# Crunchy Frog's New and Improved Welcome Wagon, everyone invited **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 23, 2001, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067 "2001-04-23T23:51:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/121 "2001-04-30T00:46:00Z")
Damn. **Newbie Lesson #4** - Always preview. I don’t care if you _think_ you’ve been doing this long enough that you know the code well enough not to screw it up. Preview. Preview is your friend. Otherwise, your post will look like my last one. Double damn. ---
**Author:** ![Meaves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Meaves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meaves)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/122 "2001-04-30T01:21:08Z")
> [@](#): > > **This is the _worst_ attempt at mimicking a Penthouse Forum letter I’ve ever seen. I’m getting you a subscription so you can read up and polish your erotic prose-writing skills.** Well, if I _must_ look at the dirty magazine I’m not paying for, then I suppose I must…😉 > [@](#): > > **If you must wear clothing, it should be _lingerie_. Don’t just say _underwear_. There’s nothing sexy about the word _underwear_. Fruit of the Loom tighty-whitey is _underwear_. I wear _underwear_. A woman needs a thong and a garter belt, or lacey bustiers, or a merrywidow… .** How about a bathing suit? A really…little bathing suit? > [@](#): > > **Combat boots? No. Heels, woman, heels! Have you never seen porn?** I never bother with heels, since I’m short enough that when wearing them I’m _still_ way under average height. It just defeats the purpose entirely. But I am, saddly, an avid porn watcher. Much porn in my house. Too much. > [@](#): > > \*\*Nurses do nothing for me as a result. (Except that one I elecrocuted myself in an attempt to impress her…) \*\* And once more, it’s back to the drawing board. So, the saxaphone was passable, then? I was gonna go with a flute, but **Alyson Hannigan** just ruined the instrument for me. I will become a Penthouse woman. You’ll see. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/123 "2001-04-30T01:31:17Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Meaves \* \*\* > [@](#): > > But I am, saddly, an avid porn watcher. Much porn in my house. Too much.\*\* For this, I declare you my new favorite newbie. Although, for future reference, I’ll have you know there is no such thing as too much porn. > [@](#): > > **So, the saxaphone was passable, then? I was gonna go with a flute, but Alyson Hannigan just ruined the instrument for me.** At first, I was going to rip the sax too, but then I thought about it. If it was an alto sax, that’s pretty phallic. Plus, there’s the added imagery of you having to um… moisten the reed before you start to blow. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/124 "2001-04-30T01:51:36Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Meaves \* \*\* > [@](#): > > I never bother with heels, since I’m short enough that when wearing them I’m _still_ way under average height. It just defeats the purpose entirely. But I am, saddly, an avid porn watcher. Much porn in my house. Too much. > \*\* As no doubt Crunchy will eventually point out, it’s not about height, it’s about what elevating the heel does to the shape of the calf and what walking like that does to the shape of the buttocks. As to the “much porn-too much” I suspect that is a matter of personal preference; too much porn is sort of an oxymoron in certain circles. Unless it’s all stuff starring Ron Jeremy. In which case one tape is too much. So send pics and we’ll suggest the type of heels, color, etc. In the meantime, with Crunchy’s leave, Bite me. 🙂 b. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/125 "2001-04-30T02:05:17Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Billy Rubin \* \*\* > [@](#): > > So send pics and we’ll suggest the type of heels, color, etc. In the meantime, with Crunchy’s leave, Bite me.\*\* What the hell is this? You’ve been here less than two months and under 100 posts and you think you can have my newbies bite you? You get to bite me in her stead for this little bout of insubordination. \*\* > [@](#): > > As no doubt Crunchy will eventually point out, it’s not about height…\*\* He’s right here though. Height doesn’t matter when you’re on your back. Except for men. Height _does_ become a facotr if you a man lying on his back - and I don’t think I need to spell out what I mean by that. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/126 "2001-04-30T02:16:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\* What the hell is this? You’ve been here less than two months and under 100 posts and you think you can have my newbies bite you? You get to bite me in her stead for this little bout of insubordination. \*\* I DID clearly say “With Crunchy’s leave”. And I ws in fact following your instructions, making sure that there was no question about my insincerity and sarcasm. But consider yourself bitten anyway. b. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/127 "2001-04-30T03:02:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Crunchy Frog \* > \*\*BTW - **Newbie Lesson #3 (or 4? I lost count already)** > Look above 2 posts to **dogbulter’s** reply to my post where I establish that this is not a touchy-feely-cuddly thread. There is no need to quote the entire post, newbies. It takes up unneeded space. In the above example, he only needs to quote the first couple sentences to establish what he’s replying to. > > And **dogbutler** , don’t take this as me picking on you, but unlike the last Welcome Wagon thread, I’m actually trying to use this thread to educate the newbies a little more than last.\*\* I’m sorry,Crunchy. Don’t worry about picking on me, I can take it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/128 "2001-04-30T03:51:51Z")
**Crunchy Frog** : Darn tootin’ dogs get all the good jobs! Cats just want to sit home watching “Jerry Springer” all day and eating flower arrangements, and the fact that they have more trouble getting gainful employment compounds the problem. I think somebody should apply for a grant to to study just exactly _why_ people don’t make a practice of hiring more cats. If I have to deal with one more cat who can’t make the rent, I’ll self-destruct. I like porn, too. ---
**Author:** ![cogito\_ergo\_doleo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@cogito\_ergo\_doleo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cogito_ergo_doleo)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/129 "2001-04-30T08:16:38Z")
Dear Mr. Crunchy Frog, While trying to disentangle myself from some previous threads I came across your quotation from the Book of Amphibian. An Epiphany! Better than my trip along the road to Damascus. Now I realize how you progressed so quickly from Polywog to Megawog. It has changed my life. My Bible did not contain the lost Book of Amphibian so I ran out and stole a copy of the Prince Charles version of the Gideon from a local motel.I studied until my eyes gave me such pain… I had been feeding my tadpoles on mosquito larvae,Twinkies and single malt scotch, mistakingly believing this diet would allow them to develop their full potential. I was so wrong. Antelope is the answer. Since adding antelope burgers to their feed trough they have trebled their birth weight and have grown at least four times their birth length. And tough! Yesterday the little buggers dragged a heron into their pond and beat the shit out of him before plucking out his tail feathers and then throwing him up on the bank.I was so proud of them. I am posting, Mr. Frog, to tell you how my chance encounter with your wisdom has benefited my little friends and me: and to say Thank You, Thank You ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2001, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/130 "2001-04-30T21:36:27Z")
**cogito ergo doleo** : Dude, you really need to cut back on the LSD intake, ok? How about dropping down to only 3 hits a day? Just for starters. That post was about as coherent as a drunken conversation between Bob Dylan and Keith Richards at a Rave. That post reminded me of when I was keeping a tape recorder by my bed (I’m a wannabe novelist) and would record thoughts I had in the middle of the night. One night I woke up with an epiphany, the key to the plot that would tie everything together. I lunged for the recorder to make sure I got all my thoughts out before they faded. The next morning, all that was on the tape was, “Eh feenen mundlar his zacturat and then he deedles the oppenwisher and fundly.” I never found out what the hell that was supposed to mean. I’m feeling the same way about that post of yours. BTW - What does your handle mean? You think therefore you’re a pineapple? Or you think therefore you’re Bob Dole? ---
**Author:** ![grayhairedmomma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/47e85d/32.png) [@grayhairedmomma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grayhairedmomma)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2001, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/131 "2001-05-01T22:39:05Z")
_kneeling humbly before the Great Crunchy Frog_ I have been lurking (addicted) to the SDMB for about a year. I am 26, female, work in DC, live in MD, like condiments in moderation (except mayonnaise - yecch), am quiet, enjoy reading pretty much anything and lead a generally uninteresting life. I cannot send nekkid photo of myself because ummmmmmmmm…my camera will not take pictures of people with no clothes on. _rises gracefully, gently nipping Crunchy on the way up_ ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2001, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/132 "2001-05-02T21:49:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mornea \* > **I am 26, female, work in DC, live in MD, like condiments in moderation (except mayonnaise - yecch), am quiet, enjoy reading pretty much anything and lead a generally uninteresting life.** OMG! I’ve found my soul mate (except for the mayonaisse thing)! So what’s with you newbies and the condiment thing? One person says on ething and you all latch onto it? You’re a bunch of sheep! (Which incidentally, is only turning me on more - whoops, I’m sorry, was that TMI?) \*\* > [@](#): > > I cannot send nekkid photo of myself because ummmmmmmmm…my camera will not take pictures of people with no clothes on.\*\* That is the worst lie I’ve heard since I tried to tell that cop that I was _not_ naked, he just couldn’t see my clothes. \*\* > [@](#): > > _rises gracefully, gently nipping Crunchy on the way up_\*\* So what are the odds of continuing this sentiment in emails? 😉 _Grrrrooowwwwllll_ ---
**Author:** ![Shadowsabre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Shadowsabre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowsabre)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/133 "2001-05-03T02:07:46Z")
Hi! My name is Shadowsabre, as it should say over on the left of your screen. I’m new! My main interest is Transformers. I hope to be a good poster on this board, and to not do stupid things. Bye! _Disappears from thread_ ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/134 "2001-05-03T07:19:15Z")
Well Crunchy Frog, as a fellow Airman you should welcome me - dammit. I am 22 years old, and in the USAF (for the next 26 days). I am finishing my sentence, oops I mean my enlistment of four years, and heading back to Wisconsin. I spend my work days locked in a Top Secret vault. Because of this all of my hobbies require that I be outside. Right now my big thing is jetskiing. Oddly enough this has lead to an unhealthly fear of dolphins. Thats all you need to know. I could tell you more, but I’d have to kill you ---
**Author:** ![brewha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@brewha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brewha)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/135 "2001-05-03T07:43:11Z")
I guess I shouldn’t assume so much. CF could very well be the enemy, I mean an officer. Also I meant to mention that my screen name points out my drunkeness. I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/136 "2001-05-03T13:27:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by brewha \* > \*\*I guess I shouldn’t assume so much. CF could very well be the enemy, I mean an officer. \*\* Don’t worry. Crunchy used to work in Intelligence. He no longer has anything to do with intelligence. ``` Welcome aboard, brewha ``` ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_D\_oh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/839c29/32.png) [@Jane\_D\_oh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_D_oh)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2001, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/137 "2001-05-03T14:33:50Z")
One more newbie checking in. Long time lurker, awaiting the BMN command. You should have my pics by now. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/138 "2001-05-04T00:53:11Z")
_ **Shadowsabre** _ \*\* > [@](#): > > I’m new! My main interest is Transformers.\*\* Transformers? You mean the toys or the electrical equipment? How old are you exactly? BTW - I’ll have you know that an army of GI Joes would kick the crap out of the Transformers. Nobody can beat Duke, Flint, and Gung-Ho. > [@](#): > > **I hope to be a good poster on this board, and to not do stupid things.** We all hope for the former. It’s too late for the latter. _ **brewha** _ reports as ordered \*\* > [@](#): > > I am 22 years old, and in the USAF (for the next 26 days). \*\* Hey, a short timer! Are you even bothering to go to work anymore? My last month, I just wrote “outprocessing” on the sign out board and slept in till noon. \*\* > [@](#): > > I spend my work days locked in a Top Secret vault.\*\* What do you do? I was in a classified building all day with no windows because, as **lurker** said, I used to work for AF Intelligence (68th IS at Brooks AFB in San Antonio). I was a 1N6x1. And I was not an officer. I left as an E-4. \*\* > [@](#): > > I could tell you more, but I’d have to kill you\*\* :rolleyes: Damn, that line’s so old, it could’ve been Jesus’s prom date. _ **Jane D’oh!** _ \*\* > [@](#): > > One more newbie checking in. Long time lurker, awaiting the BMN command. \*\* Cool name, lame post. You displease me. I give you to my lackey **brewha** to do with as he pleases. And I never got your pix. Resend them or face my wrath, which was previously known as Fred, but is now calling itself Beatrice. (My wrath is going through a period of self-discovery right now.) ---
**Author:** ![PicklePea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecd19e/32.png) [@PicklePea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PicklePea)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/139 "2001-05-04T04:25:58Z")
::bites Crunchy Frog:: I am twenty and a flight student at Spartan School of Aeronautics in Tulsa, OK. The first SDMB thread I ever read was Scylla’s [goat porn](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=33909). I was very pleased to have such a pleasant intro. I hate mustard with all my being. I, too, was once stalked by a goose (at the Denver Zoo). My favorite cuisine is Thai food. MY cat, Cleo, is Satan’s bride. The only picture of me nekkid was taken underwater, and the WALMART 1-hour guy chuckled as he handed the rest of the roll to me, saying he couldn’t develop one of the pictures. But hey, I’ve still got the negative. I am a fan of porn, but alas, Oklahoma doesn’t allow for it. Oh, and I love to ski (I’m from Denver, CO) and do so at least once a year. ---
**Author:** ![donnie\_rotten](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/71e660/32.png) [@donnie\_rotten](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/donnie_rotten)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2001, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067/140 "2001-05-04T05:05:19Z")
**Crunchy Frog** , I’ll try to give you as much cannon fodder as I can… I’m 25, and live in sunny, tropical Ottawa, Ontario. I work as a web designer, and when I’m not sitting in front of a computer turning a nice pasty white I can be found biking (summer) and snowboarding(winter – doing it the other way around is really hard on the edges of my board). I actually registered a while back, but I guess I’m kind of a newbie, since I don’t really post all that often. If I don’t have anything of value to contribute to a thread, I keep my mouth shut. Most of this pointless drivel is covered in my profile, but oh well. Thank you sir, may I please have another? 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crunchy-frogs-new-and-improved-welcome-wagon-everyone-invited/63067.md?page=8)