# Crunchy Frog's New and Improved Welcome Wagon, everyone invited **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 23, 2001, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067 "2001-04-23T23:51:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2001, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/1 "2001-04-23T23:51:58Z")
Hello again, boys and girls. First, **I don’t want to be the only welcomer here, I’m asking any regs who feel like joining in to help me out**. Doing this all by myself last time was tiring. Second, for those who don’t know about it, here is the link to the original [Welcome Wagon](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=45294). I found the easiest way to sift through the 9 pages of that thread is to **not** read the newbies’ posts. Read my posts, since I quote the pertinent information from the newbie. It’ll cut your reading time by half or more. So for those who don’t read the original thread (and it’s not necessary by any means), here’s the rules for the newbies: 1. Give me some info about yourself. Don’t just pop in here and say, “Hi, I’m new. Welcome me, dammit.” If you don’t give some info about yourself, we won’t know how to personalize your welcome. 2. Don’t write a freakin’ book about yourself, either. We just met you, it’s a little early in our relationship for you to be sharing your life story, ok sparky? 3. Hi, Opal! 4. Take all welcomes with a grain of salt. If you read the original thread, my welcomes are not all happy-happy, joy-joy, glad to have you here BS. It’s playful teasing, all meant in fun, please take it as such. 5. Feel free to ask questions, we’re here to help as well as mock, but please do a search first. There’s only so many times I care to explain what felching is. 6. There is no… rule number 6. 7. All female newbies must send nekkid pictures of themselves to me, via email. These are the rules, I’m not making this up. ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/2 "2001-04-23T23:58:44Z")
Hi, I’m new here. Welcome me, dammit! :d&r: ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/3 "2001-04-24T00:02:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\*7) All female newbies must send nekkid pictures of themselves to me, via email. These are the rules, I’m not making this up. > \*\* I knew there was something I forgot last time. That nekkid picture is on it’s way. I mailed it yesterday, with my student loan check, I swear. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/4 "2001-04-24T00:02:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TruePisces \* > **Hi, I’m new here. Welcome me, dammit!** :sigh: There’s always one… ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/5 "2001-04-24T00:09:50Z")
TruePisces spaketh: “Hi, I’m new here. Welcome me, dammit!” Punha (reporting for duty as Welcome Wagoner helper to CF): TruePisces has posted in thy thread, myLord. CF: What sayest thou in this matter, good sir punha? How wouldst thou describe her post? Punha (To CF): Tedious and brief. CF: Tedious and brief? Surely it cannot be both, forsooth! Punha: It is a play of ten words, my Lord, and at ten words it is too long. CF: Forsooth! I must off to see this “tedious and brief” post of hers. Surely it cannot be both! Punha: [shouting, as CF has rode off on his trusty steed _Ni_] But it is, my Lord! Thine eyes will be harmed by its briefness! CF: [fading] Brevity, my poor helper! [sub]The word is brev . . .[/sub] [CF cannot by this point be heard] ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/6 "2001-04-24T00:22:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > \*\*CF: [fading] Brevity, my poor helper! [sub]The word is brev . . .[/sub] [CF cannot by this point be heard] \*\* This is my favorite bit, because apparently **iampunha** thinks I would have known that. He doth overestimate my grammar skills. (I’m not even sure about that last sentence as I hit “submit” anyway…) ---
**Author:** ![reprise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@reprise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/reprise)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/7 "2001-04-24T00:23:16Z")
now get to work, there have been SOOOOO many newbies lately, and they’re all awaiting your special touch. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/8 "2001-04-24T00:25:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by reprise \* > \*\*…there have been SOOOOO many newbies lately, and they’re all awaiting your special touch. \*\* And I look forward to touching them all. 😉 Especially the ones who obey rule #7. ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/9 "2001-04-24T00:26:21Z")
I dislike Mustard. I am skinny. My name is Mercutio. Call me Mercution and Die. I love you, Crunchy. Main Objective: Roast the mods. ---
**Author:** ![GilaB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@GilaB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GilaB)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/10 "2001-04-24T00:33:00Z")
Oooh ooh! I get to be one of the first newbies. (Well, I’ve been here for a month, but still…) My name is GilaB because I have no imagination and couldn’t come up with anything interesting/funny/obscure. I’m a college student in the New York area, I’m majoring in biology-not-pre-med (my general answer to the question - it’s a preemptive strike on the next q), and I’m Jewish, which prevents me from meeting requirement 7 (those darn modesty rules!). I, too, dislike mustard, along with pretty much every other condiment known to man. Welcome me, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![Wastrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f17d59/32.png) [@Wastrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wastrel)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/11 "2001-04-24T00:50:27Z")
I’m just popping in to say hi. I mean, let me go into Dickens-length detail on my life…I mean let me summarize. I’ve been a lurker for 2 years now and only just got brave enough to join in March. I’m a wanna-be programmer, I enjoy writing and reading, and posting here at SDMB. My name fits me well, because I’m also lazy, wasteful, and extremely sarcastic, cynical and witty. Sometimes too much for my own good. So you’d better welcome me, dammit… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Farren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@Farren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farren)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/12 "2001-04-24T00:52:24Z")
At first, I decided to reply just because I wanted to be first. Too late for that, I guess 😉 Personal info: I work in the dreaded [customer service industry](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=68289), delivering pizzas. (I haven’t posted in that rant yet, but as soon as I work up the courage … maybe a few months from now?) Mustard is an abomination unto my palate, as are most other condiments. No book about myself, but I’ll attach a fifty-page pamphlet. It’ll be interesting reading. Honest. Would I lie? 😃 (Let’s see, fully loaded salt shaker standing by. check. post in complete compliance with rules #3 and #6. check.) Oh, and one other tidbit of personal info: I’m moving out of my home of 22 years soon. Wish me luck. (Argh, in between composition and preview, someone else slipped in! must … post … now …) ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/13 "2001-04-24T00:59:18Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Mercutio_ > \*\* I dislike Mustard. I am skinny. My name is Mercutio. Call me Mercution and Die. I love you, Crunchy. Main Objective: Roast the mods.\*\* Ummm… yeah. Well, welcome aboard, **Mercutio**. Try not to hump my leg in this thread, ok? I would tell you I love you too, but then that would just be leading you on and I have enough troubles IRL with people mistakenly thinking I’m gay, I don’t need it online also. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GilaB \* > **My name is GilaB because I have no imagination and couldn’t come up with anything interesting/funny/obscure. I’m a college student in the New York area, I’m majoring in biology-not-pre-med (my general answer to the question - it’s a preemptive strike on the next q), and I’m Jewish, which prevents me from meeting requirement 7 (those darn modesty rules!). I, too, dislike mustard, along with pretty much every other condiment known to man.** Ok, **GilaB** - and you too, **Mercutio** - see that little thing to the left of your post? Why, \ it’s your name! So please take this: “My name is GilaB” back to the Department of Redundancy Department where it belongs. Now then, **Gila** , you’re a college co-ed, huh? Don’t you realize that is exactly the type of person rule #7 was created for? I don’t care how modest you are, rules is rules is rules, and I need that nekkid pic. No one but myself will ever see it. (Excepting of course mods and admins and anyone with PayPal) What the hell’s wrong with mustard? What do you people put on a hot dog?! Bunch of frikkin weirdos! > [@](#): > > **Welcome me, dammit!** Don’t you take that tone with me, young lady! Unless you _want_ to be bent over my knee for a right good spanking… ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/14 "2001-04-24T01:06:53Z")
Hey! No fair! You weren’t giving out spankings last time! ::sniff:: All we got was the ever so melodious “Bite Me!” ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/15 "2001-04-24T01:11:21Z")
::sobs:: ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/16 "2001-04-24T01:17:33Z")
_ **Wastrel** _ says: \*\* > [@](#): > > I’m just popping in to say hi. I mean, let me go into Dickens-length detail on my life…I mean let me summarize.\*\* So you’re just here to take up space. I mean, to ramble incoherently…I mean get the fuck on with it already. \*\* > [@](#): > > I’ve been a lurker for 2 years now and only just got brave enough to join in March.\*\* This was a brave step for you? Wow, what an exciting life you must have led. I bet you’re the life of the party as you spin exciting yarns about pinochle games and the local bridge club. And that one time you were playing Spades and bid 2 club, when you really should have bid 3. You’re a wild one I can tell. I bet you let go of the handrail on the escalator and raise your arms in the air and yell, “Whee!” cuz rules mean mothing to your type. Your on-the-edge lifestyle has led you down dark roads from time to time, such as the day you drank milk straight from the carton, even though the date stamped on it was two days previous. You didn’t even sniff the milk first. You wild man. \*\* > [@](#): > > My name fits me well, because I’m also lazy, wasteful, and extremely sarcastic, cynical and witty. Sometimes too much for my own good. \*\* Sorry, seems you’ve confused yourself with me. It’s ok, it happens. I’m used to it now. Lots of guys want to be me. The ones that don’t want to be me want to be **Esprix**. It’s true. MIT did a study on it. _ **Farren** _ says: \*\* > [@](#): > > Personal info: I work in the dreaded customer service industry, delivering pizzas.\*\* Now I know who to bitch to next time Papa John’s doesn’t give me extra garlic dip like I asked for. You bastard! \*\* > [@](#): > > (I haven’t posted in that rant yet, but as soon as I work up the courage … maybe a few months from now?)\*\* I don’t care what you do in a week, or tomorrow, or hell - I don’t care what you’re doing right now. Post, don’t post. In a month, it’ll likely be old and gone. As for working up courage, talk to **Wastrel**. He’s a real rebel and can help you out. \*\* > [@](#): > > Mustard is an abomination unto my palate\*\* What the hell is wrong with you people? \*\* > [@](#): > > Oh, and one other tidbit of personal info: I’m moving out of my home of 22 years soon. \*\* So is that “2” I saw under your name your post count or your age? ---
**Author:** ![TruePisces](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/truepisces/32/13628_2.png) [@TruePisces](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruePisces)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/17 "2001-04-24T01:25:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > **I would tell you I love you too, but then that would just be leading you on and I have enough troubles IRL with people mistakenly thinking I’m gay, I don’t need it online also.** You mean you’re not?!!! And I thought all this wimmins stuff was nothin’ but an act! Now I don’t know whether to be relieved or afraid now that I’ve sent in those pics I promised. [sub] **TP** wonders idly how long it will take **Crunchy** to put her over his knee[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/18 "2001-04-24T01:28:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arden Ranger \* > \*\*Hey! No fair! You weren’t giving out spankings last time! \ All we got was the ever so melodious “Bite Me!” \*\* Ok, ok, bend over and I’ll give a spanking, but I don’t want this to get to be a habit with you people… Ok, **Arden** , what’ll it be? Paddle, hand, or cat o’nine tails? **Mercutio** , don’t take it so badly. Have you seen the original Welcome Wagon? It’s like I suddenly start to channel Don Rickles when I do this. And **Farren** I misread that bit about you moving out. I thought you said you will be moving out of your house _in_ 22 years, not your house _of_ 22 years. That one word sure made a difference in the meaning of that sentence. ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/19 "2001-04-24T01:28:25Z")
Since I missed the first thread and can’t resist such well crafted abuse… I’m a redhead who is addicted to flirting. I also tend to drink heavily if properly motivated. Bring on the pain Crunchy… ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/20 "2001-04-24T01:33:51Z")
Hi, I’m MsRobyn, chat’s resident vacuous twit. Well, chat’s resident something. CF, honey, if I sent you nekkid pictures, you’d be in therapy for years to come. Robin [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067.md?page=2)