# Crush on Co-Worker---How to Cope ? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 20, 2019, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369 "2019-07-20T21:07:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jim\_Taggart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9dc877/32.png) [@Jim\_Taggart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_Taggart)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/1 "2019-07-20T21:07:44Z")
I have a mad crush on a co-worker (she’s married so nothing will happen), I can’t leave the job because of the high pay, I feel like a school boy with this. Any ideas ? ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/2 "2019-07-20T21:21:15Z")
Listen to This American Life, episode 674 _Get a Spine._ The first act is Dan Harmon’s apology to a colleague with whom he “fell in love” with and then proceeded to make her life hell. [Get a Spine! - This American Life](https://www.thisamericanlife.org/674/get-a-spine) Remember, it’s not her fault how you feel, lots of people have inappropriate thoughts and feelings, but adults manage how they act. Get over it and find someone appropriate to have romantic feelings for; I know that sounds trite, but it is the only answer. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/3 "2019-07-20T21:58:29Z")
Grow up. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/4 "2019-07-20T22:11:01Z")
I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t complete tasks, I couldn’t meet deadlines. I got over it, and fell in love with someone. Then I really got fucked. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/5 "2019-07-20T22:11:46Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Grow up. Kinda nasty, don’t you think? The dude’s asking for coping strategies, which is a grown up thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/6 "2019-07-20T22:16:37Z")
I’ve never known “get over it” or “grow up” to help anyone in that situation, child or adult. A crush is by its nature not eternal. It’s not falling in love, which would require a deeper relationship than you have or can hope to have. Try not to feed it. That is, don’t find excuses to be where she is, even though the crush will be urging you to do this. Crushes tend to idealize, so look for her faults. (If you can’t find any, your crush is the fictitious version of her you have in your head and not the woman, herself.) Finally, ask yourself what qualities, physical or otherwise, she has that you find so beguiling. Then get out there and look for someone with those same qualities. Or with other attractive qualities. But get out there. And best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/7 "2019-07-20T22:18:13Z")
Do you work with Natalie Morales? ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/8 "2019-07-20T22:31:51Z")
> [@Jim\_Taggart](#): > > I have a mad crush on a co-worker (she’s married so nothing will happen), I can’t leave the job because of the high pay, I feel like a school boy with this. > Any ideas ? If you want to stay at the job with the high pay, you will, at all times, be professional and civil. Under no circumstance are you to let her know in any way, shape, or form that you think of her as anything other than a valued colleague. Then go find someone else outside work. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/9 "2019-07-20T22:37:15Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > If you want to stay at the job with the high pay, you will, at all times, be professional and civil. Under no circumstance are you to let her know in any way, shape, or form that you think of her as anything other than a valued colleague. > > Then go find someone else outside work. I definitely agree with all of this. When I was in my 20s, I twice developed pretty intense crushes on colleagues. In both cases, I only felt that way for a fairly short time, though the crushes definitely made meetings where the objects of my crushes were present uncomfortable for me. In time, the intensity of the crushy feelings faded, and in neither case did it turn into a long-term problem for me. ivylass’s advice is spot on, for a ton of reasons, including your own job security. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_McQwark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4da419/32.png) [@Steve\_McQwark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_McQwark)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/10 "2019-07-20T22:38:25Z")
What nelliebly said is what worked for me. I just kept reminding myself of the incompatibilities between us that would make a relationship impossible, and eventually I got past it. Good luck. And on preview, ivylass’s advice is spot on as well. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/11 "2019-07-20T23:40:13Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > That is, don’t find excuses to be where she is, **even though the crush will be urging you to do this.** Oh dear God, this! The crushee may even be a bit turned on by your attentions and encourage you. Or if management finds out and forbids any contact that isn’t work related or is outside work, she may take it personally and get mad at you for not wanting to get fired. [/voice of sad experience] ---
**Author:** ![PoppaSan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/poppasan/32/189_2.png) [@PoppaSan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoppaSan)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/12 "2019-07-20T23:45:48Z")
Fixate on the negative attributes. Notice the not perfect. But keep it all to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2019, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/13 "2019-07-20T23:53:12Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > Crushes tend to idealize, so look for her faults. (If you can’t find any, your crush is the fictitious version of her you have in your head and not the woman, herself.) > [@PoppaSan](#): > > Fixate on the negative attributes. Notice the not perfect. But keep it all to yourself. I once heard\* a good tactic to get over someone is always imagine a bad smell, or that they smell badly. She’ll be out of your mind in no time! \*This is no shit. Some kind of study. Heard it on a radio program. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/14 "2019-07-21T00:15:27Z")
Nothing like a good fart to put the kibosh on a crush. Maybe suggest bean burritos for office lunch? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/15 "2019-07-21T00:36:02Z")
Your new mantra should be, “Just calm down! This will pass, I just need to wait it out!” ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/16 "2019-07-21T00:40:45Z")
Say nothing and do nothing that is even the least unprofessional to her. When you start having distracting thoughts about her, shove a straightened paper clip under one of your fingernails until it draws blood. After a while, the crush will fade. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/17 "2019-07-21T00:53:21Z")
Dude, just don’t. Maybe sign up to dating website. Get your mind off her. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/18 "2019-07-21T01:08:04Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > Oh dear God, this! The crushee may even be a bit turned on by your attentions and encourage you. Or if management finds out and forbids any contact that isn’t work related or is outside work, she may take it personally and get mad at you for not wanting to get fired. [/voice of sad experience] I meant the crush, itself, not the crushee. Yours is a POV I hadn’t considered. Yikes, sounds like you were in a messy situation! ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/19 "2019-07-21T01:08:19Z")
I know you’re never going to listen to that podcast, but here are some money quoutes: > [@](#): > > . I was attracted to a employee. I really want to be careful about that language. I think a huge part of the problem is a culture of feeling things that you think are unique and significant because they’re happening to you… > [@](#): > > And I knew enough to know that these feelings were bad news. And so I did the cowardly, easiest, laziest thing you could do with feelings like that and I didn’t deal with them. And in not dealing with them I made everybody else deal with them, especially her. Flirty, creepy, everything other than overt enough to constitute betraying your live-in girlfriend to whom you’re going home every night, who is actually smart enough and respectful enough to ask you, do you have feelings for that young writer that you’re talking about, that you’re paying all this attention to? And saying to her, no, because the trick is if you lie to yourself you can lie to everybody. It’s really easy. ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2019, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369/20 "2019-07-21T01:26:02Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > That is, don’t find excuses to be where she is, even though the crush will be urging you to do this. A second second of this. Hollywood Squares circa 1973: Peter Marshall: How does one keep from falling in love with one’s neighbor’s wife? Paul Lynde: By looking at his neighbor’s gun collection. The actual answer was, avoid seeing her. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/crush-on-co-worker-how-to-cope/837369.md?page=2)