# Cutting him off: No more sex until after we're married **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 24, 2009, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792 "2009-11-24T16:56:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/101 "2009-11-25T12:06:55Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > This is what I interpreted the OP to mean. And I’ll note that those who are married or affianced or otherwise involved in committed, sexually satisfying relationships seemed to react pretty nonchalantly. The most voluble responses seemed to come from the more [histrionic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder) dopers. Frankly, the OP was a sort of Rorschach test on sexual insecurities, in my opinion. Heh. I criticized her wording and whether she was unilateral in this, and my husband and I did in fact mutually hold off on sex for a while before the wedding. In retrospect - when you’re as tired and burnt out as we were at that time, it doesn’t make a lot of positive difference. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/102 "2009-11-25T13:13:50Z")
> [@MitzeKatze](#): > > But one thing no one has commented on, unless I missed it, is would abstaining for a month or so really make it any more or less “special”? Let’s face it, good sex is good sex regardless of how long it has been. I think it would just make one more grateful for the sex rather than improving the quality- or perhaps have the opposite effect of making the sex really bad because it was rushed in an attempt to satisfy that urge NOW! I agree; it would result in a very short honeymoon. Plus . . . does anyone really need a lot of additional built-up tension before a wedding? ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/103 "2009-11-25T13:15:40Z")
Serenata words mean things, and the phrasing you chose in the OP and your followup post is revealing. You are justifying, and accusing others because you didn’t get your way. May I suggest look within, and ask why these responses bother you. BTW Nymphs have characteristics beyond just very high sex drive, perhaps reading up on what a Nymph is will be revealing, perhaps not. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/104 "2009-11-25T13:29:05Z")
**Serenata67** : I realize you’re newer around here than a lot of us, so let me tell you something that many of us have learned the hard way. When you begin a thread, you have \*\*\*no \*\*\*control over the direction it’ll take. There are several threads I’ve started, or posted in, that I wish I could take back . . . either because I said something without thinking, or people took what I said the wrong way, or they focused on just one aspect of what I said, ignoring everything else. Eventually this happens to everyone, and it’s only human to take it personally, even if it isn’t meant that way. And one constructive criticism: When you begin the title of a thread with "Cutting him off . . . " it doesn’t sound like something you’d do in a mature, loving relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/105 "2009-11-25T14:05:59Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > You got precisely what you asked for. You may have asked incorrectly, but we’re not mind-readers; all we know is what you told us. Please re-read the OP. You came off as a manipulative, self-centered, immature . . . (I’m looking for a noun, here, that can be used outside the Pit). And then you waited 12 hours to get back here, to correct your mistake. Sorry, my opinion hasn’t changed. I had to work; that’s why it took so long to get back to the post. Some of us actually work at our jobs instead of reading the Straight Dope all day. My questions were very specific in my OP. I specifically asked if it made the sex better/more special on the wedding night. I asked if anyone had experience with this. I did not ask for judgement, name calling or snap decisions. I asked for information so we could make a more informed decision. Never at any point did I say I was _going_ to do this. To be honest, it took almost a full page before anyone really started addressing the quesitons I put in the OP. I asked questions and got derision and drivel. You’re entitled to your opinion. I’m entitled to mine. We (yes _ **WE** _) talked about it last night and decided that we will stop after New Years. We are getting married on January 16. Two weeks will be fine. ETA: I do know what a nymph is. I used the word Nympho (as in short for nymphomaniac, the word commonly used to refer to a woman with a particularly high sex drive). ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/106 "2009-11-25T14:09:38Z")
Mod: could we just close this? I don’t think I’ll actually be able to get my questions sufficiently answered here. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/107 "2009-11-25T14:11:44Z")
You will if they’re sufficiently asked. ---
**Author:** ![corvidae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@corvidae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corvidae)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/108 "2009-11-25T14:21:16Z")
> [@](#): > > I did not ask for judgement, name calling or snap decisions. I asked for information so we could make a more informed decision. Never at any point did I say I was _going_ to do this. > > To be honest, it took almost a full page before anyone really started addressing the quesitons I put in the OP. I asked questions and got derision and drivel. > > You’re entitled to your opinion. I’m entitled to mine. > > We (yes _ **WE** _) talked about it last night and decided that we will stop after New Years. We are getting married on January 16. Two weeks will be fine. It sucks, but don’t let it get you down, or take it personally. Unfortunately, that’s the way this place works sometimes. Personally speaking, after 10 years of marriage, 2 kids, multiple miscarriages, business trips and whatnot, there will be times when sex is not possible/unlikely/undesirable, etc. Sooner or later, most people have to find a different way to relate to each other. For a good solid relationship, 2 weeks of abstinence won’t make or break anyone. And again, personally speaking, it makes the reunion that much more delicious. Best of luck with the plan and the wedding! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/109 "2009-11-25T14:26:04Z")
I find it hard to believe that so few could actually tease out the meaning of her question. This seems like first grade reading to me. She wants to abstain to prime the pump, that is all. You guys are reading FAR too much negativity into this. To suggest that she has become a bridezilla, or is being passive-aggressive, or is playing out some prudish religious thing, is a testament to either your own insecurities or your complete lack of reading comprehension. It’s not brain science, people. Lighten up. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/110 "2009-11-25T14:38:19Z")
Thread title “Gettin some drunk putang” Thread Post: Hey folks. I am thinking of getting my girfriend drunk and wasted and taking advantage of her on a camping trip. Its not like we havent done that sorta thing before. Is this a good idea ? Fun? Tips or pointers to make it more fun ? IMO thats how poorly her post was composed. Most people here arent going to KEEP raking her over the coals about it. But she needs to acknowledge the fact she did word it horribly and quit whinning that people read it “wrong”…cause that might, ya know…be a moderately mature thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/111 "2009-11-25T14:43:53Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > I had to work; that’s why it took so long to get back to the post. Some of us actually work at our jobs instead of reading the Straight Dope all day. That’s fine: none of us are on the Dope 24/7. However, it’s your choice when you post a question here. I think one lesson that you (and any others reading this) might learn is that you should post when you know you’ll have the next 2 or 3 hours to respond to answers to your question. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/112 "2009-11-25T14:46:32Z")
Your thread title says “Cutting him off”. But I did say, way back on the first page, that I would be behind it if it was a joint decision, which it seems it is. Please don’t lump us all with the Negative Nellies and the naysayers. I find it rather rude that people only see the rude responses and don’t even notice when someone does answer rationally. My original post: > [@](#): > > Depending on the size of your wedding and how much work you will be doing…well, let’s just say that most couples with whom I have had an occasion to speak with about this who have already been having sex, basically said they were too exhausted on the night to do very much at all. > > But that’s up to you. May I ask why you would think to do such a thing? And if you were going to do such a thing, are you going to cut off everything? I could see it being kind of fun if you allowed yourself to neck and nuzzle and make out but no actual sexual contact, to build the desire. > > Besides all that, I would discuss it with him. “Cutting him off” sounds extraordinarily negative; aren’t you cutting yourself off, too? If both of you are amenable, it’s just a month, so it might be fun. If if really is YOU making a sexual decision for both partners, then I’m sorry, I can’t get behind that. was not negative, rude, or condescending. And the response just makes me not want to respond to these kinds of threads anymore. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/113 "2009-11-25T14:52:47Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > IMO thats how poorly her post was composed. Most people here arent going to KEEP raking her over the coals about it. But she needs to acknowledge the fact she did word it horribly and quit whinning that people read it “wrong”…cause that might, ya know…be a moderately mature thing to do. Huh. I understood exactly what she meant in the OP. Sometimes you have to read past the first couple of sentences to get the deeper meaning, rather than jumping to conclusions. And not automatically make assumptions. She didn’t say in the OP whether or not she got her fiance on board with the idea. A lot of people took that as positive proof that she was going to go behind his back and punish him with deception somehow. Why would you make that leap of “logic”? ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/114 "2009-11-25T14:58:17Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > She didn’t say in the OP whether or not she got her fiance on board with the idea. A lot of people took that as positive proof that she was going to go behind his back and punish him with deception somehow. Why would you make that leap of “logic”? Well, if she said “WE’RE thinking of abstaining for awhile. What do you think?” that would have been _entirely_ different than “Cutting him off.” She got the kind of answers one would expect from what appeared to be a unilateral decision. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/115 "2009-11-25T15:04:06Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > She didn’t say in the OP whether or not she got her fiance on board with the idea. A lot of people took that as positive proof that she was going to go behind his back and punish him with deception somehow. Why would you make that leap of “logic”? Dude. There are these things called words. Try it sometime. Nobody was sure of anything. They just understand this word/definition concept. There ARE posters here who have no trouble killing cats or dogs. Some hold some pretty sexist, racists, violent, and sometimes just plain bizarre and in most peoples opinion damn irresponsible points of view. Hell, we gotta a resident wanna be kiddy diddler GIVEN HER WORDS and that little factiod, it was entirely in the realm of possiblity that she could actually could be a putang withholding harpie that actually meant what she typed. Glad to hear that she isnt, but the blame is mostly on her craptacularly bad post form here IMO. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/116 "2009-11-25T15:16:55Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Dude. > > There are these things called words. Try it sometime. I read the exact same words that you did. I just came to a very different conclusion. I love this board, but sometimes the extreme negativity gets to me. I recently just shut it down for two weeks, and it was amazing how much my mood lifted. I’m not sure I’m happy I’m back. The cynicism here is just too much sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/117 "2009-11-25T15:22:47Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > My original post… was not negative, rude, or condescending. And the response just makes me not want to respond to these kinds of threads anymore. > Good luck. She clearly said, > [@](#): > > Thank you all who gave constructive, helpful and insightful comments. Why assume that doesn’t include you? Chalk me up as another one who doesn’t see the outrage. **Serenata** , I’m sorry I can’t give you better advice about your wedding night. For complex and non-traditional reasons, my husband and I had never had intercourse until we married. It was definitely a special time for us, though hilariously awkward. Sex is not really a priority in our relationship. Believe me, we’ve gone far longer than a month… I’d say the record is nine months. I know: the horror, the horror. Whatever. We recognize the situation isn’t ideal due to circumstances beyond our control, and we focus on other things to strengthen our marriage. That’s life. Believe it or not, we’re happy together, with or without sex. What you have is an opportunity to actually have control over abstinence, and I think it’s great, if you’re both on board. The times I do share with my husband are very special, because I think you tend to appreciate things more when you don’t take them for granted. Ultimately I don’t think this is something anyone on a message board can decide on… only you know your relationship and what will make that special day feel even more special. **tdn** : Word. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/118 "2009-11-25T15:23:19Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Your thread title says “Cutting him off”. But I did say, way back on the first page, that I would be behind it if it was a joint decision, which it seems it is. > > Please don’t lump us all with the Negative Nellies and the naysayers. I find it rather rude that people only see the rude responses and don’t even notice when someone does answer rationally. My original post: > > was not negative, rude, or condescending. And the response just makes me not want to respond to these kinds of threads anymore. > > Good luck. I didn’t lump everyone together. I did thank those who gave real insight to the situation. I appreciate the _advice_ that was given. > [@Serenata67](#): > > Thank you all who gave constructive, helpful and insightful comments. I am starting to agree with what \*\*tdn \*\*said > [@tdn](#): > > I read the exact same words that you did. I just came to a very different conclusion. > > I love this board, but sometimes the extreme negativity gets to me. I recently just shut it down for two weeks, and it was amazing how much my mood lifted. I’m not sure I’m happy I’m back. The cynicism here is just too much sometimes. Everyone’s so freaking defensive. I admitted that I worded it poorly. Okay. Let’s move on with our lives and please stop ripping me apart. I just wanted advice. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/119 "2009-11-25T15:27:52Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I read the exact same words that you did. I just came to a very different conclusion. Evidently. I read “I’m getting married”… “I’m thinking of cutting off sex…” You will note, there was no “we” in the decision-making parts of the OP. Did I come to a negative conclusion? Possibly, but I was drawing a conclusion directly from the information presented: a unilateral decision. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/120 "2009-11-25T15:30:35Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > Everyone’s so freaking defensive. I admitted that I worded it poorly. Okay. Duly noted. I think I got burned on a couple OPs myself, for lack of detail. Don’t worry the burn goes away and doesn’t leave a mark. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792.md?page=7)