# Creepy to look up a waiter on Facebook? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2013, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199 "2013-02-03T06:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/61 "2013-02-04T18:02:13Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > I didn’t want lies. People have called what I did creepy, being a stalker, and worthy calling the police over. That’s fine, it’s what I wanted to hear. But giving honest opinions doesn’t always mean that you are being kind. Sometimes honest opinions are mean, and I’m fine with that. I don’t want to be lied to in the name of kindness, and I didn’t mean to imply that in my earlier post. OK, we cool. BTW, why did you change your cover pic the other day? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/62 "2013-02-04T18:07:16Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > I’m not being hysterical. I’ve called the police over overly-friendly phone messages from guys I’ve never heard of. I’ve been cyber-stalked, including threats which also prompted a call to police. I’ve been followed down the street on numerous occasions. I’ve had total strangers grope me in public. The world is a dangerous place, my friend, and I’m not shy about asserting and defending my safety with someone who shows me he doesn’t care about respecting appropriate boundaries. > > That’s what the police are _for,_ for crying out loud. If a stranger I spoke to briefly at work becomes so obsessed with me (by all appearances) that he hunts me down in my personal life, it’s fair to assume said obsession could be dangerous. As I’ve already said, it implies a level of “investment” in me that’s completely unwarranted by the level of contact we actually had. I have _no way of knowing_ if the guy is dangerously obsessed or beyond utterly clueless, but it’s the police’s job to figure that out, not mine. And it’s not worth risking my safety because “be nice” or “don’t make a scene.” Fuck that noise. > > [This really needs to be required reading for everybody.](http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198) Especially those who think that recognizing huge red flags is “hysterics.” So you would call the police and say that “this guy I don’t know left me a message on my Facebook page and it really creeped me out. Arrest him!!!” What would the police do, exactly? What crimes were committed here? Help me understand what role the police would have here. Honestly. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/63 "2013-02-04T18:13:57Z")
To be fair, I did not leave him a message on his Facebook page. I sent him a private message that no one else but him would see. Not sure if this makes what I did creepier or less creepy, or more or less worthy of calling the police over. But I keep seeing people conflating the two things so I want to make it clear what I did. I don’t feel like coming back to this thread anymore because frankly I feel like at this point I realize what I did was wrong and it’s just making me feel worse to keep addressing it. I’d like to just move on now, learn from what I did, and forget the whole thing as best as possible. So, if I don’t respond to any more questions it’s not because I’m ignoring you guys, I just don’t feel like there’s anything else I can add or answer that will do me or you any good. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/64 "2013-02-04T18:22:18Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > So you would call the police and say that “this guy I don’t know left me a message on my Facebook page and it really creeped me out. Arrest him!!!” What would the police do, exactly? What crimes were committed here? Help me understand what role the police would have here. Honestly. Police don’t generally jump straight to arresting people, no. They typically investigate first. With the weirdo who somehow got his hands on my phone number and called me telling me that he “doesn’t like drama” and I should tell him what I like and when I want to meet up for a date – never met the guy, or heard of him, or had any idea how he got my phone number, and had no idea if he’d somehow gotten his hands on MORE info beyond my phone number, like where I lived – the police listened to the message, traced the phone number he left to his house, and the police in that city paid him a visit. He claimed to not know anything, hadn’t done anything, blah blah blah, like you’d expect. So the cops gave him a talking to about not randomly phoning up girls you don’t know expecting a date, and that was pretty much the end of it. Hopefully the chat with the nice officers impressed upon him that being creepy and stalkerish had consequences. He never attempted to call again, he lived at the other end of the state, and so that was all fine. At the same time, IF this guy had been mentally unbalanced enough to not stop when spoken to, **I would have a paper trail** to establish that this was a pattern of behavior, which is helpful for things like prosecution and getting a restraining order. They do have anti-stalking laws these days. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/65 "2013-02-04T18:39:22Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Police don’t generally jump straight to arresting people, no. They typically investigate first. > > With the weirdo who somehow got his hands on my phone number and called me telling me that he “doesn’t like drama” and I should tell him what I like and when I want to meet up for a date – never met the guy, or heard of him, or had any idea how he got my phone number, and had no idea if he’d somehow gotten his hands on MORE info beyond my phone number, like where I lived – the police listened to the message, traced the phone number he left to his house, and the police in that city paid him a visit. He claimed to not know anything, hadn’t done anything, blah blah blah, like you’d expect. So the cops gave him a talking to about not randomly phoning up girls you don’t know expecting a date, and that was pretty much the end of it. Hopefully the chat with the nice officers impressed upon him that being creepy and stalkerish had consequences. He never attempted to call again, he lived at the other end of the state, and so that was all fine. > > At the same time, IF this guy had been mentally unbalanced enough to not stop when spoken to, **I would have a paper trail** to establish that this was a pattern of behavior, which is helpful for things like prosecution and getting a restraining order. > > They do have anti-stalking laws these days. I wasn’t asking you about your previous run-ins with crazies that prompted calls to the police, I am asking what would the police’s role be HERE in this example of the OP. The one in which you said you would call the police. If the police were called every single time an unwanted FB message was received, they would be fielding calls ALL DAY LONG and be doing nothing else. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/66 "2013-02-04T18:49:00Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > If the police were called every single time an unwanted FB message was received, they would be fielding calls ALL DAY LONG and be doing nothing else. They have yet to respond to my Farmville complaint, and it has been over a month. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/67 "2013-02-04T19:24:28Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Farmville Ack! Now _there’s_ a crime! ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/68 "2013-02-04T19:32:57Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > That is not what I said. I chose my words carefully and said precisely what I meant. I am very aware of how Facebook’s privacy settings work (and fail to work). > > I do not think Facebook is for “friends only.” I do think that most people use it primarily to converse with their friends. I am not making any kind of statement about what Facebook administrators might use Facebook for or where your data might be available or anything else. I understand that there are many people who are incapable of seeing the word “Facebook” in a discussion without leaping in to rant about Facebook’s privacy settings and how they are selling your data to the entire world and how much that sucks, but that is not the discussion we are having here. We are talking about whether it is creepy for a stranger to look up your personal information and then message you about it in the way the OP describes. Answer: Yes. Simply having a Facebook profile is not an invitation for every random stranger you meet on the street to message you on it. Particularly when that stranger doesn’t even know your full name. This was not two random strangers meeting on the street. But yeah, if you don’t set your privacy settings right, it is an invitation for any random person to contact you. Pretending that it isn’t is simply naive. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/69 "2013-02-04T19:39:19Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > This was not two random strangers meeting on the street. > > But yeah, if you don’t set your privacy settings right, it is an invitation for any random person to contact you. Pretending that it isn’t is simply naive. No, it isn’t. An invitation is a deliberate act. An invitation for someone to send you a Facebook message might take the form of: telling them to send you a Facebook message; sending them an email asking them to message you; or giving them your full name and telling them to look you up on Facebook. Allowing the capability for strangers to send you messages (whether intentionally or unintentionally) is not the same as inviting them to send you messages. Again, the question isn’t, “Should the waiter have different Facebook privacy settings?” or “Should the waiter be surprised or upset by the OP’s behavior?” It is, “Was the OP’s behavior creepy?” And again, the answer is yes. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/70 "2013-02-04T19:50:15Z")
Setting up a Facebook account is a deliberate act. Pretending that Facebook is some restrictive thing for just you and your friends is an act of stupidity. I’m just not seeing what the OP did as creepy. If it had included an invitation to go see a movie and have drinks sometime, that would be creepy. But what he did wasn’t really any different than if he sent a note to the guy’s work address complimenting him on his job. The OP was just trying to be nice. It’s sad when every act of kindness is treated as some creepy stalking routine. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/71 "2013-02-04T19:56:23Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I wasn’t asking you about your previous run-ins with crazies that prompted calls to the police, I am asking what would the police’s role be HERE in this example of the OP. The one in which you said you would call the police. If the police were called every single time an unwanted FB message was received, they would be fielding calls ALL DAY LONG and be doing nothing else. Being “creepy” is certainly not a crime. Unlike the example you gave of someone _somehow_ finding your unlisted phone number and calling and leaving unwanted messages; the example in the OP (the one which you said you would call the police over) was about someone going online to a restaurant’s website and finding one of it’s employees there. From that point, a FB account was found-perfectly innocently-and a message was sent. What the fuck would the police be called for? ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/72 "2013-02-04T19:58:38Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Setting up a Facebook account is a deliberate act. Pretending that Facebook is some restrictive thing for just you and your friends is an act of stupidity. > > I’m just not seeing what the OP did as creepy. If it had included an invitation to go see a movie and have drinks sometime, that would be creepy. But what he did wasn’t really any different than if he sent a note to the guy’s work address complimenting him on his job. The OP was just trying to be nice. It’s sad when every act of kindness is treated as some creepy stalking routine. The correct analogy is sending a note to his home address. The OP knows where the guy works, because that is where he met him. Sending a note to his work address would be normal and okay. Sending it to his home address would mean doing a bit of research to figure out his name and where he lives, and that would propel this action into creepy. Same thing with Facebook. Yes, parts of your profile are public, so that people can find you and friend request you. Your house number is public, too. That doesn’t mean that having your address listed in the phone book is an invitation for every stranger you meet to look you up there and send you unsolicited mail. Taking the interaction from work to private is what makes this creepy, as has been pointed out. You are over-focusing on the Facebook aspect. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/73 "2013-02-04T20:15:43Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > The correct analogy is sending a note to his home address. The OP knows where the guy works, because that is where he met him. Sending a note to his work address would be normal and okay. Sending it to his home address would mean doing a bit of research to figure out his name and where he lives, and that would propel this action into creepy. Same thing with Facebook. Then why don’t people ever (or usually ever) put there home addresses in their FB profiles? If it’s the same thing? Why don’t people feel comfortable doing this? Because most people understand FB isn’t a very private place. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/74 "2013-02-04T20:18:15Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I wasn’t asking you about your previous run-ins with crazies that prompted calls to the police, I am asking what would the police’s role be HERE in this example of the OP. The one in which you said you would call the police. If the police were called every single time an unwanted FB message was received, they would be fielding calls ALL DAY LONG and be doing nothing else. Why do you think the process would be appreciably different? The only difference between the two cases is the medium used to transmit the unsolicited message. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/75 "2013-02-04T20:24:00Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > The correct analogy is sending a note to his home address. The OP knows where the guy works, because that is where he met him. Sending a note to his work address would be normal and okay. Sending it to his home address would mean doing a bit of research to figure out his name and where he lives, and that would propel this action into creepy. Same thing with Facebook. Yes, parts of your profile are public, so that people can find you and friend request you. Your house number is public, too. That doesn’t mean that having your address listed in the phone book is an invitation for every stranger you meet to look you up there and send you unsolicited mail. > > Taking the interaction from work to private is what makes this creepy, as has been pointed out. You are over-focusing on the Facebook aspect. I’m just not seeing a difference, in this day and age, between a note sent to the guy’s work and a PM sent to his F/B page. If you don’t want people to contact you on F/B, don’t use it, or set your security settings accordingly. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/76 "2013-02-04T20:28:36Z")
> [@](#): > > What the fuck would the police be called for? For demonstrating a level of interest unwarranted by the actual contact. _Stalking laws exist._ I’ve said this three times now. Searching for someone on FB (when you don’t even know their full name) isn’t that different than googling for someone’s phone number. Seriously? ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/77 "2013-02-04T20:29:00Z")
I think threads like this always comes down to the difference in how things work between the sexes. In this particular case, you probably very rarely get men having been sent random Facebook messages that turn into bad things. On the other hand, most women probably get that all the time, their entire lives. So, guys don’t seem to completely grok how awful such a thing _could be_ (or has been in the past) and women are viewing it through a lifetime of experience. I think that’s key. And just to note, I typically haven’t had the same things happen to me that a lot of ladies on this board describe. Sure, occasionally, but not enough to ever make me feel singled out or fear for my safety. But I realize that just because that’s not my life doesn’t mean it invalidates theirs. Just saying. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/78 "2013-02-04T20:33:29Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I’m just not seeing a difference, in this day and age, between a note sent to the guy’s work and a PM sent to his F/B page. If you don’t want people to contact you on F/B, don’t use it, or set your security settings accordingly. A note to the guy’s work keeps the interaction, if you will, still within the framework of their previous meeting. Going through Facebook takes that a step further… they now have information about you that you don’t A.) have about them or, B.) even realize that they’ve gotten. Further, it establishes an interest beyond the bounds of the interaction. He had to go look him up versus accessing the place he already “knew” him from. And I don’t think the OP did anything all that bad in light of his personality. Plus, I think he was extending a kindness. But the issue here is how must people would take this and that is where I think his good intentions probably fell flat in reality. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/79 "2013-02-04T20:36:22Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I’m just not seeing a difference, in this day and age, between a note sent to the guy’s work and a PM sent to his F/B page. If you don’t want people to contact you on F/B, don’t use it, or set your security settings accordingly. Then I guess we are at an impasse. To me, this is like saying “If you don’t want a stalker sending you letters in the mail, don’t have a mailbox.” (I am not equating the OP’s behavior with stalking; I am just pointing out that simply because someone CAN use a particular medium to contact you does not mean that they should or that it is socially acceptable for them to do so.) I have my Facebook settings set so that strangers can message me. This is so that if someone friend requests me, they can also message me to let me know who the hell they are. It is not so that Joe Q. Public can search my workplace, figure out who I am, and tell me that he thought I was looking hot at the coffee shop last Thursday, or whatever. I recognize that Joe Q. Public is _capable_ of sending such a message. That does not make it okay or acceptable for him to do so. There are many things in society that we do not do even though it is technically possible for us to do them. ---
**Author:** ![Frazzled](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frazzled/32/3368_2.png) [@Frazzled](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frazzled)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2013, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/80 "2013-02-04T20:41:01Z")
Don’t be too hard on yourself DrewTwo99. Lesson learned and if you’re going to make a fool of yourself it’s best to do it in front of total strangers in another city. No harm no foul [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199.md?page=5)