And I was the married one. :eek: Fucked me up but good and drove me into therapy and antidepressants. And FTR, after telling her about my crush, saying, “I’m not a homewrecker” isn’t the same as, “get lost, creep.” It leaves a possible opening.
For the next few days every time you have a though about her strike yourself firmly, but not violently in the genitals. You will soon find that either the frequency of the thoughts will diminish or the capacity to act on them will.
I had a crush on a boss once. I knew that was bad news. So I simply refused to think about him that way. Any time an admiring thought about him popped into my head, I’d think about something else.
When I finally resigned for another job, he asked me if he was the reason I was leaving. I told him no, and I was telling the truth. But at least, I don’t cringe when I think about him now. I don’t think of him often, but it’s a sweet soft memory when I do.
Try to look at yourself and your behavior from outside of yourself. Try to see how stupid you’re being and how dangerous this could get. Try to laugh at your puppy dog behavior. But above all, do NOT act on your feelings.
Keep busy with other people (not necessarily potential romantic interests, just friends/co-workers who can take your mind off your crush). At work, go out to lunch with other co-workers. In your personal life, become active in a social group or make plans to go out with friends on the weekend.
That’s what has helped me in the past, anyway.
IME deciding not to think about something never works. I have been more successful when I purposefully decide what to think about instead. Pick someone totally safe - a far away celebrity or a fictional character to whom you can transfer your crush. Intentionally insert that person into any and all day dreams. Do not allow yourself any thoughts about this woman except those immediately required for work; interact only as much as work requires. All other thoughts are purposefully changed to safe lady.
Then make it your goal to ask out at least one other woman per week. Any other woman. Meet her at a bar, or on line, on the bus or in the grocery store. Even if you are absolutely certain of failure, at least once per week, ask another woman out on a date.
You are craving companionship. You have attached this woman’s face and voice to this craving because you see her regularly. Find another woman to see, one who is appropriate and available. In the mean time, practice asking so that you’ll be ready when she shows up.
It’s a difficult situation and all of the advice in this thread is sound.
I will say, though, that having been the target of the actions described above, from someone I had thought was a close friend (and was not very good at keeping it all to herself), it really hurt.
@JIm, like others have said, just interactions to a 100% professional minimum until you go past this phase. You may think you’re handling the obsession or masking it from everyone, but chances are that is not the case. Just be aloof for a few weeks and this will probably be behind you.
Don’t do this. Leave the women you see in the grocery store and on the bus alone. Don’t be that guy.
I developed a crush on my assistant. I was a married man, 20 years older than her.
Suck it up, be professional, and try your best not to say or do something stupid/career destroying/actionable.
Pun intended?
ita 100%.
One of my first crushes as a teenager was an actress in a soap opera. 15 years later she was retired from acting and now working in IT. At the same place I was, and on a few common projects. I ended up squashed up next to her in the pub on several occasions. Luckily I avoided the awkwardness by realising it was her character on the show I crushed on, not her.
Is this a relatively common phenomenon for an adult to obsess about a relative stranger like a coworker to such an unhealthy level? I mean to the point where the OP is apparently worried about his behavior?
Why? What’s wrong with asking people out if you aren’t creepy about it? Or am I just out of touch and people these days are so socially awkward that they can only date through social media applications?
Asking random women out on buses and grocery stores, without any sign of interest from them, is pretty creepy by default.
Many women will feel extremely uncomfortable being asked out by a random stranger. This is especially true in a situation where, like a bus, they’re unable to immediately get away, and are going to give some indication of where they live or work, by what stop they get off at. They may even feel the need to change the grocery store they usually shop at, or get a different, less convenient bus in the future, to try and avoid a repeat of the situation or possible escalation into seriously creepy or even dangerous behaviour.
You may know you’re not going to follow them home, persist or react violently, but they don’t. All they know is that you’re willing to risk making them feel uncomfortable, and that does not bode well.
Obviously if it’s a woman you often chat to or is showing signs of interest, the location isn’t so important, but that was not what was suggested; the suggestion was to just ask out random women. Going to a bar it’s reasonable to expect strangers to hit on you out the blue; if you wish to hit on total strangers, do it somewhere like that.
This is very good. Do not indulge your thoughts, they become actions.
How do you imagine that human beings get together?
There is a difference between creeping on someone and innocently asking if they’d like to get coffee.
Nobody is suggesting that the OP stare at these women until they shift their seat, or stand super close to them to see if they show signs of weak boundaries. Nobody suggested negging them or surfing youtube for pick-up lines.
There is nothing wrong with honestly and directly asking a woman out. :smack:
+1
IMO, women are especially sensitive/aware of when someone (of either sex) are attracted to them. Some will take it as a compliment and others will take offense. You never know how she may take it and it may even lead to harassment claims.
You may not be aware that you’re showing favoritism to her/him, but others are picking up your signals.
I just finished a temp position where I immediately developed a crush on a co-worker in an all female office. I trained with all of them, since I was there to provide catch-up for their backlogs, but recognized that my attitude (friendlier/happy) was different when working with/for her. Once I recognized it, I toned it down and made an effort to be more even toned with everyone
By being introduced by their family or friends; by going to the sort of places and parties at which the possibility of getting together is assumed to be part of the idea; by meeting in situations in which they start by talking about other subjects of mutual interest and can gradually gauge the other person’s interest in an additional type of relationship; by joining a dating site online . . .
Lots of ways. Unexpectedly accosting a stranger who’s just trying to get their grocery shopping done, or just trying to get someplace, isn’t really a good technique. It comes across way too much as ‘Oh! Here’s a woman out in public! The mere fact that she came out in public must mean it’s appropriate for me to ask if I can get laid!’
I’ve had crushes on a handful of co-workers over the years and I’ve been in steady relationships with other women throughout all of them. They’ve been attractive and I got along with them so I felt something…it’s the reason I had girlfriends and why I married my wife. At the end of the day I just chalked it up to lizard brain and thought of it as a novelty more than anything else. Just deal with it and move on.
Also, don’t tell your significant other about it…that’s just dumb.