# Creepy to look up a waiter on Facebook? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2013, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199 "2013-02-03T06:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/101 "2013-02-05T00:26:07Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > For another thing, the medium does make a difference. A phone call requires a response, even if it’s just ‘Hello?’ and ‘Who is this?’ and ‘click’. An FB message doesn’t. If the waiter wants to ignore it completely, like it doesn’t exist, he can. Again, the call you got demanded something of you which this message doesn’t demand of the waiter, which makes the call creepier. A person can ignore/delete voicemails without response, too. Whether it’s WISE to ignore a creepy message is another question entirely. And commenting on a stranger’s emotional state (jee, you seemed so nervous!) is pretty inappropriately personal. > [@](#): > > Also, from everything I’ve read, anti-stalking laws deal with patterns of behaviour, not with once-off contacts. A pattern of contact was established when he didn’t stop after the handwritten note. Also: paper trail / police reports. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/102 "2013-02-05T02:32:58Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Sending a non-threatening Facebook message is not even remotely close to stalking. nm ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/103 "2013-02-05T06:39:50Z")
I must have missed where he said he left a note in the first place. Yeah, I kind of agree now that the FB message might have been pushing the issue. Still, I wouldn’t call the cops. But, I’m a guy so it’s different. I can imagine for a woman how this might freak/creep them out a little. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/104 "2013-02-05T10:50:55Z")
Good fucking grief, people. The OP went out of his way to compliment somebody. Yeah, he’s a real dick. The nerve! :rolleyes: Calling the POLICE over a benign FACEBOOK MESSAGE? Are you serious? People like that are why there’s never a cop around when you actually need one, they’re too busy dealing with hysterical bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/105 "2013-02-05T12:10:31Z")
It seems unusual. I mean, he was probably thinking, “He looked me up?” It probably felt awkward and stalkerish. It should have been better if you’d just thanked him in person. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/106 "2013-02-05T13:54:24Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > Good fucking grief, people. The OP went out of his way to compliment somebody. Yeah, he’s a real dick. The nerve! :rolleyes: The traditional way to complement a waiter is in person at the restaurant, in person to the restaurant management, or via letter/phone to the restaurant management. Most (not all, certainly) people would feel that looking up a waiter on Facebook that you’ve had one interaction with and sending them a message was a bit creepy, certainly out of the norm. I grant that not everyone would feel that way but I think the majority would. Would you feel the same way if a customer showed up at your doorstep to thank you in person? I think the vast majority would agree that this would be over the line. Looking someone up on Facebook falls somewhere on the spectrum between the two extremes. IMO it’s far enough out of the norm that I don’t think the reactions here are to be unexpected. People are told to listen to their gut and if something makes you feel uncomfortable, it does. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/107 "2013-02-05T14:53:20Z")
Yeah, on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is totally normal and 10 is bunny-boiling crazy, I put this behavior somewhere around like a 5 or a 6. Kind of creepy but not worth calling the police or freaking out over. Now, if the OP continued messaging or escalated to phone calls or whatever, then OK, freak out. But just one message? Kind of creepy, nothing more. If I got something like that as a waiter, I’d probably be slightly wigged out, would think that the guy in question had poor social skills, might keep an eye out for him at the restaurant for the next week or so, and then I’d forget about it. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/108 "2013-02-05T16:16:05Z")
I’m going to regret wading into this, but… > [@Kaio](#): > > A pattern of contact was established when he didn’t stop after the handwritten note. Also: paper trail / police reports. First of all, there was no handwritten note, unless I am seriously misreading the OP. The FB message was in lieu of a note, after reflecting later on the good service received. Second, you keep bringing up this paper trail for the benefit of the police investigation, which somehow translates into actually calling the police. What’s wrong with just saving the FB message in case you hear from this person again? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/109 "2013-02-05T16:24:28Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > First of all, there was no handwritten note, unless I am seriously misreading the OP. The FB message was in lieu of a note, after reflecting later on the good service received. Sorry – I did indeed miss the comment about the note on the receipt. ---
**Author:** ![tagos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@tagos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tagos)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/110 "2013-02-05T17:05:13Z")
Maybe another post telling him you know where he lives and where his kids go to school will help put his mind at rest? It certainly can’t hurt. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/111 "2013-02-05T20:32:47Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > Good fucking grief, people. The OP went out of his way to compliment somebody. Yeah, he’s a real dick. The nerve! :rolleyes: > > Calling the POLICE over a benign FACEBOOK MESSAGE? Are you serious? People like that are why there’s never a cop around when you actually need one, they’re too busy dealing with hysterical bullshit. Wow. I wasn’t aware that people would actually think about _calling the police_ for a _Facebook message_. That’s just silly. Jesus, you call the cops over for emergencies, not for stupid shit like this. I understand that it was a little out of line for the OP to be looking up a waiter on the internet and thanking him there, but calling the police? All you have to do to get someone to shut up on PM’s or email, is to just not respond - and that’s the end of it. Okay really? What’s the police going to do? I bet he/she would just get pissed off about calling them for such a trivial issue (it’s not even an issue actually). Police have better things to do (such as saving people’s lives, etc.) and they shouldn’t have to be called over for trivial shit like this. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/112 "2013-02-05T20:55:02Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > Wow. I wasn’t aware that people would actually think about _calling the police_ for a _Facebook message_. That’s just silly. Unless it’s not. It can be just a silly thing (and by all indications this was) but there is a reason there are stalking laws. How do you distinguish between a poor choice by someone with questionable social skills and the first step of a stalker? It’s not always easy, and if the person receiving the unwanted message hears warning bells I’m not going to discount their feelings. Personally, as a guy, I’d ignore the message and think little of it other than to tell my co-workers to be on the lookout if this guy comes back. But any additional attempt at unwanted communications and I might check with the cops. It’s their job, and it’s not trivial to get them involved if you feel uneasy. Cops constantly say “trust your gut” if something is giving you an uneasy feeling. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/113 "2013-02-05T21:00:34Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Unless it’s not. It can be just a silly thing (and by all indications this was) but there is a reason there are stalking laws. How do you distinguish between a poor choice by someone with questionable social skills and the first step of a stalker? It’s not always easy, and if the person receiving the unwanted message hears warning bells I’m not going to discount their feelings. > > Personally, as a guy, I’d ignore the message and think little of it other than to tell my co-workers to be on the lookout if this guy comes back. But any additional attempt at unwanted communications and I might check with the cops. It’s their job, and it’s not trivial to get them involved if you feel uneasy. Cops constantly say “trust your gut” if something is giving you an uneasy feeling. Yes, now if the person starts sending messages again, then we may have a problem, however I don’t think it’s sensible to immediately call the cops after one post. If he had started receiving unwanted communication from the OP, in that case, they should have called the cops and checked in with them. However, as long as the OP doesn’t send anymore messages, I don’t think police involvement is necessary. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/114 "2013-02-05T22:12:08Z")
> [@Anonymous User](#): > > However, as long as the OP doesn’t send anymore messages, I don’t think police involvement is necessary. But you and I aren’t in the same situation as the person who first started talking about calling the cops, not the OP by the way. That user has been in several cyberstalking situations and may have a lower danger threshold than you. It’s hard to make blanket statements when dealing with complex issues. Lord knows I’m guilty of that here on the Dope as well. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/115 "2013-02-05T23:09:48Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > They have yet to respond to my Farmville complaint, and it has been over a month. “I’m getting too _old_ for this manure!” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/116 "2013-02-06T15:57:54Z")
The thing is, it might have been a tad creepy but I think Facebook users are going to have to be accustomed to the fact that the times they are a’changing. FB is so open to the public, anyone can get onto it and even at the highest level of privacy you aren’t 100% hidden. And most people don’t have the highest level of privacy set on their FB accounts. I think we are almost coming to the age where e-mail addys and FB accounts are going to be as ubiquitous as phone numbers, and if you don’t want to be contacted, you have to opt out. And I think before long it won’t really be considered creepy at all to drop a note on someone’s FB page. How could it, if you are leaving it open to all and sundry, and it’s the work of two seconds to look it up? And I say this as a woman who has been the recipient of intrusive phone calls and e-mails. I deal with it by not being on FB at all, and my number is not listed in the phone book, and I am very careful about my online security. I understand everyone cannot take this route. But it will come with this added lack of privacy. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199/117 "2013-02-06T16:13:20Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > That user has been in several cyberstalking situations and may have a lower danger threshold than you. I can understand that, but it doesn’t change the situation. They are over-reacting - they might have their reasons, but it’s still an over-reaction. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/creepy-to-look-up-a-waiter-on-facebook/649199.md?page=5)