# Crunchy Frog is getting married... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 9, 2000, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309 "2000-10-09T21:05:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/1 "2000-10-09T21:05:51Z")
virtually. To me. Oh joy & happy day. There’s just one problem. I need bridesmaids. Any volunteers? I promise I won’t make you wear hideous dresses that make your butts look huge, your ankles look thick, or your breasts look like they don’t exist or are trying to escape. If you’re interested in being a part of this joyous occasion please reply to [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=41575) thread. We still need: A preacher ot justice of the peace, bridesmaids, groomsmen, a photographer, an organist/pianist, a DJ (or band) for the reception, a bartender, a caterer, a florist… ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/2 "2000-10-09T21:19:38Z")
Can I be the drunk who gets thrown out of the reception? ---
**Author:** ![Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Bottle\_of\_Smoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bottle_of_Smoke)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/3 "2000-10-09T21:24:51Z")
Jack, I didn’t know you were at my wedding! ---
**Author:** ![Kvallulf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@Kvallulf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kvallulf)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/4 "2000-10-09T21:35:37Z")
No Way Jack, I already have that gig! ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/5 "2000-10-09T21:38:44Z")
Jack - I believe you are now one of two drunks at the wedding. Here are the ground rules. 1. No puking on anyone in the wedding party 2. No puking on the wedding cake 3. If you must start a fight, please don’t hurt anyone other than whom you are fighting with & don’t smash my cake 4. No bleeding on anyone in the wedding party. Ready, Set, Drink! ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/6 "2000-10-09T21:46:46Z")
Well, it looks like the role of the drunk uncle is taken already. In that case can I be the hyperactive little kid who rushes around the joint, ducking under the tables, eating all the marachino cherries out of the open bar and then violently vomiting up a huge splash of blood-red gore on the bright white tablecloth? ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/7 "2000-10-09T21:59:55Z")
Inky - Would you like to be the ringbearer? You can tease the virtual flower girl & pretend to be disgusted when she tries to kiss you. ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/8 "2000-10-09T22:09:39Z")
I’d love to! Give me half a chance and I’ll trip over the train of your dress, simultaniously tripping you and accidently tossing the ring into the bushes. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/9 "2000-10-09T22:13:53Z")
May I officiate? Pleeeeeeese? [sup]Oh holy shit, will this ever be good.[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/10 "2000-10-09T22:17:25Z")
Uncle Beer - I’d be honored. I’m not sure what we’re doing about vows yet. From the tone of the marriage competition I’m thinking we’ll have to write our own. Inky - If you trip me, I swear, you’ll be the first ringbearer ever to be spanked during the ceremony.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/11 "2000-10-09T22:20:17Z")
I’d like to take this opportunity to practice my drunken tirade: Ahem "Goddammit, I shaw her firsht. I loved her firsht, and that sonuvabitch stole her all away from me. Don’t look at me like that you little shit, I don’t care whose godamn wedding this izh. It’sh okay, I’m cool, I’m cool. . . . SONUVABITCH!! I’d kick your ash if my chick wazhn’t here. Bartender, another scotch, and easy on the godamn ice cubes this time. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/12 "2000-10-09T22:21:51Z")
I’d like to be the leader of the reception band. You know, the band that will randomly break into a Judas Priest tune at the most inopportune time. My band and I will do it in exchange for free drinks at the virtual bar. Whaddya say? ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/13 "2000-10-09T22:22:49Z")
Can I do the reading (of Bible/other religious book of choice)? Finally, a chance to show off what I’ve learned in writing my now-pointless dissertation. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/14 "2000-10-09T22:28:45Z")
littl\*bit, can I be the mother of the bride? I’ll sit in the front pew in a peach-colored chiffon dress, crying, and saying “My baby, my baby”, and at the reception, I’ll drink too much champange and start telling people “I don’t know what little\*bit sees in that awful CrunchyFrog, I wanted her to marry that nice 2sense, but nooooo, she had to marry this worthless so and so…” _sniff_ How can you do this to your mother? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/15 "2000-10-09T22:29:00Z")
🙂 ::cackles evilly:: I know what I’m going to do at your wedding! HA HA HA!! ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/16 "2000-10-09T22:32:39Z")
Jack, that was beautiful. Keep drinking & working up that unjustified anger. By the time the reception rolls around you should be a screaming frothing mess. THespos, I believe Silver Fire’s band was hired in the other thread. Perhaps you & your band can come as guests & take the stage during the regular band’s breaks. Duke, I don’t see why you can’t do a reading at the ceremony. I think you should talk to Crunchy Frog about being a groomsman/usher. ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/17 "2000-10-09T22:35:00Z")
You know what we still need? We need that couple of grandarents who are so elderly that they seem unsure of where that are and what’s happening around them. The grandfather can sit there, stiff and glassy-eyed. Grandma will occasionally take her denture plate out of her mouth and wash it in the crystal water glass. Then, when the videographer shows up and asks them to give a message to the bride and groom they can say: Videographer: Would you like to say something to the happy couple? Grandma: (loudly, in grandpa’s ear) Papa! PAPA!! he want’s you to say something! Grandpa: Haaampah? Grandma: (shouting) Papa! He says to give wedding message for Little and Crunchy! Grandpa: I told her, I told her never to marry a wop! And what does she go and do!? Grandma: "It’s “Frog” dear. “Crunchy Frog”. Grandpa: Well, the french are just as bad!! Grandma: Have some more wine dear… ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/18 "2000-10-09T22:37:20Z")
afisofia - it sounds like you’ve got the part down pat. Thank you so much for volunteering. Zoggie - listen here you little under-aged trollop. Don’t make me shove boquet down your throat. 🙂 (actually, I’m not worried. I’ll keep the groom so worn out he won’t have the strength for anyone else) ---
**Author:** ![little\_bit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@little\_bit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/little_bit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/19 "2000-10-09T22:39:44Z")
agisofia, agisofia… (It’s sad when you can’t even get your mother’s name right.) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2000, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309/20 "2000-10-09T22:51:27Z")
'salright, little\*bit. I’m planning on changing is soon anyway. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frog-is-getting-married/36309.md?page=2)