re talking about family, parents, etc, and it’s in the natural flow of conversation. What I DO mind is the freaking inquisition. The worst is levied upon those with no discernible accent but who clearly _look_ different. I’m certainly a prime example of that. Big ditto here. People who say things like “why don’t you just answer the questions?” obviously have never had to deal with this ever, much less their entire lives. It’s annoying and tiresome, and the ONLY reason we’re being asked these questions is because we look different. > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > It’s a reminder of people, purposely or unintentionally, grouping me differently. Pisses me off, and always catches me off guard. This is correct, although because I’ve come to expect the intrusion, it no longer catches me off guard. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/125 "2010-10-05T14:55:18Z")
I guess it catches me off guard because I’m not in a job or situation where I meet new people often. In college I was much more prepared, but in the 1.5 years since I’ve graduated it’s sporadic and does catch me off guard. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/126 "2010-10-05T17:10:16Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > I have far more sympathy for you, and never ask someone without an accent where they are from. I agree, it is rude. My mom did this once with a doctor who looked to be of Asian descent, but spoke without an accent. His deadpan answer was “Texas.” I felt badly for him, and was glad that he sort of put her in her place. And, see, the rude version of the question spoils it for all of us who actually _are_ looking for the equivalent of “Texas.” It’s perfectly natural for me to ask people, just to make conversation (in situations in which making conversation is appropriate, **chela** ), where they’re from, and what I’m looking for is the answer “Vancouver,” or “rural Nova Scotia,” or “New Jersey,” or whatever. (Mine is “I was born in New Brunswick, grew up in Winnipeg, but I’ve lived here for half my life.”) But sadly since people use the question as code for “My, you look different; explain yourself,” you can’t always get away with it. The best equivalent I’ve been able to come up with so far is “Are you originally from Montreal?” or “Have you always lived in Montreal?” since it invites the answer “Yes” as much as “No.” ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/127 "2010-10-05T18:11:50Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > The town/province/country of my raising? What if I said “Lexington, Kentucky” or Town of Muncie, Province of Indiana, Union of American States? What would you say then? I said it that way because I didn’t know whether the answer was in or out of the States. I would think you were odd if you said “Province of Indiana.” 😉 What would I say? I suppose it would depend on the larger context of the conversation and whether Lexington, or wherever, had any bearing on it. I might tell you where I was from, if I hadn’t already. I might not have to say anything about it, just file the information: **acsenray** is from Lexington, Kentucky. > [@acsenray](#): > > When I give an answer like “Urbana, Illinois,” I invariably get a confused and frustrated reaction, as in “Come on, you know what I meant to ask.” Sometimes the follow up question is explicit: “Yeah, but where are you _really_ from?” An answer _like_ Urbana, Illinois? I’m not sure if you’re saying that you answer truthfully IRL (but are keeping secrets here) and are not believed, or if you make up answers to confound people. I’ll assume you’re answering truthfully and your answer is not being taken at face value. I agree _that_ is offensive. I suppose the only response would be to repeat the factual answer with a slightly colder look and tone, and compel the asker to explain themselves. > [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](#): > > But don’t you see that when I’ve been asked about where I come from at length several times already today, by people who just want to share stories as you describe, in a bookshop, when I’m trying to buy coffee and when someone overhears me talking on my mobile, and waits until I finish my call to ask me, that your apparently innocent pushing of the same line of questioning at a bar that night is very tiresome? Yes, I understand. All I can say is that I’ve been thinking strictly of situations where people are already in conversation, or at least in a specific group together. I can’t really imagine overhearing a stranger in a public place and then accosting them with _any_ kind of question about their personal life (though I do believe in small pleasantries with strangers in all kinds of settings). On the other hand, if I _meet_ someone, their place-of-origin becomes one of the top half-dozen facts I’d like to know, to begin to understand who they are. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/128 "2010-10-05T18:19:16Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > I’ll assume you’re answering truthfully and your answer is not being taken at face value. I agree _that_ is offensive. I suppose the only response would be to repeat the factual answer with a slightly colder look and tone, and compel the asker to explain themselves. I honestly don’t want your advice. I want strangers to stop prying into my background because they think I look different. And seriously when I hear people talking about how interested they are in the exotic backgrounds of their new acquaintances, or statements like these – > [@Jeneva](#): > > I’m always interested in people’s ancestry, especially if they are exotic-looking – it’s a question that takes some delicacy in the asking. 😉 What comes to mind is someone oiling up to an attractive woman. “Wow, you’re exotic looking. Was you dad in the military?” ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/129 "2010-10-05T18:44:59Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > I honestly don’t want your advice. I want strangers to stop prying into my background because they think I look different. I was empathizing with you, or trying to–thinking about how I’d react in similar circumstances. I’m mystified by your bitterness here, and your refusal to explain your specifics makes it harder to work out. You _say_ want people to behave differently, so give us something to work with. I meet lots of people who are only too glad to talk about their origins. How can I _tell_ when someone I’ve met might be carrying around your kind of anger on the subject, and how should I speak to them? Must I carefully avoid references to my own, or third parties’, origins as well, or is it only yours that is verboten? ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/130 "2010-10-05T19:00:31Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > > [@Brynda](#): > > > > I have far more sympathy for you, and never ask someone without an accent where they are from. I agree, it is rude. My mom did this once with a doctor who looked to be of Asian descent, but spoke without an accent. His deadpan answer was “Texas.” I felt badly for him, and was glad that he sort of put her in her place. > > And, see, the rude version of the question spoils it for all of us who actually _are_ looking for the equivalent of “Texas.” Hmm, I can’t speak for everyone else, but I _know_ when people are asking what part of the state I’m from and when people are asking where my PARENTS are from. So **Matt** , I would gleefully answer you with “Southwestern PA, born and bred!” > [@acsenray](#): > > What comes to mind is someone oiling up to an attractive woman. “Wow, you’re exotic looking. Was you dad in the military?” I died and went straight to comedy heaven when Steve Carrell said this on the Office to Rashida Jones a few seasons back. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/131 "2010-10-05T19:42:32Z")
“Exotic-looking” or just “weird”? Because sometimes the first is OK but all too often it’s the latter and that is never OK. Here is a conversation I get a lot and I fucking hate it. “Oh, where are you from?” “I’m E. Indian.” or “I was born in India.” (See? Simple, easy answer…) “Oh, is it true in India that they have arranged marriages?” or “Did you have an arranged marriage?” Or, “I heard this article about India where they married a girl to a dog, what’s that about?” Or “I heard the Commonwealth games are really filthy, hey?” SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. If all you can think about is your negative stereotype of India I don’t want to hear it. If you are my friend and we have talked for a long time before, I may engage in some discussion on the faults and the good things about India. I don’t hesitate to criticize it but I certainly am not going to get into it with a relative stranger. * * * Here’s another one. “My name is Mika.” “Oh, that’s different. Where is it from?” “Different” can be sometimes good, but more often, if they mean it to be good, they say, “Oh, that’s a pretty name.” Different usually means, “I couldn’t spell that if I tried but I never will try and I will never balk at a single Polish name even though they can be WAY more difficult”. And I don’t understand why my name gives you license to assume I am a foreigner. Or my color. Like I said, my SO is totally American. He is named after one of the Founding Fathers, for chrisssakes! And because his eyes are a little bit slanted, people still think he’s a foreigner. * * * As I said, I certainly am not angry about it…but what makes you think I want to talk about it? If the conversation comes up naturally, sure, say something. Otherwise, I am from Michigan, or maybe Upstate NY, depending on which identity feels stronger at the moment. The thing is, spark240 claims to want to know because he thinks it has colored my view of the world, and made me a different person than other people he knows. Has it? Could you wait and get to know me a little better before you assume that? Because I guarantee, I don’t talk about my heritage IRL 1/5 as much as I mention it on the boards! And when I do mention it, I am happy to talk about it, because I brought it up! ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/132 "2010-10-05T19:52:56Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > To Brenda, pulkymell, and Surly Chick, it is different if you actually are a foreigner, is it not? I am not a foreigner, and as I said, i certainly don’t have a foreign accent. It comes across as “You have a weird name” or “You are substantially browner than the average person.” Yes. I don’t mind when I’m on vacation out of the country or mind that much when I’m in a place where my accent is notably different than the area standard. But when I’m in the city that I’ve lived in since I was a child and the answer “here” isn’t enough for the asker, it’s off putting. ---
**Author:** ![put\_down\_the\_sabre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/da6949/32.png) [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/put_down_the_sabre)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/133 "2010-10-05T20:05:50Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > I’m mystified by your bitterness here, and your refusal to explain your specifics makes it harder to work out. You _say_ want people to behave differently, so give us something to work with. I meet lots of people who are only too glad to talk about their origins. How can I _tell_ when someone I’ve met might be carrying around your kind of anger on the subject, and how should I speak to them? Must I carefully avoid references to my own, or third parties’, origins as well, or is it only yours that is verboten? It’s actually very easy. Think: if this person didn’t have a ‘different’ name, accent or appearance, would I ask them such a question at this point in my relationship with them. Easy. So: if you are at a point at a conversation where you might naturally ask a (eg) white American male called Mike where he is from, and where his parents are from, etc, then go ahead and ask. But if you wouldn’t ask Mike that early on, and are only asking because Harry talks funny or Indira looks like she’s from somewhere else, or Ito has a foreign-sounding name, then cram a sock in it. By analogy: would you ask a white American whether her family owned slaves instantly upon meeting her, or is that the sort of question that might wait until you knew her very well? pdts ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/134 "2010-10-05T20:13:59Z")
> [@Ignatz](#): > > Bethlehem I have a friend who was born in Bethlehem (and no, his name isn’t Jesus). ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/135 "2010-10-05T20:15:20Z")
**Anaamika** , please know I appreciate your post above very much. It goes into specifics to explain circumstances and resulting feelings. I believe I understand where you’re coming from. To clarify one point, > [@Anaamika](#): > > The thing is, spark240 claims to want to know because he thinks it has colored my view of the world, and made me a different person than other people he knows. Has it? Could you wait and get to know me a little better before you assume that? I assume this about _all_ people–that where they’re from, and where and how they’ve grown up, has colored their views and made them different from other people I know. These are hardly the only factors, of course, but as I mentioned, I tend to think of them as among the leading handful. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/136 "2010-10-05T20:37:23Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > I’m mystified by your bitterness here, and your refusal to explain your specifics makes it harder to work out. I really don’t know why you think you need specifics to work this out. I am not white, Hispanic, or African-American. I have a non-Anglo-Saxon, non-Hispanic, non-European name. I was born in and grew up in the United States and my accent is American. That’s all you really need to know in order to work this situation out. > [@](#): > > You _say_ want people to behave differently, so give us something to work with. I meet lots of people who are only too glad to talk about their origins. How can I _tell_ when someone I’ve met might be carrying around your kind of anger on the subject, and how should I speak to them? Must I carefully avoid references to my own, or third parties’, origins as well, or is it only yours that is verboten? I don’t know that I can give you any guidance, since you seem so wedded to the idea that asking complete strangers about their background is some kind of avocation of yours. I consider it rude to pry into someone’s background until _after_ you’ve established some kind of relationship. Let me ask you this: Is there any kind of person you _wouldn’t_ ask about their origins upon first encounter? ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/137 "2010-10-05T20:40:23Z")
> [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](#): > > It’s actually very easy. Think: if this person didn’t have a ‘different’ name, accent or appearance, would I ask them such a question at this point in my relationship with them. Easy. > > So: if you are at a point at a conversation where you might naturally ask a (eg) white American male called Mike where he is from, and where his parents are from, etc, then go ahead and ask. But if you wouldn’t ask Mike that early on, and are only asking because Harry talks funny or Indira looks like she’s from somewhere else, or Ito has a foreign-sounding name, then cram a sock in it. Sounds fair enough. I may already be meeting this standard in practice, I don’t know. > [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](#): > > By analogy: would you ask a white American whether her family owned slaves instantly upon meeting her, or is that the sort of question that might wait until you knew her very well? Hmm. That seems a much more specific question. No, I wouldn’t ask anyone ever for _historical_ accounts just upon meeting them. As it happens, I was just asked yesterday about my origins, by a brand-new acquaintance (customer, not a friend of friend), based on the wearing of an unfamiliar sports-logo cap. I gave my answer–the county, state with my deepest family roots in the New World, and where I grew up–though it is neither my birthplace nor present residence, nor anything to do with the cap logo. So there was some more talk of places (they were new to _this_ area), and I was asked which side my ancestors had taken in the war of 1861. All just pleasantly curious conversation, people getting to know people and a place, yet I get the sense that the _level_ of the queries in this case would have been disturbing to perhaps a couple folks in this thread, because of _inferences_ on the askee’s part about asker’s intentions and prejudices. So I guess what I’m wondering is if I’m (and all other white Americans, I guess) here asked to be _more_ circumspect when inquiring of people who look or sound more “different” or “foreign”–in other words to _exceed_ the standard **pdts** details above. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/138 "2010-10-05T20:55:25Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > As it happens, I was just asked yesterday about my origins, by a brand-new acquaintance (customer, not a friend of friend), based on the wearing of an unfamiliar sports-logo cap. I gave my answer–the county, state with my deepest family roots in the New World, and where I grew up–though it is neither my birthplace nor present residence, nor anything to do with the cap logo. The wearing of a sports logo is a de facto invitation for fans of that sport to ask about your sports loyalties and the origin of such sports loyalties (which often is related to the place where one grew up). So let me get this straight. You live in, say, Boston, and you were wearing, say, a Chicago Cubs cap, and this guy asked, hey, Spark, are you from Chicago? And you answer (something like): Well, I was born in Baltimore; but my family’s really from Philadelphia, which is where I grew up. (Why do I get the feeling that this brand-new acquaintance was gifted with much more information that he or she really wanted?) ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/139 "2010-10-05T21:47:22Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > I am not white, Hispanic, or African-American. I have a non-Anglo-Saxon, non-Hispanic, non-European name. I was born in and grew up in the United States and my accent is American. > > That’s all you really need to know in order to work this situation out. Thanks. You grew up in the United States, so the answer **I** would be looking for, should we meet and I ask you this, would be the region or town, and state, where that was. Pretty straightforward, and precisely the same thing I’d be looking for in asking a white American the same question. _Looking_ Korean, or Pakistani, and having the name and family heritage to match, is perfectly compatible with being as American as anyone–and is _not_ the same as actually being Korean, or Pakistani, in one’s own personal origin. Of course people whose personal origin (to me, more the growing up part than just the birth) is outside the United States can _become_ Americans as well. > [@acsenray](#): > > Let me ask you this: Is there any kind of person you _wouldn’t_ ask about their origins upon first encounter? Okay, to be clear, I don’t make a habit or “avocation” of investigating the origins of everybody I meet. Nor do I ask it of total strangers, out of the blue, ever. But I don’t consider people _total_ strangers after we’ve met, exchanged names and a few words. At that point, I might well ask, either out of friendly curiosity (which _might_ be derived from accent or appearance, or anything they’ve said, or whatever) or simply for the sake of continuing the conversation. No, I can’t think of any kind of person I _wouldn’t_ ask this about in a first meeting–not by way of introduction (though I’ve had people introduced to me, and been introduced, on this basis), but at some point, sure, perhaps. More or less as people might ask each other, on first meeting, what their profession was, or whether they had children, or whether they were watching the playoffs. Any of these might come up in some contexts, none is usually essential. > [@acsenray](#): > > So let me get this straight. You live in, say, Boston, and you were wearing, say, a Chicago Cubs cap, and this guy asked, hey, Spark, are you from Chicago? And you answer (something like): Well, I was born in Baltimore; but my family’s really from Philadelphia, which is where I grew up. > > (Why do I get the feeling that this brand-new acquaintance was gifted with much more information that he or she really wanted?) No, I didn’t offer all the background. Some comments upthread had mentioned multi-part answers to the question, and I meant to explain how my standard answer is more _concise_ than some, despite not being as simple as that of someone whose roots and whole life are all in one place. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2010, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257/140 "2010-10-05T22:58:30Z")
> [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](#): > > \ \*\*But at least in the UK, to come right out and ask this of someone you’ve just met would be considered not rude exactly, but a little bit uncouth. \*\* Maybe like asking someone how old they are: it’s hardly secret information, but does trigger a bit of a ‘why do you care?’ response. > > I have noticed that (white) Americans use ‘where are you from’ as a standard greeting/piece of smalltalk more than British people, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But when you are being asked in a slightly more inquisitive way because you don’t fit in in some way, and they won’t let you dodge the question, with some power imbalances (it is their country, after all, so you don’t want to be too rude), it gets tiresome. > > I know that some people like to be the centre of attention, and to talk about themselves to new people. I don’t, really, and the problem with a lot of people who ask the question is that they won’t let it drop, and they won’t let you get away with an evasive answer… they will keep pushing until you tell them. (The other option is to put your foot down, but then you look like an oversensitive jerk.) So it’s fine for the extroverts, but for the rest of us it really is like being put unwelcomely on the spot. > > But as I say, just one of life’s minor annoyances. > > pdts I quoted all of what you posted to show that I do see that you get that this is a cultural difference, but I think the part I bolded is a big part of your annoyance with this: It seems uncouth to you. I hope you get on a more than intellectual level that it isn’t uncouth to most Americans; in fact it is friendly. When I am in England, I try to get over my bias that NOT asking is unfriendly. Maybe you could try to get over your bias that it is uncouth. When in Rome and all that. This thread has mixed together furriners and Americans who are perceived to be “other”, which is unfortunate, as it confuses the issues. IMHO, if you chose to come to another country, it is your duty to adapt to the locals. If the locals like to be friendlier (or more distant) than is your preference, too bad. You accept that when you choose to move. I say this as the daughter of a German woman and the wife of a British man, so I claim some experience of sorts. On the other hand, if you are born here, but look as if you were born elsewhere, I have more sympathy for your frustration. You didn’t choose, and being asked where you come from must be difficult on a whole different level. You are being treated as “other” when you are not, unlike the emigrant who really is “other.” Nothing wrong with being “other” (I like it when I am in a different place) but not when you are not truly other. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creative-answers-for-a-question-of-where-are-you-from/555257.md?page=8)