Oh, goodness, is THIS what I missed while I was away having a too-eventful life?
Mr. C., aren’t you a new father? SHAME ob you.
APB . . . Boston, huh? That’s not too far from New York . . .
- Yes
- I have no shame
- Welcome back, and Happy 2000, Eve. We’ve missed you here.
Goodness, gracious, me. I have to choose between:
• APB, the Mystery Man from Boston
• Mr. Cynical, a shameless married, new father
• Yue Han, the clean-cut Midwestern college student
• Hard-boiled newshound Milo
• Drop, who knows all about Whoopee Cushions
WHO shall I choose? Who shall be my Mystery Date? Good thing I have a long rainy weekend to think about it . . .
You need to buy a computer, dear. I can’t wait all weekend.
Ah, my enamorata has returned! How shall I prove myself to you Eve? How should I chase away the competition?
We could compete to bring you the rarest and most precious gift from all the four corners of the earth, a la The Thief of Baghdad(Douglas Fairbanks, dir. Raoul Walsh, 1924).
We could attempt to beat each other senseless in variety of highly violent yet comic ways. Popeye the Sailor Meets Sinbad (dir. Dave Fleischer, 1936)
My competition could realize that they are being selfish, that you and I belong together, that it is the right and noble thing to give you up. Boo hoo, sniffle sniffle, and off we fly together like in Casablanca. (Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, dir.Michael Curtiz, 1942)
I could improvise poetry to you and recite it beneath your window at night, like Cyrano de Bergerac (Jose Ferrer, dir. Michael Gordon, 1950).
I could seduce your favors with an acrobatic and stylized dance number. An American In Paris (Gene Kelly, Leslie Caron, dir. Vincente Minnelli, 1951)
[Actually, I can see you more as Cyd Charisse. Make that Brigadoon, 1954]
I could kidnap you and carry you off to the top of the Empire State building (for the obvious purpose of ravishing you although that will never be said explicitly), and battle with my aeroplane-flying competitors until I fall to my grisly death. King Kong (Fay Wray, 1933)
The choice is yours! Command us, Venus!
I gotta vote for APB9999 - he’s charming, romantic, and knows about old movies. Sounds like he’s right up your alley.
I must admit, APB is winning the apple . . . Not that I don’t adore and appreciate Drop and Cynnie, but the idea of dressing up like Justine Johnstone and flying away on APB’s Doug Fairbanks carpet is an alluring one . . .
Wonderful! So what do you say, Eve, can I take you on a date thread? Say, tomorrow?
A “date thread?” This is intriguing . . . OK, pick me up at my computer.
[primping in front of mirror, singing “I Enjoy Being a Girl” while APB goes out for a corsage]
P.S. I ASSUME other Dopers will be chaperoning in the form of waiters, cab drivers, doormen and nosey passersby . . .
Damn. Well, it that doesn’t get the girl, what will?
Since this is a crush thread, I just popped in to say my heart belongs to the unavailable Ruffian. If only DeathLlama had never been born! 
Oh, great. Lizard’s got a CRUSH on Ruffian, but only wants to wrestle in butter with me. Story of my life, man; story of my life.