# Creepy to look up a waiter on Facebook? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2013, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199 "2013-02-03T06:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/41 "2013-02-03T23:09:35Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > 😕 > > This is news to me. I’ve many times received PMs from (as well as sent a few to) people who weren’t connected to me in any way and they came to me in just the same way as any other message. I just checked mine a sure 'nuff I had a creepy “I love your smile” Facebook message in my other folder. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2013, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/42 "2013-02-03T23:10:19Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > FTR, my commentary was addressed more at the people in this thread like John Mace who don’t understand the difference between a public post meant for everyone to see and a personal social media profile that is typically for the purpose of conversing with friends only. Anyone who thinks Facebook is for “friends only” doesn’t understand Facebook. That’s one reason I don’t use it. I actually do have a FB page, which I started way back at the beginning because some of my friends thought it was the greatest thing. I used it for about 2 weeks and then lost interest. I still have the page, but have all the highest privacy settings. I still get an e-mail from FB about every 3 days asking if I know these people, usually about 10 or so. They are pushing your profile out there to the world. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2013, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/43 "2013-02-03T23:10:24Z")
FYI, commenting on the waiter’s nervousness made it more creepy and invasive, and removed it even further from being a professional remark to an overly personal one. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/44 "2013-02-03T23:20:04Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Anyone who thinks Facebook is for “friends only” doesn’t understand Facebook. That’s one reason I don’t use it. That is not what I said. I chose my words carefully and said precisely what I meant. I am very aware of how Facebook’s privacy settings work (and fail to work). I do not think Facebook is for “friends only.” I do think that most people use it primarily to converse with their friends. I am not making any kind of statement about what Facebook administrators might use Facebook for or where your data might be available or anything else. I understand that there are many people who are incapable of seeing the word “Facebook” in a discussion without leaping in to rant about Facebook’s privacy settings and how they are selling your data to the entire world and how much that sucks, but that is not the discussion we are having here. We are talking about whether it is creepy for a stranger to look up your personal information and then message you about it in the way the OP describes. Answer: Yes. Simply having a Facebook profile is not an invitation for every random stranger you meet on the street to message you on it. Particularly when that stranger doesn’t even know your full name. ---
**Author:** ![jack\_tardiff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/43a26b/32.png) [@jack\_tardiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jack_tardiff)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/45 "2013-02-04T03:21:54Z")
Are you ever going back to that restaurant? I wouldn’t. Just saying. Pretty weird thing to do. Not meant as an insult, but I sure would keep this thread in mind as a pretty random set of opinions centering on “woah, you did what now?” as a life lesson. Good, compassionate way of thinking, though – you sound like a good person. Was there alcohol involved when you messaged the waiter? Just guessing. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/46 "2013-02-04T03:50:45Z")
No alcohol involved. No I won’t be going back. Yes good life lesson. ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/47 "2013-02-04T04:00:04Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > A big group of friends and I were out tonight and got some really stellar service from a waiter who seemed very oddly nervous the entire time. It was perhaps the single most memorable service I’ve had in a while so I looked him up on Facebook and sent him a message thanking him and apologizing if we did anything to make him feel nervous. > > Was this out of line? I am thinking that this might be a bit creepy and all but I hope my good intentions will come through in my message. Needless to say I left a generous tip and a kind note on my receipt, but I still felt bad that something we had done might have made him so nervous! Very old school to give him praise but the traditional way would be to write to the restaurant owner/manager. Secrecy is ensured that way. Me, my usual line to a ‘nice’ waitress is to ask her, “Miss, would you like to work as a bank teller?” ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/48 "2013-02-04T04:05:43Z")
I would rate it as maybe a 2 or 3 on creepy level. It’s very simple to look up somebody on FB and all you did was send him a personal message complimenting him on his service. I would’ve left out the “hope we didn’t make you nervous” part. Yeah, I agree that telling management would’ve been better. Other than that, what’s the big deal? All you did was send a nice email to somebody that you had met earlier. I think some of you need to lighten up and maybe people wouldn’t be so paranoid all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/49 "2013-02-04T05:57:13Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Extremely out of line and creepy. He’s probably a gibbering wreck at work today. Totally agree. Good lord. If something like this had happened when I was waiting tables, I would have called the police about it. And would be terrified that you were trying to hunt down where I lived, too. Why wasn’t leaving the nice note enough for you? If you only know someone in a professional capacity (and barely know, at that), it’s pretty safe to assume that you are not welcome in their personal life absent an explicit invitation. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/50 "2013-02-04T06:43:44Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Anyone who thinks Facebook is for “friends only” doesn’t understand Facebook. That’s one reason I don’t use it. This isn’t relevant to why it’s creepy. He crossed a pretty well-established social boundary between what’s a work relationship and what’s a personal one. It’s the equivalent of chatting with the receptionist at an office you’re visiting for ten minutes, and then that night you used the name on her nameplate to look up her home phone number, call her, and make personal comments. It implies a level of… investment in this person that’s completely unwarranted by the level of contact they actually had. And there ARE dudes out there laboring under the delusion that the server is friendly with you because he/she LIKES you, rather than the fact that he/she is required to be by management and wants your damn tip. There is no way for a server to know you’re NOT that dude, especially if you’re crossing that bright professional/personal line. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/51 "2013-02-04T07:09:32Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Good lord. I would have called the police about it. Good lord is right. How about you tone down the hysterics _just a bit_, eh? ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/52 "2013-02-04T07:37:40Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Good lord is right. How about you tone down the hysterics _just a bit_, eh? I’m not being hysterical. I’ve called the police over overly-friendly phone messages from guys I’ve never heard of. I’ve been cyber-stalked, including threats which also prompted a call to police. I’ve been followed down the street on numerous occasions. I’ve had total strangers grope me in public. The world is a dangerous place, my friend, and I’m not shy about asserting and defending my safety with someone who shows me he doesn’t care about respecting appropriate boundaries. That’s what the police are _for,_ for crying out loud. If a stranger I spoke to briefly at work becomes so obsessed with me (by all appearances) that he hunts me down in my personal life, it’s fair to assume said obsession could be dangerous. As I’ve already said, it implies a level of “investment” in me that’s completely unwarranted by the level of contact we actually had. I have _no way of knowing_ if the guy is dangerously obsessed or beyond utterly clueless, but it’s the police’s job to figure that out, not mine. And it’s not worth risking my safety because “be nice” or “don’t make a scene.” Fuck that noise. [This really needs to be required reading for everybody.](http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198) Especially those who think that recognizing huge red flags is “hysterics.” ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/53 "2013-02-04T14:43:41Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Good lord is right. How about you tone down the hysterics _just a bit_, eh? Are you serious? I might not call but I sure wouldn’t put someone down for being afraid. To the OP, it would really disturb me and I’d see it as stalking, no matter how nice you were. But that’s just me. I couldn’t imagine insulting someone who felt prompted to call the police, sorry. It really was a kind thing you did but it could be totally misinterpreted. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/54 "2013-02-04T15:56:48Z")
OP: The waiter was your preferred gender, am I correct? Was there not some part of you that hoped this would lead towards a romantic encounter, or even just some general flirting? I imagine that if we were talking to a hetero man who contacted a female waitress via Facebook like this - people would be treating you a lot less kindly here. Luckily, the ambiguity of which direction your interests lie helps mitigate the creepiness factor. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/55 "2013-02-04T16:13:47Z")
Out of curiosity, on re-reading the OP, what exactly made this service so memorable? You seem to be saying that the waiter provided truly exceptional service, but on the other hand, the dude was apparently so nervous that you thought you’d done something to scare him, which to me does not seem to go along with “provided great service.” ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/56 "2013-02-04T16:40:39Z")
@Bob Ducca - You think people are treating me KINDLY in this thread? It’s been near unanimous that what I did was creepy, if not worthy of calling the police over. I think the only thing keeping people from being meaner is that I didn’t open it in the pit. In fact, I’m halfway surprised no one has pitted me over it yet. A few people have said it was somewhat creepy but not that bad, but I’m not seeing much kindness overall. To answer your question, he is my “preferred” gender, but I’m not interested in the waiter sexually, and I was not trying to be flirtatious. He doesn’t live or work anywhere near me, and I won’t ever see him again in my life. @MsWhatsit - The service was great because the restaurant was really busy (we waited nearly an hour for a table), but our waiter was attentive the entire time, kept our drinks coming regularly, made good recommendations, was knowledgeable and willing to share info about the town we were visiting, etc. When we asked him if he knew of any nice breakfast places for us to try, he told us about 3 different places and what they served so we could make a choice based on what we liked. In all likelihood I’ll never go back to that town again, I have no interest in ever seeing or hearing from this waiter again, and frankly at this point I hope my message went to his “other” inbox so that he never sees it. I’ve already admitted that I acted naively. ---
**Author:** ![Zjestika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/8edcca/32.png) [@Zjestika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zjestika)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/57 "2013-02-04T17:16:37Z")
> [@the\_diego](#): > > V > Me, my usual line to a ‘nice’ waitress is to ask her, “Miss, would you like to work as a bank teller?” Then what happens? It sounds like the set-up for something really dirty. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/58 "2013-02-04T17:34:13Z")
You know what? I think people need to calm the hell down. Most people working in service, sooner or later, someone they once served recognizes this, in some other setting. Usually it’s in a good way, “I’m going to give you the ‘special’ price. Wink, wink!” And sometimes it’s just a little ham handed, and every once in a long while it’s on the creepy side. My point is that most servers have a tougher skin than these reactions would demonstrate. They often find themselves in conversations/banter that would surely offend others. Mostly it just rolls off them. There may well be arching of eyebrows, and rest assure they’ll share it with their fellow servers, but that’s as far as it will go if you drop it here and don’t pursue it any further. This includes, apologies, commenting when next there, etc. Don’t. And don’t beat yourself up, it’s no biggie, really. Just don’t do it again! ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/59 "2013-02-04T17:36:52Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > @Bob Ducca - You think people are treating me KINDLY in this thread? It’s been near unanimous that what I did was creepy, if not worthy of calling the police over. Yes, people are treating you kindly. You asked what people thought of your action, and people are responding honestly. If everyone lied and told you what you apparently wanted to hear, how would those lies be “kind”? ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/60 "2013-02-04T17:42:13Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Yes, people are treating you kindly. You asked what people thought of your action, and people are responding honestly. If everyone lied and told you what you apparently wanted to hear, how would those lies be “kind”? I didn’t want lies. People have called what I did creepy, being a stalker, and worthy calling the police over. That’s fine, it’s what I wanted to hear. But giving honest opinions doesn’t always mean that you are being kind. Sometimes honest opinions are mean, and I’m fine with that. I don’t want to be lied to in the name of kindness, and I didn’t mean to imply that in my earlier post. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199.md?page=4)