# Cutting him off: No more sex until after we're married **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 24, 2009, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792 "2009-11-24T16:56:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/21 "2009-11-24T17:46:50Z")
If I interpret the OP correctly, she’s not suggesting doing it as any kind of a moral stance, but as kind of the sexual equivalent of saving up an appetite for Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t think it would make the eventual connubial event any better, but it might make it shorter (at least on the first go). ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/22 "2009-11-24T17:49:30Z")
God, I hope my fiancee reads this thread. She’s been quietly muttering about doing this to make the wedding more special, and I’ve been quietly murmuring supportive noises while clenching my fists behind my back in impotent rage. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/23 "2009-11-24T17:55:17Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I’ve been quietly murmuring supportive noises while clenching my fists behind my back in impotent rage. …so to speak. (Uh, but seriously, were you planning on going along with this while resenting it but not saying anything about it? 'Cause that sounds like a pretty bad idea in its own right.) ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/24 "2009-11-24T17:55:45Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Depending on the size of your … You don’t want to know where I thought this was going. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/25 "2009-11-24T17:57:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t think it would make the eventual connubial event any better, but it might make it shorter (at least on the first go). I agree with this. We didn’t do anything like this before we got married, but the wedding night was pretty awesome anyway. We were both really happy and excited, which is all that was really needed for a “special” wedding night, really. I don’t think I’d want to spend my wedding thinking “I finally get to have sex again!” ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/26 "2009-11-24T18:01:46Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > God, I hope my fiancee reads this thread. She’s been quietly muttering about doing this to make the wedding more special, and I’ve been quietly murmuring supportive noises while clenching my fists behind my back in impotent rage. Here’s a thought: begin your married life by communicating honestly. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/27 "2009-11-24T18:02:17Z")
As others have said, you may be too exhausted to even have sex on your wedding night (or at least to enjoy it), so don’t count on it being super duper special and setting the bar for the rest of your married sex life. On the other hand, I know some people, particularly women, who have found that they actually benefit from periods of abstinence while in relationships (e.g. if they’re traveling). If the sex is normally great, not getting it drives them wild, physically and psychologically. If you’re one of those people who can orgasm more easily when you take a break, maybe you could mention this to your fiancé and agree on a week or two of abstinence, pre-wedding. Though it really should be a mutual agreement. ‘Cutting him off’ sounds a bit too much like you’re planning on giving him your precious lady blossom or bleeding on the sheets on the wedding night. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/28 "2009-11-24T18:03:15Z")
Man, people are being rather rude to the OP. The only concern that I see is “I’m considering cutting off sex”. It definitely should be something that you _and your fiance_ discuss. My friend and her now-husband did exactly this, but _both_ of them wanted to. They wanted to build the anticipation up for that First Married Night, even though they hadn’t been exactly chaste before that. 😉 Since they were both on board and it was for a reason like that, I thought it was kinda sweet. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/29 "2009-11-24T18:03:50Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Uh, but seriously, were you planning on going along with this while resenting it but not saying anything about it? Welcome to marriage. > [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Here’s a thought: begin your married life by communicating honestly. Ha! Good one. ---
**Author:** ![hobscrk777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a6a055/32.png) [@hobscrk777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hobscrk777)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/30 "2009-11-24T18:06:45Z")
It seems to me like the OP wants to do this just for the sake of doing this. Sounds like a good way to piss the guy off. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/31 "2009-11-24T18:07:30Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > God, I hope my fiancee reads this thread. She’s been quietly muttering about doing this to make the wedding more special, and I’ve been quietly murmuring supportive noises while clenching my fists behind my back in impotent rage. Why? Do you feel unable to speak your mind about this rather than bottling up your frustration and being passively angry or finding some indirect way to get back at her? Why not just talk directly about your frustration with her, or if you can’t do that, e-mail her a link to this thread and explain that you share the general opinion of this idea. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/32 "2009-11-24T18:10:05Z")
I guess I shoulda used a winky smiley or something. I was just kidding. She did actually bring it up, and I said, “what’s the point?” and upon further consideration she realized there wasn’t one. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Who](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Doctor\_Who](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Who)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/33 "2009-11-24T18:12:25Z")
Well, I like the idea! Sort of a preview of the rest of your married life… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/34 "2009-11-24T18:12:40Z")
> [@hobscrk777](#): > > It seems to me like the OP wants to do this just for the sake of doing this. Sounds like a good way to piss the guy off. Yeah, I wouldn’t be happy about it if I was the guy. I’d suggest the OP reconsider. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/35 "2009-11-24T18:23:35Z")
My wife and I actually did this for a month or six weeks before our wedding, and it did help make our wedding night special. It was, however, a mutual decision. ---
**Author:** ![corvidae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@corvidae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corvidae)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/36 "2009-11-24T18:32:20Z")
As long as both of you are on the same page, why not? Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder… ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/37 "2009-11-24T18:33:42Z")
I’ve talked to my fiancee about doing just that and we probably still will. She and I jumped into sex rather quickly into our relationship. One of the reasons I wanted to hold off of sex until marraqige because it would force us to be romantic and caring even though we would both know that sex is off the table, we’d be intimate but not physical. But yeah, talk to your fiance first. If he is ok with it and it is something you feel strongly about, go for it. It is your relationship. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/38 "2009-11-24T18:38:49Z")
Words fail me. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/39 "2009-11-24T18:42:00Z")
Why not do a different but similar thing? Like, no three ways until after the ceremony. Or, no bestiality until after. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2009, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/40 "2009-11-24T18:49:54Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > What possible, rational motivation is there for this? Not that I’m a fan, particularly with the unilateral “cut him off” language, but I did think of one possible rational motivation. It is likely that marriage will include some times when sex is not feasible (as mentioned, kids, illness, business travel, etc.). If one party has doubts about the marriage’s ability to weather a dry spell, it might make sense to test that out before deciding to get married. This isn’t the same as the saving up appetite for Thanksgiving dinner idea, and would make a lot more sense before the wedding was in the active planning stage. Still, like so many things, it would be better to find out before rather than after the big commitment. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792.md?page=3)