# Customer service gets creepy **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 26, 2006, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250 "2006-04-26T04:22:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![SanibelMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@SanibelMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanibelMan)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/1 "2006-04-26T04:22:24Z")
I’m having some problems with my DSL line, so I sent a tech support request to SBC. I realize the response I got was a form letter, but it still freaks me out. (I marked the especially freaky portions in italics.) > [@](#): > > Dear Sani, > > Thank you for contacting SBC Internet Services E-mail Support. > > As your service provider, it is our continued effort to build a better relationship with you. Please accept my sincerest apologies for the inconvenience this may have caused you. Based on the information you provided, you experience slow browse when opening certain websites. Let me assure you, Sani, that I will do my best to assist you with this browsing issue. > > _Firstly, I would like to commend you for the patience and effort you have exerted to resolve the issue. I hope I can emulate your example if ever I am in the same situation._ Your best interest is always in our minds. _Personally it saddens me that you are currently suffering from this annoying issue._ > > After reading your e-mail, I immediately checked your DSL line and I would like to inform you that I found something that is compromising your browsing capability. Regarding this issue, we need to speak to you personally Jonathan, we can get personal details from you as we fix your DSL line. > > Please give us a call anytime at your convenience at 1-877-555-5555 and I assure you that we, your technical support specialists and friends, will be ready to provide you the assistance you will need. When you call us, please refer to Case ID 1234567890. > > Please remember to visit our help-site at [http://help.sbcglobal.net/](http://help.sbcglobal.net/) for resolutions to the most common problems. From that site you may contact our Chat Support anytime by clicking \ under the Contact Us section. > > We will be expecting your call, Sani, and _I want you to know that it has truly been my honor and pleasure helping you today._ Thank you for choosing SBC Internet Services. > > Sincerely, > > Creepy Guy > SBC Internet Services E-mail Support - Tech Support Specialist I wonder what focus group told them this was the exact response people were looking for when they contacted tech support. “You’re so smart, and talented, and beautiful, and we’re personally crushed that you’ve experienced the slightest problem with our service. Please take my firstborn daughter as recompense.” ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/2 "2006-04-26T05:19:37Z")
The letter you’ve posted reminds me of the odd and sometimes excessive style of politeness that I’ve sometimes encountered in business correspondence with individuals from abroad. I wonder if SBC may be outsourcing their customer service correspondence. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/3 "2006-04-26T05:38:51Z")
Just wait 'til you open tomorrow’s mail: Dearest Sani: We at SBC are absolutely devastated that your browsing has been (if I may quote your eloquent words) “slow”. At SBC we feel that slow is insufficiently fast, and we’re not afraid to say so: a relationship like ours demands the courage to be honest. And let’s face it, you’re dealing with a guy who’d chew his own foot off if it meant giving you better service. Or even if you just really wanted me to, but you’d have to be sincere. Anyway, with me on the case you know that SBC is serious as well as sad about your – no, make that _our_ – unfortunate situation. Which brings me to a delicate point. You won’t be hearing from Tech Support Agent Creepy Guy anymore. He wasn’t right for you, Sani. You, with your pure heart, were blind to his faults, but everyone else could see. Even though he was my supervisor, it hurt me to see him spending time on other relationships, other browsers, which he forbade me to talk to you about. He was saddened by your suffering, but the sadness ran only so deep. It did not approach the gut-wrenching pain I feel whenever your browsing capability is compromised. He, to be blunt, was not the kind of man who would or could chew his own foot off. Which is why the old bear-trap-in-the-gravel-pit trick removed him so neatly and easily. Forget Creepy Guy, Sani, as you would any mistake so quickly erased and corrected. You have _me_ now, and I swear upon my very life, and those of many of my co-workers and possibly a few people who will have been just in the wrong place at the wrong time, that our provider-consumer relationship will be more fulfilling than you ever dared dream. Goodbye for now, Sani: I go to work tirelessly on your problem. The handful of amphetimines I just swallowed will – hey, cool, if I hit the F5 key I can read your E-mails and get a list of your twenty most recent phone calls – will keep me on the job until I have vanquished the demon of slowness. Until then, _adieu_. Sincerely, Seriously Creepy Guy SBC Internet Services ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/4 "2006-04-26T05:51:50Z")
It kind of sounds like a scam. “We can’t do this by email, call us, and then give us your _personal details_”? Of course, I’m sure you know, if they say they need your credit/debit card number and pin in order to fix it, hang up. ---
**Author:** ![Merhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Merhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merhouse)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/5 "2006-04-26T17:15:07Z")
My first instinct would be to press **reply** and ask him what he’s wearing 😉 My second instinct, though, is as **pinkfreud** says, it’s likely the invention of folks whose native language is not English. I received a similar letter from \*\*Microsoft’s \*\* E-Mail support, of all places. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/6 "2006-04-26T17:24:05Z")
> [@odd CS person](#): > > we need to speak to you personally Jonathan Who’s this “Jonathan” fellow? ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/7 "2006-04-26T17:41:26Z")
I’d call them up and start being creepy back. “Hey, yeah, it’s me. First, I want to thank you for that wonderful letter you sent. It is truly wonderful to know we have such a rapport here. But, look – we’re friends here, right? I can tell you things and you won’t betray me? Good, because I have to be honest with you here, okay? Because I know I can trust you. See, the thing here that really bothers me about all this, y’know, _slowness_ is that – well, see, if you’re watching streaming clown porn and it starts getting so slow and stuttery during the seltzer money shots and you have time to sit there and really consider how fucked up you are for watching clown porn … it really sort of kills the mood, you know? It hurts me in the pants there. I need the speed, man, and I just know you can give it to me, can’t you? Please, man. Do it for me.” ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/8 "2006-04-26T18:00:18Z")
Dear creepy guy at SBC, It’s been a full day and you haven’t called or emailed me. What happened to the magic?? Do you still care? It’s me isn’t it, I drove you away. ::sniffle:: Was I too needy, too clingy? Did my desperate need for fast internet service and my cries for your help make you leave? Ok, so it hasn’t always been good, but we had good times! Remember? We surfed the SDMB, we laughed, we read emails, we even looked at porn. What part of it wasn’t enough for you? There’s someone else isn’t there??? Who is it, what shameless hussy has taken you away from me??? I won’t stand for this you know! You were MINE FIRST!! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t yell at you, it was all my fault I know…please call me…I can’t go on without you. I will send a followup every 5 minutes to be sure you get this. Love always, Your devoted and faithful customer ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/9 "2006-04-26T18:25:04Z")
I think it sounds a little fishy too, but that notwithstanding, I absolutely cracked up reading that and imagining it as real. ---
**Author:** ![Sal\_Ammoniac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sal\_Ammoniac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sal_Ammoniac)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/10 "2006-04-26T18:36:56Z")
I agree with the others that this is an outsourcing issue. I see a strong flavor of what used to be called Oriental kowtowing in it. Call their toll-free number and report back what accent you hear. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/11 "2006-04-26T18:39:58Z")
Man, oh man. I am literally holding my face together at work here trying not to start laughing my scrotum off!!! Funny stuff. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/12 "2006-04-26T18:55:27Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Man, oh man. I am literally holding my face together at work here trying not to start laughing my scrotum off!!! > > Funny stuff. Your scrotum’s on your face!? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![SanibelMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@SanibelMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanibelMan)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/13 "2006-04-26T19:20:13Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Who’s this “Jonathan” fellow? You got me. By a quirk of humanity, I’m actually the only Jonathan in the St. Louis metro area. So I guess it’s only a matter of days before I’m in pieces in someone’s duffel bag at the bottom of the Mississippi. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/14 "2006-04-26T20:49:42Z")
Glad you didn’t tell him about the dirty knife! ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/15 "2006-04-26T20:58:51Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > Your scrotum’s on your face!? > :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/16 "2006-04-26T21:08:06Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Glad you didn’t tell him about the dirty knife! Damn you. I was planning on confusing everyone with that one. ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/17 "2006-04-26T21:24:23Z")
Dear SBC Customer Service Guy, I eagerly anticipate working with you on this delicate matter of the slowness of my DSL connection. I feel it’s only friendly and openly honest for me to share with you the fact that I had cable internet service before signing on with SBC. Unfortunately, I was also troubled by the speed with which I could browse the internet using that service. Comcast sent a most agreeable service technician out to offer his assistance in the matter. Regretfully, I found him to be less than knowlegeable regarding the operation of the equipment, as he was fully unable to improve my situation. As far as I know, the authorities haven’t located the duffle bag containing his body, as I was fastidious in securing the anchor weights before I tossed it into the Mississippi. Here’s hoping that our relationship will flourish in a positive manner, as I am currently suffering a shortage of suitable duffle bags. Sincerely yours, Sani ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/18 "2006-04-26T22:04:30Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Damn you. I was planning on confusing everyone with that one. I was frankly astonished that I got to it first. _—stomps away in a suit of armor—_ ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2006, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/19 "2006-04-26T22:08:39Z")
Wait. I’m flummoxed. **Smeghead** hadn’t posted to the thread before he said > [@Smeghead](#): > > Damn you. I was planning on confusing everyone with that one. . Had he? He sure succeeded in confusing me, though. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2006, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250/20 "2006-04-27T00:29:39Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > Your scrotum’s on your face!? > :eek: I know people say it’s not possible to bend that way, but my cousin Fred’s friend Zack totally could. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/customer-service-gets-creepy/354250.md?page=2)