# Cruel (but hilarious) men jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 29, 2000, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963 "2000-09-29T02:17:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/1 "2000-09-29T02:17:56Z")
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay? A: They don’t have time. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: They don’t stop and ask for directions. Q: What do men and sperm have in common? A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer. Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature! Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don’t know; it has never happened. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow. Q: When do you care for a man’s company? A: When he owns it. Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge. Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire. Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes. Q: What did God say after creating man? A: “I must be able to do better than that.” Q: What did God say after creating Eve? A: “Practice makes perfect.” Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They’re married. Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says: “So you would love her.” “But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?” God says: "So she would love you. Why do men prefer beautiful dumb women? Because they can see better than they can think. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/2 "2000-09-29T02:29:15Z")
Q. How can you tell when a man is lying? A. His lips are moving ---
**Author:** ![Whammo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8dc957/32.png) [@Whammo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whammo)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/3 "2000-09-29T02:31:36Z")
☹ ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/4 "2000-09-29T02:35:45Z")
Hey, Whammo, if I have to put up with blonde jokes… How do you tell if a man is ready for sex? Check to see if he’s breathing! ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/5 "2000-09-29T03:11:04Z")
Now that one I like! You’re a hard, cruel woman, Zy! ---
**Author:** ![Tabithina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f04885/32.png) [@Tabithina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabithina)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/6 "2000-09-29T03:16:39Z")
If a man is standing alone in the middle of a forest, and he’s talking, and there’s no one there to hear him talk, is he still WRONG??? 😛 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/7 "2000-09-29T03:43:10Z")
There ARE somes things easier than understanding a man-nailing jello to a tree, for instance… ---
**Author:** ![silent\_rob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@silent\_rob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silent_rob)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/8 "2000-09-29T03:54:22Z")
☹ Well, what the hell: Q: What are the only three words a man knows? A: “That’s my car.” I still don’t really get that one, but it’s the only man joke I know. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/9 "2000-09-29T04:30:02Z")
How many guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, because a single guy will screw anything. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/10 "2000-09-29T04:45:05Z")
I want to lodge an official protest. I will as soon as I’m done loading paper in the printer–my wife will love these. ---
**Author:** ![muffinman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@muffinman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muffinman)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/11 "2000-09-29T05:21:44Z")
I beg to differ… My girlfriend claims I take too long during sex. “Hurry up before I get dry.” She also gets impatient during foreplay and will often knock me on my back and jump me. ---
**Author:** ![muffinman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@muffinman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muffinman)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/12 "2000-09-29T05:24:08Z")
Also, contrary to popular belief, not all guys will screw anything that moves. My best friend and I had a long drawn out conversation about how losing ones virginity to someone special makes you realize that you DON"T want sex with just anyone. Females that had me horny as an antler don’t phase me any more. I can’t see anyone but my beloved Tazzy as sexy. ---
**Author:** ![Homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/13 "2000-09-29T06:36:49Z")
Wuss. –Tim ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/14 "2000-09-29T09:18:26Z")
Wow muffinman, thanks for sharing. You’ve really opened my eyes. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/15 "2000-09-29T09:32:07Z")
muffinman, that was mean and totally unnecessary. Mea culpa. Cursed insomnia! ---
**Author:** ![Aglarond](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@Aglarond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aglarond)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/16 "2000-09-29T15:10:06Z")
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.” “What’s the problem, Adam?”, God replies. “Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy” “Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens. “Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.” “Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.” “What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?” “This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.” replies the heavenly voice. “Sounds great.” “She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.” “How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies. She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, and an ear." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?” You asked for it. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/17 "2000-09-29T15:17:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dropzone \* > \*\*I want to lodge an official protest. I will as soon as I’m done loading paper in the printer–my wife will love these. \*\* My wife always loads the paper into the printer. I’ve never figured out how to do it. Hey, hon, we got any cold beer left? ---
**Author:** ![KimKatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ac91a4/32.png) [@KimKatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KimKatt)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/18 "2000-09-29T15:24:07Z")
God looks into his stash of gifts to bestow upon his two new humans, and tells them, “I have only two gifts left to give to you. The first is the ability to pee standing up, and the sec–” Adam breaks in right there. “Oh, God, can I have that one? It’s so cool! I’ll be able to go anywhere I want, any time I want. I’ll be able to write my name in the snow. It just seems like such a ‘guy’ thing to do. Please, God, please, can I have that gift?” God consents, and Adam is given the ability to pee standing up. Adam runs off giggling like a kid in a candy store, marking his territory as he goes. God then looks at Eve and says, “Now, let’s see what else I have here. Ah, yes. Multiple orgasms.” ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/19 "2000-09-29T16:15:10Z")
KimKatt, yer _wicked!_ I like that in a woman. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Oicu812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f475e1/32.png) [@Oicu812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oicu812)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963/20 "2000-09-29T16:25:36Z")
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting. O * * * vidi vici veni! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cruel-but-hilarious-men-jokes/34963.md?page=2)